Attract Girls Now

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

How Thick Does Your Skin Have To Be To Date?

Posted: 09 Oct 2013 02:51 PM PDT

Name: JJ
:
Comment: Hi Moxie! I’ve been in the online dating scene for a while now (over a year), and so far I would say I’ve been unsuccessful. Like everyone I started out with an “ideal” of what I want in a match, but over time I’ve learned to be more open to different personalities. As long as I find some (even very little) physical attraction, a good amount of personality attraction, and they’re polite, I’ll agree to meet for a drink. Over time I’m noticing a pattern. Of course I’m not attracted to all the men I meet by the end of the date. Sometimes there’s just no chemistry and that’s okay. However with the men that I am attracted to, I feel like it is reciprocated, there’s some kissing involved, and then I never hear from them again. We communicate right after the date to let the other know that we had a nice date. But any communication I initiate after that, gets me no response (if they haven’t reached out within 3-7 days, I’ll reach out just to say hello). Now before you completely form your opinion of me, here’s a few other details to further inform you:

1. I’m definitely not a clingy or passive-aggressive type. If I’m not interested and I sense that you are, I’ll tell you as politely and directly as possible that I don’t feel there’s any chemistry. If I am interested I try to keep communication as I would a friend, week-to-week ish.

2. The men do sometimes ask to come home with me after the kiss, which I always say no. Sexual attraction and chemistry is very important to me, but so is everything else. I want to at least have a couple more dates before we jump into bed.

3. I do not dress provocatively (I try to look nice), nor do I conduct myself sexually in action. I don’t feel that a kiss at the end of the night is a signal of sexual promiscuity, but maybe you think differently. I really don’t try and push the sexual agenda right off. If anything I’m sometimes afraid that I might not show enough that I am in fact interested because I’m so busy being polite.

4. I know I seem to stress politeness a lot, I just feel like manners have become a dying trait in people especially here, and I was raised to always be polite and well-mannered and conduct myself so that I won’t regret it later. However this does not mean I am not direct or unfriendly. I’m a sincere person and try my best not to mislead anyone in my intentions but I am usually a very nice and considerate person.

Am I being too naive and just need to adopt a thicker skin? Is this just how dating in NYC is? Are these men not replying because they didn’t get sex and that’s all they really wanted? Is it a matter of just continuing to go on dates and finally finding one man who will communicate back? Is it something about the way I conduct myself that needs to change?

I’m alright if the man is not interested in me, but just tell me (politely). I’m finding the kiss and after-date communication misleading, and am completely confused as to why they just cut communication without any word afterwards.
Age: 29
City: New York
State: NY

Is it a matter of just continuing to go on dates and finally finding one man who will communicate back?

Yes.

Obviously there’s more to this. But without seeing you or knowing the men I can’t determine what. If you’re not getting any second dates, then there’s a problem. Guys will go for the kiss or ask you to come home with them strictly because you’re there in front of them. It doesn’t mean they’re all that into you. So if I had to guess what the problem is, I’d say that these men aren’t feeling the connection you’re feeling.They’re maybe moderately interested in the moment, but the next day decide they’re not. Or they had other coals in the fire and just decided to focus on someone else. Or they were out of your league. It could be that you’re picking guys who are mostly one and doners. They go out on dates hoping for sex, don’t get it, then disappear. If you’re meeting them all online and never getting second dates, then it’s also possible that your pictures aren’t accurate.

I can’t pinpoint what the issue is because I have limited information. So, I’m going to go back to my opening statement and say that you definitely need to develop a thicker skin. As frustrating as it can be at times, this is dating. You can’t over-think it to the degree that you did in your letter. You’ll drive yourself crazy. Just because you act a certain way doesn’t mean other people will. That way of thinking is also probably hindering you. Take pride in your politeness, but don’t use it as a benchmark as to other people’s value or worth. You’re you. They’re them. I would actually start with this issue first. You might be expecting too much or putting all of the onus on the guy to make things happen. If you want to go out with someone that you met, ask them out. Don’t send baiting or leading texts. Be direct.

