Attract Girls Now: October 2013

Thursday, October 31, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 31 Oct 2013 10:41 AM PDT

Posted: 31 Oct 2013 05:58 AM PDT

Name: Kim
Comment: Hi Moxie,
I’ll try to keep this short – I can never get a 3rd date. Guys always seem to be interested in me on the first date, they’ll text and call until the second, they’re always respectful and inquisitive, and they’ll even seem to enjoy my company on the second, but then they become distant and uninterested, so no third date.
I’m not being extra clingy, but I am being nice and responsive to phone calls and texts, and generally making it clear if I’m interested. What’s happening? Do I need to “play the game” more? Am I getting too comfortable too quickly? Are second dates just litmus tests? How can I get myself out of this rut!?
Age: 27
City: Los Angeles
State: CA

I can’t speak to whether or not you’re doing something to spook these guys. I’m not clairvoyant. If you’re getting second dates than I will assume you’re not doing anything terribly offensive or off-putting.

Not getting a 3rd date is pretty common these days. With all the ways people have to meet someone offline and off, it makes sense that our attention spans are limited. Yes, I think many of these men are using the second date as a litmus test of sorts. They were moderately interested after the first date and decided to give things another go. After two dates they decide that there isn’t enough attraction or compatibility to take things further. Hence why you don’t get to the third date. That’s dating. That’s normal.

I think what you need to do is be more selective. I’ve remarked before that successful dating isn’t about how many dates you get. You don’t have to go out with everybody who asks. You won’t be tempting fate or screwing up love’s design by saying No. In fact, by being more choosey, you’ll experience fewer confusing situations, thereby preserving your energy and avoiding the burn out. You don’t want to become one of those people who announce dating breaks. Nothing says, “I’ve been rejected more times than I can count” than that. Dating detoxes are for sad sacks who can’t get out of their own way who want other people to quit so they don’t feel as bad about their bad luck. Online provides so many opportunities for us to meet people we ordinarily wouldn’t meet. But it also lulls us into this false sense of confidence that there will always be a selection of folks ready and waiting for us to date. The end result of that kind of thinking is that people go on dates and have a great time and then wonder if there’s someone better out there.

As a commenter said recently, if it’s a relationship that you want you need to hone in on the guys who don’t have a ton of options. That doesn’t mean you have to go for guys you’re not attracted to or interested in. You just need to scale back on trying to win over the In Demand Guy. Those guys can afford to be too picky and often are. You know the guys I’m talking about. We all do. You can go out with those guy, just don’t attach any expectations to them. If you really want to get past the second date then you need to spend time with men who don’t have as many women from which to choose. You know who those guys are, too.

Forget those guys “that you’re curious about.” Avoid the ones who delay meeting or prefer to chat online over meeting. Those two guys are classic In Demand Guys. Focus on the guys who seem available and willing to meet. Most importantly, value your time and emotional well-being. That, more than anything else, will help guide you when determining if someone is date-worthy.

It’s okay not to have a date every week, or even every other week. It doesn’t make you a loser. You need to find a happy medium between being open to meeting people outside your comfort zone and accepting every offer that is extended to you.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

What Kind Of (Financial) Protection Do You Use In Your Relationship?

Posted: 30 Oct 2013 06:01 AM PDT

Name: CP
:
Comment: Confused and I need help

I communicated with a guy in the internet for almost a month and a half. It was casual communication. On and off communication. Then one day,I had a garage sale and my neighbor came to my garage sale and introduce himself to me. He said that he has been divorce for almost seven years. Then, he ask me out for a dinner and I said yes. So I went to dinner with my neighbor and I did enjoy the night with him. We played pool have fun the whole night. The following day I was waiting for a call from him and I did not get any call from my neighbor. Now,I wrote to my internet friend the story and he responded to me that he is very interested in getting to know me and would like to send me a round trip ticket to come and visit him in another State. Because of my frustration with my neighbor, I accepted the offer. It is a 4 day weekend in heaven with this internet guy. He and I were a match from heaven. he likes to eat healthy- which I do, he likes to exercise-which I also do, he likes to dance -I also like to dance, the sex was marvelous and excellent. He is 61 yo and I am 58 yo. This internet guy has been in the internet for almost 4 years and he had a live in partner for a year and half until they split last April 2013. The main reason for the split is the girl’s priority is her Church and the boyfriend is secondary. Therefore they split. Now, After I came back from a 4 day weekend with this internet guy, we have been communicating ever since. We both fell in love. He is asking me to move to his place in another State and I said YES! The problem is- I have to sell my house before I can move with him. I just lose my husband last year due to long debilitating illness. Question???? Am I making huge mistake. Is it too quick to move in with this guy. I know it will take a while to sell my house.Unconfuse me Pl’s!!!!!!
Age: 58
City: Pflugerville
State: texas

Is this something I would do? Hell no. I think even you know that this is crazy. If you didn’t think it was odd you wouldn’t be writing in. Unsuspecting recently widowed woman? Yeah, you’re a prime target. This has scam written all over it.You and her barely know each other. You’ve spent all of four days with him. Surely this must all seem impulsive to you. What kind of a person would make such a request of someone they barely know?

You sell your house and you’ll come into the relationship with a chunk of cash. Don’t you think that might play a part in why he’s in such a rush? My answer, OP, is to stay where you are. Everything about this feels shady to me. I think he wants your money. Selling your house is a huge step. What kind of security would he be providing for you in exchange for you giving up your home? Would your name go on the lease or deed and title where he lives? How would you be protected in this scenario? Being offered a place to sleep isn’t enough. Should you decide to throw caution to the wind and move to be with him, look into a Cohabitation Agreement.

