Wednesday, April 30, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Here’s What Happens When You Add Casual Sex To Your OkCupid Profile

Posted: 30 Apr 2014 12:37 PM PDT

I have used OKCupid off and on for about three years. After a six-month relationship with a man I met on OKCupid ended, I woman-3D-model-Marek-Denko-my-love-in-bed took a brief break. When I came back I decided to shake things up a bit.

I updated my relationship preferences to include casual sex.

The messages I received ranged from sincere to overly complimentary to graphic. I got invites to gang bangs, 7am face sitting requests, and the occasional offer to lick my calves. I told a close male friend of my experience and he said that, with the casual sex option checked, some men see no point in playing the game and just get right to it.

The effusive if not disingenuous compliments about my "hot mouth" and "sexy legs" didn't really work on me. I know that some men can have sex with a woman and it doesn't necessarily mean he finds her attractive. The main objective is just to get laid. Attraction is secondary. Who I might be able to attract for a casual hookup is not indicative of the type of man with whom I could have anything more consistent and substantive. I also knew that it wasn't a good thing if a man told me he wasn't looking for anything serious at the moment but thought that I'd be ideal hookup material. I don't give men credit for "refreshing honesty." In fact, I shave points off for revelations like that. That's an insult disguised as a compliment.

Another male friend said that it was better to just choose long-term/short-term dating and new friends. That way, he explained, I wouldn't be on the radar of guys who think invites to pull a train are welcome. He also warned that a woman who selected casual sex might set off a warning bell in the minds of many men.

"I'd say there are two assumptions: one is that a woman, no matter what she says, is always 'looking' for a more-than-sexual relationship should one present itself, and two is that a woman can get 'just sex' pretty much anytime she wants, without much effort. So, a woman who seeks 'causal sex' or selects it on her profile is suspect." – G., Male, 37, NYC

In my three years of using OKCupid off and on, I've never had any of those bad dates we often hear about. Because of how I screen profiles, I don't accept invitations from anybody who asks. Since I have a good idea of my typical OKCupid audience, I'd be on alert when a guy who was above my typical pull would contact or respond to me.

I didn't judge a man if he selected casual sex as an option. As long as he made an effort to complete his profile and post pictures that didn't appear to be from some '80s era Playgirl shoot, I didn't care. (Side note: Naked torso shots. Why? Discuss.)

There were a number of take-aways from this experience.

First, just because someone chooses casual sex doesn't mean they're looking for a one-night stand. A person's willingness to be open about that interest should not be held against them or get them labeled a player or slut. I ended up dating three men during this time for 3-6 months each. We did "couple-y" things like go to the movies, make dinner, and spend weekends together. We weren't meeting up for quickies as some people might assume. There was intimacy and affection and shared confidences. There just wasn't exclusivity or expressed commitment. I wasn't seeking "just" sex, so adding casual sex as a relationship choice actually worked to my advantage. It exposed me—in various ways—to a broader audience. One that I may not have been exposed to had I been a "good girl" and listened to my well-meaning male friends and only selected short and long-term dating.

Another lesson? That About Us section with all the questions is a gold mine! That's where someone's real personality comes out. For example, if a guy answered questions like, "Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?" with "Not possible!" I bailed. In my experience, people who go out of their way to broadcast how much sex they have are trying to overcompensate for something.

Next, some men select casual sex to convey another message. I polled a few men as to why they checked off casual sex. One man said he did so to make clear that sexual compatibility was important to him. Another said he did it so that women would understand that he would not date someone for too long without sex being part of the equation. A different man not only selected casual sex but clipped his profile by telling readers he was currently dating other women. When I asked him about that he told me he wished to avoid meeting women who might develop other expectations. There's another example of "refreshing honesty" that I find questionable. That admission was the equivalent of engaging in a pleasant conversation with someone and having them randomly poke you in the eye without warning. It's rude and unnecessary. My analogy proved accurate when, after we met, he told me he knew "immediately" that he wasn't physically attracted to me. Um…thanks for your honesty, I guess?

