Attract Girls Now: February 2014

Friday, February 28, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

What Does It Mean When An Ex Gets Back In Touch?

Posted: 28 Feb 2014 06:16 AM PST

Name: Kara

Comment: What does it mean when an ex gets back in touch with you but doesn’t express interest in rekindling your old relationship?

A few weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend reached out to me with a text message to say hi and ask how I was doing. We broke up over 2 years ago (he broke up with me) and have had no contact since then. As a aside, there was nothing particularly crazy about our breakup (no cheating, etc.) – we just weren’t getting along that well.

He asked me through the text message if I would meet up with him, and I agreed – I was pretty curious as to what he had to say and/or what he wanted after all this time. We met at a restaurant for dinner, and made some small talk. Then, about 15 minutes into our conversation, he tried to kiss me (we were sitting next to each other in this booth at the restaurant). I (gently) pushed him away and asked what the deal was. He then admitted to me that one week ago, he broke up with his girlfriend of the past year. He then told me that he still thought about me a lot, and that he constantly fantasized about me. He asked me if I fantasized about him, and I told him no (which is the truth – I haven’t even thought about him in any sense in a very long time). I asked him what happened with his previous relationship, and he said they weren’t right for each other and fought constantly, and that she was pressuring him to marry her (they are both 33). He then launched into this long discussion about how he realizes now that “relationships don’t work” and that he’s “incapable of a relationship”. I just listened to him and tried to be supportive. We parted ways a few hours later and he asked if he could stay in touch with me. I say sure, why not, and off he went.

Over the past three weeks, he has been texting me non-stop yet has not expressed no interest in meeting me again. I have been (usually) replying. We’ve had some interesting conversations (which reminded me of why I liked him so much in the first place). He’s asked me if I’m dating anyone, and I said I’ve been “dating” a few guys but nothing exclusive. He asked me if I was going out with one of them for Valentines Day, and I said yes. He’s volunteered to me some information about his dating, and it is making me progressively more and more uncomfortable – which I unfortunately know is because thanks to this new contact, I’m starting to like him all over again. He’s told me about some terrible dates he’s had, but then also about some great ones, including one girl that he’s really excited about. I asked him why he was bothering if he felt so strongly that “relationships don’t work” and he said he didn’t know, that he couldn’t explain himself.

So, what gives? Do I just cut off contact again with this guy? Tell him how I feel? Is there any point given he’s told me point blank that he doesn’t want a relationship and just got out of one? Why is he maintaining contact with me in the first place? Why is he telling me about these other girls he’s gone out with?

If I do want him back, should I not have told him (even though it is the truth) that I was seeing a few other guys?
Age: 30
City: New York
State: NY

He’s going back to you because there’s already a level of intimacy there. He doesn’t have it in him to create that with someone else. He’s not up to that right now. That’s why he’s returning to you. He doesn’t have to do all the work he normally would have to perform with someone new in order to establish a connection of relationship.

Honestly? This sounds like typical rebound behavior. I wouldn’t read too much into it. Especially since he appears to be all kinds of twisted about what he wants. I would distance myself from him before you get too caught up in all of this. Even if he did try to reignite something with you, he’ll probably flake out a few weeks or months into it because he doesn’t know what he wants. He can’t explain himself because his thoughts are far too jumbled for him to be able to do so.

Thoughts?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Do We Care So Much About What Men Think Of Our Bodies?

Posted: 26 Feb 2014 03:59 PM PST

Name: Anna
:
Comment: I’ve read some of the similar posts here but I haven’t read one answering my question. I am 21 and in college, I’ve only had sex with one guy and I am extremely self-conscious about my body. Since I was a teen I’ve had stretch marks from growing literally everywhere– lower back, hips, thighs, breasts and front and back of my arms and knees. It’s crazy. I might have been able to deal with this if these scars weren’t as visible but they are because I have olive skin and when I tan, the marks don’t. What makes this situation unbearable is that I am gorgeous, 5’11″, slim, and I have been recruited to model many times and was a child model (before the marks).

