Monday, March 31, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 31 Mar 2014 06:05 AM PDT

As someone who has been writing about dating for almost a decade, I've witnessed how intensified the process of meeting and bioclock mating has become. Things are changing at a rapid fire pace.

What has stayed the same, unfortunately, are a series of misnomers and untruths that impede a person's ability to find what they're looking for.

Let's start with the tried and true…

"If he's the right guy, he'll wait" myth. This, of course, refers to the ongoing debate over how long someone should wait before sleeping with someone they're dating.

Read the rest of the article here.

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Stop Drawing Your Own Conclusions

Posted: 31 Mar 2014 05:59 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Lala
Comment: So, I am new to this online dating world. I recently have been communicate with someone who I really seem to hit it off with. Well, right after the man I am interested in sent me an email telling me he liked me and my last message, etc, I sent a message telling him that he may be receiving automated flirts from the site from me at ungodly hours and I apologize if I looked like a stalker. I said that he intrigued me, I wouldn’t be sending so many flirts at those hours. I honestly believed that the site sent those on my behalf because that same day, someone contacted me saying that it was Time to meet him because I had looked at his profile at least 20 times.. Which I had not even seen once. All this to say, I think I came off as weird and perhaps a liar for not owning up to my online flirts. I have not heard from him in 3 days after his very enthusiastic email which I believe he sent before Seeing my aforementioned message. So- I am tempted to email him explaining my awkward behavior and that I did not in fact make it up to cover my flirts at all hours of the day. What should I do?
Age: 35
City: Kaneohe h
State: Hi

In the absence of facts, you have to create your conclusion– which is what Alicia does. #TheGoodWife

— Good Wife Writers (@GoodWifeWriters) March 31, 2014

So, many of you know I’m a huge fan of “The Good Wife.” In last night’s episode, Alicia receives a voice mail from someone just minutes before he’s murdered. All he says is, “Alicia” and then the judge interrupts him in the background and he has to get off the phone. He closes the message by saying, “I’ll call you back.” That’s it. “Alicia..I’ll call you back.”

The rest of the episode involves Alicia re-tracing the guy’s steps up to the point where he makes that call. She’s desperate to make sense of his message so that she can understand it. She’s also distracting herself from dealing with the reality that this man that she had loved is gone forever. In the end, she learns that just before he made the call, he and another lawyer were talking that that lawyer showed him pictures of his wife. A few minutes later, the guy makes the call to Alicia. Alicia then decides that, because he had just been looking at the photos of the other attorney’s wife, that he must have been in a certain frame of mind and left her a message declaring his love.

That’s what your letter reminds me of, Lala. You’re drawing a conclusion that may or may not be accurate without any actual facts. All you know is that he emailed you once, then didn’t reply to your response. You also seem to believe that you and this man “hit it off” after exchanging all of a couple of emails.

My point is that sometimes it’s easier for us to devise a conclusion of any kind rather than face the most likely scenario. Alicia didn’t want to confront the fact that the man she had loved for so long was dead. That voice mail message was a perfect opportunity to avoid facing one of the few solid and lone facts in the whole story, which was that that man was dead and he was never coming back.

Lala, you’re trying to connect dots to make sense of why the guy didn’t respond. You’re trying to figure out why he dropped out of the conversation. You’re probably never going to know why he did that, much like Alicia will never know what Will, the guy who left the voice mail, was going to say. That not knowing is what eats away at us. So, since you don’t have any concrete evidence of anything, you’re coming up with a conclusion It’s a coping mechanism many people employ because the over-analyzing has the ability to drive us insane. We need an answer other than the one staring us in the face. You’re agonizing over each step in this because that’s easier than to accept that maybe this guy was never all that interested and just moved on. You’re clinging to this guy because you finally felt you clicked with someone. I get that. But you can’t become that invested in someone you meet online. You’ll end up crashing and burning more times than you can count until you become completely jaded. All this guy is is a one-dimensional representation at this point.

You can reach out to him again, but I wouldn’t mention the winks and flirts. That will make you sound a little bananas and like you care too much. If you do message him, make it simple and brief. Just say you were checking in to say hello.