I don’t care how in love two people are, all bets are off when emotions come in to play and money or property is at stake. It becomes he said/she said. Whether you’re moving in together or getting married, you should ways check the laws in your state of residence to see how and if you are protected legally should things not work out. Know exactly what you are entitled to and which assets may or may not be protected. Most importantly, get EVERYTHING in writing. That’s not being negative or doom and gloom. That’s being responsible and smart.Don’t take those precautions and whatever money you do get will be eaten by legal fees.

Always do your research before you enter into anything legally or financially binding with another person. That includes bank accounts, loans and credit cards. Before she got married, my niece and her husband took a couples course through her church that taught couples of all ages about managing money. Religious affiliations aside, that’s not a bad idea if you ask me. She and her husband are both employed full-time, which helps. They both bring similar earning potential to the table. The days of the man taking a wife and fully supporting her from day one are gone. At least they should be. I think it’s foolish to marry or merge assets in any way with someone who does not have a proven track record of financial stability and responsibility. You’re asking for trouble if you attach yourself to a partner who does not have their own relationship with money.

Last week I received an email from a woman who apparently was scammed out of money by a guy she met at an event in Long Island. She looked into what her legal recourse could be and believes she stumbled upon some information that proved the guy was living under an alias. I don’t know the full details, nor do I want to know. I have a very simple rule when it comes to men and money: they don’t mix. If a man I was casually dating ever tried to ask me for money, he would immediately be considered suspect. Requests like this or like the one in today’s letter would automatically set off warning bells.

It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you think you have with someone. Rarely is it as simple as keeping a tab of what you’ve paid out and being reimbursed. That’s why you need to make sure you use protection.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

What Do You Do When You Catch A Man In A Lie?

Posted: 29 Oct 2013 05:55 AM PDT

Name: Jennifer

Comment: I met this guy online and we finally met in person. Our first date was amazing—so much so that he wrote me after our date to tell me he thought I was amazing, that I exceeded all of his expectations and that he can't wait to see me again. We scheduled our second date for that following weekend and I was as giddy as a school girl. As it turns out, he wrote one of my friends on the same dating website a few days later and set up a date with her for the same evening him and I planned to meet. He then cancelled our date, claiming he had plans to take his son trick or treating. I know he won't be trick or treating with his son because he set up this date with my friend. My friend and I are equally matched—we're both very attractive and successful women, we have a very similar look, as people think we are sisters when we go out together. The coincidence is frustrating, but the fact that he lied to me and cancelled our date to go out with someone else frustrates me even more. I know we've only been on one date, and I expect that he's going to date other women until he settles on one (plus, I'm dating other men right now too, and rightfully so), but it shows me that he's willing to push me to the side for someone else in a heartbeat. Plus, the fact that he professed such a strong interest in me after our first date, then quickly turned around to go out with my friend (who is very similar to me) makes him seem insincere. I'm debating on whether I want to continue seeing him as he wants to reschedule our date. It's tough because it's too early for me to care about him seeing other people, and it's just unfortunate that I know that he's lying. My friend plans on ditching the date—she plans to just not show up and not call—she's pretty pissed about the whole scenario. I won't tell him that I know about this—at least not until down the line, assuming that we continue seeing each other. Like I said, I am dating other men, but he is/was definitely a front runner. I really liked spending time with him, our conversation was amazing, we have so much in common, he's very attractive and successful and other than this oddball situation, I think he's great. What do you think would be the best course of action for me to take?

Age: 33
City: San Diego
State: CA

So, you’re saying that this guy you had one date with also happened to randomly contact your friend who also uses the same dating site around the time you went out with him? Wow. That’s a staggering coincidence. Was Jack Tripper hiding behind a door at any point listening to your conversations and there was some big misunderstanding that culminated with him dressing up in drag and trying to catch this guy in the act?

orlyrick

Let’s pretend for argument’s sake that this scenario played out exactly the way you’re saying it did. This is an example of why I say that most women don’t really want to know the truth. This guy you met has options and he was exercising them. Had you not “accidentally discovered” that he was also talking with other women, you’d be none the wiser. He’d still be doing it, of course. You just wouldn’t know about it. You’re doing the same thing. But, as often is the case in these situations, the person who perceives themselves as being slighted forgets that. Yes, it sucks that he lied and that he wasn’t as eager to meet up with you again as you were. But that’s dating. Somebody came along that piqued his interest and, before he got too invested in you, he wanted to explore that possibility. Sounds like dating in 2013 to me.

For future reference, effusive feedback after a first date should probably set off your bells. You’re right, if he really was that interested he wouldn’t have bumped you for someone else. So either he’s disingenuous or you completely misread the situation and his words. I’m thinking it’s a combination of both.

orly_dr_evil

Should you and he continue to date never, ever, EVER admit to any of this. Not sure how you’ll manage to skirt this since he’d eventually meet your friends if this becomes a regular thing. Personally, I find it very suspect that you even knew that your friend was talking to this guy in the first place. Maybe this has to do with my age, but I don’t typically share with my friends the identity of people I meet online until they become a regular part of my life. But for you, dear Jenn, I am going to suspend my disbelief. Write this date down, folks, as this doesn’t happen often. The reason you shouldn’t come clean about this is because he won’t believe it was a random coincidence. Your friend needs to contact him and make up some story about how something suddenly came up and she can’t meet with him. Not showing up is just stupid and childish.

If you do continue to see this guy, you’re just going to have to get past this indiscretion. Yes, he lied to you. I don’t think he was being deceptive as much as he was being diplomatic. If you do bring it up, he will drop you like a bad habit and assume you’re an oddball who was way too invested after a first date who cooked up a plot to test him.

My honest opinion? I think you created a fake profile and tried to catch him in a lie. Either that or you had a friend contact him for you to see if he was communicating with other women. If this friend is real, that was a foolish thing to do, as he’ll eventually meet her and your little plot might be revealed. Which is why I’m going with the former explanation and guessing you constructed a phony profile. The thing about trying to trap men in lies is that it always ends up blowing back on us. Just by setting the trap, we look crazy. Reveal our plan and we tip our hand. Which means we’re left with knowing this secret and having it eventually gnaw away at us. That voice telling us he’s lying will never go away.