Even though I don’t consider myself shallow, I surround myself with people who are all shapes, size, backgrounds, races, etc, I found that I was always devalued because I have these highly visible scars that people consider unsightly. I learned to always hide them and now I don’t know what to do when I want to date or probably should date. Should I date if I am this uncomfortable with my body (I don’t wear dresses or swim suits anymore) and probably will be this uncomfortable with it forever or am I doomed to a long, lonely life? Because I have a good personality and I am strong, what people see on the outside is an extremely stark contrast from what I really look like and it shocks the few people I showed. I can’t continue to put myself in situations where I only have sex in the dark. On a side-note, I have tried expensive laser surgery and creams, nothing works. Any dating advice would help.
Age: 21
City: New York
State: New York

Stop hiding them. That’s my answer. Stop. Hiding. Them.

You’ve tried surgery and creams and they have not helped. Those marks are not going anywhere. But you know what? Even if they magically disappeared one day, I will guarantee you that you would find something else about your body to obsess about. You know why? Because we’ve been conditioned to believe our bodies are supposed to look a certain way, and that beauty and perfection come in one form. And they don’t.

I am just so tired – and by tired I mean fatigued – by how much thought we put into being good enough or thin enough or rich enough by everybody else’s standards instead of our own. You said it. You’re gorgeous. Not “gorgeous, but…” You’re gorgeous. That’s it. Those marks on your body are made so much worse by how how much focus and attention your put on them. Of course people act shocked when they see them. think of how you frame the conversation. I bet you say something like, “Oh, God. I have these awful marks on my body. They’re so ugly. I can’t get rid of them.” I bet if you were to just say, “Oh, yeah, I have stretch marks because I’m 5’11″ and that happens to our bodies when there’s a spurt in growth or weight gain. ”

It might not be the same thing, but a few months ago I was washing my face and I saw these two small, brownish spots on my cheek. I had never noticed them before. They were age spots. That’s what happens when we grow older. We get age spots. And you know what? It happens to everybody. Nobody is immune to it. I refused to freak out over them.

Sometimes it’s really hard to accept things that we can’t change. It’s frustrating. But consider the energy we waste moaning and groaning over such things. It’s time we’ll never get back, and no matter how deep or intense those feelings run, nothing can be altered. If anything, we’re just that much more worse for the wear.

Should you date? Of course you should date. Don’t allow all the noise that you see or hear try to convince you that you are only worthy of love and affection if you look a certain way. No, you’re not doomed to live a lonely life. Naked is naked. Yes, there might be a few immature and superficial dudes who might balk, but that’s because they have distorted ideas of what bodies are supposed to look like. Their exposure to naked women has been porn and media ads. Guys with experience know that the human body comes in various forms and shapes, with marks and bunches and sags and creases. There’s no doubt that the marks you mention, while maybe somewhat noticeable, aren’t nearly as garish as you think. You’ve made them into something bigger and badder than they are.

We all have something that we fear will get us dumped if we reveal it. Yours just happens to be visible. The less focus you put on them, the less power you give to them. A mature guy will look past those discolorations quite easily. Especially if he’s already attracted to everything else. That I know. Don’t let those marks define you. You’re so much more than that.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Do You Wait For Men To Earn Enough Money Before You Commit?

Posted: 25 Feb 2014 03:02 PM PST

Name: Katie
:
Comment: As I near 30, having children become increasingly important to me. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is tall, hot, plays the guitar, we have many shared interests, and the same sense of humor. However, he makes half of my salary. (I work in a technical field and make the upper range of my salary bracket for my experience level.) Since I desire a family, his ability to pull his weight financially in raising children is a concern for me. You may wonder why I didn’t take his earning ability into consideration when I decided to commit to him. To be honest, I only started thinking about having kids as a realistic possibility about 8 months ago and have been slowly working through the practical implications since then.

I discussed my desire to have children with him, and he admitted that he needs 2-4 years to prepare both emotionally and financially, which is understandable and predictable. He is working to switch into my career field in order to make more money. But I think realistically, it would take 4 years to him to be at where I would like him to be financially.

He is 3.5 years younger than me, so my desire for children makes the age difference (which has never been an issue before because we look about the same age) apparent, and I can’t help but wonder if we’re simply at different places in life.

I’m pretty and I understand men fairly well, so I know I would have no trouble attracting the type of guy who is ready for children right now if I were to start looking. So I don’t know whether I should stick it out for another 4 years or call it quits now. Thanks in advance for your insights.
Age: 29
City: Washington
State: DC

It doesn’t sound like you’re terribly committed to this guy now, so why stick around? I mean, you’re already weighing your options instead of trying to devise a plan that will help you and he reach this goal together. Not once do you say in this letter that you love him. That should tell you everything you need to know.

