Attract Girls Now: 2013

Monday, December 30, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 30 Dec 2013 01:21 PM PST

So, yeah. tomorrow, New Year’s Eve, is my birthday. I turn 45. bday

It feels strange. It’s definitely something I feel I have to settle in to. Lots of questions about my future, what I should do next, what does it have in store for me, etc. Honestly? I’m growing weary of writing this column.

Yesterday my sister sent a text asking if we could all convene on Jan 1st to resume the probate talks. The legal aspect is now over, but my sisters and I still have to hash out the details in regards to the two properties.

I didn’t respond to the text. I just didn’t feel like getting in to it. On top of that, I’ve been feeling pretty sick these last few days, something my sister knew. 2 hours after she sent the text, she calls me. “To check in.” It took less than 2 minutes for her to ask if I had received her text.

As I frequently say, sometimes no response is a response. To call me and ask if i had received it felt passive aggressive. You know I received it. I didn’t want to talk about it. Now you’re forcing me to talk about it.

I share this story to try and explain why maybe those conversations we try to have when we feel we’re being ignored or blown off don’t go so well. By confronting the person, you’re putting them in an uncomfortable spot. You’re also annoying them, which often leads to things being said that wouldn’t have been said had you just sat on your hands for a bit or taken the hint.

Something else has been on my mind. I spent a great deal of time Sunday morning reviewing female dating profiles on OKCupid. I was looking for some curly hair styles for an upcoming party. I concentrated on women in my age range – 38-50. Here’s something I noticed:

Many of the women did everything they could to hide their face. Their photos were heavily filtered or they were posed at weird angles or lying down. (Sidenote: men and women both have to do away with the sexy bedroom head on the pillow pose.) Or the photos were obviously old. FYI…men and women should view their profile photos using both their laptop and their phone and even their iPad or tablet. Depending on what you’re using to access the site, your photos might end up looking old when they aren’t.

Looking at these profiles made me feel really frustrated. It was if women my age felt they had to hide those little lines or circles or whatever. There were a lot of shots taken at a distance or wearing sunglasses. But there were other photos on their profile that made it clear that these were really attractive women. yet there was this consistent pattern of pictures on their profiles that made it seem as though they were hiding.Which sucks. I’m even guilty of it. When I had my photos taken a few months ago, I asked the photographer to air brush out the circle under my eyes. We are what we are. We look like what we look like. Any 40 or 45 year old man still expecting a 40 year old woman to look 25 has unreasonable expectations. By hiding or posting pictures like this, we’re feeding into the idea that to be of value or to be attractive to men, we need to look young.

This little project also made me recognize that there are some amazing women on OKCupid these days, so I don’t know what all the whining from guys is about.

What Do You Do When Every Guy Reminds You of Your Ex?

Posted: 30 Dec 2013 01:17 PM PST

Name: Jackie
Website:
Question: Hello, I’ve written in before about the guy wanting me to come to his place for our second date.

Well we went out several times more and I still haven’t gone to his place. But on our last few dates he acted very depressed and told me about some things going on with his family. This put me off a bit. Once, I don’t feel like someone you just met needs to know your family drama. Two, the fact that he couldn’t compartmentalize for a few hours on our dates sent up a flag for me. He reminded me of my ex who uses sympathy to hook women. I don’t want to enter a relationship for someone I feel bad for. It doesn’t seem healthy for either of us.

I considered no longer seeing him due to this but I don’t want to write him off for this if it’s not really as big a deal as I’m viewing it. Also, every time of think he is losing interest, he texts me again. I spoke with him a few days ago and got two word answers so I stopped messaging him. I didn’t hear from him until two days later and then it was only 2-3 texts (the check in?). In the mean time he’d been logged into the site where we met, so I stopped thinking it was depression keeping him quiet and maybe it was me. But I’m actually starting to wonder if he’s more like my ex than I initially thought and looking for his happiness in a woman more sympathetic than myself.

I feel like every time we move forward we end up three steps back because he acts funny. I don’t need another man who emotionally drains me with his issues but u also don’t want to be mean or not understanding.

What is a girl to do?
Age: 24
State: Ohio

It sounds like you need to work out whatever residual issues and feelings you may have for your Ex.