In situations such as this, when you really like someone you’ve just met, the only option you have is to wait and see how things play out. It’s hard and it can drive us out of our minds with anxiety, but that is our only option should we want to build something lasting and authentic. Maybe that guy will stick around and return our interest. Maybe he won’t. What you always have to remind yourself is that, regardless of his decision, you’re okay. With him or without him, you are just fine.

You are enough.

Behind The Blog – Wicked Game

Posted: 28 Oct 2013 03:46 PM PDT

I’m a rather newish convert to Pandora. For those of you living in a cave, Pandora is an application that allows users to create various mixes of Young caucasian couple music by creating channels based on their favorite artists and songs. One Saturday afternoon as I waited for all my events to finish, I got the urge to hear some Sade as I searched for a dress, necklace and bra to buy for an upcoming date. These channels that you create don’t just play songs by that particular artist. What you end up with is a mix of artists and songs that are all similar to the one you chose.

Last Friday, I selected my Sade channel again and prepared to do a tad bit more damage to my credit card by shopping online. The first song that played was “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak. I stopped what I was doing and poured myself some more wine. That song shot me back to the months before my senior year in college.

My two closest friends and I all decided to stay in Boston for the summer rather than head home for the break. I lived in my apartment that was directly across from the resident hall where my friends were housed. Residing on the same floor as my two girlfriends was a guy named Teddy (not his real name.) Teddy was a year younger than I was and in the professional fraternity at our school. They wore blazers and carnations and were all very stuffy and elitist. During the beginning of my junior year Teddy and I had a minor fling. That was back in the day where touching breasts and making out constituted hooking up. Teddy was lanky, with a smile that hinted at things to come. He had a preppy hair cut and Harry Potter glasses. And braces. Braces. I. Know.

Somewhere between those evenings of awkward fumbling in my creaky bed and the hot summer nights of June and July of 1990, Teddy changed.

One night, I decided to have everybody over my apartment for dinner. Teddy tagged along. That way we could all drink without getting into trouble. A game of Trivial Pursuit became a drunken game of I Never. Teddy would tease me and say suggestive things, and I would shoot something back. This Teddy was different. He was no longer nerdy or awkward. The braces were gone, the hair was a bit more shaggy. I had heard the rumors, of course. The stories from some of the women he had slept with. Each one of them went on about the size of his penis and the rather masterful way he used it. For 21-year olds, this was scandalous news. Imagine us all hiding behind our fans, our breasts heaving in our corsets, as we giggled over tea.

After a bit, people decided to leave. Teddy pretended to take off, but then snuck back out claiming to his floor-mates that he was meeting some of his fraternity brothers. He was extremely private. He had just been elected to President of the Student Government Association and would take the role once school began in the fall. It was all very “Gossip Girl” meets “House of Cards.” It was my first taste of intrigue.

I don’t know why or how, but Teddy and I ended up in my bathroom. That’s where we started to kiss. Other than my sophomore year boyfriend, I had never had a man undress me. Teddy slowly unbuttoned every button on my top and pulled off my skirt with the finesse of, well, a 25 year old. What I remember most in that moment was how my hands began to shake. I was so inexperienced. I wasn’t just unsure of my own prowess but genuinely had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. The other thing I remembered were the beginning chords of “Wicked Game” playing on the radio I had left on in my living room.

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.

There I stood in front of him in just panties and bra. The more he looked my body over, the more pronounced the flutter in my stomach became. I wasn’t smitten. I was aroused. Ridiculously and intensely aroused. I had never felt that before in any of the various trysts and dates and hook-ups I had had up to that point. I almost felt dizzy. He towered over me by several inches, and so I had to stand on my tippy toes to be able to meet his mouth with mine. He would stop every few seconds to look at me, that smile creeping back on his face. He knew he had me. He knew how turned on I was. He had all the power.

It was his turn to get undressed. He took off his t-shirt and unbuckled his belt. This was it. This was the moment. I was finally going to see It. When he was just down to his boxers he suggested we head to my bedroom.

It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.

That’s what I heard as we made the way to my bed.

My room was dark except for the street light coming through the huge round window just over my bed. He artfully reached behind me to unclasp my bra with one hand while removing my panties with another. I sat down on the bed, naked, not quite sure what was coming next.

That’s when he took off his boxers. My eyes immediately darted to his groin. There it was. There It Was. Everything the girls had said over way too strong margaritas at our sorority socials had said was true. It was as long as my outstretched palm to well past my wrist. That’s when the panic began to set in.

What was he thinking he was going to do with that? What was I supposed to do with that?

He could sense my trepidation and sat down on the bed to kiss me. From there I followed his lead. Every time he touched me it sent a jolt down my body. By the time his head was between my legs I had lost all inhibitions. This was what the fuss was about. This.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.

By the time it came for him to penetrate me my head was buzzing. As he hovered over me, slowly trying to slide inside me, the light from the window was cast on his face. He had this look. It was a mixture of desire and fear. It was a look I grew to recognize well into my adulthood. One that I anticipated. That look signified the moment he realized he was no longer calling all the shots.

It took a few minutes and several inquiries in the vein of, “Are you okay?” and “Does that hurt?” before we established a rhythm.

Yes. It did hurt. But I liked it.

Our first time didn’t last very long. We lay there talking for a bit before doing it again. We continued to meet secretly here and there that summer. We’d pass each other in the hall or he’d pop into my friend’s rooms when I’d visit and we’d pretend as though nothing had happened. I think that made it even hotter. During one of our clandestine sessions in his room he gave me a step by step instructional on the art of fellatio. He wasn’t being conversational. He was tutoring me.

