Attract Girls Now: November 2013

Saturday, November 30, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

The Savvy Dater: Don’t Bother Telling Them Off. They Don’t Care.

Posted: 30 Nov 2013 02:16 PM PST

Right after my sister died, I reached out to a friend, P. P. and I met on OKC a few years back. At the time he was living with his Dad in his Park LIVEHAPPY Avenue apartment having recently broken up with his girlfriend and was “in between” places. That was something I learned on the date. In emails he said he lived on the UES. Once he clarified this bit of information I knew right then that this guy was not dating material. But he was enjoyable and, because he was “an actor” (read: unemployed), he had a flexible schedule and was around to grab drinks during the day.

I reached out to him a few days after my sister had died asking to meet for drinks. We made plans for the next day. The next day comes around and I get an email from him. He was running errands and had to be somewhere at 7, but he could come over at 4:30. He only had about an hour, he said. He then suggested we do the next day because he had his whole afternoon and evening free. I told him he could swing by at 4:30 even if he only had an hour. 4:15 comes around and he sends a text saying he’s going to be delayed another 20 minutes and wouldn’t be able to get to my place til 5 and then he’d have to turn around and leave in order to meet his friends across town. He asked if we could postphone until the next day. “Please don’t be mad” he said. “I want to be able to be there for you and don’t want to be rushed.” I had sent him the angry email from my nephew and told him I had been left out of my sister’s obituary, so he knew I was upset.

I replied and told him the next day would work. “Please don’t blow me off” I said. He said he’d shoot me a message early afternoon.

That message never came. I followed up with an email asking if we were still getting together. No response.

I’ve always known exactly who P. was. He was an UES rich kid who has floundered around, always with a story about some project he was working on or audition he had. He was masterful at cultivating a support system of people who always managed to buy his schtick. He never appeared to have a job, yet always managed to have cigarettes and a gym membership and could afford to go out a few times a week. Having a sister who exhibited the same behavior, I knew he was mostly full of shit and that he was likely telling people a sob story and they’d throw him some cash. But, as the saying goes, I took the good and left the rest. (Though I never gave him money.) He wasn’t a malicious person, nor did he steal or intentionally try to hurt people. He’s just someone who has never been forced to be responsible for anything.

In any case, I saw a status update from him in my Facebook feed the next day. He was asking people to remember his deceased mother who had passed a few years earlier. “Go do something nice for someone in memory of her” he suggested.

I rolled my eyes and closed the page. The next day another update appeared. He was wondering aloud what to do for Thanksgiving. I think he was hoping someone would invite him somewhere. I wrote a comment on his update that said, “I know. Why don’t you make plans with a long time friend who just loss a family member and then blow them off and not even apologize for it. You’re good at that.” The comment stayed up mere seconds before it was deleted. Normally I’m very good at curbing my angry impulses, especially publicly. But in that moment I was just so disgusted at how insincere he seemed. My only choice was to suck it up and take the slight, something I feel like I’ve been doing over and over again for the past year and a half.

I debated whether or not to confront him and tell him how I felt. I decided against it because I knew I’d have to listen to a story about his insomnia or an interview or how his Dad was sick. It was always something with him. Worse, it was never his fault.

The moral of the story? I suppose it’s that some people just don’t care if they hurt you. Or they feel like they can get away with it because you’ve let them do it before. You can lash out of them or tell them off, but it really doesn’t do any good. They’ll either offer a hollow apology or they will turn the tables. Neither will leave you feeling acknowledged or vindicated for long. Some people don’t care. Others, like P., don’t care enough. That’s the true rub. They might lend an ear when you need it, but you will never take priority in any capacity. They also don’t have the grit it takes to admit that they did something wrong.

There are so many people like P. on dating sites. The actors, the stand up comics, the writers. They mention all of their important projects in their profile in the hopes of conveying a level of success they don’t really have. They’re lives are completely topsy turvy, and yet there they are out there dating. I told the story a while back of meeting the guy on OKC who said he lived in Brooklyn, but who turned out actually to live with his parents in Massachusetts. I connected the dots before our third date when he asked, before we even met up, if he could stay over. That seemed odd to me given we hadn’t slept together yet so I asked why. He said, wait for it, that he had always had a fantasy of being woken up by a woman giving him head. Um, what? Dude, you’re 40. You haven’t made that a reality? Something’s off. I asked him point blank about his living situation and then he admitted the real story. I cancelled the date and never saw him again. OKCupid Hobos are real, y’all. No doubt that guy had a nice roster of women in Manhattan that provided him with a place to sleep. No way was I going to be one of them. I’m funny about stuff like that. For my friends, I’m happy to help any way I can. But with guys I’m casually dating? Nope. Earn your keep, bubba. Work and pay your bills like the rest of us.

Nothing rings more false than an apology you had to chase. It’s like texting back and forth with someone who never suggests you meet, and then you ask them out and they accept. If you have to do that, if you have to take the initiative and put it out there after all that time invested, how interested could they be?

If you have to force someone to acknowledge your hurt, how much could they possibly care in the first place?