Don’t take a passive role in this aspect of your life.

How Do You Upgrade A Date?

Posted: 08 Oct 2013 03:10 PM PDT

Name: Dori

Comment: How to politely upgrade the date?

Dear Moxie,

I keep being asked out for first date coffee, and I am in full agreement with you that coffee dates are lame. Usually I make a joke, and suggest meeting for drinks instead to which the guys always acquiesce. I decline appetizers, drink one glass of wine, and reach for my purse at the end of the date (some guys allow me to pay my share, some don’t, it is no big deal for me either way).

Now I am being asked out for first date coffee again, but I am going to be busy in the foreseeable future. I would like to suggest meeting him for lunch on a weekday instead. I am however concerned about coming across as someone looking for a free lunch, which I am not. I will happily pay for my lunch, but how do I navigate this conversation? Thank you.
Age: 42
City: Suburbia
State: MA

If you’d like to meet for lunch, then suggest lunch. And then..wait for it..pay the bill. You want lunch? You pay for it.There’s no rule that says he has to pay even if he was the one to initiate interest. If you’re going to eat a meal and bring him to a venue where he’ll probably feel obligated to order food, then offer to pay. Grab that check when it comes and say, “My treat since you were so great to agree work around my schedule.” Because that’s what he would be doing. Forget about rules and protocol and how it will look and what will he think. Just tell him that lunch time would be ideal for you given your schedule. Don’t tell him how you’re going to be busy for the forseeable future and that’s why it needs to be lunch. He’ll probably bail. I would. That’s actually kind of rude. It puts a damper on the whole prospect of meeting.

Not that I think lunch dates are ideal. I don’t. They’re worse than coffee dates. They’re usually held in the middle of a work day and people only have a specific window of time. It doesn’t lend to a relaxed experience for either party.

To be honest, if you’re schedule is that jammed that you can only do a lunch date then why not just post-phone meeting until your schedule frees up a bit? Personally, if a guy tells me in advance how busy he is or that he’ll be heading out of town in the very near future, I suggest we wait until his schedule is more flexible and he’s around. Momentum is very important. It’s hard to maintain a good momentum when there are these long gaps between the first date and second, third, fourth date.It’s also not fair to drag someone out to meet you if you know you won’t be around or accessible much in the coming days after that.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Signs He’s Trying To Break Up With You

Posted: 07 Oct 2013 03:12 PM PDT

Name: Rachel

Comment: I’ve been dating a guy now for a few months, and a couple of weeks ago the conversation of “where do you see this going” got brought up by him not me. Ultimately we agreed that eventually we wanted this to be exclusive with the whole bf/gf label. 2 weeks ago he went completely MIA, but then returned and hasn’t quite been the same since then. Last night while talking on the phone he asks me if I have ever dated anyone with a child & if it is hard. When I responded yes I had and it is hard why. His response was I’ve been talking to this woman with a kid and I don’t think I could date someone with a kid. First off we are not exclusive so I don’t care if he is dating other people but WHY would he even bring that up to me in conversation? When I asked him that suddenly I had an attitude problem. Do I let this play out, or do I say sh*t or get off the pot tell me what you really want.
Age: 31
City: Washington
State: DC

I’m going to kick start this post with a broad generalization.

For the most part, guys aren’t really anxious to have the “where is this going” conversation unless they are on the marriage/baby track. That’s the first red flag here. He opened the door to this conversation. The majority of time when men bring this subject up it’s because they’re trying to break up with a woman or slow things down. He’s broaching the topic in a way so that you will be honest. Then he can lower the boom. So, in the future, when a guy asks this question, be wary. If he’s shown no signs of wanting to settle down, he’s probably using that issue as a way to tell you he wants out.