Personally, if it were me, I wouldn’t bother. His lack of response would be enough for me. But then, I’m someone who accepts the realities of online dating. No response = little to no interest.

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Sunday, March 30, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Are Guys Really Afraid Of Their Feelings?

Posted: 30 Mar 2014 03:14 PM PDT

Name: Cecilia
Question: About a month ago, a coworker set me up with a close friend of his. Guy was just finalizing a divorce, amicably. We exchanged numbers and engaged in some great conversations via text for several days. He wanted to do dinner ASAP, but I was out of town for work, so we set a date for the following week. He told me numerous times that it seemed crazy how well we got along and that he was so excited for our date. I felt the same. First date was AMAZING. Incredible chemistry, great conversation. We were that annoying couple holding hands, PDA, all of it. In his words, “top five best dates ever, on top of the other four”. Lol. Yes, we had sex that night. I know, I know…but it felt right, so rules be damned.

He contacted me the next night to tell me what a great time he had, continued to contact me all week. And set up and to meet up with my friends and I that weekend (as I already had plans). Second “date”, again amazing. Same as the first. Again, he stayed over. And again, the next afternoon, he contacted me to tells how amazing the night and I had been. He did mention that night that he was scared of how intense his feelings for me were, given his situation. I told him I was feeling the same way but to take it day by day and just be honest with each other if one of us needed space, etc.

Fast forward, he went on a guys trip, texted me while he was gone. I didn’t initiate contact as he was on vacation. He came back to town and we seemed ok. He had his kids when he got back, so hanging out wasn’t an option. (I don’t believe in introducing your kids to every person you date…he has the same viewpoint). I got in touch with him Monday, said we should hang soon and his response threw me…just a “I can do that”. I felt like I was throwing it out there, and he didn’t pick it up! I haven’t heard from him for three days now. Not a long time, I know, but we’ve talked almost every day for the last month. Did I shoot myself in the foot here? My coworker still talks about “my boy” and hasn’t given any indication he’s pulling a fade out, but I haven’t voiced my concerns either. I don’t want to put somebody in the middle.

I don’t know whether to just leave it be, and if he’s still into me he’ll contact me or what.

Any advice?!?!
Age: 34
State:

I think, when he said he was scared of how intense his feelings were for you, what he really meant was that he was apprehensive at how things were progressing given the ink on his divorce papers isn’t even dry yet. From the way you wrote it, it’s not even clear that his divorce is actually final.

Telling you that he’s afraid of his feelings is a way to soften what he’s really trying to say. Once again, we have an example of diplomacy at work. Men know women eat that crap up and then sit with their friends and analyze it to death, giving him time to creep away with little damage or drama.

Leave it be. He’s not ready to take things any further. He’s pulling back because he sees the direction things are headed in and he doesn’t want that right now. I doubt this has much to do with you. He just needs to get his head on straight before he starts to date again.

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Friday, March 28, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

He Broke Up With You Because You Wouldn’t Sleep With Him. You’re Welcome.

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 03:50 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): NA
:
Comment: I’ve been dating a guy for 6 weeks.He is 34 and has never been married. He seems to have a history of dating very good looking blond women, and I’m an ethnic woman (same ethnicity as him almost), with darker skin and although attractive to most, I’m wouldn’t call myself super hot

I followed all of your guidelines- I let him ask me out, said yes most every time, and let him text/contact me first. Things went quite well this way. We ended up spending 2-3 days a week together, either out or eating/cooking together at his house with his sister. He often told me I was “amazing,” we got along quite well, and we had a lot of fun together physically and just hanging out. He was extremely affectionate and we were kind to each other. We are from similar ethnic backgrounds and I could tell him and his sister were almost scoping me out for “marriage” so to speak. And many of our encounters would involve me cooking for him, taking care of him when he had a cold, or giving him a massage for his soreness after a sports trip.

