Monday, June 30, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Are Guys Threatened By Her Financial Situation? #atwys

Posted: 30 Jun 2014 02:41 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): MK
Comment: Hi,

This may be a New York specific question, but here goes…

I’m a 32 year woman who dates pretty regularly, primarily through OKCupid, but occasionally from meeting people out and about. I’m no model, but I’m pretty easy on the eyes, and get along with most people. I’m perpetually single, and I don’t altogether mind it, but it drives me bananas that I can’t figure out if it’s bad luck or something within my control.

I think one potential issue may be that I’m typically more financially successful than the men I date. I’m an art school girl who landed a really fun, creative, flexible, lucrative job. I also own and manage several apartments and I’ve done a lot of traveling since childhood.

I feel like on 80% of my first dates, the dude starts going on and on about trust fund kids and spoiled kids in Brooklyn. I’m not really a trust fund kid, but I know I’ve had it easier financially than a lot of other people. I also know I work really hard, don’t have fancy tastes, and don’t particularly care about a potential partner’s earning potential.

I try to avoid mentioning the property I own, but it always comes out eventually. I’ve been renovating my home for the last three months, so I’ve been living in the basement, dealing with the nightmare that is renovation. If a date asks me about my day, and I omit the renovation, I feel like I’m basically lying, since it’s such a huge part of my life. The renovation is nearly over, but there’s always something, like shoveling snow all winter and dealing with tenant issues.

I feel like the money stuff can get so alienating to men. Any advice on how to manage all of this?, I don’t usually love dating lawyers and finance types, but the money stuff doesn’t seem to work for the artsy boys.
Age: 32
City: Brooklyn
State: NY

Here’s what I don’t understand. I don’t really buy that you feel compelled to tell these men about your properties or that you feel you’re being dishonest. I think you like showing off a bit. Here’s why I think that: because in one of your first sentences you say that you’re easy on the eyes. You don’t say frame it in a humble way. You brag.

I can remember reading an article a few months ago by a woman who talked about receiving a large inheritance from her father and how she felt this inheritance often made people dismiss her grief, as though the money somehow makes up for it. She implied multiple times that the inheritance was sizeable. Sizeable enough to buy a Park Avenue apartment. But she insisted that she didn’t want to get into how much because it was just too inappropriate.

When I asked her how people even knew about her inheritance, she insisted that it came up in regular conversations. Now, as someone who also inherited money, I had to call bullshit on that. It’s just not something I talk about with guys that I date or random strangers. I don’t find myself ever bringing up the topic of how I inherited money to my dates or guys I’ve dated for only a short period of time. Nobody asks me how I can afford certain things. But that’s usually because I don’t tell them my spending habits. Plus, in NYC, it’s hardly uncommon for people to inherit money. Technically, I own property. I don’t tell people that because I inherited it. I didn’t buy it. Those are two completely different situations with different implications. Reading between the lines of your letter, I’m getting the vibe that you grew up upper middle class or come from a wealthy background. Hearing that you own several apartments immediately has me wondering how, at 32 years old, you came to do that. You very well could just make exceptionally great investments. My father did exactly what you did at your age. He bought several properties and managed them, then sold them. On a teacher’s salary. So it’s possible. My point is that just by revealing these bits of info, you’re telling more than you realize. And some people are going to judge you negatively for it. Last year, for the first time in my life, I bought myself an expensive Ralph Lauren leather purse. Love. It. I only take it out on special occasions and dates. I’ve had guys comment on that purse. That’s an immediate signal that they are forming an opinion of me. Which is funny, because I am so far from what they probably assume. People judge and bring their own stuff to the table. That’s out of our control. I’m not going to not use that purse.

Personally, I don’t understand why someone in your financial position would want to date a guy who makes significantly less or doesn’t have a similar level of stability. It just makes things easier. I have zero interest in dating guys who are always looking for happy hour deals or live on such a tight budget that there’s little to no buffer to do fun things like go away for a night or grab tickets to a Broadway show (where we’d both pay half). My business allows me to be able to do stuff like that. I don’t want to date someone who needs a month to save up for something of that nature.