And what’s with this, “He’s 3-5 years younger than me?” thing. Do you not know how old he is and can you not subtract those digits from the digits in your age and come up with a hard and fast number? I’m going to take this to mean that he’s actually 4-5 years younger than you, which puts him at 24 or 25. That’s a pretty critical age difference. It would be different if you were 35 and he were 31 or even if you were 33 and he were 28. He’s still developing and figuring himself out. You’re at the tail end of that phase of your life. You wouldn’t be maturing at the same rate. Not emotionally, not mentally, and not financially. You had your fun with hot guy in the band. Scratch that off your bucket list and move on.

Though, before you do that, you may wish to consider one other point. What if, and this is a wild thought, you work and the baby’s father stays home with the child? The one income household thing has been around for quite some time and people seem to manage. Now, if you’re you’re not making enough to support yourself, that’s one thing. But if you can end up making enough to support your family, then why not consider that as an option instead of crossing your fingers that some dude will raise his earning potential or hedging your bets that you’ll find a guy who makes enough to support a family? Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s insane for anybody to settle down with someone who can’t substantially financially contribute to a household. But who’s to say which partner should be the one who makes the higher salary? Aren’t those days behind us?

I guess I’m still blown away by how many women are still relying on the man to be the breadwinner. That’s a little out of touch these days, don’t you think?

Monday, February 24, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Stop Connecting Dating Dots That Don’t Exist

Posted: 24 Feb 2014 01:55 PM PST

Name: WA
Website:
Question: I wonder why it is that men seem to thing it is okay to still be on a dating site while they are seeing you. Here is my situation: I have been seeing someone that I meet on a dating site for about 9 month. The relationship is very casual. We are friends with occasional sex. This was fine with me because I thought it would lead to more, but it has not. I saw that he was active on the site we met so I also put up a profile again. I saw that he had visited my profile. I then had a missed call from him ( no message, which is unusual because he always leaves a message). I returned the call about one hour later, and left a short message, stating that I just saw his call and that I hope he is well. He never got back with me which again has never happened. He always returns a call or text right away or soon, never more than one day. All I can think is that he is mad, which makes no sense since we are only friends. What am I missing here. Thank you.
Age: 52
State: ca

I think you’re trying to connect dots that don’t exist. You and this man aren’t dating or romantically involved. He possibly dialed you accidentally or was encouraged to check in with you when he saw that you put a profile up. Being the Suspicious Sally that I am, I actually think you put the profile up and then looked at his profile first, which then encouraged him to look at your profile. Not sure how you could have seen his profile unless you were looking for it, since you weren’t active on the site at the time.

Here’s what I think. I think you hadn’t heard from him in a while and were curious about what he was up to, so you went back to the site where you met to check up on him and see if he had been active. When you saw that he had logged in recently, that inspired you to create a profile and view his. You were trying to prompt a response from him. Then, when you got it, you were all, “I don’t get it! Why is he calling and not leaving a message and not calling me back??” You know why.Had you answered his call, maybe you and he would have gotten together. But since he wasn’t all that invested, he didn’t bother to leave a message or call back.

You want him to be mad because that indicates a level of interest you want him to have that it doesn’t appear that he has.

The only thing you missed was his call.

Are People Rejecting You Because Your About Me Summary Is a Bore?

Posted: 23 Feb 2014 03:56 PM PST

Name: Jeff
:
Comment: I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle here. Recently I came across an absolutely amazing young women through online dating. After 24 hours of signing on and walking away I finally made contact. In my message I was very polite, making sure to point out a few (of MANY) interests we shared and ended with simple sign off, nothing too direct or imposing. After signing on today I noticed she had read my message with zero response =/

I’m clearly lacking the skills to “sell” myself the way I would in a social setting which has always been very well received.

so, here’s my question…Is there any way for me to follow up my initial message with out seeming…well, pathetic. She really is amazing and it’s ruining my day knowing that if we met anywhere else outside of online dating I would have charmed, at the least a phone number.

well, thanks for hearing me out and appreciate any input you may shed on this dilemma.

all the best,
Jeff
Age: 32
City: New York
State: NY

Here’s the thing. It’s really not up to us to tell someone why we would make such a great match. This is one of the common mistakes people make when their crafting those introductory messages. You should always allow the recipient of that message judge for themselves if they think you and they might have things in common. Those messages really need to be brief and succinct. Too much info and you end up coming across intense or too invested.