So, after a night of bourbon and an Eric Clapton concert, I decided to show him just what excellent notes I took. This time I had a male friend sleeping in the living room. He had come with us to the concert and was passed out after getting stoned.

One by one, I completed the steps he had shared with me. Keep the shaft wet. Check. Use your hands and mouth. Check. Tease the tip. Checkity check check check. But most importantly…bring him to the edge and stop. Which I did a few times before finally allowing him to finish in my mouth. And then I completed my test by swallowing. In the seconds before his climax he grabbed a pillow to cover his mouth to muffle the groan he emitted as he came.

I can clearly remember kneeling at the foot of the bed and watching his chest heave up and down. Her lay there, eyes open wide, mouth slightly open, breathing heavy. That smug smile that Teddy used to wear was now on my face. That was the moment that went on to define me sexually. It was when I learned that there was so much more to sex than just orgasms. There was a power dynamic to sex. And in that moment, witnessing Teddy stumble to try and speak, I felt powerful.

I never knew it could be like that.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

When Men Look At You, Do They Think Sex or Girlfriend?

Posted: 27 Oct 2013 02:09 PM PDT

Name: Brandee Sexually-Dominant-Woman-01-485x242
:
Comment: I am 29 and have been divorced for about two years now. Since I was married at a young age, I have never really been single before so this whole scene is new to me.

The first guy I decided to “date” threw up some red-flags so I did some research and he ended up having a second life, which included a wife.

Since then, I dated another guy who admitted he was in love with his ex-girlfriend still and, although I was great…I was not his “ex”.

I’ve had a couple of guy friends who had expressed interest but they all have girlfriends or wives and this disturbs me!

I have not been trying to find a relationship. I am still trying to let my heart heal. However, it bothers me that the only men who seem to be interested in me are unavailable or people that I would never consider.

I have a good job, I am finishing college, I do not think that I am unattractive. I am a very friendly person and I get along with virtually everyone. I am really becoming discouraged and having a hard time trusting friends/men in general lately because of these experiences.

These experiences are also making me look at myself in a different light. The kind of woman that I would assume would knowingly participate in some of this behavior is not what I thought I projected at all!

What gives?
Age: 29
City: Los Angelos
State: CA

One of the reasons you’re attracting these men is because you come off vulnerable. While I tend to believe that these guys will hit on any woman in their radius, if it happens frequently then you’re giving off a vibe. I don’t understand why women act so perplexed about this and take such a passive role. Well, I do understand why they take a passive role. They don’t wish to be seen as the woman who flirts with men who are taken. They want5 to be the woman who is thought of as honoring some phony “girl code.”

Here’s why I don’t date or sleep with married men: because I couldn’t live with the guilt and fear of getting caught. Not because I wouldn’t want to stab another woman in the back. Unavailable men are way more trouble than they’re worth and always end up treating you like you’re disposable while they try to figure out how to muster up the balls to get out of their dead-end relationships.

If even your friends are propositioning you, then I have to question your judgment and standards by which you choose friends. That revelation is telling, as it says that you allow people into your life who would see you as a side dish. If you’re friends are doing it, then it’s no wonder random men are doing it. So you need to start being more selective about whom you befriend and with whom you interact.

We all project something. Weakness, fear, sexuality, anger. The problem is when we are unaware of what vibes we are putting out there. There are two types of vibes that draw the unavailable men: the “I’m a wounded bird who wants to be loved and doesn’t know how to trust” vibe and the “I like to f*ck so let’s do this” vibe. The latter is better than the former, but it’s still draws the wrong people. Which is why it needs to be honed to, “I like to f*ck so let’s do this but don’t you dare think you’re fooling me with your bullshit” vibe. That tends to scare off the more manipulative, weak and dishonest guys aka the ones who are unavailable or disingenuous. When guys looking to cheat or use women realize that there’s work involved and that they can’t get by with trite lines and phony compliments, they tend to back away.

Right now, Brandee, I think you’re letting in the wrong people. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t good ones out there. You can’t lose faith in humanity. You just have to be more selective and aware. Those guys you initially think are nice? Ask yourself what about them makes them so nice. What is drawing you to them? Is it their personality and charm? Then that’s probably where you’re taking a bad turn. Look for honor and character. Look for consistency and follow through. Don’t be afraid to say no and walk away. That, above everything else, is crucial. You may be letting people in out of a fear of not having options or being alone. Don’t let that rule you.

Buckle up, kids. I’m about to go on a disjointed tangent. This has been on my mind lately. I get introspective in days like this.

There are some of us (men and women) who are considered relationship material, and there are others who aren’t. This is all based on the messages we send in our conversations. I do not radiate girlfriend. I’m usually assumed to be the woman who either just wants sex or isn’t looking for anything serious. That used to baffle me until I started to realize that that’s exactly what I put out there. Between my personality and my body, men look at me and see sex. Well, sexy. Not girlfriend, not wife, not mother. So now I understand why so many unavailable in one way or another man used to hit on me. (Mind you, that doesn’t mean they thought I was attractive.) I put that out there, most of the time without even saying a word or realizing it. I would rather men see me that way than see me vulnerable and weak. For me, sex/sexy equates to strength and dominance. Maybe that’s what’s safe for me. I’m not afraid to let a man see me vulnerable, he just has to earn that right.I also see no shame in enjoying sex, casual or otherwise. I’m sure some will posit that that, in and of itself, is why I’m not married. Posit away. I like sex. Sometimes I prefer sex to emotional heaviness or commitment. Maybe that’s all I’m capable of. And, yes, sometimes that’s all that is offered to me. Womp womp. Poor sad slutty spinster.