I also give a side-eye to “80%” of your dates all happening to bring up the same issue of spoiled trust funders. That’s a pretty high percentage, so if it’s even slightly accurate, then more than likely – since you’re the only common denominator – you’re saying something that encourages that particular conversation. This is just not typical first date chit chat. It’s not. So, someway, somehow, you’re leading the discussion to that place. Possibly without even knowing it.

You don’t have to tell guys that you’re getting your house renovated. You can say you’re getting your kitchen or bathroom re-done. Boom. Done. Or you could just date guys for whom that doesn’t sound atypical or weird. One of the first changes you need to make is to start using a paid site. OkCupid is great, but it’s free, which means it attracts all the cry poors, hipster artists, and joe schmoes. Go to Match.com and pay for a subscription. There you will meet other people who can afford $40 a month. OKCupid is where a lot of broke/marginally employed dudes go to get laid.

The money stuff is only alienating if you’re always throwing it around or lording it over people. Nobody would ever know anything about your situation if you didn’t tell them. So either stop telling them until you and the guy are on solid footing or date more upscale guys. I know you said that you don’t like to date law/finance types, but I have to wonder if maybe the problem isn’t that you prefer not to date them or if you have a hard time attracting them.

You’re probably not being obnoxious about it, but I do think you’re being too open about your financial situation. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you’re in the right company. Artsy dudes are not your target market. Not because they’re threatened by your financial stability but because your lifestyles are probably very different. Some might be intimidated by it, but I highly doubt all of them are. I think that’s in your head.

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Sunday, June 29, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Skills 101: Stop. Talking.

Posted: 29 Jun 2014 02:43 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Scarlett

Comment: I met this guy online, we chatted, both not looking for a relationship, but not against one either. We decided to try being exclusive “special” friends. We met, texted for a while and then finally hooked up. We then got into a disagreement because he said he deleted his profile and he hadn’t. We stopped talking for about 2-3 weeks.
I contacted him to see if we can try it again and he was game. Here is where it all changed for me. He was dealing with his child being very very ill and during this time visited me. He was obviously vulnerable and it kind of got me more involved emotionally. His child has since recovered, but he is now different with me. Very little to no response to my texts etc…
I asked him if were still on the same page ” not dating anyone else”.
His response was that I was making it weird… What happened?
Age: 34
City: San Francisco
State: CA

What happened is that you said too much.

Let’s start with the “special friends” agreement. I’ll warn everybody that I’m about to make a broad generalization here. When a man says that he’s looking for something casual but is open to more, more than likely he’s just looking for something casual. When a woman says she’s looking or open to something casual but also open to more, she’s looking for the “more” part. She accepts casual hoping/thinking the guy will decide she’s someone he wants to date seriously if he just spends enough time with her.

nope3

Forget any story where the woman was able to convert the guy who stated upfront he was looking for something casual into something more. Also ignore the stories from women who insist that they were the ones who held off on committing to a guy, told him as much, and that he just stuck it out and waited around until she was ready because she was so special. In 90% of those cases, you’re not getting the full story. You’re getting the woman’s interpretation of events. Remember, a lot of women love to present themselves as exceptions to the rule for the sake of elevating themselves above other women.

People who make such declarations like “Looking for something casual but open to more” in their profiles or initial conversations really should be approached with caution. As we discussed a few weeks ago the, “I’m looking for a relationship but open to FWB arrangements” are usually traps used by people who have probably struggled to find a relationship and so have resorted to using the lure of sex as bait. These are people who say they can handle casual but usually can’t. Same goes for people who state explicitly in some way that they’re looking for casual but are not opposed to something serious “down the road.” Let me tell you what’s down the road: heartache, confusion, mixed messages, and frustration. It’s one thing to think it. It’s an entirely different ball of wax to say it, capiche? That’s the distinction to keep in mind.