It’s possible that this guy is dropping his bait back in the OKCupid pond because he senses your ambivalence. He appears to be trying based on what you’ve shared. He doesn’t sound like he’s pressuring you to move too fast. He’s opening up to you. He’s making sincere effort. You might be getting so in your head about your Ex that you’re giving off mixed signals.

Compounding the confusion is how you are analyzing and interpreting the attention he shows. Maybe both of you are a little too far in your heads? Why not just try to go with it and see what happens? Maybe extend an invitation to him to go out? This place where you’re at now usually leads to one or both parties throwing their hands up and going off at the wrong time.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Is He Being Too Picky?

Posted: 28 Dec 2013 06:48 AM PST

Name: Matt

Comment: Here’s something I’ve run into multiple times and can’t quite figure out- Person A isn’t interested in Person B, so how is that any business of Person C?

Here’s the most recent example: at work, some of the guys have been bugging me about not going to the company holiday party after the New Year’s (apparently my repeated statements of disinterest haven’t quite hammered home the fact that I don’t want to go). Eventually, I said, “Hey, fix me up on a date with a girl I’d be interested in going to the party with, and I’ll go.”

They responded with, “How about Coworker X?” I responded with a “No”, and expected that to be that. Then they started in with the “Why nots” and “Is it because…?” and I’m just standing there thinking, “I expressed my disinterest, that should be the end of it.”

And if this were just the guys at work, that would be one thing. But it keeps happening with other people. One friend even asked me why I didn’t like another friend in front of the very person in question (which demonstrates a severe lack of tact and such, in my opinion).

What’s more confusing is that once, when someone rejected me, I asked why, and when I mentioned this to third parties, you’d think I’d kicked a puppy by their reaction. “Oh, you must NEVER ask why!” Why does the person being rejected have less of a right to know why than some third party who really has no stake in the matter in the first place?
Age: 35
City: Drexel Hill
State: PA

I think what really annoys you is that the people that your co-workers suggest as possible dates are, in your mind, beneath you. You’re offended at their suggestions, and more offended that they don’t naturally understand why you wouldn’t be attracted to their suggested date. Their inquiries make you feel as though they think you’re being too picky. Which in turn bothers you because nobody likes to be told they’re being too picky, as the underlying message is, “Uh, have you met yourself/looked in a mirror?”

You also feel annoyed because when you told your co-workers about that time you asked for feedback after being rejected, the reacted with horror. There’s a difference in the two scenarios. In the first scenario, an outside party is asking why you’re not interested and someone else. In the second scenario, you’re asking why someone wasn’t interested in you. The latter example puts the person you’re asking in a very uncomfortable spot. The former example doesn’t involve delivering any potentially sensitive feedback to the person you’re rejecting.

Maybe they’re asking why you didn’t like someone because they’re trying to hone in on what you do like. That’s a possibility. Or maybe they feel you’re being unnecessarily difficult . I mean, the idea that you’d only go to the office holiday party if you had a date is a little ridiculous, don’t you think? A lot of people dread those things, but they go because their company is shelling out money to say Thank You for all of their employee’s hard work. Attending is the appropriate thing to do unless you have another genuinely pressing engagement. At the very least, you don’t announce that you aren’t attending. It’s bad form. You maybe hedge around it or even lie. But you don’t brazenly admit that you can’t be bothered to attend unless you have a date. It really makes you look bad.

While there is always those one or two people who like to play Matchmaker, most people don’t open that door uninvited. My guess is that you make your dating difficulties known and they’re trying to help or hoping to get you matched up so you’ll stop complaining.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

How Does She Stop Being Attracted To Bad Boys?

Posted: 26 Dec 2013 06:35 AM PST

Name: Steph
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I love your advice. Do you have any advice for women who are perpetually interested in the wrong type of guys (i.e. bad boys, guys who just want sex, etc.)?

I really want to change my type. I am looking for a relationship, but I find that I am never interested in guys who would actually make good boyfriend material (nice guys who want to date me). Instead, I like “bad boys”.