Thursday, November 28, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

What Do Men Really Want?

Posted: 28 Nov 2013 06:33 AM PST

Name: Kelly
Comment: Just curious about your thoughts on something. I’m single, no kids. I have been married before but divorced awhile, had two long-term relationships since. I have been lucky to have lived in both Los Angeles and NYC, as well as traveled to many places all over the world. I consider myself savvy and sophisticated, but still funny and accessible. I am wondering, though, about how men receive my “story.” I’ve read here and other places that men want and need a woman to have some vulnerability. I have that but it’s underneath and you have to get to know me first. When I talk about my life experiences, is it signaling I don’t need a man? Or do I just say f##k it and be myself and the right fit will come along eventually.
Age: 45
City: Atlanta
State: GA

I’m not sure how your story translates as not being vulnerable. Okay, so you’ve lived in some major metropolitan cities and are well traveled. And? How is that unique or special? The point I’m making is that being cultured and independent isn’t really a turn off. It sounds to me like that’s your narrative. As I’ve said before, people who self-identify in certain ways usually lack self-awareness. So, you might think you’re savvy and sophisticated, but it’s possible that men see you as stuck-up and pretentious. The fact that you think you even have a “story” is telling. It hints at the possibility that you see yourself as a character, not a person.

The notion of a single woman with a tough outer shell and only the right guy can break through it is a fantasy created by Lifetime movies. It’s a cliche. Take it from me, as someone who has constantly been told how “tough” and “strong” she is, that woman is not attractive to men. Strangers do not wish to work overtime trying to soften up or tear down some emotional wall. That just doesn’t happen.Viewing our softer side or our vulnerability as some prize that needs to be earned is the problem. It’s not a compromise of your integrity to just be nice and fun and easy to be with.

When people comment that I seem “no nonsense” and “self-sufficient” that’s code for abrasive and intolerant. I have a strong personality. Any man I date has to have a backbone. But that doesn’t mean that men who don’t want to date me are weak or don’t get me. Men are not deterred by a self-sufficient woman. They are turned off by a woman who doesn’t appear capable of letting them in. We’re too much work. There are times I have to shut my mouth and bite my tongue. I don’t wait for men to earn points before I show them my softer side. I make a concerted effort to do that right away because I know I have to, as it doesn’t come out naturally.

Sure, you can stay as is and cross your fingers that the right guy will come along. Maybe he’ll be played by Eddie Cibrian or Dean Cain. Or you could make a concerted effort to seem more vulnerable and available.

Or do I just say f##k it and be myself and the right fit will come along eventually

This is another myth we’ve been told over and over that we have come to take as fact. There is no such thing as someone just coming along. Especially at our age. At our age, we have to put in the work. The real question isn’t whether or not you need a man in your life, but rather do you want a man in your life. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t. Walking around seeing yourself as some heroine in a rom com is a waste of time for all involved.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

QUICKIE – While You’re Waiting To Have Sex With Him, He’s Sleeping With Someone Else

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 06:14 AM PST

Name: Eliza romance

Comment: I am 28 years old and a virgin. I have been ‘seeing’ this guy for about a month and he has been really wonderful. He knows I am a virgin and waiting for marriage. He has been truly proving himself to me and is always open about things, like if his ex calls or where he is going and so forth. He got frustrated with me because I wasn’t being open about my emotions with him, I was sort of guarded. He got mad an hung up. We talked it out the next day and I told him I would try harder to be more open and we become an official couple. He had told me he loved me prior to all of this! Anyway, a week later his ex shows up at his house and tells me he and her slept together and he told her I was a virgin. He confesses to me that the night he him up (the night before we were official but after he said I love you) he got drunk and went to her house and did sleep with her. He said he was so sorry and was crying. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Is it possible he made a terrible decision or is he careless? I don’t know why a man who didn’t care would act like he did especially knowin the sexual relationship isn’t going to happen. Any thoughts?
Age: 28
City: Jacksonville
State: Fl

Brutal honesty? He most likely committed to you and was so open and told you he loved you after dating you ” about a month” (translations: 2-3 weeks) in the hopes that you’d sleep with him. When you didn’t, he slept with his ex. Now he’s caught and is trying to save face. Yes, he might truly care for you, but he clearly wants to be with someone who will have sex with him. That’s not you. I would throw this one back.

This is the most likely scenario in a situation where a guy who wants sex is dating a woman who doesn’t, be it because she’s a virgin or because “she wants to wait until she’s comfortable.” If he wants sex, he’s going to have it. He’s not waiting for you. He might say that he is, but unless you’re stapled to his forehead and with him 24 hours a day, you have no idea what he is or isn’t doing. Had this guy’s ex not disclosed the fact that she slept with this guy, the OP would have never known otherwise. So don’t kid yourself into thinking that your guy is so wrapped around your finger that he’s going without until he can be with you. He’s probably not. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex with him before you’re ready. It just means that you shouldn’t lull yourself into a false sense of security. Better for you to be honest and realistic about a situation liek this than to delude yourself.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Stop Trying To Scare People From Dating Online

Posted: 26 Nov 2013 06:17 AM PST

I’ve read a number of articles lately that discuss whether or not to give your phone number out to someone you meet online. As usual, my head onlinedatinganon exploded because of all the special snowflaking and Stranger Dangering.