My guess is that this guy wasn’t so much exclusive with you as he was just not proactively sleeping with other people. I’m not sure what the purpose of agreeing to being exclusive special friends other than it allowed you to think whatever you wanted to think. What does “exclusive special friends” even mean? The whole label is contradictory. How can friends be exclusive? Oh, right. They can’t. Therefore, his agreeing to being super secret wonder twins or whatever was just, you guessed it, words. It meant nothing. He agreed because it got him what he wanted. And he probably lied when eh said he took his profile down. Because, like, people lie. That’s something else that people need to write down and burn into their brains.

“But he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship!”He lied.

“But he said he really liked me!” He lied.

“But he said he was afraid to get attached and that’s why he broke up with me!” He. Lied.

When he said that you were making things weird, OP, what I think he meant is that you were agreeing to be casual but showing signs of treating the situation as though it were serious.When his child was ill, you saw an opportunity to try and make yourself indispensable. Essentially, you tried to use his vulnerability to your advantage. No, the child’s illness is not why you got more involved emotionally. That’s a lie you’ve told yourself because you want to believe you were always okay with the arrangement from the start. You were always involved emotionally, which is the opposite of “casual.” See? We even lie to ourselves. Your attempt to back door a way into a commitment didn’t work. It never does.

If you were truly okay with things being casual, whether or not he took his profile down wouldn’t matter. You tipped your hand by bringing it up. PS? You would have only know this if you had gone looking for his profile or logged in to your account as well. So either you’re snooping or you’re also still using the site. You had no leverage in the argument.

As a very wise friend once told me, there are times when we have to take someone’s word at face value, because unless we have hard reliable proof otherwise, our statements to the contrary would not hold up. The debate would result in nothing but an exhausting back and forth with nothing being resolved. The next time you or anybody else wishes to make pointed accusations, remember that your feelings are not fact. You can say you think something is the case, but then they can come back at you and lie and – without proof – you have no actual defense. You are forced to accept their word, leaving you frustrated. That’s why these petty arguments and points that people like to throw at folks they’re dating usually end up with the person being accused turning things around and making it about you and your crazy. You achieve nothing.

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Friday, June 27, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How To Avoid Dating Burnout #atwys

Posted: 27 Jun 2014 06:15 AM PDT

lias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Felicia

Comment: Hi moxie
Texting. Sigh. I was all set up to go on a date next week with a guy I met on ok Cupid. He set me some messages and I replied fairly quickly and we were exchanging messages like they were texts. Nothing crazy just the usual banter. I said something about how it’s easier to talk in real life and he said “we should meet for a drink then” and so I gave him my number and the texting continued with no plans to meet. I told him I’m not a huge texter especially not when I’m at work. I have gotten in trouble with my boss for being on my phone too much in the past. So we made plans. The texting continues into the weekend but it was nothing engaging just “hey” and when I told him about my weekend his response was “same” instead of an actual response so that’s the last text I got from him. I wake up Monday morning to “you don’t seem into me, maybe we’re not a match” this made me very upset because what more can a person do to show that they’re interested besides the occasional text and you know, agreeing to go out. Honestly I don’t know why I’m surprised he did seem more interested in just texting and maybe that was his intention all along, just to text someone and not meet. Had he just cancelled for another reason it would have been one thing but to blame me and say he’s canceling because I “didn’t seem interested” really pissed me off. We are in our mid 30s so it’s not like we have been dating with this technology for very long and I clearly remember dating without cell phones. Is this what dating has become? You have to be craft a perfect profile, pick perfect photos, be charming over message, charming over text. All of this work before you even meet! Its exhausting. All of this work and buildup only for something like this to happen. I guess not wanting to text and being vocal about preferring meeting in real life backfired on me. I know your advice is to keep texting brief and I agree but what if it seems they take that as a sign that you’re not interested? Red flag and move on or is this what dating has become?
Age: 33
City: New York
State: New York

My advice is to never give your phone number out until a date is set, and only then give it out the day before or day of the date. Why? Because of exactly what you experienced.