The selling of one’s self should be left to the profile itself. Let your About Me Summary and answers to the various questions serve as your resume and bio. For those of you who struggle with putting together an engaging About Me Summary, consider doing this exercise before putting together your write up or if you’re considering editing the write up that you have. This is something my writing coach taught me that I found exceptionally helpful as I fleshed out the character list, back story and synopsis of something I am writing.

That introductory paragraph or paragraphs are like a short story and you’re The Narrator. Before you try to string together 300 cohesive words that make you sound fun and witty and awesome, try this. Compile a list of qualities, attributes, interests and values. It can be as many as you like. Then, underneath each item on the list, write out specific examples of said attribute. The point of doing this is to help you get a better grasp on your Narrator character.You can’t write about yourself until you understand who you are or what makes you, you. Now you can write about yourself without having to use the same boring descriptors that everybody else uses.

Keep in mind that any story needs to have a beginning, middle, and an end. So, start your story by introducing yourself. That’s your beginning. Then go into what makes you someone that the reader would like to meet. That’s your middle. Finally, close with what you’re looking for in a potential match. That’s your end. Take items from your list and work them into each section.

Now, as to your actual question, OP. Can you follow up with this woman? Sure. Wait a few weeks, change your primary photo or switch it out with another picture from your profile and then reach out to her. Do not mention that you tried to connect with her previously. Keep your message brief.

Hey there….

I liked your profile.

Sentence that mentions something about her profile so you can prove that you read it. (Not. A. Question! Do not ask a question!)

Take a look at my profile and shoot me a message back if you think you might want to chat and possibly meet up some time.

Cheers,

Jeff

No questions. No comedy. No extensive bio or retread of your profile. Simple and short. The End. She still might not respond, but at least you can let her go knowing the rejection was final and not due to a scheduling conflict, illness, busy schedule, dead dog, poor signal or broken heart.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Should You Stop Dating Until You’ve Lost Weight?

Posted: 22 Feb 2014 08:50 AM PST

Let's get serious for a moment, for the average adult female, a 15-20 lbs weight gain is at least 10-15% of their total body weight. Unless you lack self awareness you must know that you look different than your pictures. More to the point…why is dating your priority if you just had a major weight gain. You don't weight gain by accident:

1. Work has become a problem/hurting your ability to manage your weight/health
2. You are eating your emotions
3. You are otherwise sick or hurt

There is no perfect time to date but I have to truly wonder why you would try to start a relationship when you are "on the ropes" in the rest of your life. – Rugbychix

Yeah! Stay home, fatty!! Amirite?

A 15-20 pound weight gain isn't that big of a deal or even THAT noticeable depending on how someone carries the weight. I know that one of my photos on my profile makes me look a bit more slender than I am. I also know I've gained about 10 pounds since my sister died. Should I hide in my apartment?

Lucky for me the guys I date don't have a "no fatty" rule or whip out a BMI calculator on our dates. – Moxie

Since the average american is already 10 to 15 lbs over weight that then makes them 30lbs overweight. This is why if someone is "skinny" or "athletic" in dating photos you are hedging your bets that they will be just a dumpy average american.

It's also a long term commitment issue. If someone can't maintain a consistent weight and level of health outside of a relationship there's a pretty slim chance that's going to happen in a relationship. Forget about after adding rugrats.

"I also know I've gained about 10 pounds since my sister died. Should I hide in my apartment?"

No, you should regain your emotional footing from that traumatic event and return to physical and mental equilibrium. Then you should go back to dating. – Rugbychix

Here’s where I stand on this issue. I don’t think there is ever really a “good” time to be dating. By that I mean that there’s always going to be something that makes you feel like you’re not at your optimum best. Health issues arise, work or employment status can change, our emotional well-being can change. Shit happens. Sure, there are periods here and there when we need to take a step back for a few days or even a week. But the idea that someone would cease dating until they lost 15-20 pounds seems a little silly. Not only is the visible difference not always noticeable, but if someone expects their dates to look exactly like their photos, that in and of itself speaks to how unreasonable their expectations might be. No, I don’t think it’s wise to post photos where you’re ten years younger or fifty pounds heavier. But there’s some wiggle room there that reasonable people expect and handle.