It’s very easy to get caught up in all of the warnings and horror stories. But it’s important to take all of the bad things and complaints you hear with a grain of salt. More often than not, the people complaining either aren’t telling the whole story, are trying to brag or have some pretty serious emotional or psychological issues. For example, I was reading a comment over at xoJane recently that was written in response to these helpful online dating safety tips.

In the comments, a woman shared that she asks all of the men she meets online to take a picture of their driver’s license and send it to her before she agrees to meet them. When I asked how many of the men obliged her request she said, “Every. single. one.” Let’s suspend our disbelief for a moment and assume this is the truth. How desperate do you think these men must be to open themselves up to possible stalking? Because, like, men get stalked too. (Though, let’s be honest, women are far more at risk when it comes to possible physical harm.) If someone were to ask you for such private information – someone you’ve never met – would you do it? Probably not. But it sure makes you sound in demand and special to say that everybody bends to your whim, doesn’t it? Exactly. If someone I met online asked me for such information, I would immediately categorize them as shady or exceptionally paranoid. Sorry not sorry, but I’m not interested in playing nursemaid to someone.

Then there’s this woman who is weirdly proud of the fact that she “tricks” men into giving her their license. Apparently she creates a fake license with a fake identity so that she can give it to them in order to get them to show her theirs. Then she runs to the bathroom and copies down all their info and rushes home to do a background check. Because that’s what normal, stable people do, amirite?

The majority of the Chicken Littles who run around warning everybody about online dating safety and share their scary stories and offer “helpful tips” on how to avoid “the creeps” fall into these categories:

1. The have no luck dating online - The author of this article repeatedly writes about her bad luck trying to date online. She even wrote the cliched piece about how she’s taking a break from online dating because she’s just so fatigued by all the douchebags she meets. That, in and of itself, should be considered a red flag. Sorry, but online dating just isn’t as hard as she has depicted. It’s not. There’s something going on with her that is getting in the way. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that it goes beyond bad luck.

2. They don’t know their audience – We’ve talked before about all the Google Pros who dig 8 pages deep in the search results because “something wasn’t right” about their date. All you need to know is that something isn’t right. You don’t need to know what it is. I would guess in the majority of those cases, those people were batting spectacularly out of their league. That, more than anything else, is what has triggered that person’s suspicions. Why is this person interested in me? Yes, why is that person interested in you? That’s what you need to determine in order to break the cycle. What are these people seeing in you that makes them think they can get one past you? Trust your judgment and listen to it.

2. They are manipulating the facts – This author is constantly telling people how to avoid all the catfishes and creeps and guys just looking for sex, yet seems to consistently find herself involved with them. It’s fun to write about all the people you reject because it makes you sound so worldly and desirable, but eventually people catch on and realize that maybe they aren’t getting the whole story.

3. They have bad judgment/bad taste in the opposite sex - Oh, so you have kids at home and you still chose to ignore all of the red flags that the guy from hundreds of miles away exhibited? Okay. Yeah. He’s the only bad guy.

4. They’re atypically paranoid, possibly unwell, or hiding something themselves- It’s always smart to be cautious, but taking it to extremes indicates deeper issues. As I have always said, if somebody wants to find or contact you, they will. That’s why I don’t bother taking extreme measures to make myself impossible to find. Somebody who does that does that for a reason, and it isn’t security. As I mentioned to the author of this article, who said that she writes online under an alias but posts photos of herself, there’s no hiding anymore for anybody. Not sure what she thinks she’s accomplishing by being so mysterious with her photos and pen names, but it all adds up to me thinking she’s hiding something. Ironic, right? But that’s what happens when people encounter someone who seem so risk averse that they create obstacles in order to prevent people from knowing who they are. Burner phones and anonymous email addresses and fake licenses all scream paranoid/unstable or special snowflake to me. There are always going to be those rare bad apples that make a nuisance of themselves. Welcome to the internet circa 2013. Thinking you can avoid them completely or that you can keep your true identity shrouded in a cloak of mystery (especially if you write online) is naive, annoying and a little unsettling in today’s day and age.

What the majority of these people really want to do is scare you from trying to meet someone online. Don’t listen to them. Learn to trust your own judgment, take the necessary precautions like meeting in a public place, know your audience and options, and you’ll be okay.

Monday, November 25, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

I Think My Head Is Caving In

Posted: 25 Nov 2013 07:51 AM PST

Friday was my sister’s funeral. nope

I did not attend. I was not allowed in. I was also intentionally left out of the obituary and not listed as one of her sisters. I’ve received a steady stream of hateful texts and messages from her children. So many that I ended up blocking all of them on Facebook. Which, if you’re along time reader, you know I hate doing.