After the 6th week, I noticed he was becoming a bit distant. He called/texted less and and claimed to be busy the entire weekend (so far, we had spent a good amount of the weekends together). I would normally hear from him everyday, and after 3 days of no communication over a weekend, I texted him to see if he was okay. He called me and pretended nothing was wrong, and very non nonchalantly said we should grab dinner this week (i.e. a major step back from the past 6 weeks).

Since I had become friends with his sister, I mentioned to her that we will likely end up as friends. She said he had only said good things about me and that I was marriage material. However the next day she spoke to him and finally told me that he told her he wasn’t attracted to me because of the “blotches” on my skin. I am darker skinned, and my skin isn’t terrible but I do have some darker spots or melanin here and there from past acne. However, most people wouldn’t notice (and I’ve dated quite a bit – usually my er- and I would think if flawless skin was important to him, its something he would have noticed weeks ago before pursuing me.

I called him after hearing this to very nicely say I think we’d be best as friends and I felt maybe the attraction wasn’t there, and he said “I like so many things about you and you are one of the most amazing people I have met. I wasn’t there yet (at friendship), I thought we were still getting to know each other (i.e. dating). I still want to get to know each other (i.e. date).” But after hearing what he told his sister, I couldn’t really continue dating him as my ego was a bit crushed.

I’m very curious as to what happened. He was affectionate, sexually aggressive (although we didn’t have sex at my request), and so kind to me – then suddenly he pulls away for a few days and tells his sister he isn’t attracted to me because of my skin (which she decides to tell me). Then when I try to end things with him in a very nice way (without telling him what I know), he admits he was pulling away, but says he still wants to get to know each other and date.

What is going on and what did I do wrong? Did I misread something? I’m totally confused by this whole situation. I know he wanted to date a girl in his same race, but maybe he couldn’t get past that? And if that was the case, why did he seem so attracted to me and make moves each time? And why would would a guy keep asking you out and calling you if he wasn’t sure or attracted to you physically?

Thank you!
Age: 30
City: Toronto
State: ONT

Your skin had nothing to do with it. That’s just what he told his sister because he didn’t want to tell her the real reason, which was that you weren’t sleeping with him. If he said that to his sister she’d call him a pig and they’d get into a row and omigod I’m telling Mom.

I guess what baffles me most about this is that you don’t even seem to have considered that the lack of sex was the problem. He wants sex. You’re not giving it to him. He’s losing interest. That’s your answer. It’s very cut and dry. No sex, no relationship. Easy Peasy.

He’s not going to tell you he’s backing away because of the lack of sex. He knows that, if he does, you’ll think he’s a dick. That’s why he’s not saying anything. He still wants to date you, just as long as there is sex involved. If it’s not, buh bye. And he’s not wrong or bad for wanting that. How much longer should he wait? What more does he need to do? What other steps must he take? That’s what he is thinking. He feels as though he’s completed all the requirements to merit him some sexy time. He’s done trying. Most guys in his situation would do the exact same thing. Frankly, I’m surprised he waited six weeks to punch out. He needs sex to see if the relationship has legs. A lot of people need that step in order to determine compatibility.

You should bring up the issue of the lack of sex in the relationship. Talk to him about it. Try to come to some kind of understanding. Either he’ll accept your reasons for not being ready or he won’t. But if he doesn’t, he’s not necessarily a jerk for walking away. Just remember that.

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Thursday, March 27, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Re-Post – I Have No Desire To Be a Man’s Placeholder Girlfriend

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 12:39 PM PDT

Name: NB

Comment: Moxie,

I’m a 40 yo single woman who has usually had a boyfriend, hence, I just started online dating about 5 months ago. Needless to say, it has been a disappointing and discouraging experience. I’ve never proactively dated, so I’m on the naive side. I do look 6-10 years younger,(and yes, I know every girl says this, but I’m happy to attach pictures to confirm)and am often asked out by men in their late 20′s to early 30′s. I recognize that these men have no interest in a relationship, but I’m always up for a fun night so I occasionally go. When I first started online dating the endless parade of dates was fun and exciting, but it got exhausting fast. 80% of them were unattractive or incompatible, and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand. Mind you, OKC was my site of choice.. so now I’m trying to limit myself to men who want more than a one night stand and to that end, will be upgrading from OKC to match.