If everybody took a break from dating while they worked on themselves or so they could lose ten pounds, become more emotionally stable or not be unemployed/broke, dating sites would shut down. Sorry, but life is hard and comes with a series of experiences that can bring us to our knees. If you think your partner is going to stay EXACTLY the same after two, three, five years together, you’ve been watching too many movies.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

The Only Guys Who Will Commit Before Sex Are The Ones You Reject

Posted: 20 Feb 2014 02:19 PM PST

Somebody asked me recently why dating advice is so inconsistent. I told them that it was because most dating advice lacks objectivity. I’ve said this funny-online-dating-experience before.

Today this popped up in my Twitter stream. Now, I’ve spoken of my regard for Evan in the past. He’s got more passion and authenticity than most folks in the dating advice niche. But this piece ruffled my feathers.

It affirms everything that I've ever written about sex and gender in a very logical, concrete manner. In short, women teach men how to treat them. And if, due to equality, birth-control, libido, societal acceptance, and insecurity, many women are willing to have sex with men who don't call, pay, commit, or make an effort, then those women are essentially teaching men that they do not have to behave well to procure sex.

You want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him. If you don't – because you're a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don't be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again. Again, I'm not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment; I will only point out as a dating coach that it tends to lead to sub-optimal results from men because they didn't have to do anything special to get into bed with you.

Note: there will be no comments about slut-shaming, since no one is shaming anyone, nor calling anyone a slut. Nor will there be comments about how you slept with your boyfriend on the first date and he became your husband. The many exceptions don't disprove the rule that giving men sex without demanding better treatment is not the best idea.

Well, yeah. If a guy does absolutely nothing in the way of effort, he’s never going to commit and doesn’t value you in any capacity. But the signs that he isn’t going to stick around are there. The sex isn’t why he’s not committing. He was never going to commit.

Here’s the tricky part about this sort of instruction. The men who will commit without having sex are typically the men that women regularly reject. There’s another caveat to this advice and it never, ever gets included when people dole this particular wisdom out. That would be that women should plan on demonstrating interest in another way, including paying for dates, if they are going to hold off on having sex. The way most of this advice is structured, women are led to believe that they can do nothing and still get what she wants. The onus is put on the man to prove himself. This is why so many women take this advice and come up empty handed.

Dating advice panders to the audience. Often the message is, “You’re the prize, ladies. Make him earn it.” Rarely does it consider or offer both sides. Nobody tells women that they’ll probably have to lower their standards if they hold off having sex until commitment is offered. Nobody tells women they’ll probably have to extend themselves beyond their comfort zone in any way to get that more desirable guy to commit. All that is said to them is that there’s this unicorn of a man who will wait for them.

Maybe if these women are 25 or 30 they’ll have an easier time if they employ this approach. But 35, 40, 45 and older? Come on. Most of the men that women ages 35+ are pursuing have already been married or have their kids or have multiple options. Or they’ve never married by choice. They are in demand. These men need to see something really special in a woman to make them want to give all that up. Especially if sex isn’t on the table. Women don’t have to sleep with these men, but they do have to their own hoop jumping to do.

But nobody ever tells them that.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Is It a Bad Sign That He Won’t Have Sex With Her?

Posted: 19 Feb 2014 03:17 PM PST

Name: Sally
Comment: I finally met this man that I had been talking to online for about 5 years. He had been asking me to come visit him since then. I’ve been here a week already and he hasn’t tried to make any moves. I’ve actually been the one to get dressed up for Valentine’s Day dinner and other occasions, worn some sexy pjs and lingerie but he doesn’t seem to care. He gave me my own bedroom to sleep in and when he sits down to watch tv he sits far away. All this time we had been talking online and on the phone he seemed like a very sexual person. So I’m finally here visiting him and some of the things he talked about we haven’t even done. And it’s not that I came here with the intention of having sex all the time but at least I thought we would have some fun. The funny thing is that he’s not even the type of man I would normally date but there’s just something about him though that just turns me on a lot. He’s a very nice guy I’ll give him that. He complimented me several times and told me how sexy I am. Even bought me roses and a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day but those have been the only romantic gestures. Anyway, I feel frustrated and a little bit rejected at this point and just want to go home. Why would he want me to come thousands of miles away just so I could sit on the couch watching tv with him? Doesn’t make sense. By the way, I have about 5 more days left here before I go home. Thinking of booking a hotel room the night before I leave.
Age: 35
City: Las Vegas
State: Nevada