The fact that he asked you about whether or not you’ve ever dated someone with kids further cements my previous thought. He’s bringing it up in hopes of picking a fight. He’s trying to offend you by talking about dating other women. You’ll get upset, and then he’ll use that argument to say he doesn’t think things are working. Which is exactly what he did. He was trying to piss you off so that he can use that reaction against you to justify ending things. That way he can convince himself that he did the right thing. He’ll make it about you and your attitude and your investment in the relationship and get all, “Whoa. Slow down there , Missy!” Things like this are done to create an opportunity, a window. If a guy “innocently” brings up what he’s doing with other women when not with you, leave. First of all, it’s disrespectful. Second of all, it’s passive aggressive. People like this are toxic.

A lot of people use tactics like this encourage a certain dialogue. He’s trying to break up with you. He is telling you what he wants. He’s just not telling you directly

Sunday, October 6, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

What Do You Do When They Don’t Look Like Their Photo? Like, At All?

Posted: 06 Oct 2013 03:00 PM PDT

Name: Anna

Comment: Hi Moxie,

I have a question that I have to imagine a lot of fellow online daters are wondering:

How can you avoid (or at least minimize) going out with people you meet online whom you’re then not attracted to in person?

I feel like I have posted completely truthful photos of myself and my body online (and I have asked friends of both sexes to verify this). I’m probably what’s considered conventionally attractive (thin, blonde, etc.). Thanks to that, I get a lot of messages (I’m on both OKC and Match). Since I signed up (1 year ago), I have gone out with 75 men (yeah, I kept count – it’s become practically a second job for me). That being said, I have easily gotten over 700 messages, so I’m not just going out with whoever messages me.

I do care a good amount about physical attractiveness – I want someone that I am attracted to physically. I was very attracted to the photos of every single man I went out with; however, in person, over 90% of them looked really different. I felt completely deceived in half of the cases – the person looked so different I was shocked and not even sure if it was him. I’m not just talking about adding an inch or two to height (which I’m fine with). I’m talking like it could have been someone else when I saw them. The photos many of these guys seem to post are the most attractive photos ever, taken from the best angles and in the best lighting (and possibly even retouched – who knows) – they look very little like this in real life.

I know my photos are truthful since almost every single one of these 75 men has wanted a second date, and many have actually remarked that I looked far better than my photos in real life (perhaps because they were just expecting photo attractiveness inflation on my end as well!).

So, I have 2 questions really:

(1) How do I avoid this in the future? Do I just do more due diligence? Ask them to add me on facebook so I can see more photos? Ask for their full name so I can google them? Most of these guys had at least 4 photos posted anyway, though.

(2) If I arrive to a date and the man clearly really, really misrepresented himself physically, what should I do? So far, I’ve just been being polite – having a quick drink with him and saying I have to leave in an hour. I don’t want to be rude, but is it ever acceptable to just show up, and say sorry, I have to go (with or without an explanation) upon seeing him if he’s drastically physically different compared to his photos?

I know you might think this isn’t that big of a deal – so, what – I waste an hour of my time with someone I’m not attracted to. But it’s getting exhausting to keep showing up and feeling deceived by the other person. I work a lot, and my time is valuable, and while I understand everyone exaggerates a little in online dating, I want to stop being so wildly deceived.

Thanks a lot.
Age: 29
City: New York City
State: NY

The unfortunate truth is that deception has become an integral part of dating. Not just online dating, either. By deception I mean stretching of the truth or lies of omission. An inch here, a few years there. We shave, we add, we spin. All of us do it. Those who swear up and down that they’re “totally honest” in their profile are all kind of precious. They’re also the ones who don’t date much or enjoy sitting behind their laptop and moralizing. Good for them.

So the first thing you need to do is expect that someone will not be exactly how they seem. There’s probably going to be something about them that is inconsistent with how they have presented themselves. Also acknowledge that we have a tendency to formulate images in our head of who this person is, compounding the inevitable disappointment.