It’s been an incredibly draining last few days. People have popped out of the woodwork to express their condolences. Some were welcome, some weren’t. I imagine there are others who skulk around here in some warped desire to keep up with my life, looking for that moment of vulnerability to use as a way to mend a fence.

I sit here desperately trying to write and I’m coming up with nothing. I have my Spotify playing in the background, hoping for some inspiration. One song seemed to nail how I feel.

She said I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved
By a hand that’s touched me, well I feel like something’s
Gonna give
And I’m a little bit angry – Push, Matchbox Twenty

I think my head is caving in. That’s an apt description of how I feel as I sit here staring at my screen. I slept almost 11 hours last night, rising at 9am instead of my usual 6am. For the most part I have dealt with everything going on with my family by internalizing it. That would explain the fatigue. At first I thought my loss of appetite was just a result of me becoming more disciplined with my eating habits. But last week I was eating something and realized that I was forcing myself to digest it. If the food has savor or taste, I didn’t notice. I go about my days as though everything is normal, but something has switched off. I can sense it.

I know I’ve taken a series of hits these past 18 months. I managed to move past all of them. I think that was largely due to the fact that I had kept my family at arm’s length. But the last 6 months or so have been some of the most exhausting that I’ve ever experienced. And I know it’s because I’ve immersed myself in the dynamic that is my family. The dysfunctional, expectation and obligation riddled dynamic. I was so much happier when they were there and I was here and we occasionally spoke about nothing all that important. I check in with one sister now and every conversation leads to an argument about the condo where she lives and how her bills are going to be paid. It’s never, “Hey, how are you?” There’s always an angle, and it almost always leads to me having to okay a withdrawal from the account I had set up for her at home. Her condo is part of the probate estate. A few weeks ago my sisters and I became owners and are now on the deed. But one sister and I want off of the deed. It’s too big of a financial risk, and we know that as long as our names are on it, we will be forced to maintain and pay for the property or risk a hit to our own credit and financial security. We want to sell it and set my sister up somewhere else with some of the proceeds of the sale. And, of course, split the rest. I could take my name off the deed and be done with it. Sadly, I don’t trust that my rights will be protected should we ever sell it and my name isn’t on the deed.

My 25 year old niece rather gleefully sent me a text telling me she intentionally left me out of my sister’s obituary. That didn’t really bother me, as I knew simply because I’m an adult that a decision like that would only put the spotlight on her and make her look petty and vindictive.

You fucking sicken me. Go give dating advice, meanwhile be alone and without any family.You must be doing the family name proud giving dick sucking lessons you fucking mess.Don’t you dare show that face around us EVER again.Must feel great knowing not a single person your “family” will be at your funeral. Now go be alone.

That came from my nephew. The backstory is that my sister who passed bought a house from my father. For cheap. Really cheap. He drew up a promissory note stipulating that she pay X amount every month until the modest balance was paid. He cut that amount in half sometime around his death but never adjusted the note. What she didn’t understand was that my father drew up the note in such a way so that his share of the note/money didn’t default to his wife upon his death, also on the note. Since it was unassigned at the time of his death, his share went to us. My step-brothers very graciously turned over their share to us, leaving us as full owners of the note. We wanted it paid. (It was less than 100K) She insisted my father told her that she didn’t have to pay the balance once he and my step-mother had passed.We didn’t have that in writing. All we had was the note. Only one other sister and I spoke up and said she should pay the note, and pay it in full so that this didn’t drag on for the 10 or so years she had left in payments. Accusations about greed were tossed around. We tried to explain that a) nobody wanted to play banker for my sister and b) like it or not, she agreed to pay X amount for the house. It was a pretty valuable asset (at the time of sale it was worth close to a million dollars) and my father turned it over to her for less than 200K. It’s my belief that my Dad drafted the note the way he did to ensure, in the event of his death, his share went to his daughters and not my step-mother, who might turn around and leave it all to her sons.

My father was a brilliant and self-less man. Nobody can wrap their brains around how he could have not written a will. But as time goes on and I learn more and more secrets, I get it. He was torn between wanting to support his daughters and caring for (and possibly not trusting) his ill wife. I believe in my heart that my father would have set up a trust so that my sister in the condo he owned could live there for the rest of her life. But to do that he would have to take money that his wife may need to live. He played the odds and he lost.

As I said to Mandy over at XOJane the other day when she wrote about getting into a fight with her Mom for something she wrote, I struggled with the idea of discussing this stuff publicly. I know I have one sister who might be reading this. She keeps telling me to write “Godly” pieces. That means I shouldn’t write about sex. (Though she did encourage me to write about this particular situation.)

I feel incredibly stifled. And monitored, something else long time readers know I hate. I was asked to write for another site where the content mostly revolves around sex. I pulled my initial piece because I felt paranoid. I don’t need my sister reading that and calling me and asking why I would write something like that. She constantly asks me to meet her in CT or come home and I just don’t want to. And no matter how many times I say this, she still asks. My family sucks at respecting boundaries.

Okay. Back to work.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

He’s a 33 Year Old Virgin. Now What?