My guess is that he met you and wasn’t attracted to you. I would think that would be the common sense explanation to this. That or he has some other issues that make it difficult for him to relate to people in a productive way. That would explain why he engaged in this for five years. Which, for future reference, should be regarded as a red flag. People who are well-adjusted with decent social skills just don’t do this sort of thing. They don’t have to. It’s also never wise to schedule an extended stay at someone’s home or apartment when you have never met them. You have no idea if you’ll connect or get along and, as you’ve learned, could make the time together awkward.

Thoughts?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Deception Is Part of Dating Online. Deal With It.

Posted: 18 Feb 2014 03:24 PM PST

Name: G
Comment: Hi,
I wanted to ask your opinion about online dating profiles and honesty. I’ve tried online dating on and off over the past few years but always seem to give up and disable my profile for a while after I just get bored or jaded with the “same things” happening over and over, so I give it a break for a while.

This weekend I went on my first “online date” in quite a while. The girl looked very pretty and seemed really fun and interesting online.

But it was the same old pattern… she text saying she had arrived to the bar just before I came through the door and I had to look around, not seeing her. Then I see someone waving at me… definitely not the person I thought I was chatting to online. And this isn’t a first. It’s happened quite a few times. At the very least it’s a case of the photo’s being quite out-dated but quite often I don’t even recognize them at all!

I know some will say I’m being superficial and picky and probably mean. But I just find this a real turn off. To be fair, she was a nice girl, I stayed and we chatted and she was very polite and nice. But something in the back of my head just wasn’t right about it. She wasn’t quite what she presented herself to be and although she was nice, I just wasn’t feeling the attraction. The girl I thought I was meeting was back in 2009 somewhere.

Now, I know, we all put our best foot forward and try to pick our best pictures for our profile. But what do you think is fair between putting your best foot forward and just flat out being deceptive?

Of course, like anyone, I try to put good photos of myself on my profile, but I wouldn’t go as far as trying to deceive anyone. I’m only wasting my time and theirs I feel. If they eventually meet me, they’ll see the real me so it seems pointless. I’d rather someone look at my photo and “Pass” rather than go through all the trouble of messaging back and forth, setting up a date and then eventually being let down or feeling cheated. What you see is what you get and honesty is the best policy I feel.

But I don’t understand what they are thinking? When the photos are from a few years ago… it’s only ever seems to happen because they have changed quite a lot physically over that time… and when the pictures are not them at all… well… what to think? Even the 4/5 year old pictures didn’t do them justice.

So right now.. after a “lets give this another go and see if I find someone great this time!” I come home and am thinking “I really should have known better, why do I bother?”
Age: 28
City: Boston
State: MA

I’d rather someone look at my photo and “Pass” rather than go through all the trouble of messaging back and forth,

I call bullshit. I’d rather someone reject me for how I looked in person than in a photo. I’d rather someone get to know me before they rejected me. Because, see, we’re supposed to care about the insides, too. I realize that that isn’t how life works and I accept the nature of online dating, but still. I’m sure I have shown up on some dates and not looked like some of my photos. I might be ten pounds heavier or my hair might be curly or straight. But that doesn’t change the text in my profile or my personality. Nor am I being egregiously deceptive. If someone is going to nit pick and be bent that I don’t look exactly like my photo, then good riddance.

What are they thinking by posting these photos? Well, I bet in many cases they actually believe they closely resemble those photos. In other cases, yeah, they might be using a shot from when they were a little thinner or had more hair. But that’s because they wanted to get the date. Do I think it’s right when people post photos from 5 years ago where they look completely different? No. Like you, I think it’s a waste of time. But do I flip if a guy shows up and he’s 5’8″ not 5’10″ or carrying a little more weight? No, I don’t. Because shit happens sometimes. Maybe those pics are 8 months old and they got sick or suffered an injury and stopped working out or whatever. I’m not just there for the photo. I’m at that bar meeting that guy because I was intrigued by the whole package. If I like someone, then 20 extra pounds or looking a few years older doesn’t bother me. Dating online is a chore. It’s hard. We just want to get that date so we can show up and be judged on our character and personality as well as our looks. Because, let’s be honest…if someone had an amazeballs profile but was average looking, they’d get passed by. You know it and I know it. We all know we’re being rated hot or not, and it’s dehumanizing after awhile.