I have become intolerant and unforgiving over these last 18 months, moreso than I’ve ever been. I’m working through all of that independently, but it scares me. I don’t fear being used. I can tell the good eggs from the bad. I am afraid that I have become so self-sufficient that I have fooled myself into believing I don’t need anybody. I’ve always questioned my ability to attach and detach. As I sit and listen to my sister go on about my other sister in hospice, I know I’m not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling. People here commend me on my strength, but I don’t think that’s it. I think I’ve just become so good at compartmentalizing everything and shutting things off. My sister (in hospice) and I pretty much stopped speaking this summer after a huge blow out regarding my Dad’s estate and I after I received weeks worth of texts and emails from her children calling me a slut, cunt and whore. I will stand by my decision in regards to this estate issue. My father was a fair man, and my decisions falls on the side of fairness.Everybody at home seems to forget that I was his daughter, too. But then, it’s kind of always been like that. Being the one to go to college and move away created an “us versus them” dynamic in my family.

One of the last things she said to me was, “No wonder you’re alone.” My sister and I, we have a gift. We can identify your greatest fear or weakness, exploit it, and beat you with it until there’s nothing left but a bloody stump that used to be your self-esteem. The last place anybody wants me is in their head.That, along with what I assume is a noticeable level of detachment, works against me when it comes to men.

What am I getting at? I don’t know, to be honest. I’m working things out by writing about them, I suppose. I miss being this honest, but I know it’s probably unwise to be so. Which brings us back to the issue of vulnerability I mentioned earlier. I’m having trouble with that. I am walking away at the first sign of trouble. That doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that I don’t appear to regret those decisions. I don’t have the fight in me right now to try and preserve anything.

Friday, October 25, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

The Savvy Dater: How Do You Handle a Last Minute Cancellation?

Posted: 25 Oct 2013 05:58 AM PDT

Name: Paige
Comment: I met a guy online, we were supposed to have our first date last night. He told me he was celebrating his college football team win up to 30 minutes until our date (mind you we had a late enough date planned and his team played at 2:30 that day so in other words he’s been at the bar all day). He then texts me 30 minutes before we were supposed to be at the place saying “hey, I don’t think this is a good idea. I’m not in tip top shape and I want to make a good impression”. He NEVER apologized and the next morning he stated that he was at brunch. He’s now texting me again has yet to apologize or reschedule. Should I just forget about him or give him another chance?
Age: 25
City: Dallas
State: Texas

I think the apology was implied in the initial text where he cancelled the date. Had he called you, I have a feeling he probably would have offered an apology. But keep in mind that he was out with his bros at a bar watching a game. That means he was probably a lil’ drunky. As frustrating as it it to get that call, he was smart to text and not pick up the phone. Given your reaction here, and given that he probably had had a few, I don’t see that conversation ending well.

In the future, in order to avoid this particular scenario, don’t agree to be penciled in between other appointments. This is why you don’t plan a date before or after another event. Dates should be scheduled when you have a few hours free and no place to be afterwards. Especially avoid dates that are being scheduled around a sporting or other televised event. Those things rarely start or end on time.

To be more accurate, avoid people who tell you that they’re prioritizing a game or what not over meeting you. Not that I don’t get it. Awards season is almost upon us. My friend Karen and I devote HOURS to watching red carpets and award telecasts together. HOURS. Her husband knows to plan accordingly. I ABSOLUTELY prioritize that time with my friend over guys or dates. But I would NEVER tell the guy that. Why? It makes me sound kinda crazy. By revealing that, I would be saying to him, “You will never be more important than listening to bad Neil Patrick Harris jokes.” That’s not how you start things off with someone new.

Why give a stupid reason. They could just say “I’m really tired but would like to reschedule.” Then you reschedule and go out. That’s how normal people do it. A girl once canceled on me last minute on the grounds that her father broke his leg. What? I said “no problem” and immediately went out with her best friend. Then I ate her liver with some fava beans. The last part isn’t true. – A friend

Should you give him a second chance? I don’t know. Personally, I have a hard time bouncing back from last minute cancels. If I’m given sufficient enough heads up, say a few hours, I probably would let it slide. But if that cancellation occurs while I’m getting ready to meet them, I’m out. It makes the person cancelling look flaky and like they don’t have their shit together. That’s not what somebody who wants to make a good impression does. That’s something done by someone who isn’t all that interested in the first place. Save for extenuating circumstances like accidents or work obligations dropped in your lap, if you’re debating whether or not to cancel a date, don’t wait to see how things play out. Cancel that date the minute you have a hesitation.

If someone is going to cancel, and they genuinely want to meet someone, they should have a back up date ready to suggest. So, Paige, in your case I would blow this guy off. He doesn’t seem like he’s got it together enough to be ready for any kind of productive relationship.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Are Some People Too Hot For Online Dating?

Posted: 24 Oct 2013 02:48 PM PDT

I have heard many, many times that people always get suspicious when someone extraordinarily beautiful pops up on an online dating site. That it begs the question: why does s/he need to go online to get dates? The underlying message there, to me, is that online dating is some kind of last resort maneuver to find someone. I disagree with that. So what’s up with those kinds of comments? I have plenty of gorgeous friends who have no trouble getting dates in their day to day but also have an online presence because…well, because why not? (I mean, sure, some love the attention and don’t take it seriously but I know one or two who had substantial relationships come out of the Internet and a handful more who had some good date experiences, too.)

So I guess my question is: is there such a thing as “too pretty” to be online?

Steph

Thoughts?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Why It’s Important To Think Before You Type
What’s The Deal With The Protected Posts?
Why Is He Having So Much Trouble Getting Dates?