Posted: 24 Nov 2013 02:58 PM PST

Name: jp howtoknowifaguyismarriagematerial
:
Comment: Moxie,

I have been following your blog for a while and think it’s great. I have a question that may have been addressed in other articles but I am pretty sure that it has not come up yet.

I am a 33 year old MALE virgin. I put that in bold because I think there is a fundamentally different dynamic between how the genders are treated when it comes to the V card issue. As you can imagine I do not bring up this issue until the dates are fairly advanced along (4th or 5th date). So far, I have met a mixture of surprise, derision, scorn, pity, and incredulity from women. Universally there is rejection.

Here’s the thing. I do not tick any of the stereotypical boxes -e.g. religious fundamentalist, sexually abused, getting therapy, insular ethnic culture, language barrier,formerly imprisoned, low testosterone drive, etc. Instead I am religiously agnostic and grew up in a normal 2 parent family home. I was a late bloomer physically (for example did not start shaving until 19) and spent my 20s and early 30s throwing myself into school, sports, and building a career working 60-80 hour weeks. Money is important b/c of family members’ mounting medical bills and I am expected to be the main provider.

Now, I own a large condo apartment in Manhattan in a nice neighborhood , have a high 5 figure job in a growing field, work out several times a week (to the point of being a gym rat), etc. I regularly get introduced to women by co-workers and female friends trying to set me up who all say I’m a “catch.” When I do go out with female company – either business affairs or group casual – there’s a lot of light flirtation and sometimes they will give me their business cards with their cell phone number written on the back. But when things progress to more intimate settings I become not as confident and I guess it shows.

To be fair, I understand where the women are coming from. It is awkward and puts a lot of pressure on them to be “the one” especially in a culture where the man is expected to take the lead in everything or alternately they fear me turning clingy and co-dependent. I have thought about getting an escort but ultimately shelved the idea b/c that’s not how I envisaged my first. Perhaps pursuing an older lady (40+)? I am not sure. Thoughts welcome.
Age: 33
City: new york city (manhattan)
State: ny

Ok, so here’s my suggestion. I eagerly await the moral high-grounders response to this.

Lie your god damn face off.

Find someone online who interests you and just get your first time over with. Enough with the whole “I want my first time to be special” thing. Those days are long gone and well behind you. Sure, it makes you sound nice and sweet and respectful, but please. You’re 33 years old. You’re not some teenager up in their room day dreaming of what their first time will be like while reading some young adult romance novel. It is this line of thinking that has led you to be a virgin at your age. You’ve waited so long that you have analysis paralysis.

Yep, it’ll probably be nerve wracking and maybe even a little awkward, but you have to get over this hurdle. If you climax quickly or get nervous you can say you’re stressed out. The woman isn’t going to know the difference. In fact I bet a lot of women will be relieved because it means you can lie there and cuddle and talk. Once the refractory period has passed, you can try again, and this time will be a lot better. I promise. Just get that first time over with. Believe me when I tell you that the first time with a new partner, whether it’s your honest to God first sexual experience or first experience with that person, is nerve wracking and sometimes awkward and even unsatisfying. You have to find your groove with someone new. It’s rarely ever like what you see in movies.

There’s no need to reveal this to anyone you’re not dating seriously. I know that many people will advocate for telling women the truth because the truth will bring you closer, etc etc. Yeah. Okay. Adorable. The more likely scenario is that you’ll tell them and they’ll wonder if you’re gay or have hang-ups. That’s why you shouldn’t say anything. You don’t have to outright lie, just do what you can to avoid telling the truth. If she brings up the topic of partner count, tell her you don’t feel that that’s something relevant and that you’re disease free. You can even say something like, “Less than 20.” It’s true! Then get it in there. When the time is right and you feel you and the woman you’re dating are really on solid ground, then you can tell her. But before that? Keep that shit to yourself.

Friday, November 22, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

The Quickie – Maybe You’re Just Attracted to Douchebags?