Some people flat out lie. Others, and I think these people make up the other half of the segment, genuinely believe that they look the way their photos make them look. In preparation for my photo shoot, I read up on how to pose and how lighting and angles play a part in the captured image. I also learned that our brains play a big part in how we see ourselves. So someone might have their picture taken and think they look exactly like the person in the photo. The problem is that that is a one dimensional image that was snapped under a specific kind of light and catching us in a certain moment. We might resemble that person somewhat, but in regular light and normal circumstances, we look different. So a profile photo should never be taken at face value. There will be similarities, hopefully. But there will be differences.

Now that we’ve gotten the realities of this topic out of the way, let’s talk about ways we can gauge or get an idea of how someone will look in person.

First, if the person posts only one photo, you can expect they’ll look nothing like it in person. They’re posting only one because it is the most flattering of them and because they can’t find any others that match it.

Next, if their photos are taken at angles or never show them face on, you can also assume they’ll show up looking like a Picasso. This is why I tell clients that they MUST include one picture of their face taken from a straight on angle. No profile shots, no lighting tricks. You want to see them in normal, every day circumstances, like at a bar or outside or in someone’s home. None of this fancy schmancy early morning sunrise or sunset pics in front of soft light.

Also, you need to be able to see a noticeable similarity between all of their photos. They don’t have to look exactly the same in every shot, but you should be able to recognize them.

There’s a debate as to whether people should use photographs taken by professional photographers. Many photographers now offer a service where they take pictures for clients that look like regular candids. (The photographer from my shoot does this.) I will use two of the pictures I posted here last week, but I’ll have at least 3 regular pictures taken by friends so that people could compare and contrast. I would not use a set of professional photos for your profile without including shots of you that were snapped by friends.

Wearing sunglasses in more than a couple photos should also be considered a red flag. Definitely if they’re wearing them in their primary photo.

The photos should be clear or even crisp. Fuzzy photos or ones with an orangeish tint or that are stretched typically mean that they were taken with outdated cameras. They are older photos and are now pixelated. As mobile phones continue to be improved, so does the clarity of the photos taken by the camera on that phone.

Those are the technical tips that I can pass along. Now for the ones that require a little critical thinking.

So you come across a hottie on OKCupid or Match. The first thing you need to ask yourself is why someone that objectively good looking is using a dating site. I’m talking about the people who are really, really ridiculously good looking. Why are they there? They could be on that site for the same reason you are. They don’t have to be lying. But you should still have that thought in your head as you read their profile. No red flags? Okay. Proceed.

Next up is how eager or available they make themselves to meet. If they appear to be dragging their feet, it’s quite possible that they know – because it has happened before – that their date will be disappointed. They’re aware of their deception and are nervous about meeting.

Finally, ask yourself this: are you wildly shallow? Yes, attraction is important. You’ll get no argument for me on that one. But if your primary reason for meeting someone is their looks, then you’re contributing to the outcome. Because, see, that’s exactly what those people are hoping for. That’s why they’re posting such incredibly flattering photos.

To be honest, I don’t understand how you could have so many instances of there being a great disparity between how someone looks in a photo versus in person. It happens once or twice and you learn pretty quickly how to spot those people. If these guys are all posting recent photos and putting up 3-5 and they look reasonably similar in each, something is off with your story. You don’t appear to be learning the tricks. Either that or you’re ignoring your experiences strictly because they’re very attractive.

700 messages across two sites in a year isn’t all that impressive. I’m 44. I get the same amount. We are women on an online dating site.You’re presenting yourself as selective, but are you? Because it sounds to me like you’re overlooking obvious red flags strictly because a guy is really attractive. That’s the number one reason why people end up on the dates you describe.

Friday, October 4, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

The Quickie – The Things Men Do/Say Just To Get Laid

Posted: 04 Oct 2013 08:03 AM PDT

Name: Diane

Comment: I met this guy online a while ago, and at this point enough stuff has happened that I’ll just provide a list of things that I like and things that worry me.