Why It’s Important To Think Before You Type

Posted: 23 Oct 2013 03:09 PM PDT

Name: Julie
:
Comment: There is a man who lives near me who I keep running into at the grocery store, dog park, etc. I can tell he is nervous around me and find it to be sweet. I am definitely attracted to him and I thought I was being obvious about it, but apparently not. Finally, I just gave him my number, albeit under the guise to do something with a group of people. (I know.) We all hung out together and had a great time. Afterwards he texted about how everyone really liked me and how much fun he had– I said the same. A couple days later, I reached out to him, via text about something the group could do together. He responded and then we got into somewhat of a text conversation (not normally a fan of) and finally he asked if he could use my number to ask me out. Finally! I said, yes and I was hoping that he would. He said he had no idea that I was interested. Which was interesting but whatever… So we went out, it was lovely. Then randomly saw each other the next day and he was super sweet and kind. Then we hung out again- fun times. Then we hung out the next night and slept together- fun times. THEN I had to leave to go out of town…knowing that I was going to be out of town for a week, he suggested we get together, even though his schedule was crazy with work. The night before I left, he came over to my place with a little gift, which was thoughtful and we hung out for an hour. Nothing physical other than a kiss good-bye. I thought this was super nice and respectful. It showed he was making time and did not have any motives, other than to see me before I went home. So I got back my trip and am back in town for two days- I hear nothing. So I reach out to him, saying hello and I am back in town. He responds, says he was wondering when I was going to be back and that he was working two jobs this week and was super burnt and looking forward to some down time. I texted back that it sounded intense and good luck with the rest of the week. Then Sunday rolls around and I still hadn’t not even received a text from him. Same dude… same, let-me-see-you-before-you-go-a-got-you-a-present-dude now has now gone ghost. Nothing in a week?? So I hit him up in an easy breezy way, and say I hope to see you around town. This admittedly was probably not the best idea b/c although I kept it light, it was still obvious I was calling him out for dropping out. (I mean, it was a complete 180 from the communication style before I left, his crazy work aside. And I was looking for a reason…) He responded said he was sorry, he had a major headache coming off of working a million hours last week and hoped that I understood, he was just super burnt and was in no way trying to be an asshole by not being in touch. And that he very much hoped to see me around and also to hang out with me. So I shoot back a: “I totally get it, enjoy your well deserved down time. Feel better and when you do we will definitely hang out.” There was no response to this that day nor has there been any follow-up now two days later.

My question- I have been raised by my grandmother who said, if I man likes you, you don’t have to wonder. And if you are wondering then, he doesn’t. Other friends have also echoed similar sentiments, regardless of busy schedules, if a man likes you he will make time. But the thing is- this guy had a crush on me for weeks and was afraid to ask me out, then we did hang and had a wonderful time, and he did several sweet, thought things thereafter– I am uber confused by this behavior. I have decided to back way off and just wait to hear from him, but don’t know if should be just backing off or walking away. And normally knowing when to walk away is pretty clear to me, so any advice would be beyond appreciated. Thank you.
Age: 35
City: Austin
State: Texas

The night before I left, he came over to my place with a little gift, which was thoughtful and we hung out for an hour. Nothing physical other than a kiss good-bye. I thought this was super nice and respectful.

See, to me, that’s a red flag. Of course you thought it was nice and respectful. That’s always where women go when men appear to not be interested in sex. That’s why they do it. If I’ve started sleeping with someone, and he comes over, we’re having sex. Why? Because I’m attracted to him and I like him. My guess is that, because there was no sex, he lost interest in the time that you were away. But that would mean that he was only moderately interested in the first place. All that other stuff about how he was nervous in front of you and how he was harboring a crush was likely in your head, and was only cemented when he acted all shocked when you said you’d been waiting for him to ask you out. You’re taking little bits of behavior and coming up with your own story. You have no idea what he was thinking or feeling. Even if he tells you he was crushing on you, you still won’t know if that’s true. You need time to establish a baseline of someone’s behavior. Three dates isn’t enough. That’s why you have to take each interaction on an individual basis until you have a complete picture.

Really? He didn’t know that you were interested in him when you invited him out to hang with you and your friends? Okay. I suppose that’s possible. Men can be somewhat dense about that stuff. I find admissions like that a bit disingenuous, to tell you the truth. Mostly because they usually are. It’s a way to rev up the engines.

The nail in the coffin for him, I’m sure, was the aloof, “See ya ’round town, bruh” text. Yep, that was a boo boo. As tempting as it is to give in to whatever you’re feeling in the moment, you have to maintain your composure. That reason they’re giving you about why they haven’t followed up just might be true. Everybody needs that opportunity to prove themselves to be honest. If he was on the fence, which I think he was, then you pushed him right over with that message. If you’re upset, walk away from the phone or computer until you’re not. This is why I HATE phone calls that deliver such news. I realize that some people think it polite or “the right thing” to call, but personally I find it counter-productive. I’m trapped in a situation and can’t react the way I want and forced to be amenable. Worse is when you try to excuse yourself from the situation over and over and the person on the other end of the phone just refuses to acknowledges your cues. Text is best. We all need that moment to decompress.

To me this all sounds like he just wasn’t terribly interested from the start or lost interest after a few dates when he got to know you and determined he wasn’t interested enough to take things further. That happens, and it’s every man and woman’s right to make that decision for themselves.

What’s The Deal With The Protected Posts?

Posted: 23 Oct 2013 07:35 AM PDT

I’ve been getting a number of emails from readers asking for access to the posts marked Protected. winetop3

I hope readers will understand that I only grant access to those posts to people I know in real life.

What’s mainly being discussed is my father’s probate case and the drama that has resulted. There have been developments over the last two weeks that have severely complicated matters. More recently, I revealed that my sister’s health has taken an unfortunate turn and, as of yesterday, she is now under hospice care. Given everything that has happened in the last 18 months, what with losing my Dad and step-mom and the resulting issues concerning my father’s estate and subsequently hers, I need an outlet that is just for me and where I feel I can speak freely.

Thank you in advance for understanding.

Why Is He Having So Much Trouble Getting Dates?