My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material, or should I limit myself to 45+ yo men? As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.
Age: 40
City: Brooklyn
State: New York

and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand.

I’m going to blow your mind right now. Ready? I will bet any amount of money that Mr. Relationship was part of that 20%. Here’s why I know that: because most women haven’t a clue as to how to determine whether a man is just looking to laid. Unless these men came out and told you they just wanted a one night stand, you have no evidence to back up your theory. All you have is years and years of crappy advice from your girlfriends. Something you’ll need to understand about men and dating now is that they prefer sex to happen sooner than later. If it doesn’t, or there’s too much challenge presented, these guys won’t think twice about Fading on you and looking elsewhere. Because they can. They have options that you don’t. So while these men in the 20% might have made a sexual comment or two or invited you back to their place, what I bet many were doing was testing the waters to see how you reacted. If you got uptight or defensive, they assigned you a high level of difficulty and mentally kicked you to the curb. I happen to think that the days of men judging women for having sex too soon are pretty much gone, save for the men here and there with the fragile egos.
My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material,

For the most part? No. Certainly not if they want children. But you’ll pursue them anyway, I’m sure because you’re convinced that you look young enough to be considered relationship material by them. That’s why you made it a point to mention your youthful appearance. You were setting up your defense. (And mind you, I wrote that part before I even read that last line.)

should I limit myself to 45+ yo men?

I don’t know if I would say that you should “limit” yourself to them. I think a better word is “focus.” You should direct your attention and efforts to meeting men in the 45+ range if you seek something committed and long term. If you seek a relationship, then you need to be looking at the Divorced Dad crowd and the guys in their mid/late forties to early fifties. Which isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t understand this whole thing about not wanting to date guys in their mid-forties. Yes, I know. You’re really active and fit and still dance like nobody’s watching, like when you were 25. You know what is the best thing about dating men 45 and older? They actually want you. Unlike those 38 year olds you’re hanging your hopes on who might date you for a few months until someone younger comes along. Because she will.

As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.

Nope. They pretty much still prefer younger women. The ones who are open to dating a woman of 40+ are in pretty high demand. If you want them, then be ready to go to the mattresses, because you will have stiff competition. Age trumps hotness, I’m afraid. Except with the younger guys. They just want to bang you for the story and experience.

I realize that this isn’t what you wanted to hear. But the fact is that you’ve had a string of boyfriends and nothing appears to have resulted in what you wanted. Or maybe it did and you’re just looking for a guy to date for a little while. I don’t know. What I know is that you’re now 40 and you’re doing what you can to find reasons why you can’t meet someone appropriate. It’s not OK Cupid’s fault. Welcome to dating at 40. Match isn’t going to be much different, especially if you try to get the guy in his thirties. This is what it’s like. You had 15+ years to find your Mr. Right. For whatever reason, none of those worked out in the way you wanted. Now you’re hoping that lightening will strike again.

The problem isn’t an algorithm or a website. You’re grappling with facing the reality that this is how dating is for you now. I’ve noticed that the women who return to the dating scene at some point in the last few years struggle the most. The dating landscape has changed and will continue to change change rapidly. It’s just..harder now. Especially for women our age. I’ve said this before: the 37-44 year old men in Manhattan and even Brooklyn aren’t looking for us. You’re going to have to branch out and start looking in Connecticut and New Jersey or even further. If you insist on local, then you have to channel your search and make yourself available to the 45-50 crowd. A lot of men 40-45 are still hanging on to the possibility of having children. Even if that pang to reproduce is faint, those guys are going to naturally seek out women they believe are of optimum child bearing age.

Dating isn’t like a vending machine. When the last Snickers bar is gone, the universe doesn’t magically put 10 more in your path. Your choice is to wait around for someone to come along and refill that option or select the Twizzler or Baby Ruth. Yeah, it’s not what you originally wanted. Someone came along before you and bought that Snickers before you could have a chance. That’s what it’s like to date at 40 in Manhattan or probably any other major city where there is an overage of single women to single men.