Things I like:
- he lives 2 hours away, but offered to drive up to take me out to dinner for our first meeting
- he says he likes talking to me, and indeed we text a lot and talk a lot about subjects I would consider deep
- he pays for everything
- last time, he blew off plans with his best friend to have dinner with me
- he always replies promptly

Things that worry me:
- he isn’t so keen on driving up anymore. He told me on our first date that he was curious if the person behind the online profile was real, so I guess now that he’s sated that curiosity, I’m not that attractive anymore.
- he has texted me barely at all since the last date
- he never makes future plans
- he asked me down to his place, but never said when exactly
- leaving, he thanked me for the wonderful time and said, “see you around”. I took that to mean that it’s over, so I was very surprised when he texted me a couple days later.

I’m pretty insecure, so obviously I’m trying to send some mixed signals myself. I don’t reply to him when I feel like he doesn’t want to continue the conversation, I don’t text first after a date, and I’m doing my best to appear non-clingy and non-committal. I don’t share personal information. I can recall a few times when I came off as rude.

But I don’t understand why he’d be so attentive yet refuse to drive up to see me. I understand that he works, hates driving, and has a busy schedule, but he summoned the strength to take me on that first date, right? I think I like this dude. I’m actually rather upset about this.

I texted him this week that I’ll be in his area for the weekend. He immediately offered to take me out. This time I won’t have time for both dinner and sex, so I guess that will determine if he’s going the motions for sex, but I guess I just want to know, is he not that into me, or is it me?
Age: 24
City: Hanover
State: NH

He was low on sexual options, which is why he made the effort to drive. He wasn’t curious to see if you were real. That was just a disingenuous compliment used to prime the pump. He was also offering a phony excuse for why he had to drive two hours to meet a woman rather than meet someone closer. The last thing he wants you to know is that he can’t get laid locally. Also? He didn’t blow of plans with his friend. That was probably a lie to make you feel special, as most men are of the belief that women need to be able to justify having sex without commitment.

Just because he drives, pays, texts, etc doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. There are men with so much disposable income that they will fly across the country or even the world to get laid. None of these actions are indicative of genuine or long-lasting interest.

The first question you should have asked yourself is, “Why is this guy so eager to meet me when he lives so far away?” The next question you should have asked yourself is, “Why does he need to drive for 2 hours to meet women?” Then you should have wondered why he was making so much effort for someone he barely knows. This is all atypical behavior. This is not normal.

Since you didn’t make it a point to offer specifics, I’m guessing you’ve seen this guy once and that you slept with him on your first date. That’s the whole point of why men engage in extensive texting and invest this kind of time. They’re trying to build a sense of familiarity so that, when the time comes, you’ll be more willing to sleep with them.

This has nothing to do with you being too aloof or rude. This was always going to play out the way it did.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Are You Really As Special As You Think You Are?

Posted: 03 Oct 2013 02:32 PM PDT

Name: Amira

Comment: Is it normal to measure yourself based on your boyfriends dating past? I feel very unnerved by dating anyone whose dating past looks significantly different from mine. I have never been one to date a lot of people and I selected my boyfriends the way people select fruit at the grocery store – making sure I pick only the best ones for me. When I have dated guys who had a few relationships in the past there was no problem, I can respect that they dated women they chose for solid reasons/qualities, the same way I did with men. I feel weird (insecure? undesirable?) when I date someone whose selection process was different, when they dated lots of girls or dated very different types of girls. I dont understand and I cant relate to their decision making process or how I feel about being chosen by them now. I feel like I want to be chosen the way I choose – carefully selected and picked because this person is special and stands out from the bunch, not just one in a long list of merely satisfactory choices. If he dated 50 girls before me, what makes #51 any different or more likely to be special? Isnt he just grouping me with all of them? Is there another way to see this that doesnt always leave me feeling insulted?
Age: 25
City: Toronto
State: ON

I think you’re over-thinking this. I also think you’re gathering way too much data.