Another observation I had was that a lot of the men contacting me during this time were in transitional phases of their lives. There were a number of couch surfers, recently divorced/separated guys and newly single types seeking women who might be, as the kids say, "DTF." I didn't want to be anybody's "get over the hump" hump. If they admitted in their profile or in messages that they were newly single I didn't engage further. I made sure I traded enough emails to discern what their relationship/living situation was. I was not interested in being a rest stop for some OKCupid hobo.

I also learned that some men send messages of the "I want to worship your ass" variety with the intention of shocking a woman into a response. The point is to engage her by any means possible, even if it means offending or harassing her.

The biggest lesson I learned was that, even in 2013, a woman's choice to pursue a non-monogamous relationship is met with a great deal of skepticism and judgment. It is assumed by many men that a woman can get sex easily. Therefore, why would she even need to check that box? Something is either wrong with her or it's a trap. Then there's the harassment factor, which nearly drove me off OKCupid altogether.

Sometimes I get bored with OKCupid and want to mix it up a bit. In those moments I go back and check that box. The upside is that I widen my pool of potential matches. Yes, many of them are cubs looking for a cougar or guys in Joey Buttafuoco pants doing their best Joey Tribbiani impersonation. There are also many sex-positive and emotionally evolved men on there who don't ascribe to the Madonna/Whore philosophy. Those are the men I've met. It takes a little longer to find them but they are there.

I've accepted that some men will see that decision as a red flag and reject me. They likely would have eventually rejected me anyway. I also accept that I have to screen men more stringently who show interest when I have that option selected. Nothing is fail proof, of course. But at least I get to do it on my terms.

Note: I wrote this for another site last year.

One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me. I'll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I'll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

$45 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Protected: The Power of Words

Posted: 30 Apr 2014 07:32 AM PDT

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Your Life Might Not Look The Way You Thought It Would, And That’s OK

Posted: 29 Apr 2014 02:45 PM PDT

Note: I wrote this for another site about a year ago.

When I was about 9 or 10, I decided that I would be married by age 27. I don't know where I got that number. It sounded like christan_prom a good age at the time. At 10 years old, I thought I was supposed to be married and have children before I turned 30.

My teen years were awkward ones. I wasn't very confident around boys. I was awkward in both presentation and looks. I'd climb into my dad's car after a school dance, and he'd ask if I met any boys. I'd shake my head while fighting back tears. He'd stay silent for a while and then say, "Don't worry. Your time will come."

My 20s presented a number of romantic opportunities. While I may have blossomed into an attractive woman on the outside, on the inside I was still that girl who would sit alone in the bleachers as Journey's Open Arms played, signaling the end of the mixer. I didn't know how to flirt and was struggling to like myself. My lack of experience with the opposite sex during high school and college had severely stunted me. I didn't have the same level of experience as other women my age, thereby making me a dating liability well into my 30s.

By my late 30s my father stopped asking me if I was dating anyone. I used to think it was because he had given up on me ever finding a partner. It wasn't until much later that I realized his heart broke for me whenever I would say no, just like it did those nights years ago when he'd take me for ice cream after the dance.

At 44 I have come to terms with the reality that marriage is probably not in my future. I would love to say that this was my choice all along. But I can't. There are some days where I feel overwhelmed by the longing for a partner. Usually that pull comes after a particularly long work week or in the midst of a crisis. Not having that person to turn to and who sets aside all of their priorities for you can sometimes make those especially difficult days tougher. That sense of wistfulness eventually subsides and I feel perfectly content and complete. I'm not single by choice. I'm single by circumstance. I accepted my participation in this outcome a long time ago. That, too, is incredibly freeing. Once you own the mistakes and bad choices, nobody can shame you. You're free to write your own Second Act.

When never-married women my age write in to me with their dating dilemmas, the one thing I always try to point out to them is that they've made it this far being single. They've developed a sustainable career and established themselves financially and socially. They've done this all without a man. What's truly unfortunate is that so many women have been conditioned to believe that all of that—the great job, the loving friends, their passions—mean nothing if there isn't a man to point to in their life. While I don't try to dissuade these women from finding a partner, I make sure to remind them that they always have the ability to re-define their idea of a happy ending. Maybe it will have a leading man or maybe it won't. Perhaps he'll just be a supporting character. That's the beauty of taking control of your own story rather than allowing someone else to write it for you. You get to decide how it unfolds.