This guy was never all that interested. He only turned it around on you because he wasn’t going to say, “Hey, I’m not all that interested.” He put you on the defensive so that he didn’t seem like the bad guy. It’s like the dude from yesterday’s letter who sent a text accusing the woman of leaving the bar and not coming back. This guy was just done with you, and that’s how he chose to get out of it.

You’re experiencing dating burn out, a common feeling of frustration that many daters experience. The way to avoid it is to not engage in certain behaviors that more often than not lead to one or both people feeling jilted and confused.

Here are some things people should do/not do in order to side-step dating malaise and fatigue.

Post good photos - Face, full body shot, social shot. That’s it. No photos taken at weird angles or at a distance. Do not in any way obstruct your face and body. And you MUST have at least 3 photos.

Don’t reply to anybody who admits in their profile they’re just out of a relationship, new in town, just checking this out, expresses hesitation about online dating, etc – These people are flakes.

Don’t engage anyone with less then 3 photos. – They only post one or two because they either have no recent photos or are only posting pics where they look atypically good. These people are the ones who end up not looking anything like their photos.

Do not email anybody until you’ve read their complete profile and viewed all of their photos. – You know how it is. You get excited at that primary photo and skim their profile then shoot off a message. But then you go through their pictures and profile text and notice little red flags. Or you realize they posted a wildly inaccurate photo as their primary pic and buried the one where they don’t look as good in the back.

Do not respond to anybody without a photo. – That is, unless you really enjoy awkward conversations where you have to tell them you’re not interested because you don’t find them attractive. You then set yourself up for weird conversations. People who don’t post photos don’t post them for a reason. They know they’re not conventionally attractive and are hoping to rope someone in with their witty banter or other aspect to their lifestyle/personality.

Do not engage in email conversation past a certain point without setting up a date. - I’ve said this before, exchange maybe 3-4 emails between you (6-8 total) and then suggest an in person meet-up. Somebody has to take the initiate, so do it. These people who write in and say they spent weeks to a month “chatting” with people baffle me. Who has that kind of time to invest in a stranger? If they’re delaying meeting up, there’s a reason, and it’s likely one that will impede any kind of real life relationship.

Do not engage the creeps and weirdos. – You are never going to teach someone a lesson or give them one to grow on. It’s not your place to reply to them and try and figure out their particular pathology. Here’s your answer: they’re idiots who think insulting you or asking weird questions or behaving in an odd manner is endearing. If someone emails you to tell you they disagree with something you say in your profile or try to school you, delete and block them. You’re as foolish as they are if you think you’re going to get anywhere with them.

Don’t respond if you’re not interested or tell someone you’re not interested. – No, it’s not a sign of politeness if someone does this. It’s rude. People get off on rejecting folks, that’s why they do it. That or they are completely socially tone deaf.

Do not ask someone why they weren’t interested. – You will NEVER get the truth, ergo it’s a pointless conversation.

Do not track them down via social media. – Without context, you will not have a way to properly assess their statements or behavior. Just take them at their word until they give you reason not to.

Don’t pull the safety card in order to see how much info they’ll give you.- I can tell you right now, more and more people are beginning to balk at this because they know it’s a test. You are not owed any kind of dossier on that person you’re meeting for a beer. When they start asking you for money or behaving in a way that is suspicious, then check them out.

Do not confront someone with information you easily and effortlessly found. – Here’s why: if you were able to find information that easily, that means they a) don’t care what you think and b) never had any intention of actually dating you. They also have a ready made explanation that they give to everybody that usually works. And let’s face it, if they’re attractive, it usually works so the point is moot.

Do not engage in email or text banter before first date. – Like, at all. Make the date and don’t speak until your date. Too often, a false sense of familiarity builds and people get too comfortable or get spooked.

Embrace The Fade – It sucks, it’s not fair and it sometimes really hurts. But people do it. Men and women. Sometimes people feel it’s the humane way to go. Sometimes they just don’t care enough to tell you why they’re not interested. Don’t try to rationalize it or make sense of it.

Do not expect them to closely resemble their photos. – A picture is one moment in time. It is a one dimensional representation of how we look. Maybe they had a good hair day that day. Maybe they’ve put on ten pounds since they posted that photo. There needs to be some wiggle room in your expectations.