Here’s my current situation (I find myself in this position a lot): I am currently seeing two guys (both via OKC). Let’s call them Guy A and Guy B. They are both in their early 30s, and I am 28. I have gone out on 4 dates so far with each of these guys. I view them as equals in many ways: equally handsome, equally interesting, equally good jobs, etc. The real difference is in their personalities and approach to dating me.

Guy A is aggressive and dominant. I am extremely [sexually] attracted to him. After I gave him my phone number through OKC, he kept trying to set up a same day meeting (texting me around 7pm/8pm on a weekday asking if I was free that night). I was never free that same night, so after his third attempt at this, I suggested we set something up a few days in the future, so we made plans to meet a few nights later for drinks. The date went well – we talked for a few hours, kissed goodbye, and parted ways. Our second date he tried to schedule just like the first (same day meeting for drinks), and I again told him I needed a few days notice. We had our second date (drinks again), and I slept with him after that (which was phenomenal). Our third and fourth dates he scheduled a day in advance, and they basically went the same way (drinks followed by sex). This guy will send me the occasional text between dates (mostly something boring like “what’s up” or “how’s work”), but we don’t have much between date communication otherwise. He’s also attempted to get me to see him late at night last minute (I acquiesced once – met up for a quick drink and then had sex with him; I said I was busy the other times as I was either exhausted or not in the mood).

I fully recognize that Guy A does not want anything serious with me. He just wants sex.

Guy B is more of a reserved (and a bit shy) guy. Our first date (drinks) he planned a week in advance. Our second through fourth dates (drinks, dinner, and a concert, respectively), he asked me out for at least several days in advance. We have some contact between dates which I really enjoy – he’ll strike up interesting conversations with me on timely news topics, send me funny videos or blogs, etc (way more substantive convos versus Guy A). I’ve made out with Guy B, but that’s it – he really hasn’t attempted anything else.

I legitimately, truthfully view Guy B as being just as handsome as Guy A (in fact, I think a lot of women would be partial to Guy B’s looks). But I am waaay more sexually attracted to Guy A because of his aggressive personality and (probably) because he doesn’t want anything from me besides sex. He’s impossible to get, and I like that. I think deep down, it’s my goal to reform a guy like Guy A – get him to commit to me. I want what is hard to get (Guy A). Guy B I believe is looking for a relationship and is interested in me, which inherently makes him less appealing to me.

I can intellectually understand my predicament here, but that doesn’t seem to have any effect on my heart – I still like Guy A way more.

Any advice for me? How can I change the type of guy I’m interested in?
Age: 29
City: New York
State: New York

It sounds like you answered your own question. You like guy A because the sex is great and because he’s unavailable. So the question isn’t why you like bad boys. The question is why you prefer unavailable guys. What is it about these guys that is so appealing to so many women? You hit on one key part of the attraction. You like the idea of being able to convert Guy A. Despite the fact that you know you probably won’t, you still hope against hope that you will. He’s a challenge. You like a challenge. That’s where you should start. Why do you like a guy who is a challenge?

From my experience, I pursued the unavailable guy because I needed to prove something to myself. I needed to convince myself that I possessed something that other women didn’t. All of it was rooted in low self-esteem and a need to compete with other women, of course. Neither of which ever ends well. Comparing yourself to other women will lead you down a very self-destructive path. You’ll never feel good enough. You will also fall into that trap of comparing someone else’s outsides to your insides. Boooooo. Being able to tame a bad boy comes with bragging rights. We like the idea of trotting this guy out and showing him off, because we think it says something about us and that it elevates us above our female peers.

You’re lukewarm about Guy B because you know you have him. There is no challenge. You will not convert him in any way. Which means you won’t get the twisted sense of pride and satisfaction that many of us get when we can lock down a guy who, up to that point, prefers to be untethered.

You need to determine why it’s so important to you to convert these unavailable men. It’s not the most fun of personal journeys, but I guarantee you it will result in you gaining a better insight into yourself and why you make the romantic choices you do. That’s where it all starts. It starts with you. But once you get through it – and you will – you’ll be a lot happier. You won’t feel like you’re giving something up for choosing the Guy B’s that we all meet.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Single During The Holidays?

Posted: 24 Dec 2013 05:50 AM PST

Just wanted to wish you all Happy Holidays. Thank you so much for being part of my life.