The fact is that you have no idea when those photos were taken. And if those photos did have tell-tale signs of being old, well shame on you. And I will bet ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY people know when a photo is old but ignore it because the person is “hot.” Unless all of the photos were old, which is possible, what’s more likely is that they had a pic or two from a few years back where they looked “better” and lumped them in with a few other recent photos. So, in many cases, it’s not that they were being maliciously deceptive, it’s that people turned a blind eye to what was in front of them. So how about all of those people constantly complaining about how different their dates looked just cop to being as shallow as the rest of us and get off their high horses, hmm?

For all of those folks who go the radical honesty route, good on ya. You’ll get to heaven quicker than the rest of us poor slobs just trying to work the system a bit. Just the idea that someone might be sizing me up and mentally taking my measurements annoys me.

Yes, I get why you’re annoyed. But you play a part in this and you know it. So fix whatever it is you can fix on your end and you won’t experience this as often.

Monday, February 17, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why You Need To Take Things Offline As Soon As Possible

Posted: 17 Feb 2014 02:55 PM PST

Name: Mary Ann

:
Comment: Through an online dating website, I met a guy who seemed perfect in every way. We are both very goal-oriented, educated people. We began by exchanging emails, photos, and eventually phone numbers and texts. About a month into our constant conversations, he asked if I would ever consider meeting in person. I was hesitant because I am not very experienced in dating at all and we are both very busy with school and/or work. I agreed to coffee or lunch and we waited to schedule it until he was going to have a couple weeks off from work. We scheduled a coffee/lunch date at a hippy cafe around lunchtime, but he texted me early that morning saying he got called into work the night shift and was barely getting off. He didn’t think he’d be “conscious” by the time we agreed to meet. I didn’t make a big deal out of it and said it was fine to reschedule. He thanked me for understanding and said that I was awesome for it. He never rescheduled and I haven’t heard from him since. I have no idea what happened. I know he had even added my picture to his phone contacts list and kept sending me texts with my name followed by multiple exclamation marks, so I assumed he was pretty excited about the whole thing. He’s in his early 30s, so he’s a big boy and knows what he’s doing. I just don’t see the point of putting in effort into something and then just stopping all communication with me for no reason. We actually seemed a bit too compatible. It almost made me nervous how much we had in common (music, education, hobbies). While at a birthday dinner for a friend last night, I saw him with a group of people. I think he was there for a party, which very possibly could have been his own birthday celebration. This is the first time I have “put myself out there” like that, so I am disappointed to say the least. I know we are both busy individuals, but why start something saying you would make time for someone and back out last minute? He did look a bit different from his picture (a bit heavier set and more balding). And for the record, no, I didn’t go up to him and say hi or anything. I don’t want to seem desperate and text him or anything, but I would like some kind of explanation. I don’t know how to feel about it. I hate people who toy with others’ feelings.
Age: 27
City: Austin
State: Texas

If you saw him, he probably saw you, too. Chalk this up to someone just losing interest and moving on.

I keep repeating this over and over and I’ll say it yet again. The longer you spend communicating online/electronically, the less likely you will meet offline.

I’m not sure how I can express enough urgency where this topic is concerned. There is no time for dilly dallying or “getting to know someone” when online or digital dating is involved. Exchange 3-4 messages each and then make a date. That’s it. All of you people who need several days or weeks of contact before meeting are going to be left out in the cold. Nobody has the patience for that any more.

There are far too many options for people to use to meet people, and it’s inevitable that more will crop up as time goes by. I will burst your bubble a bit and tell you that this guy was probably chatting up numerous people in that month that you and he were communicating. No way was he putting all his eggs in that one basket unless he never had any intention of meeting you. That too is a possibility. Someone who can’t manage to meet you within a week of initiating conversation or contact is not serious about meeting you. Full stop. End of story. The fat lady has sung.