Reply back in a timely fashion. - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if longer than 24 hours goes by and someone doesn’t respond, don’t get too attached. Not yet, at least. There’s no excuse for a time lapse longer than a day.

Don’t cancel your first date. - Extenuating circumstances aside, cancelling is going to start you off at a deficit.

Offer to contribute to the table and send a god damn Thank You text after the date. – Looking at you, single women. Just do it. Stop complaining and standing on principal and do it. It scores you points.

Don’t listen to the internet. - I’m telling you, all those people talking about all the dates they’re getting are leaving something out of the story. There was one blogger that I used to follow who got several dates a week at 40 years old. Turns out she mentioned in her profile how much she enjoys sex and how important it is. Derp. That’s why she got so many dates. As for the people who whine and complain, I can assure you they’re batting way, way, way out of their league, have awful taste in men/women, or are telling you a distorted version of the truth.

Don’t quit. – Online dating is hard. It’s arduous and time consuming. But it is like this for everybody. You are not experiencing something many, many other people haven’t experienced. We all deal with the same nonsense. You have to keep at it. Forget detoxes and breaks. You can take a little hiatus here and there, but don’t delete or disable your profile. Just focus on other things for a couple of days.

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Thursday, June 26, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Did She Get Chewed & Screwed? #atwys

Posted: 26 Jun 2014 05:55 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): nb1972
Comment: I joined OKC a week ago. I’ve been on 3 dates, two with men who added about 5 in to their height, but were otherwise good for an hour of chat so the dates weren’t a total loss. And yes, I realize this is the norm, not the exception.

My third date suggested a restaurant, that I discovered was cash only when I arrived. I rarely carry cash, since most restaurants accept CCs, but figured I’d just run to the atm if need be. We actually had a great time, despite my lack of attraction. Time flew, we had a LOT to talk about, he was engaging, interesting, showing me pictures of his dog etc.. No attraction, but we were having a great time. But, he didn’t flirt with me at all, which struck me as a bit odd. I’m no model, but I’m objectively better looking then he. He then abruptly decides that we need to leave. He takes out his amex, and the bartender mentions cash only. No big deal right? ATM next door. But he doesn’t have his debit card with him. I suggest he leave his ID. No ID on him. I would have happily covered the entire bill but it was $175. But I have no choice so I go to the ATM and withdraw $250. When I return to the bar he is gone! The bartender says, ‘he thought you left for good, he’s on Bergen st!!’ Now, I was only gone for 10 min, as I was walking to my bank, and I didn’t receive any text from him telling me he was leaving. I pay the bill. I’m not about to go running around Bergen on some wild goose chase so I then text him asking where he is. No reply. I assume he’s just mortified, and that’s why he’s ignoring me. An hour later I send another ‘I went to get cash and you were gone’. An hour later another ‘listen, don’t worry about tonight, I’ve done that before’. Which I haven’t, but I was trying to help him save face, because I believed he was horrified. The next morning I receive this reply ‘let’s be honest. you never came back. you went to the grocery store and never returned. Lesson learned’. no idea where this grocery store comment came from but that’s incidental. I wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but the more I thought about it, the more suspicious I became. Who goes out on a date in nyc with only an AMEX, and no ID or any way to get cash on a date? If you have an Amex, you’re often told no, so you know that many bars don’t accept it and you bring an alternate form of payment. And he picked the bar, he must have known it was cash only. So, I was informed by a friend that this is a thing. Male version of dinner whores. And that the way to avoid this was to make the first date a coffee date. Coffee dates? they’re sterile and boring. Drinks dates are fun. Or, if we’re getting drinks, to never ever ring up a large tab or order food. Well what if I decide I’m hungry? And we’re drinking expensive drinks, and I can afford my half? That’s part of the fun of dating. And, this guy was an entertainment lawyer (he claims). Even if that was a lie, I could tell he was educated and well employed, this is not someone who needs a free meal. So, is this really a common thing? Any tipoffs? Because I didn’t see any. It wasn’t even scheduled as a dinner date- I was just hungry and we decided to order food at the bar. But he was drinking really expensive port.
Age: 41
City: brooklyn
State: NY

