And That's Why You're Single

Is It Shady That He’s Close Friends With a Woman? #atwys

Posted: 29 May 2014 06:18 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Tierragaslight
:
Comment: I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years (we are in our late 30's) a new single friend to both of us asks him over to her house for dinner. I asked would he be alone with her in her house and he didn't know. I asked was I invited as well. He didn't know I think this is a relationship issue. Especially after he told me he showered at her house, and then they had dinner and went out after for drinks. I said this is a DATE. He said well she is our friend. I said I have met her 3 times she is not a friend she is acquaintance. He said I am over reacting, I said she doesn't care about your relationship she just wants you.
Age: 35
City: Glen Burnie
State: MD – Maryland

Your guy is probably playing stupid. He knows he’ll be alone with her, and he knows it’s inappropriate of him to be accepting dinner invitations at a woman’s home.

All kinds of warning bells are going off in my head. He took a shower at her place? Nope. Noppity Nope Nope Nope. I don’t care how paranoid or jealous or whatever that makes me sound. Nope nope nope.But what really ticks me off is the whole, “You’re over-reacting” thing he tried to pull. That’s a trick many people use to try and make their partner think they’re going crazy. This is commonly referred to as “gaslighting.” The “Well, she is our friend” is another way he’s trying to make you think you’re going out of your mind. No, she’s not your friend. She’s his friend, and she doesn’t appear to be making any attempts to include you in their friendship. For a reason.

You’re not over-reacting. This woman is after your man. And the fact that he is playing coy and obtuse about it tells me you should let her have him.

This letter reminds me of a post I read yesterday on xoJane.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: My Boyfriend’s Best Friend Is Female AND His Ex, And I’m Fine With It

I happen to think that there's something else a bit nefarious at play in this whole "don't trust a guy who is best friends with a girl" thing. Women are socialized to view each other as competition- we compare our physical attributes, our careers, our status in life, the success of our various relationships, and so on. Men compare themselves to other men as well, of course, but there's no stereotype about men being "catty" to one another or that men will, as comedian John Mulaney put it, "just say weird, passive aggressive things" to each other. We've internalized the sexism that says we must do that "I'm not like other girls" comparative technique to prove that we're cool girlfriends, real women, etc. and it can so easily turn into this vicious cycle when you run into the boyfriend-with-a-female-best-friend situation: If you try to keep your worries to yourself for fear of seeming crazy, insecure or needy, then you'll almost certainly wind up accidentally acting out in a passive aggressive way that actually makes you seem like one of those crazy girls guys love telling stories about. (Disclaimer: The guys who talk about girls that way are generally jerks, so, you know, if you have found yourself the unfair victim of a bit of "crazy ex-girlfriend" slander, just be grateful you're no longer dating the creep.)

I’m uncomfortable with the idea that, if a woman is uneasy with her partner having a female best friend – especially one that is an Ex – that’s she’s feeling competitive or jealous.I don’t give a hoot about being a “cool girlfriend.” Female best friend who is your Ex? No fucking way. If you ask me, the Ex is a buffer of sorts.

I’ve been the female best friend, and I can tell you right now, I would hear allllllllllll the bad stuff about that guy’s relationship. That alone is the main reason why I would be uncomfortable with the M/F bestie dynamic (not to be confused with a guy who has some female friends). This guy and I built up such a deep level of intimacy that feelings and attraction inevitably developed. He actually had to tell me some time ago that he could no longer talk to me because he had feelings for me and it was affecting his relationship. Several year friendship over.

I had another Ex come to me, one in an open marriage, and we slept together several months back. He called me the next day upset because he “had” to tell his wife what he had done because he knew that he had crossed a boundary line they each had set about not sleeping with Exes. But he was afraid to tell her because “she’d feel threatened.” And you know what? She’d have every right to feel threatened. He and I have a history and established level of intimacy. It’s that intimacy that is the problem in many of these opposite sex best friendships. I don’t care how insecure it makes me look. I will protect what’s mine because I know how hard it is to find and how easy it would be to lose it. That’s not insecurity or jealousy. That’s common sense. I happen to believe that it’s both parties responsibility to hang on to the relationship. Assuming they won’t cheat because they said they wouldn’t is a one way ticket to Cheatersville.

Let’s face it. We, as human beings, can be weak. We can give in to temptation, and we are masters at rationalizing such decisions. It has nothing to do with not trusting my guy. It has to do with understanding human behavior and accepting that people screw up all the time. Nothing gives me a good fit of giggles like when someone says their partner would never cheat. Famous last words, kids. Famous last words.

When you accept that people are capable of anything and are, for the most part, self-serving in their choices, then you’ll understand why I give a huge “NOPE!” to the female/male best friend dynamic.

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