Posted: 22 Nov 2013 06:03 AM PST

Name: Julia
Comment: Hello Moxie,

July 2011 I met a man, 46, who had been married once to his H.S. sweetheart and divorced (same story; I was married 11 years, then divorced). He was a gentleman. Very nice. The relationship formed slowly. After 3 months or so, we became exclusive. We enjoy the same recreation, tv shows, movies, sports, and we both love dogs…he’s playful and good with my two little dogs. (Neither of us have children). We have a similar sense of humor, so the playful banter is fun. I asked him about his past relationships to get an idea of where he’s been and what he seeks, but he said that he’s a private person who does not talk about past relationships. In another 3 months I moved into his house because my apartment lease was up and it made sense; I was always schlepping to his home with two little dogs and luggage. He paid for us to visit his family in another state. Everything was wonderful. And then, the ugliness began. He travels a lot on business. He became increasingly concerned about where I was when out with women friends (which was once or twice a week for dinner). He complained about my guy Facebook friends “liking” my posts. He stopped wanting to go out with my friends or other couples and would complain about them. I enjoy 1-2 glasses of wine in the evening maybe 3 times weekly; he started accusing me of having a drinking problem. He drinks beer at about the same rate, so that was perplexing. I’m a super-productive, addiction-free career woman–most of time is spent working. His behavior was controlling, in my opinion, so I discussed it with him, and that resulted in many loud arguments which ended with him feeling attacked. I also had this female intuition that something was wrong. Strong. I did something awful–I looked in his phone and found “I miss you very much” texted to a woman. I asked him about it. He flew into a rage that I looked into his phone. He denied she was anything but a friend. I moved out. From there started the cycle that has continued ever since: we are drawn together like magnets. For me, I miss the wonderful, funny moments we share. We reconcile and he insists we are exclusive, then we break up. He breaks up with me, usually, because whenever we talk about any issue he feels attacked. We just reconciled two weeks ago after our longest break up because he wept and said that he really misses me and wants us to make the relationship work because he’d like us to marry eventually. He is pressuring me to be exclusive. I’ve refused, because what happens is we’re exclusive, he expects me to stay at his house instead of him coming to my apartment (which is not happening anymore) and, in my opinion, he expects me to bend over backwards for him until he has another hissy fit and breaks up with me. I do not understand how this man can say “I love you” when he breaks up with me every couple of months. I don’t know if he is manipulating me, or if we’re both just crazy people. I love him, truly, but I am at my wits end. I do not want the cycle to continue into 2014. What are your thoughts? Thank you.
Age: 43
City: Atlanta
State: Georgia

Thoughts?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

How Do You Get More People To Notice/Respond To Your Dating Profile?

Posted: 21 Nov 2013 07:23 AM PST

Name: Dori
:
Comment: Desperate or Practical?

Dear Moxie,

A quick question, which hopefully is relevant to some of your readers.

I decided to try creating a profile on match.com

They offer two options: regular and deluxe. The price difference is negligible and deluxe option offers various nice features, but one of these features was a bit disconcerting. Deluxe members have profiles with green background, which is supposed to increase visibility. But… would not I come across as desperate? On OKCupid there is (I think) no distinction between paid and unpaid members. What would you advise?
Age: 42
City: Suburbia
State: MA

Personally, I don’t think people really notice the highlighted profiles. During my recent stint on Match, I can say that I don’t recall coming across many profiles that appeared to have a green background. And while I might have recognized what the different colored background signified, I’m not so sure that other people would. You could choose this option, but I honestly don’t feel it would make a difference in your user experience.

The one thing that will compel someone to click on your profile when they’re doing a search is your primary photo. The picture below is the thumbnail version of my primary photo. This is what people see when my profile comes up in a a search. Why do they click on it? Because I’m standing in front of a white curtain wearing a black dress. The picture, because of how the curves of my body pop due to the background, draws people’s focus.

You want your primary photo to stand out. Here are some ways to do that:

Get a professional to take a few head shots. – I know that I’ve said in the past that having professional shots is a no-no. But now that more and more photographers like the one I used take photos specifically for online dating profiles (and even use these sites themselves), I don’t think one or even two professional shots can hurt. The goal is to get people to click on your profile when they do a search. That’s why a great primary shot is crucial. They just can’t be the only photos you use. You’ll need to compensate for the glamor shots by posting an additional 3 or so candid photos. I keep the shot of me in the pink top to show what my hair can actually look like when not blown out. See how the lighting seems off and how the picture quality varies from the others?? That’s one way to tell that a photo is over 2-3 years old.

okc4 okc5 okc3 okc6

Make your primary photo a clear shot of your face/head. – Your primary photo should not be one taken of you at a distance. If someone can’t see your face, they’re going to pass by your profile. Your head should not be turned at an angle. It needs to be a straight on shot of your face. You want people to have a good idea of what you will look like up close.

Smile. - A tight lipped smile will immediately ring warning bells for me. Teeth are very important to people, so make sure to show them that you aren’t hiding a mouth full of crooked or discolored teeth.

Your face/head should not be obscured in any way. - That means no hats, no sunglasses, you bars across your eyes, no cropped shots, etc. Honest to God, if you’re too afraid to post your face on a dating site, stay home. You people are way more trouble than you’re worth. And guys? Stop taking pictures of yourself lying on your bed or driving your car. Sheesh.

Do not use photos where you’re posing with other people. – Not for your primary photo, at least. I don’t want to have to guess who you are and end up disappointed. Nor do I want to think you’re trying way too hard by posing with some buxom brunette that you never in a million years. Nor do you want men to see that photo and think you’re the least attractive of your social circle. You do not want to distract the viewer. You want them, for just a few seconds, to think there’s nobody else to consider.

No gym shots. – I suppose there are some people out there who appreciate a good bicep. I’m just not one of them. You end up looking like a jar head gym rat.