Yes, they might get those waves of soul-crushing loneliness from time to time. Anybody who ever said that being single was a round-the-clock after-party was lying. There are plenty of upsides to it, for sure, but what goes up must come down from time to time. It won't always be easy, but you'll get through it.

Sometimes I feel like women aren't supposed to admit to feeling isolated or dissatisfied with being single. Take, for example, one of the sections on an OK Cupid dating profile that invites people to share what they do on a typical Friday night. Since I review profiles for clients as part of my job, I've read hundreds and hundreds of responses to this one question. Many men don't think twice about admitting that they might spend that night home alone watching Netflix. The women, however, almost across the board fill that space with dinner parties and happy hours and activities. You'd think their lives were episodes of Sex and the City played on a loop. There's this pressure to appear completely fulfilled and busy 100% of the time. That's another one of those expectations that many single women try to fulfill in order to avoid looking (and feeling) like a failure. God forbid that DoctorBoiforU knows that you sit home binge watching House of Cards or Sherlock.

I don't often post inspirational quotes to Twitter or Facebook, but when I saw this one being passed along I thought it was a good fit for this piece.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it's supposed to be.

I grew up believing that, as a woman, I was expected to want marriage. Once I understood that I had been pursuing a goal that had no authentic desire or intention behind it, it became easier for me to accept being single. I wish I could say that I was completely at peace with that, but I can't. What I can say is that I don't fear being alone anymore the way I did when I had all that pressure looming over me.

If I could go talk to the 10-year-old me, awkward and lonely and wondering when a boy might tell her he likes her so she could be like everybody else, I'd say what my dad used to say to me when I'd get in his car after another unsuccessful night at the dance. Only I'd add one thing.

Don't worry. Your time will come. But it might not look the way you think. And that's OK.

One on One Dating Profile Review

$45 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Monday, April 28, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Just Admit You’re Rubbing Your Relationship In Your Friend’s Face

Posted: 28 Apr 2014 03:05 PM PDT

Many thanks to Btowngirl for sharing this article.

I watched a web cast of a panel that Stanger hosted a few months ago and was so annoyed by the way she made the whole friggin’ thing about her that I ended up writing a character based on her into my book.Mind you, she was terribly, terribly proud of the fact that the guy she’s now engaged to or dating told her that he blew off a woman because she had sex with him on the first date. She got quite a tickle sharing that with the audience.

It’s funny because many people like to compare me to Patti. You know, as a compliment.

Let’s start with the title.

6 Things single girls don't understand about women in relationships

So, when we’re single, we’re “girls.” But when we’re in relationships, we’re women. Oh, Patti. I see what you did there.

Let’s begin.

Our men don't have to come everywhere

When I'm in a relationship, sometimes I feel like my single friends don't invite me out with them because I'll bring my man and ruin girls' night.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I have never once worried that my married, engaged or coupled up female friends would bring their partners along on a night out. The only time I might suspect that the friend would do that is if – you guessed it – she’s done it before. This is not the default assumption on single women’s part. We don’t automatically assume that our female friends can’t function or interact independently of their guy. But we do have concerns about that when our female friend can’t ever seem to do anything on her own or without him. Unless there’s a proven track record of such dependency, we simply do not worry about this.

But we do want you to include him

Even though our men don't have to come to every, single event, we do want them around sometimes. These men are our significant others because we want them to be a significant part of our lives. We do need and want to spend time with our boos. So, if it's not a girls' night or an exclusive event, why not include our men?

Oh. So you actually do want to bring your guy with you when you go out with your female friends. Thanks for clarifying. AND STOP CALLING HIM YOUR BOO. Do I really need to explain why this kind of appropriation is offensive?

We still want to go out and party

I swear, the second one of my girlfriends starts dating a man, the single girls in my group just assume that she doesn't want to rage anymore.