Posted: 23 Oct 2013 06:38 AM PDT

Name: Walter
Comment: Hello

I was hoping you could help me or at least point me in the right direction. All my friends are either married or at least headed that way. I am not necessarily looking for marriage at this second, but it would be nice to go on a date for once.
I am 31 years old born in South America, raised then midwest but currently live in Miami. People consider me attractive, I am fit (a CrossFit athlete), make 6 figures and find it easy to make friends around me. I am often told that I have ‘bold friendliness,’ which is a trait that I would think would help me in the dating world. I am really friendly (Midwest friendly) and I really don’t know how to be dishonest. This is served me well in the business world. I mostly ‘try’ (terribly) at online dating. I do try to attract mates outside of online, but have limited success. Women don’t seem to trust or really like me.
Dating has not been terrible over the past few years. I have tried it all. I currently have profiles on OKCupid, Match, Chemistry, Eharmony, POF and DatingDNA (I am sure I missed a few). I have read all your advice (and advice of others) and i can’t seem to get anyone interested in me. My friends are a different story, they are routinely going on dates and I am so jealous. I really don’t know what I am doing wrong. I have written and re- written my profiles based on feedback from women (and men) that have been successful. I even performed multiple experiments including:

-Setting up different profiles that are completely different from each other and seeing which ones do better (fail)
-Logging on everyday and answering questions or making a change in my profile to increase visibility (fail)
-Changing my profile picture regularly . (fail)
- I had a girl do it for me (set up a profile, find matching and message potential mates (TOTAL failure)
-Messaging 100 women in a single weekend with unique messages ( I wanted to play the numbers game and failed)

I don’t get it. I have literally messaged 1000′s of girls over the past 3-4 years and gotten maybe a dozen (not lying) responses. The ones that I do get usually don’t go anywhere. I do follow you advice and my messages ( i think ) are a great blend of showing interest (but not too much), humor and are clear that I am ultimately looking for a mate. Despite my lack of success I keep trying. The only technique that ‘kinda’ works is using the ‘Locals’ (Tinder style ‘Hot or Not’). I have been logging on every few hours and ‘Liking’ every girl. I do get matches from time to time and I message them. While 99% of them don’t reply. I do get a polite (rude) response every once in a while. Honesty this inability to attract mates is really destroying me inside (not to sound dramatic). While I have plenty of time to work on my career, I am missing out on an important part of life.

Since I am being honest, I do find myself hanging out at strip club sometimes. Believe it or not, I do not go their to fulfill a physical need (with contact and lap dances) I just want to communicate to with opposite sex and its easy there (unlike my real world struggles). While those girls are not who I want to date, it is a good place to practice without being judged. Even if I have to give them money (or buy them drinks) its better than being alone all the time.

So in summary, I am a real challenge. I have tried may of the techniques talked about on your sites an others…nothing works. Can you help me before I go insane ?
Age: 31
City: Miami
State: Fl

I am often told that I have ‘bold friendliness,’ which is a trait that I would think would help me in the dating world.

Let’s start here. The phrase “bold friendliness” is a back handed compliment.

Women don’t seem to trust or really like me.

And here again is another tell. Women don’t trust you and people describe you as bold. To me, that says that you come on too strong and appear to have a chip on your shoulder. You could be being perceived as aggressive, which is a tough thing to overcome.

I would have to look at your profile and emails to get a better sense of what you’re doing and saying. You’re listing out all the things you’ve tried to no avail to meet women, but I’m not sure your perception of things is accurate. That’s not an insult. I don’t think most people really understand the kind of impressions they make.

To not have any luck with online dating really only says that the person using it is likely doing something that is impeding their experience. Making it more difficult is that you already have no faith in the process. If you think online dating isn’t successful for you, it won’t be. That’s a simple fact.

When I read articles by people who can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to their love lives, I’m immediately suspicious. There’s a victim mentality involved with thinking like that. That, too, is going to prohibit your success. You’re trying way too hard, which is why you’re not garnering the results you would like.

I can’t really give more insight until I see your profile.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Protected: Hall & Oates
Dating & Schadenfraude: Admit It…You Like It When Single Friends Struggle
The Assumptions We Make That Keep Us Single

Protected: Hall & Oates

Posted: 22 Oct 2013 03:20 PM PDT

Dating & Schadenfraude: Admit It…You Like It When Single Friends Struggle

Posted: 22 Oct 2013 06:05 AM PDT

Name: Emily (for the purpose of posting, but you can see my real name in my email address) wayharshtai
:
Comment: This will sound strange, but I am writing about a friend whose behavior perplexes me. She turns to me for advice, but I might be too close to her to be able to see what the real problem is.

Basic background information:
-she’s in her late 30s, no kids
-she has been single (no boyfriend) for 9 years
-she lives in Manhattan
-my male friends unanimously describe her as physically unattractive (both face and body)
-she’s intelligent and very kind
-she is very, very active with online dating, and has been for years.
-she has no male friends whatsoever
-when presented with opportunities to have platonic conversations with men (men who are gay, men who are unavailable), she gets hostile and distances herself from the conversations.

She claims that she wants desperately to be in a relationship and is lonely.

However, here’s what happens:
-she only dates men who are strikingly handsome
-these men present tons of red flags that would leave most women running (drug problems, sexual dysfunctions, homelessness, sketchy income sources, etc.)
-she insists that they are “nice” although she has no reason to think they are nice
-they ditch her
-she contacts them several months later to see if they want to “meet up”
-rinse and repeat

Another strange thing about her relationships with men – she never refers to men by their names. She gives them juvenile sounding monickers, such as “diabetes guy” or “christian rock dude”. She won’t even refer to my boyfriend by his name – she came up with some dumb nickname for him too.

When I try to talk to her about her dating issues, she always chalks it up to her age (claiming that after she hit 36, men were no longer interested in dating her).