Wear an eye catching color/top. – Yes, we all know that red is the supreme color of choice for profile photos. Whatever it is that you wear, it needs to draw attention. This goes for both men and women. Guys, if you post a photo of you in a white t-shirt, then expect to be ignored. It’s boring and a little slovenly. And for the women? One word: boobs. The hint of boobs never hurt. When I want to switch out my primary pictures, I use the one below.

okc2

Now let’s talk headlines. The words “fun loving” and “laid back” should be stricken from your online dating vocabulary. Your headline should also be an attention grabber. Keep it short, but give it punch. Just don’t come across combative or arrogant. You can even tease viewers a bit. Yes, that means be suggestive. The point is to get them to click. Enough with the quotes and song lyrics, too.

Finally, let’s discuss usernames. I’ll say this right now: anybody with a series of numbers in their username is an automatic no for me, as are people who use their real name or variation of their real name. So, sorry Mike45578, you’re a simpleton bore who couldn’t even think of a clever username. That goes for you, too, GeneSmith. Show a bit of humor and personality with your username. One profile review client of mine loved the water, so we did some research on various deities involved with the sea and sailing and came up with a profile alias that was both original and intriguing. I use a variation of JoanHolloway because we have similar personalities (no nonsense, amirite??) and body types. Viewers of “Mad Men” will get the reference.

Since we’re talking dating profiles, I’ll link to mine so that you can see what I’ve written.

Notice that I filled in all of the Details Options. You should do that so that you increase your chances of coming up in as many searches as possible. A lot of people leave things like salary and religion out. Don’t do that. The details listed on the right hand sidebar of OKCupid and on Match are there because they are popular search criteria. By not populating those fields, you will remove yourself from a lot of searches.

As you can see, I use words like “arousing” and “carnal” in my profile. As I’ve said, you can use sex as a lure. It just should never be taken by someone as a promise. You should only put that out there if you feel comfortable doing so. If you’re going to second guess someone’s motivation and fear they have certain expectations, don’t do it. I like my men on the slutty side, so I don’t find don’t sexual references a deterrent. I find that hinting at sex is far more effective than actually explicitly talking about sex. It’s a fine line, one that takes some trial and error to master.

People who read profiles and see a specific occupation, salary range or innuendo and show up to a date expecting that person to put out, monetarily or sexually, really show their inexperience and entitlement. If you act pissed because that lawyer took you to a moderately priced bar or that woman who was somewhat lascivious in her profile didn’t offer to go home with you, you can be sure there won’t be a second date.

Your About Me summary needs to be appropriately filled in. This is where you talk about you, not what you’re looking for. Don’t write a couple of sentences thinking you’re clever or because it’s too hard. Everybody has to do it. People who don’t do it should be approached with caution. There are certain rules involved with online dating. People who willfully choose to ignore them are usually trouble makers. I like the bullet point format because it made writing about myself easier. Choose things that showcase your interests and personality. Don’t tell people how funny you are, show them. Give specific examples.

The TV/Movies/Books section is something you really should fill in, as that’s where many people find the personal nuggets to reference in their intro emails. That’s also a place where popular key words appear. Game of Thrones, House of Cards, David Sedaris, movies, music, directors, authors. People can and often do search for specific films and musicians because they are seeking someone who shares a similar interest.

Thoughts?

“

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

How Come So Many People Delay Meeting Up In Person?

Posted: 20 Nov 2013 05:56 AM PST

Name: Cari
Comment: Hello,

I’ve been on two paid sites (JDate and Match) for approximately eight months, and I’ve noticed something happening with greater frequency. I’m having more men in “my” age bracket want to spend excessive, if not all of their, time engaging in virtual dating. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and am well aware of your advice to avoid men to want to engage in prolonged email and texting before meeting off-line, and I’m getting better about letting them know that I’m looking for a date and not a pen pal. But my question is why do so many of them do it? And no, I’m not *just* talking about men I approach; I’m talking about those who email or wink at me first.
Age: 49
City: Austin
State: Texas

There are a number of reasons people do this. Yes, women do it, too.

1. They’re just on the site out of boredom or for entertainment

2. They are lying about something in their profile and do not wish to risk rejection or get caught.

3. They are juggling options. They’re chatting with you while chatting and meeting with other people.

4. They are and never were terribly interested in the first place. Sometimes people flirt or wink for the hell of it. Sometimes it’s a mistake. Other times they read your profile more completely and notice something they didn’t notice before they makes them think you and they aren’t a match.

5. They have limitations or issues that make socializing difficult for them.

As common as deception is in regards to online dating, I would guess that a lot of people who stagger and prolong communication are doing so while they feel out their options. I think all of us at some point in time have done that. You’ve met someone you like and you want to see where it goes, but you don’t want to completely shut the door on another option. As maddening as it can be, playing the odds and exploring your options are an integral part of online dating.

Making up another large chuck of the online dating audience are people with serious social anxiety or other emotional issues who are isolated and fall in love with people over the internet. The amount of letters I’ve received in the past few months from women who fall for dudes who live hundreds of miles away only to come up empty handed and confused has me at a loss. The internet is a great place to pass the time and join communities and learn, but it should never fully replace good old fashioned person to person interaction.