Well, let’s see. I’m 45. Man or no man, I have ZERO desire to “rage.” And let’s be honest, the only time our friends in relationship do want to “rage” is usually when their significant other is otherwise engaged. We don’t invite our paire doff friends out for nights at da club because a) who even goes to da club anymore and b) because we’ve asked you before and you’ve always had a reason why you can’t that includes the phrase, “We already have plans.” You’re not not invited because we don’t want you around. We stop inviting you because you usually say no.

But we need to plan a bit more

As much as we want to party down with our single friends, we do need a bit more notice than we did in our single days. When I was single, I would get a call from a girlfriend as I was wrapping up my work for the day, meet her for a quick drink and six hours later, we'd be stumbling home after a completely random and beyond wild night. Now that I'm in a relationship, that happens less. I have plans with my man for special date nights and tickets for events. That doesn't mean relationship girls don't want to go out with you. It just means we can't do as much last minute stuff any more.

I’ll give her this one. Obviously, when you’re in a relationship, you can’t just tell your partner, “See ya! I;m going to Da Cluuub!.” It’s disrespectful not to check with them about certain things. But here’s the caveat. It’s one thing if you have plans and can’t meet up. It’s another if you don’t have plans and are like,”Well, I have to check with Brutus because I think we might be doing something.” Translation: If he wants to go out, I’m choosing him.

We're not setting you up because we think being single is pathetic

I've heard single girls complain about their relationship friends setting them up with their boyfriends' friends and getting upset about it. First, I think a set up is always a flattering thing. So, never be offended by it. Second, we're not just setting you up because we think your single lifestyle is sad and pathetic. It's because we think you're awesome and our boyfriend thinks his friend is awesome. So, why not put two awesome people together and see if there are any sparks?

Oh..so you’re setting us up with a friend of one of your “boo’s.” Huh. That’s funny. Because you never tried to set us up with a guy friend WHEN YOU WERE SINGLE. Let’s all marinate on that one for a second. Gee, now WHY wouldn’t a friend like this play matchmaker when we were both single? Hmm. Pretend to think. Pretend. to. think. Here’s why: because to friends like this, we’re the competition. So much for the whole, “We want you to beeeee happpeeeeee” stuff.

We want you to love our men

It's important to relationship women that their single friends like our men. We want you to be friends with him and not just always think of him as an annoying plus one. That's why we're bringing him around so often.

Mmmmm..no. That’s not why you bring him ’round so often. It’s not because you desperately want our blessing. You bring him around because, much like any other accessory, you feel it enhances your presentation in some way.

I will say again that these types of articles are nothing but thinly veiled humblebrags written in an attempt to condescend to and one up other single women. Yes, Patti and your ilk, we’re all just so. jealous. of your relationships that we can’t bear to be in your vicinity for fear we might go home and cry ourselves to sleep. I’m just so damn tired of this nonsense. Nobody is jealous of you, nobody covets your man, nobody is competing with you. It’s totally the other way around. The whole idea that single women don’t relate to women in relationships is perpetuated by articles like this.

We’re your friend. We’re happy for you. We’re capable of developing lives outside of not just men, but you. Trust me. We do just fine. We know that when it comes our turn to find reasons to talk about our guys or disappear for a bit, you’ll get it and you won’t hold it against us. This sort of thing is not as complex and emotionally and psychologically volatile as people like this like to portray. You don’t see us writing listicles about allll the ways being single is so much more awesome than being in a relationship. And when you do, it’s because someone is trying to compensate for something that is missing in their lives. Yammering about this stuff gives them a sense of satisfaction and validation that they just can’t seem to get when they’re single. Which is the same reason why people in relationships (not just women!) write this stuff. They need to prove to everybody that they are desirable and have achieved the incredibly lofty goal of finding someone to put up with them for an extended period of time.

Most women don’t even think like this. The ones who do need to believe that there’s this enclave of single women conspiring against them or weeping into their Cosmos because they don’t have a manz.