What does this sound like to you?
Obviously, she has some serious problems with men, but can you help me understand this? What should I say to her? It’s actually intefering with our friendship. I can’t bear to hear the stories any more, so I avoid seeing her, which feels wrong.
Age: 40
City: New York
State: NY

So, these are your two most recent comments. Here and here.

My impression of you based on your comments and this letter is that you are passive aggressive. You’re trying to get at someone with your statements and this note. You’re not looking to help your friend. You want to make her (or someone else) look bad and then sit back and enjoy the schadenfraude.

What this letter demonstrates is the subversive way people like to compete with each other when it comes to the opposite sex and dating. You read this blog to get insight into your single friends love lives? You draft a mini-manifesto because you’re concerned for her apparently dysfunctional dating ways? Well, aren’t you the nurturer/caretaker.Why do you care this much again? Because I can’t figure that part out. Your male friends all describe her as unattractive? Hmm..maybe they do that because they know that’s what you want to hear? I don’t trust your perception or POV. If this friend exists, you clearly resent her.

Any time someone has to defend their presence on a dating blog or in the comments of a dating related article with, “Well, I’m married/in a relationship so I don’t really need dating advice but…” they’re being condescending. Or they’re lying. Remember, we can all be whomever we want to be on the internet.

As I’ve said before, married or non-single people who flock to dating advice articles or ingratiate themselves into the lives of their single friends “to help” aren’t trying to help. They either like to revel in the lives of these struggling single people or they fear they’re missing out on something. Trust me. They aren’t there doling out their wisdom out of the kindness of their hearts. They’re hate-reading or hate-listening. Then they go somewhere else and mock the single person with the problem or feign sympathy while internally snarking on them. This is one of the multitude of reasons I don’t publicly discuss my personal life in any depth. Usually, that type of thing is done to legitimize someone’s life. I don’t need to do that. It’s also done to one up and compete with others, something else I feel no need to do. They’re story isn’t mine and vice versa.

The main reason I don’t offer such tid bits is because I’m not going to spoon feed people like the OP any information so they can turn around and deconstruct me under the guise of caring. That kind of “help” can ultimately be the undoing of any blossoming relationship. This is something we all do. I’m certainly not above it. But I don’t pretend to care about that person’s welfare. People who are critical to be critical out of dislike and own it have my respect. At least they’re honest about it. Nothing makes me want to give someone the “Orly?” face more than pretend concern.

orlyemma

I can not state more emphatically that this kind of behavior is something single people should avoid at all costs. It is destructive. I read it here and on various sites and I just want to flick every single one of these people pretending to care about the single person’s issue in the forehead and tell them to beat it.

Emily, you don’t care about your friend, if this woman even exists. You’re looking for something else here. Not sure what that is, nor do I feel like expending the energy trying to figure that out. People like you are fatiguing in your ways. If you have something to say, just say it and spare everybody the agony of having to decode and decipher your intentions.

The Assumptions We Make That Keep Us Single

Posted: 21 Oct 2013 03:32 PM PDT

A conversation with a friend today made me realize that there are assumptions that we sometimes make in the dating process that ultimately paperbag-head become our undoing. Here are some examples:

1. Picking an expensive restaurant or bar at which to meet that cute doctor you met on OKCupid.- Just because someone works in a field that is known for it’s high income bracket doesn’t mean you should take advantage. This is a great way to lose points with a new possible partner.

2. Showing up for a date that was scheduled around dinner time and expecting that a meal is included. - Eat before you go out. Never expect that dinner will be included unless the invitation included a meal. Nobody is obligated to feed you except you.

3. Arriving at their apartment for your “dinner and a movie” date and expecting sexy time. – I’ve said this one before, I don’t go over to a man’s apartment unless I plan on sleeping with him. But not everybody thinks that way. Plan accordingly. The flip side to that is…

4. Inviting someone over to watch a movie and order take out and being shocked that they want to get naked. – Of course they do. That’s a big part of why they’re there. That doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them or that you’re obligated to have sex. Just understand that your guest is probably hoping for a little naked Twister.

5. Expecting to spend the night after you’ve had sex for the first time. – Not everybody does a full sleep over the first time. Often, especially for men, they weren’t planning on sex and so they didn’t bring a toothbrush or contact lens case or they have to be up early, etc. If they get up to leave, don’t necessarily think they’re trying to blow you off. If they said they had fun and want to see you again, believe them until they give you a reason not to.

6. Thinking you and they are exclusive – Unless it’s stated explicitly, you’re not exclusive. Read it. Learn it. Live it. You and they are both free agents until the terms of the love contract have been communicated and decided upon verbally.

7. Expecting them to look just like their photos. – Nope. Few people ever do. They might look better, they might look worse.

8. Calling them when they offer you their phone number. - Nowadays, it’s best to text first. If someone you meet online gives you their mobile number, don’t assume that means they want you to call them. So many people are phone avoidant these days that they probably won’t even answer

9. Freaking out because 24 hours has gone by and that person you normally talk to every day hasn’t contacted you. – First, you can always contact them. Second, sometimes people get busy or are thrown curve balls. If several days pass and you don’t hear from them, then freak out. But not after just one or two.

10. Thinking it’s a coincidence that a particular ex popped up just around the time you broke up with someone or happened to show up somewhere . – It’s a safe bet that an ex is keeping tabs on you in one way or another. If they show up mysteriously close to when you said something via social media about being recently single or right after you ranted at The Universe for sitting home on a Friday night, there’s a really good chance that person saw it and seized the moment.If you tweeted that you were going to be at a certain place at a certain time and they “happened” to shop up there, it likely wasn’t by accident.

11. Believing it was fate when someone says that you “popped into their head” or something similar and that’s why they decided to reach out to you. – If you have heard hide no hair from them in a very long time, then their re-appearance probably wasn’t motivated by nostalgia. They’re recycling. And I guarantee you weren’t the first person they reached out to and gave that line.

Any others?