I never find myself in this situation. Do you know why? Because I don’t let things get past 3-4 emails before one of us is suggesting that we meet up offline. If he doesn’t do it, I do it. If he stalls, I abandon the conversation or suggest that he follow up with me when he knows his schedule. I do not give him my email or phone number. I do not respond to any follow up email that doesn’t include a plan to meet. I walk away and find someone else. You shouldn’t even be getting to the point where you notice that they seem more interested in emailing than meeting.

I have a zero tolerance policy for special snowflakey paranoia or attention seeking. Oh, so you don’t want to post a photo because of work or because you’re cautious about your safety? Beat it. Those people don’t belong on online dating sites. I also have no interest in being someone’s online paramour or long-distance pen-pal/fling.

Again I will point out the passive role that many men and women take in their dating or online dating experience. This doesn’t keep happening to you. You continue to choose to engage in it, probably because you’re sitting on principle. There’s no time for hesitation any more. You either want to get off line or you don’t.The people who need to “get to know someone better” before meeting them or who require that their matches jump through hoops have issues that will make them tres difficult to date.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Yes, Sometimes Guys Lie To Get Sex

Posted: 19 Nov 2013 07:31 AM PST

Name: Cat D
Comment: So I met this guy on Facebook. We have nearly 20 mutual friends which made me thought he was a friend of mine (though forgetting his name). I accepted his friend request and ever since we talked day and night for a bout a week, he then stopped chatting with me for approximately a month. At the time I just didn’t care or feel anything about him so I didn’t chase after or sending him any messages. So about a month later he started talking to me one night, a little drunk, requesting to talk on Skype. So I accepted – by all means I just wanted to know what his deal. And since then we carried on talking and talking, sometimes the conversations get really flirtatious. He sent me morning and goodnight messages with calling me babe and all the sweet stuffs. It just got on really well and sweet. The only problem is if we want to go on a date I would need to take a 4 hours train to his city which I didn’t fancy the idea at all. He promised he would come but just a few days before that he suddenly realised he had a conference that he could not afford to miss; so I decided to travel to his city because I really wanted to meet him and have a not-so-much-like-a-date date. So I paid him a visit, stayed overnight, had sex – yes I know the first-date sex – and the next day we held hands, kissing and walking on streets and went to the pictures. We had a lovely time, just like a passionate new couple that you can find elsewhere. Then I left for home. Ever since he obviously stops texting less; just two days afterwards he texted me with all single word replies that literally made me felt miserable. Plus the fact that on the night we had sex, he admitted that he had never met me before he just added me for fun – so now when I think about this, is he really just another player who wanted to get laid? Or why would he being so sweet which he could’ve skipped all of those and straight to the point (because I tried to make him confront once and he said he found me physically attractive and would like to know me, and that he could gets lucky in his city pretty easily instead of some girl from far far way)? What is his deal because he just simply stop texting me now! Help please
Age: 24
City: London
State: London

I believe his deal is that he likes to add women with whom he shares mutual friends as Facebook friends and then have various kinds of sex with them. The good morning texts and Skype sessions were just his way of investing a minimal amount of time in order to grease the wheels.

The problem with stories like this is that the women place so much importance on tiny little gestures. They convince themselves that these guys are making great effort when really the men are devoting the bare minimum of time and attention to the woman. I’d also like to note that, yet again, we have a story about a guy who lives far away who contacts a woman online and then exhibits shady behavior. Do I need to say this again? I guess I do. RED. FLAG.

Why didn’t he say he just wanted sex? Because he wouldn’t get the sex if he were upfront and honest. Most guys know that most women have to justify having sex, especially first date sex. That’s why men like this, or even men in general, pay the tab and text after the first time they had sex or send cutesy emails. A lot of it is fake and disingenuous.They do it because they know it is expected. They do it because they know not doing it will be held against them.

Cat, you went to him. He cancelled the initial meeting, probably because for him this was just a fun cyber flirtation he used to pass the time. You went to him. All the red lights were flashing and you still chose to plow ahead. You pushed forward with this. You chose to sleep with him. This situation did not happen to you. You participated in it. Willingly.

In order to prevent this from happening again you need to raise your standards. Additionally, you need to wise up to the fact that all the things you were told that indicate genuine interest don’t, in fact, indicate genuine interest. Texts and terms of endearment and flirty emails? They mean nothing. They take seconds to craft and send.

You also need to accept that people lie. Is it bad? Yes. But no amount of railing against the act of deception is going to prevent people from doing it. Deal with it. Unfair? Wrong? Yup. Gotcha. The women who believe those lies time and again are naive. So it’s not all on the guys. You only have to experience something like this once or twice before you smarten up and accept that some people will say whatever they think will get them what they want. Even if it means being dishonest and misleading someone. I honestly believe that some people thrive off of feeling victimized and end up repeating this pattern over and over again.

Cat, your little internet fling is over. It was fun while it lasted. He added you as a goof and you played right into his hands and gave him what he wanted. All you can do at this point is learn from the experience and make sure it doesn’t happen again. He’s moved on. Time for you to do the same.