That’s about them, not about us. Most women who pair off make the time to maintain their female friendships. Stop making this out to be an us versus them scenario.

RELATED ARTICLES

6 Things single girls don't understand about women in relationships

http://www.pattiknows.com/6-things-single-girls-dont-understand-women-relationships/

One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me. I'll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I'll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

$45 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)

*Assistance with editing and re-writes.

*Photo selection and review.

*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.

*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.

*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.

*Assistance with editing and re-writes.

*Photo selection and review.

*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.

*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.

*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses

*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile

*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Sunday, April 27, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Online Dating Rule #1: Not Everybody You Message With Is Actually Interested

Posted: 27 Apr 2014 03:02 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Penny

:
Comment: I’ve had a lot of bad online dating experiences and I’d be grateful for a perspective specific to them. I am a little picky about who I talk to online as I want to know the person has seen something they like about me specifically and aren’t just trying to get a date with any old woman. However, these few conversations start out well, the guy mentions meeting and then they disappear and I don’t know why.

Most recently I saw a guy I liked the look of on POF (which is rare) and I added him to my favourites. He sent me a message almost instantly and I was pretty damn pleased! After a couple of messages he said he had to dash but gave me his email address so I said I’d respond to him via email then. I didn’t understand this request really but since I didn’t mind too much I did it anyway. I got a reply from him at something like 4am the next day obviously having been out and I sent him a response later that morning. I then didn’t hear back. I waited a couple of days, saw he’d been online and emailed him to say I was sorry if I’d offended him and wished him luck in his search.

Later that night he emails me saying I didn’t offend him but he’d been really busy with a friend visiting and that he fully intends to reply and meet up for a drink. I left it for around 24 hours, nothing more from him so I sent another simple message saying it was fine. He replied like 10 mins later saying it might be easier to chat via sms and asked for my number and gave me his. Again, why is texting easier than email?? I again waited till the next day and I said ok and gave him my number. He then responded a one liner about it being sexy getting my number. A couple more one liners back and forth and 2 days later and he hasn’t even texted me. I don’t know what this guy’s deal is. Surely he realises I’m going to lose interest if he doesn’t make a plan to meet up with me? And if he’s not interested in me, why is he dragging things out?

I’m so confused. I would have liked to have met him just to see but he’s showing an extreme lack of interest and follow through. I don’t know whether to give him a break and wait it out or just forget him and ignore any further communication from him. I’m not sure why or how someone loses interest so quickly but yet still sends flirty one liners and takes more than a day to do even that. Also, even though it seems a little stalkerish I decided to check his logins and he has logged into the site frequently and for long periods of time but yet doesn’t have time to talk to me much…? I know the guy probably isn’t bothered about meeting me, I just don’t get why that changed so quickly. Also, I deleted my profile because I just got tired of it all.
Age: 30
City: London
State: London

I’m not sure why or how someone loses interest so quickly but yet still sends flirty one liners and takes more than a day to do even that.

He didn’t lose interest. He just never really had it. You’re assuming that, because you’re interested, he must be interested, too. To people like him, texts and flirty one-liners take the most minimal of effort. To you, because you don’t respond to many people, those gestures have meaning and value. There’s your disconnect.

This guy would have faded sooner and you probably would have been less perplexed had you not re-engaged him. I’m not sure why you sent him an apology or what you were even apologizing for, but doing that made you vulnerable. That apology email said, “I care too much about this.” To the wrong person, that’s the brightest of all red flags. Someone just looking for dirty talk or a sexy pic exchange will jump on the chance to exploit someone’s vulnerability. You’re way too invested in this guy. That’s the main problem here.

One of most important things about online dating to know is that not everybody who responds to you is actually all that interested. You’re hanging on to this because you don’t often meet guys online that you like. You know, because you’re picky and have such high standards. Forgive the sarcasm. I guess I’m wondering why, if you’re so selective, you keep meeting men who behave this way. To me, “I’m really picky” in this context usually means, “I shoot way out of my league.” That would explain why these men keep flaking. They have enough options that you are quickly relegated to C-List. It’s harsh to hear, I know, but it’s a common way to interact online. Men and women both do this. They keep their options open hoping someone “better” will come along. That or they join these sites strictly to get off via sexting or the like and will leap at any attention they get in order to wank it to a pic of boobies..