You can continue to pursue the late thirties to early forties guy. I’m not saying that getting one of them to commit is impossible. What you have to ask yourself is whether the frustration you will experience by holding out for them is worth your time. You also have to consider is whether or not you want to take those hits and run the risk of becoming less available and more impatient. There really is nothing more sad than listening to a woman in her mid-thirties and older complain about online dating and dating in general. The stench of bravado and remorse in her words is a pungent one.

NOTE: My opinion on this has not changed a bit. I have no desire to be somebody’s Ms. Right Now until they find their Ms. Right. Nor do I have the energy to deal with the dramatics involved trying to compete with women 10 years younger than me, especially when the “prize” is a man. Oh, so you’re 38 and date men in their twenties and thirties? Spectacular. When one of them marries you or settles down with you long-term, do come back and let us know. Because that’s what women like the one who wrote this letter are looking for. Looking for something casual and short-term? Great. Godspeed. You won’t have much of a problem getting a guy under 45 who wants marriage and kids. Personally, I don’t have the stomach to be someone’s placeholder.

Personal Blog – You’ve Got Issues

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 12:37 PM PDT

I got word yesterday that my Brother in Law had been approved as administrator to my late sister’s estate. This only came sexy_feet_wine_bottle after he ignored all attempts made by my sister to file for the position himself. She had to file to have the court appoint a representative. Then and only then did he decide to take action.

I was asked to submit an letter testifying to the various ways we had attempted to open lines of communication concerning the balance owed on the promissory note we had inherited. I backed out last minute, choosing to disengage from all of this. The money I’m owed is just not worth the problem that it is created. My sister accused me of not honoring my father. From the moment my Dad died I made a promise that I would honor him the way I knew was most important to him, and that was living up to my potential. That’s what I have been doing. And doing exceptionally well.

When my sister’s health took it’s final bad turn, one of my first thoughts was that she needed a power of attorney and a will. The process to turn the deed and title of the condo where another sister lives had just been completed. My four sisters and I were now equal owners of the property. The decision was made months before that to sell the property, as the sister who resides there was not able to keep up with the payments required each month. The risk of each of our financial futures was too great to hold on to the property given my sister who lives there having a very, very modest monthly income. (Oh, her inheritance? Yeah, that’s gone.) The plan initially was to sell the condo and my other sister would rent an apartment for the sister leaving the condo. That plan got shot to shit whet tensions between those two sisters reached a fever point and my sister who was going to lease the apartment reneged due to my other sister’s persistent financial issues and flair for creating drama.

Which brings us to yesterday. My Brother in Law is saying that he paid the 150K promissory note in full, which for all we know could be true since there’s no record of anything. My personal opinion? There’s still a balance on the note owed to the estate. But that’s just my opinion. Of course. And on top of that, just as we were about to list the property that my two sisters and I have been financing for 9 months, my sister currently living there refuses to sign the purchase and sale agreement. So now the sister who was going to lease her an apartment is going to file to evict her. Because, why not just make all of this that much more ugly? This process means that we would lose close to 50% of the fair market value of the property. So basically, nobody cares about anybody but themselves. All of this stopped being about my father a long time ago. Oh, hey. Remember him? Don’t worry. Everybody else forgot him, too.

In the comments last night somebody brought up “my issues” and how I don’t think I’m deserving or worthy of love. You know, maybe they’re right. Not about the last part, but the first. I have issues. As a girl friend told me last night, I have lived an especially closed off life. Now maybe you can begin to understand why.

I would never describe myself as closed off. Cautious, maybe. Guarded, for sure. But I let people in. I just don't let a lot of people in. I never needed to. I suppose that stems from growing up and being shown, time and again, that the only person I could ever really count on was myself. My sisters were all much older than I was and my Dad worked a lot. That's probably because being home with us reminded him that my Mom was gone. After my mother died I pretty much had to fend for myself. I learned not to need much in terms of an emotional support system.I never really saw that as a negative. I still don’t.