You’re right to wonder who leaves their house without their ID, a debit card, or cash or at least one of those things. I had my wallet stolen years ago and inside was not just my State ID but my social security card because my father always carried his in his wallet (I know, lesson learned.) I went a loooong time without that ID. When I got it replaced, I put it in the wallet I keep in my purse for when I go out. I don’t carry my ID with me unless I know I’m going somewhere were I could be carded because I’m so afraid to lose it again. The social security card now resides in a lock box with all my other pertinent documentation. So I can give someone a pass for not having their ID on them, and for not having cash because many people no longer carry cash.

But no debit card? That’s fishy. And why couldn’t he take a cash advance on his credit card? Pretty much every credit card allows for that, no? Granted, this is a seriously awkward situation, but there were various ways this guy could have resolved the issue. Leave the card with the bar and then bring cash the next day or call with debit card info, etc.

Could it have been a scam? Eh, I guess. But there were a lot of unknown factors that he couldn’t have anticipated that makes me think it wasn’t. What if the bar brushed it off and said, “Hey, just call us when you get home with your debit card info.” What if you refused to pay for it? The venue has to have a way to accept electronic payment.Especially since this must happen all the time. Who looks to check if a venue accepts credit cards?

To me, this feels like he wasn’t interested and decided he didn’t want to pay the tab himself. Once you left the bar, he took the window of opportunity presented and left. His response to you about accusing you of leaving was just to get you off his back. He certainly wasn’t going to admit that he left you to pay that bill. My guess is that he did have his debit card on him, and probably his ID. He just wanted to avoid having to pay the bill. Did he set out to chew and screw? I don’t think so. I think he decided to do it when he realized he wasn’t interested. He may have selected a cash only place for this very reason, but I think that was the extent of the con. If he was interested, I think he would have paid. If he never intended to pay and just wanted to humiliate a woman, then that’s some serious “In the Company of Men” style nastiness. If you haven’t seen that movie, watch it to get an idea of just how cruel some people can be.

As we’ve discussed here, the first date at a restaurant should really be considered a red flag. Few people do that anymore, especially with online dates. The dinner on the first date is relegated to two types of people – the ones looking for sex or a free meal, and the ones trying too hard. Seasoned daters know not to do this, especially in New York City. Pro tip: never choose a seat at the bar for a first date. It’s not conducive to talking or getting to know someone. Get a table. How you managed to amass a tab of $175 while sitting at the bar is a little curious, but whatever. If you two were sitting at the bar, then how is it that at no point during the date the bartender/server never mentioned the cash only policy? How did he pay for his rounds of expensive merlot? To start a tab you usually if not always have to leave some form of ID with the bar. Unless, of course, the bartender knew him. Or the bartender was spectacularly bad at his job. I’m starting to think that this guy does this regularly. He takes women out, wines and dines them in the hopes of getting laid. He pays when he thinks that is going to happen, and chews and screws when he doesn’t. Stay classy, dude. And I think he takes them to that bar or a bar where the staff knows him.

He abruptly decided to leave because, even though you thought you were out of his league, he wasn’t into you. He saw that the night wasn’t going to end in a way that would justify spending $250, so he bailed. And..scene.

Thoughts?

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*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

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*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Is It Ever OK To Lie In Your Dating Profile? #atwys

Posted: 25 Jun 2014 08:08 AM PDT

The topic of transparency and online dating came up over at The Frisky yesterday, and it stirred an interesting debate. orly_dr_evil

As I’ve said before, deception is an integral part of online dating whether we like it or not. It can be as innocent as fudging your age to as nefarious as scamming someone out of thousands of dollars. The levels of deception vary, but the exist, and it’s time that people just start excepting that instead of clutching their pearls.