Dating sites are full of people like this. Want to avoid them? Well, first get off the cesspool that is Plenty of Fish. Second, start being honest with yourself about what you can pull without an unreasonable amount of effort. The scenario you detail sounds needlessly convoluted. You’re taking a day to respond, he’s taking a day to respond. Jesus. Just respond! Stop trying to play it cool. There’s no time for that anymore.

Also gone are the days where we could afford to expect someone to go out of their way to demonstrate just how genuinely they interested in us without ever having even met us. All we are is a collection of photos and some words. We are not a three dimensional being to them. If someone emails you and you like their profile and they don’t appear to be just sliding by in the effort department, then reply to them. Don’t sit there and wait for them to list out all the things about you – a thumbnail – that speaks to them. You don’t have to respond to the people who just say, “hi” but you do need to account for the fact that online dating is a exhausting and cumbersome process for many. You’re not the only one disabling your profile in a huff.

One on One Dating Profile Review

$45 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Saturday, April 26, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Don’t Plant Your Flag On Planet I’m Better Than You Just Yet

Posted: 26 Apr 2014 06:21 AM PDT

A post on The Frisky yesterday got a number of people up in arms, and for good reason. dadbea

The author is engaged to a men she met while in Paris. They dated trans-atlantically for about 4 months and then got engaged. The man has a 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage. At the time that they met, the man was legally separated. He may or may not have been legally divorced at the time they got engaged. I have no idea. With stories like these many authors sometimes understandably leave out pertinent details so as not to arouse suspicion or judgment. I guess they split their time between NYC and Paris. In any case, they’re getting married. The four year old daughter is not allowed at the ceremony or reception.

Olivier also has a four-year-old daughter, and although I'm what you would call a "kid person" — I'm pretty sure I don't want my own — I loved him enough that I was willing to adjust and deal with the occasional inconveniences that a child of that age can present.

There were various angles to this story that upset commenters. But for me, the true gut punch was the idea that her fiancee’s daughter – her soon-to-be-stepdaughter - may and likely will eventually read this article.

In any case, this Frisky story stuck with me all through yesterday afternoon and into the night. All I could think about was how that little girl was going to feel in a few years when she read it, especially if the author and she had developed and affection for each other or bonded.

My therapist recently suggested that, instead of dismissing thoughts of my step-mother and what she did to my sisters and I, I should instead continue the thought. Apparently I’m doing damage to myself but constantly shutting off thoughts and emotions and they are interfering with my relationship(s). (Another story to come soon.)

See that picture? That’s my Dad and my step-mother. It was taken a week before he went in for surgery. Creepily enough, the person to my Dad’s right is my late sister. It’s strange to look at that photo and realize that all three of them passed, one right after the other, in such a short time. I look at this picture of my step-mother and I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel angry. I feel numb. For those not in the know, the story goes as follows: my Dad died, no will was found, all of his assets with the exception of one piece of property were in both his and my step-mother’s names. That included bank accounts, cars, houses, etc. My step-mother, as his spouse, automatically inherited the entirety of his estate, aside from the trusts he set up for my sisters and I. When she wrote up her will a month after my Dad died, she made the decision to leave everything to her three sons, with explicit instruction that we – my father’s biological daughters – were not to receive any of it. At a oncologist’s appointment shortly after she made this decision, it was relayed to us by that doctor (she and my sister shared an oncologist) that my step-mother told the doctor of her decision and said, “The girls aren’t going to like that.” (Note: I actually have to pause for a moment because I feel myself getting upset just typing that.) So, she was aware of what she did. I had tried to excuse her decision because she was dying and didn’t even know it. But, no, she knew what she did. And it appears she was proud of it. (Stopping again!)