It’s a rough time of year for some single folks. I’m not ashamed to admit that this is the first holiday season in many years where I’ve actually felt the pangs of loneliness and isolation. It’s been a struggle this year, for sure. But things are looking up.

So, what are your plans for the holidays? New Year’s Eve?

Here’s something I wrote for Role/Reboot. I’m going to repost it here:

It's that time of year again. Over the next few weeks you'll be invited to parties or forced to socialize with people you can only barely tolerate once a year, let alone every day at work. A lot of single people feel a bit of trepidation about having to attend these gatherings and functions. Their greatest concern? Having to field questions about their love lives. Some of these inquiries come from well-meaning family members. Others come from socially inept noseybodies. Regardless of the source, just the thought of having to respond to these queries leaves them wanting to take off for Cancun for two weeks or feign influenza and stay home.

The idea of "single-shaming" has become a thing lately. I'm not sure I totally buy into this concept. My personal belief is that people who get offended by certain lines of questioning are struggling to reconcile their own feelings of being single. With that in mind, let's kick-off this list of tips for successfully getting through the holidays without bitch slapping anybody with this:

Be honest with yourself – Are you as comfortable being single as you think? It's perfectly okay to fake it 'til you make it, as they say. But be sure to acknowledge how you truly feel about not being in a relationship. Doing so will help alleviate the chances that you feel attacked or judged by common questions that arise at your typical holiday get together. It's okay to feel lonely or even sad. Allow yourself to feel however you want to feel. Just don't let yourself wallow.

Don't take it personally – Sometimes people don't know what to say when making conversation. A lot of people see dating as a safe topic. They have no idea what a hot button that can be for some singles. Other people, like maybe your parents or grandparents, just want you to be happy. They want to know you have someone to look after you. As old-fashioned and annoying as that might sound, remember that it's probably coming from a good place.

Take a step back from the internet – Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve there are a slew of articles declaring the holidays as some kind of war on single people. Don't take everything at face value. Yes, you might encounter that one person at that dinner or party who asks if you're dating anybody. You won't be put in a room and drilled with questions for hours on end. I happen to think that a big reason why the holidays have become so stressful for many single people is that we (and the internet) have made this into a bigger thing than it actually is.

Learn how to lie – You heard me correctly. Lying is your friend in situations like these. It doesn't have to be a masterfully crafted story. It just needs to be brief and not involve too many details.

Turn the question back on them – If you watch celebrity interviews, you can see how masterful some of them are at giving a brief answer and then re-directing the question back on the interviewer. Here's an example:

Q: Are you dating anyone?

A: I've had a couple of dates with someone, but I don't want to jinx it. You know how that is, right?

Here's another example:

Q: "So, let's catch up. Are you seeing anybody?"

A: "Yes/No. What about you?" Many people ask these questions as an excuse to talk about themselves. So give them one.

Now that we've covered how to navigate the potentially awkward conversation you might have, let's touch on how to get through the holidays solo. For some people, being single this time of year is a blessing. They don't have to suffer through awkward office Christmas parties standing by their partner's side. Nor are they forced under the microscope while attending dinner at their significant other's parent's house. Talk about stress.

But for others, the loneliness they sometimes feel gets exacerbated. They're assaulted with commercials depicting couples exchanging gifts. They can't log on to Facebook or Twitter without seeing update after update from coupled up folks chatting about engagements and dates and travel plans. It's almost impossible to totally avoid that slight twinge of jealousy or sadness when it seems like you're constantly being reminded that you're single.

I'll tell you a little secret that I've learned throughout my years of writing about dating. December is a fantastic time to be dating online. There are tons of people looking for someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve. That kind of extra motivation makes people a little more motivated and less flakey. Next time you're at home liking yet another photo of your friend's engagement ring that she has posted 3 separate times at 3 different angles, close that window and open a new one. Type in OKCupid.com and create a profile. At the very least, dating online will allow you to take some control and provide you with the chance to connect with other people. As much as you may want to self-isolate, don't allow yourself to do so for too long.

While you've got that browser open, do a search for networking groups in your area. Meetup.com is a great place to start. As someone who organizes events for singles I can tell you that December is our busiest time of year. Single people are more fired up than ever to get out there and mingle. Why not join them?