I was talking to her about my writing project and how I’m trying to make one of the scenes have a particular impact on the reader. She said that I needed to take the character beyond a cliche. She needed to be more than some woman who didn’t need a man or who wasn’t comfortable being vulnerable. That’s something I’ve known from the moment I started this project. I made it clear to my writing coach that the narrator would not be a cliche. In any case, I had to go back and re-tool a few scenes so that, when the do learn of one or two specific plot point. they will be a gut punch. Sunday’s episode of The Good Wife (Oh. My. Gardner.) made me realize just how invested in characters people can become if they are well-crafted. That’s the effect I want to achieve. But to do that, well, I had to do some emotional spelunking. With all of yesterday’s dramatics, it wasn’t difficult to find that place. I am the way I am after a life time of conditioning. Take it or leave it, folks. But that doesn’t mean that who I am is broken in some way.

For the most part, the comments here are tame. I honestly can’t bring myself to have a reaction to the very rare mean-spirited ones. Sorry, but I’ve been through too much in the past two years to muster much of a reaction. I am just about bullet proof. Again, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it will keep me single for the rest of my days. Maybe it will keep my going until I do meet someone. I don’t know. I’m not terribly concerned with that right now. My priority is carving out a life for myself in case that doesn’t happen.I’m finally working on something that has me excited, that I look forward to writing every day. That’s enough for me.

Everything else, the family shit storm, random commenters, dating, etc are way down on the list.

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$45 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Cut Your Dating Drama In Half By Dating In Your League

Posted: 26 Mar 2014 08:05 AM PDT

As some of us learned last week, the guy from this story ended up fading once he got laid. casualsex1

The biggest red flag that this would happen, in my opinion, was one that the author herself acknowledged.

The guy was out of her league.

Nobody likes to admit that there are just some people out there that we find attractive who will never return a similar level of interest. We’d like to believe all the myths that we’ve been told throughout out lives.

“Beauty is on the inside”

“It’s all about confidence”

And my favorite..

“There’s no such thing as dating leagues.”

Oh, but there is.

Reality: There are just some people you’re never going to get no matter how witty and wonderful you think you are.

The stories we hear, like Dater X’s tale from the Frisky, about ghosting and fading and online dating frustrations almost all have one thing in common. The person telling the story was out with someone who probably wasn’t as invested as they purported themselves to be.

To put a spin on the words of Chris Rock, “A person is only as interested as their options.”

If our options are vast, then we will be choosy. If they are low, we won’t. It’s a simple concept, really. And yet so many people struggle with it. How could it be that this person who seemed so genuine and attracted to me could say and do those things? Well, as we discussed last week, people lie. And as we mentioned yesterday, people lie to themselves.

If you pursue people you know are in demand, expect the experience to have a high degree of difficulty. If someone you know is out of your league presents no resistance to committing, be suspicious. That’s another concept people have trouble wrapping their brain around. Let me clarify before people take that bit to heart and say it’s not true. I can assure you, I’m not talking about you. You are not that mythical unicorn of a mate. Few of us are. The problem, of course, is that few people want to accept their station. That’s why you people clinging to an age bracket where they no longer belong or see folks desperately trying to break in to some inner circle of status and struggling to do so. It’s often why you hear stories from average looking men and women complaining about being used or poorly treated by a date. You tried to trade up and you got smacked down. Everybody wants to think they are the exception to the rule. Sorry, but you’re not. Once more, but with feeling, few of us are.

The reason why the most vocal of whiners complain about the unfairness of online dating or ageism or various other biases most often discussed in relation to dating is because they refuse to accept the lot that they and all the rest of us have been given. The end. Full stop.

They don’t want to accept their audience. They don’t feel they should “settle.” They will insist that they don’t feel they should compromise their standards. To which I say, keep at it. Because what they’re actually doing is weeding themselves out of the dating pool, making it easier for the rest of us.

They just don’t realize it.

Thoughts?

One on One Dating Profile Review

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*Photo selection and review.
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*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

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