My step-mother was in my life for 35 years. I didn’t really know my mother, so I bonded with my step-mother quite easily. She was never my mother, but she was always my parent. Those of you who have read this blog for some time remember how often I would praise her and express my admiration for her toughness. My older sister had warned me that she would do this. But I kept saying, “No, she wouldn’t do that. I trust her. She wouldn’t do that.” It’s rare for anybody to call me naive, but that’s exactly what she my sister said. I was thinking like a child. The child who had welcomed my step-mother into my family when my other four sisters were resistant to her presence. She bought me clothes, took me to shop for lip gloss, invited me for coffee and donuts on Saturday mornings when my own sisters couldn’t have been bothered with me. She was my friend. She wouldn’t do that.

And then she did. And then I felt like a fool.

I’ve been dreaming a lot about rats lately. According to dream interpretation books, these rodents signify an erosion of trust and betrayal. My step-mother and sister figure prominently in these dreams. Always. As does my father, who always stays quiet. He is there, I can see him, I can even touch him, but he never says anything. He just stares at me. His expression is blank. It says, ” Your job is to overcome.”

Betrayal cuts me deeper than any emotion I grapple with. Because, see, not only do I have to deal with a broken trust, but I have to accept that I trusted the wrong person, even when people advised me not to. That’s what kills me.

That’s why I read this article and all I could wonder was how that little girl was going to feel when she learns that her step-mother saw her as nothing more than baggage and an inconvenience. At 43, I had developed a fairly decent set of coping mechanisms. But what resort will this young woman have at 12 or 14? How will this revelation change her? What if, like me, it breaks her spirit a bit?

I’ve long since acknowledged that articles like this are full of bravado. A good friend and writer I greatly admire Betty Ehrenpreis wrote about this story for another side. Her take had to do with the bad habit some of us females have of blaming the Ex or Other Woman when triangles in our relationships arise. To write a post like this, The Frisky author has to be sure that there will be no collateral damage. Which, of course, there will be. But she doesn’t seem to care much about that. She’s got the guy. That’s all she needs. I question any parent who would allow for a story like that to go public. His job is to protect his child at all costs, and he failed spectacularly. Granted, he doesn’t have control over the author. I’m not suggesting that he tell her what to do or that she is obligated to listen. But he should have influence. And she should have the awareness to know that publishing such an article was only going to make things worse, especially when she’s aware that the ex-wife does and has been doing the expected Facebook creeping. It’s one thing to create drama when it’s just the three of you. Adding a child to the mix means you need to put such pettiness aside lest the child end up feeling like she’s being pulled in many directions.

There’s this confidence some of us develop that stems from having a man in our life that sometimes causes us to do or say things we would never in a million years have the balls to do or say otherwise. As far as I’m concerned, this writer and the people like her who humblebrag about their newborn marriages and relationships and who subversively condescend to single people, is building herself up for a spectacularly hard fall. The ripple effect of which will stretch wide and be permanent. But I don’t think she’s thinking about that. She’s got the ring, she’s got the guy, therefore nothing else matters. The guy will be her air bag when things crumble. At least, that’s what she thinks.

The Frisky author has been with this guy for less than a year, and while some people might disagree, I think that’s a little too soon to be planting her flag on planet I’m Better Than You. But that doesn’t seem to stop people from writing these articles. Neither does the threat of possibly ending up with egg all over their face when the relationship dissolves. Which many do, especially ones with shaky foundations. And thanks to this article, this one is capital “S” shaky.

There are a multitude of reasons why I don’t often discuss my love life, the main one being that I hate the idea that a woman can only have opinions on sex and dating and relationship if she has a man in her life to cite as proof that she knows what she’s talking about. The man is what provides value and credibility to her words. I disagree with that, and I happen to think that the idea that I would need a man in my life to have opinions about these topics is inherently sexist and problematic. If there is one thing I am proud of it’s that I have been able to do this for so long while at the same time being perceived as perpetually single. I never want to develop a false sense of confidence due to the presence of a man in my life, because that’s a tenuous grasp to have. Nor do I wish to live my life sucking off the validation or approval of others. I hope that I’ve managed to aptly fill that bottomless need for attention and acceptance I still carry with me. I still have to feed that girl from time to time, of course. But I don’t think she rules me any more.