Not feeling it? That's okay. Sometimes it's wise to take some time for yourself and decompress. If that's the route you wish to choose, may I make one tiny suggestion? Watch "Love, Actually." Witnessing that little boy run through the airport as he tries to catch his crush before she leaves forever just so he can tell her how he feels gets me every time. Every single time. Here's a kid who has already suffered a profound loss when his mother dies earlier that year. Yet he still wants to risk that pain again by declaring his love for a girl he knows is going to leave. Think about that the next time you feel like curling up at home and giving up on dating forever. Oh, and then there’s this:

It's so tempting to shut down, especially during the holiday season. But it's important to maintain perspective. You are not the only single person on the planet at that given moment. I know it feels like that's the case, but it's not. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. It's just a few weeks. You'll get through it.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Why is Online Dating So Full of Faders & Ghosts?

Posted: 22 Dec 2013 01:17 PM PST

Name: Carmi
Comment: So I joined OkCupid in hopes of finding someone who shared the same interests and ideals as I do. I gave up with dating in the real world as I had endured so many terrible guys and experiences, and so my friends suggested to check it out online as a couple of them have had successful relationship from online dating.

So I finally got the balls to go ahead and create a profile with a picture included and a pretty full profile for my potential suitors to read. Within a day there had been good and bad (but mainly bad)suitors messaging me. Then came along this one guy- we had a great match percentage and he introduced himself in a way that included my interests (not to mention he was easy on the eyes).

We engaged in messaging back and forth for about two weeks, our messages had become like mini essays and he always responded the same day.
On our last correspondence he asked for my number as he wanted to talk more regularly. He also left me really lovely compliments and I was pretty sure he seemed like a great guy that I would be more than happy to meet up with as we had learnt so much about each other. Due to work, I was unable to reply the same day and didn’t get round to it until the evening after. I gave my details and waited like a lost puppy dog for him to get in contact.

It’s been a month and I have heard nothing from him.

I just want to understand why exactly? I never got in contact with him again as I felt foolish. I am just really confused; he initiated the messages with me, he asked for my number to talk to me more regularly. I just responded and then he stopped cold and was never heard from again. Any insight and perspective into this would be greatly appreciated as I can’t help but wonder why?
Many thanks in advance
Age: 23
City: London
State: Chelsea

Let’s back up a bit. Here’s a question for you:

Does it make sense that this guy who appeared to invest so much effort into communicating with you would suddenly, out of the blue, just lose interest?

Probably not, right?

So either one of two things happened. Either he felt you were hesitant because of the delay in your response OR he was never that interested in the first place. One way to find out is to reach out to him and try to reconnect. If he doesn’t reply, then you know which option I just gave best fits this scenario.

I’m starting to sound a bit like a broken record with some of these points. Someone who engages in weeks worth of chats with no attempt to meet offline is a likely Fade/Flake candidate.

It is very tempting to stick with the electronic relationship. It’s free attention and requires very little risk. It’s also nice to think that there is someone out there thinking about you. Everybody likes to feel like they matter to someone. Receiving those messages and hearing the compliments can fill a certain void that a lot of single men and women feel. The problem with that is that you become reliant upon it. You convince yourself that whatever it is that you and the person on the other end of the internet connection is special and real. In most cases, it’s not. It’s just a way for someone to pass the time or have some kind of girlfriend/boyfriend experience.

The other problem that occurs is that people develop such a feeling of familiarity with their pen pal that they fear that maybe they will be rejected once they take things off line. They put off meeting face to face because they’re scared the reality won’t match the fantasy.

I always bristle when I hear these stories of people meeting someone online and carrying on some kind of e-love affair complete with verbose emails and compliments. Maybe I’m a cynic, but I just don’t feel that kind of interest from someone I’ve never met is genuine or healthy. There’s something off about it to me. I would wonder why would someone I’ve never met seem this interested. I would also question why it took someone two weeks, after several days of messages, to get on the phone. This guy, to me, sounds like he just wasn’t capable or comfortable with taking things to the next level. If he feels that way about speaking on the phone, then imagine the difficulty involved with getting him to meet you in person.