If you are still interested in meeting him, send him a text or email and say, “Hey! I was at my friend’s birthday party the other night at XBar and saw you. I didn’t want to approach you because I thought it might seem weird. Any way, thought it was funny and it made me think of you. If you’d like to get a drink sometimes this week, let me know.” Then click send. Then wait. If he answers and ignores your invitation to get a drink, disengage. In the off chance he was feeling that maybe you might reject him because he didn’t look like his pictures, he’ll know by your message that you’re perfectly okay with how he looks and still want to meet.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

So I Finally Tried Tinder

Posted: 16 Feb 2014 08:52 AM PST

A few days ago I decided to step into 2014 and try Tinder. tinder-android

All of my 40 and older male friends swear by it. The reviews by women I know, however, have been a little less glowing.

I resisted for a long time because I assumed that Tinder just wasn’t a viable option for a woman my age. I was also hesitant to use an app that required that I link it to my Facebook page. I learned that my fears were unfounded. All that Tinder displays is the short bio I included on my FB About Me page and my primary photo. I try to avoid posting photos of myself to social media. Even good ones. I’ve grown increasing uncomfortable with people (friends and acquaintances and “friends” commenting on my appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very appreciative of supportive comments. What I fear is that I’m posting the photos with the intent of getting likes and comments. I also don’t care for men who write offer opinions on my photos or looks as though they’re entitled to voice an opinion on such matters.

I had the ability to edit the short bio and choose additional photos from my Facebook account. My original About Me blurb included a link to this site and the various publications where I appeared. Part of me just wanted to say screw it and leave it as is. But I knew that would only impede the whole process as guys might think I was on there for material. I was also concerned that it might attract the status-seeking types. I don’t really care if people know my name or can easily find me. If someone is determined enough, they can figure out who I am. I’ve long since stopped caring about that.

For those of you who haven’t tried Tinder, here’s how it works. You choose your search settings based on age and location only. Up pops screen shot after screen shot of people that fall within your selected preferences. The only information you are given is their first name and age (as listed on their Facebook page) and a very brief bio. Some people don’t even fill that section out. You can either select X for not interested or the heart if you are interested. Or you can swipe left or right respectively. You can only communicate with someone if they also choose you as a match. The app sends a push notification/alert when you and someone you liked are a mutual match. People are not alerted to the fact that you liked them. Only if they randomly come by your profile and swipe right, too, are you and they alerted that there is a mutual match.

So, what has my experience been? Well, I have to admit that I was quite surprised by my results.

I have gone through about 200 profiles and selected about 30 men. In 3 days I’ve matched with about 10 different men. Compare that to OKCupid where I might send out 15 messages over a few weeks and hear from maybe 1 person.
There are a good number of men 45-55 in NYC to choose from, which I wasn’t expecting. My search range is 38-52.
The app appears to refresh and find new matches frequently.
Tinder requires much less effort than a regular dating site. There’s nothing to pour through and there’s no pressure to create original intro messages.
You don’t hear from anybody unless you want to hear from them. That means that 100% of your emails are from people you’re interested in.
Profiles display mutual Facebook friends and interests that you and they have selected via Facebook.

Of course, there are a few down sides to Tinder.

Users don’t have much info to go on when trying to determine compatibility. All you have is that bio, their age and the photos they’ve chosen to include. That’s it.
Since the information you have is limited, you often end up having to exchange a number of emails so you can properly introduce yourself to your match. As someone who loathes this kind of thing, that’s a big detractor for me.
The number of pointless back and forths that go nowhere is higher with Tinder, at least for me.
The number of Fades after one or two messages was higher for me.

Some things to consider:

Since my response rate on Tinder is higher than it is on OKCupid, it makes me wonder if something about the content of my profile or my profile details are getting in my way. I post the same photos – including 2 full body shots – on both sites/apps, therefore it’s unlikely the pictures are the problem. I’m wondering if other people have had a similar experience.
With the popularity of Tinder on the rise, how will this affect traditional online dating sites and the user experience? We’re moving towards only requiring photos at this point to determine interest. Will people eventually grow intolerant of having to write and read full profiles? Will their attention spans grow even shorter?
For people who still require all the steps and personal info, will they be able to survive with all the changes in the digital dating landscape? My answer is no. But then, I think that’s an example of self-selection. They will be weeded out of the process. Which is probably a good thing since those people – the ones who are so selective or suspicious – probably aren’t available for relationships in the first place.

Have you tried Tinder? What are your thoughts?