I’m hoping the author of The Frisky post will reconsider her decision to publish that article. At the very least, I hope she gives serious thought to what she’s about to undertake and accept her share of the responsibility for the happiness and well-being of his daughter.

ARTICLES TO READ:

True Story: I Accepted A Marriage Proposal After Only 5 Months Of Dating

http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-08-01/true-story-i-accepted-a-marriage-proposal-after-only-5-months-of-dating/

True Story: My Fiancé's Ex Is Doing Everything She Can To Make My Life Hell

http://www.thefrisky.com/2014-04-25/true-story-my-fiances-ex-is-doing-everything-she-can-to-make-my-life-hell/

True Story: It's Not His Ex, It's You

http://theurbandater.com/dating-relationships/true-story-ex.php/

Friday, April 25, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Anybody Can Say I Love You

Posted: 25 Apr 2014 05:55 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): LM
Comment: How do you know if a guy is taking you seriously, or just biding his time until something elso comes along? I’ve been spending my time with a guy for a little over a year. We would meet up then go our separate ways. Then I started sleeping over a lot. Almost every night. Here is how things are now: we spend 3-4 nights a week together. Our sex life is amazing, but we rarely go out. Until recently we didn’t go out at all. I had to tell him I wanted to go out several times before we actually did. Admittedly his budget didn’t allow for much until recently.

He won’t say that we are in a relationship, but he says he loves me. (note: it took him an entire year before he uttered those words even though I’d said them months before.) He recently got a house- within a month of being there he had cleared out closet space for me, and I have a shelf in his bathroom. He talks to me about decisions with his business and respects my opinion about things.(regular, in-depth conversation only started to become a regular thing a month or two ago. Before we only had small-talk or blow-out arguments.) My biggest issue is the fact that he won’t call me his girlfriend. I care deeply for him, but would like to eventually get married and he won’t even commit to this actually being a relationship. I am very confused. Is this something real that is just moving very slowly, or am I just a temporary companion to him?
Age: 25
City: Birmingham
State: Alabama

It’s become a trend around here for people to come to me with their concerns and confusions hoping that I will be able to tell them what they want to hear so that they don’t have to broach the conversation or make a decision for themselves. If you don’t feel you can bring up certain topics with someone you’re involved with, then that should speak volumes to you about how tenuous that relationship is.

I don’t have an answer for you. Only he can give you that. To me, it sounds like he’s making tiny little gestures in order to accommodate you, but has no intention of actually taking the leap and saying, “Yes. Let’s do this. We’re together.” You said it yourself. He won’t even commit to being in a relationship with you. You have your answer. Now all you have to do is talk to him to get confirmation that your suspicions either are or are not unfounded. I can’t do that for you.

Just because he says he loves you doesn’t mean he does. Anybody can say I Love You. I met up with an ex recently. We have a history. This wasn’t somebody I dated for a month or two. This was someone who was in my life off and on for quite some time. He asked me to meet him for a drink. I complied. We talked. We mended fences. He repeated back to me stuff I had written, knew all about what was going on in my family including the death of an uncle I mentioned once a year and a half ago. He copped to reading this site, and I know he still does. (So, hi.) He told me that he often thought of me or was reminded of me when he saw certain things. And then he said he loved me. He continued to say it all night.

Here’s the thing. He doesn’t love me. People have a tendency to romanticize certain situations, even bad ones. I love you is a nice thing to say in the moment. I love you is often a bumper used to soften the tone or the mood. In those instances I love you serves as filler.

OP, you’re clinging to the words and gestures coming from this man because you want to. If he loved you – truly loved you – he wouldn’t hesitate to make things official. That’s what true love is about. True love involves sacrifice and leaps of faith pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones. This guy doesn’t seem to be doing any of that. He’s just saying the words because he probably knows you want to hear them. He can’t give you what you actually want, which is a commitment, so he’s giving you what he believes is the next best thing – I Love You.

One on One Dating Profile Review

$45 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)