The Fade is a staple of online dating. It sucks and it’s confusing and disheartening, but anybody utilizing a dating site in the hopes of meeting someone special has to get used to it. We’ve covered the reasons why people fade before. Either they’re putting off meeting you because they fear rejection or they were never all that invested from the beginning.

People who want to meet people do just that. They don’t sit online. They make plans to meet. Keep at it, but move to meeting up in person much sooner. Don’t spend weeks communicating via email or text. The longer you wait, the less likely you will actually meet.

Friday, December 20, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

You Might End Up Alone..Or Maybe You Won’t

Posted: 20 Dec 2013 02:09 PM PST

Name: Chloe

Comment: Hey Moxie,

This isn’t a comment or question for the website but a great big thank you!!!

I discovered your site back in August when I was in the throws of online dating, both Match and Oasis. I was having what I thought was a ‘bad’ time online dating and was finding the whole thing confusing, frustrating and soul destroying. I did have a question posted and your advice was bang on, although at the time I didn’t really take it and continued to message the guy, to no avail.

My best friend had always encouraged me to look for the ‘fireworks’. I was with someone when I met her and she made me see that I was only really with him because I was too scared to be alone (a common problem). She always talked to me in chlichés ‘You’ll just know when you meet him’, ‘Your eyes will meet across a crowded room’, ‘When you find him your tummy will flip’ etc etc

I divorced the love of my life 5 years ago and never believed I could feel that way again, so I accepted my ‘He’ll do’ guy, because I thought that was as much as I could expect.

I was single for nearly a year before I threw myself into the dating scene at the start of this year, I had some good/bad/crazy/boring/weird experiences and was at an all time low when I discovered your website.

You and the people who comment on your site encouraged me, or should I say convinced me to give up! The stories made me realise that online dating, although in rare cases which are successful, is not really a way to meet ‘the one’. It’s a way to grow your confidence, learn about yourself, find out what you are not willing to put up with and explore the opposite sex. But not a way to find the right partner.

I remember one story in particular ‘You might end up alone, and that’s ok too’. It really did make me realise that it’s ok to just be me, to live my life without the expectation of ‘meeting someone’. It made me look at my little boy and realise that our lives aren’t on hold, we are not waiting to get started, we are started, this is our life with or without me finding someone. For that I thank you.

The day after I proclaimed to my Mum that I was ‘over it’ and that I had accepted that I might never meet someone, and that I was happy with that (this took me a month after reading your article) I was out with my family at a party and this guy walked across the room and smiled at me, and Moxie I swear my tummy flipped, I had the fireworks, the orchestra, the sweaty palms, the whole nine yards! Every cliche my friend had told me!

We have been together for 3 months now (early days I know) but I still get that crazy feeling when I see him. He’s smart, he’s funny…but he’s short, chunky and bald (every box I didn’t tick on the Match profile options lol)

As heady as this feeling is, and I am looking forward to some romantic times over Christmas, what I really wanted to thank you for is the knowledge that if it doesn’t all work out I’ll be fine, if he turns out to be a douche I’ll live, if he isn’t the one it doesn’t matter, I am the one and only I can make me happy. I like making him happy, but I now get that a man does not have to be the be all and end all of my life.

Thank You

Chloe xxx
Age: 35
City: London
State: UK

This is fantastic news and a great early Christmas gift. I’m very happy for you.

In other news, I started therapy this week. It was eye-opening, for sure.

It had been a long time since I'd been to therapy. With everything that had happened this year I knew I had to go back. I filled out all the required paperwork and handed the doctor back his clip board.

"So, on the phone you said you were a writer. What do you write about?"

"Dating" I said.

"Oh really? What sort of stuff do you write?"

"Uh, you know. Personal memoir, op-ed type stuff. I also write an advice column."

"A column? Is it a weekly thing? What's it called?"

"And That's Why You're Single" I replied.

He let out a laugh. "Actually, some of my clients have mentioned your column."

"Oh."

Awkward.

I was dating a psychiatrist at one point this fall/winter and asked him if that should concern me. He said no, that it would only be a problem if you and he had someone in common. I’m still feeling him out, so we’ll see. The last therapist that was referred to me ended up being one of my Facebook friends, so this doesn’t seem weird to me. But still, I have to see how the next couple sessions go.