The main focus of the article was whether or not someone should photoshop their photos. As someone with slightly photoshopped photos on her profile, I don’t see a problem with it.

meshoot4

This is one of my photos. In it, my face has been enhanced a bit to make the features more clear. The original and untouched photo is below:

Now, to me. There isn’t much difference. I’m sure that somebody will manage to find something to pick at, but to me they look pretty much the same.

Here’s another one I use on my profile:

winetopnobra

Now, here’s the untouched original:

Blow this sucker up and you’ll see the lines under my eyes. Oh, and you’ll see that my bra was showing. Do I really look that different? No. Since these were taken at the height of everything going on with my family and just a few weeks before my sister died, I knew that the bags under my eyes were due to stress and could be fixed with rest and aggressive skin care treatments (creams, foundation, not surgery). Therefore I really didn’t feel I was being too misleading by posting the retouched version. P.S. I eagerly await the running commentary from the peanut gallery offering sage advice about how to treat under eye lines and bags.

Now, do I think people should post egregiously misleading photos? No, I don’t. Of course not. But, boo hoo, I might show up on a date and have wrinkles under my eyes. You poor dears, I hope you’ll be able to muster through that date.

Anyhoo, in the comments of the article, I attempted to use some critical analysis to one particularly overused dating trope and it did not go over well. (For those of you who aren’t as literarrrayish and wicked smaht writery writers like me, a trope is an overused and often cliched theme or plot device.) One of the writers for the site weighed in in the comments saying that if someone lies about their height or age or posts photo shopped photos, then it should be considered what other, more sinister, things they’re hiding. I then asked her whether or not her new husband that she met online had revealed in his profile that he was here on a visa that was about to expire. They had recently married, and she admitted that the fact that his visa was about to expire was one of the reasons they decided to marry so soon after meeting. I have a hard time believing that he did mention it, because who wants to meet up with someone who might be leaving?? (Other than people just looking for something casual, which is totally acceptable.) Of course, nobody over there agreed with my reasoning. While the writer didn’t answer me, many of the commenters chimed in saying that not revealing your citizenship or employment status in your profile/before you meet isn’t the same as lying about your age or height or posting photo shopped photos. “How would someone even go about addressing that?” one person asked. The same way we expect people who are not actually single but rather separated do. They simply explain the situation. Of course, if someone actually did leave out the fact they weren’t officially divorced, there would be an uproar. Citizenship or employment status? Eh, whatevs. That logic makes no sense. And we all know I am all about the making of the sense.

Now, I don’t know about any of you, but if I show up to a date and learn that the guy who said in his profile that he lives in New York City actually lives in Stamford, CT, I’m going to be mildly annoyed. But here’s the kicker: if I find him attractive and we get on, I’ll probably overlook that misleading bit of information. Forget about it if he doesn’t actually live in the US and is possibly going to be leaving for several months if not permanently very soon. Not revealing that bit of information in some way before you meet someone, to me, is deceptive. Same goes for employment status. If a guy checks off Executive/Management as his occupation but reveals on the first date that he’s actually unemployed and never mentioned that fact in his profile, I’m not going to be thrilled. But if I like him, I’m probably going to get past it. But just to be clear..that’s still a form of deception.

In any case, my point of the debate was that I believe statements like, “If they lie about X, then they’ll do Y” are poorly constructed arguments often used to justify being shallow or too picky. Yo9u can’t arbitrarily decide that not being upfront about one thing is different than not being upfront about something else equally as important. And, let’s face it, where someone lives and whether or not they have a job or are separated or have kids are important.

Bottom line? If you like ‘em, you’re not going to care. If you aren’t attracted to them, they’re just lying liars who lie and waste your pretty/handsome. That’s why all this ballyhooing about honesty and online dating is a waste of energy. There’s lying and then there is lying. Fudging the truth and omitting certain bits of information, in my opinion, are acceptable so long as you come clean once you meet. Someone who decides you’re insecure or being maliciously deceptive because you shaved a few years off your age or added two inches to your height probably just isn’t attracted to you or has superficial reasons why the lie is unacceptable. That’s my two cents on the matter.

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*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)