It’s normal to want to feel special. But it sounds like you want to feel extra-special. You’re free to have whatever process that works for you when selecting partners. But just because someone else doesn’t do the same amount of ground work does not mean they’re of lower quality or that they don’t think highly enough of you.

At your age, it’s typical for people to experiment. You can’t really put a cap on attraction and say that if someone likes X they shouldn’t be into Y. That’s not how it works. It doesn’t speak negatively of someone because they don’t have a laundry list of must haves in a partner. For some, it’s pretty simple. They just want someone nice who is fun to be around and that they find attractive. I would say that that’s what most men care about. Most of them aren’t caught up in where she went to school or whether or not she’s as intellectual or cultured as he is. People like that want to date carbon copies of themselves and think they’re so unique that they should be paired with someone on their level.

That you even know the romantic histories of the men you date tells me you’re digging for information. Seriously. Stop doing that. Few men want to date women like that. You’re vetting them in the wrong way. You shouldn’t care about their past and how many partners or lovers they had. None of that is necessarily indicative of anything. What matters is how they treat you. You’re spending so much time deconstructing these guys that you’re probably not getting to know them.

This all comes down to your ego. You want to feel like you’re better than other women. That’s really what the crux of this is. You spend an inordinate amount of time comparing yourself to other women, and that’s a dark path you’re heading down. The truth is that you’re probably not. Few of us are. Most men don’t take the approach to finding a partner as you do. They try on various women. If it fits, it fits. And bit fits I mean she’s attractive, likes sex, and is pleasant. Pretty simple, right? They don’t care about pedigree. They care about degree of difficulty. And you? Sound difficult.

Maybe you’re special. More than likely, you aren’t. You’re probably not as different or unique as you think you are. That’s not a criticism. That’s a reality slap.

This isn’t about the guys. This is a you problem. Not a them problem.

Protected: Too Legit To Quit

Posted: 03 Oct 2013 04:11 AM PDT

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Very Best 5 Tips for Getting Lots of Dates Online

I have a quick question for you : are you sick of not getting any dates ? The club and bar scene has dried up and isn’t the best place to meet hot girls and single women. Men (and women) have the tendency to tell lies and drink too much in clubs and get stupid. Make no mistake about it, right now online dating is where the dating world is really hopping. Meeting dates online does indeed have numerous benefits. It’s easy to get lots of practice, even if you are timid or shy. Instead of being judged by your looks, you will judged by your profile and personality. If you meet someone who is annoying, you can just log off and forget them. You can check up to 200 profiles in a half hour, all possibilities for you to enjoy (or not enjoy). It’s much easier to get to know people when you can chat online without much pressure. Don’t fret, the online dating scene isn’t just for fat, acne faced losers any longer. In reality, recent reports have shown that the major dating sites are approximately 60 to 70% females. So is it really possible to meet an attractive mate online ? Absolutely yes, but you have to follow the right steps or you will just end up wasting your money. Here are some tips to land yourself a date tonight. 1. Choose the most proper dating site – To pay for a site or not ? There are a lot of great free websites out there like Plenty Of Fish and Just Say Hi. The fact of the matter is, most pay sites will usually yield better results though. 2. Write an effective personal ad – No matter how you look, how old you are, or how much hair you have, THE most important part of online dating is your personal ad. If you can make a profile that is attractive you will have no problems meeting new people in no time. An effective profile will multiply the response you get. Keep it light and funny. Don’t be negative or mention how desperate you are. 3. Give compliments sparingly – One thing that will turn people off quicker than anything else is if they feel that you are not being honest with them. If you give too many compliments, too quickly people will think that you have an ulterior motive. Don’t make that mistake my friend ! 4. Don’t rush to meet up – The great part about meeting people online is that you have the opportunity to get to know them before you meet them. The reality is that this is a dangerous world and while it isn’t likely that you will meeting a psycho, it is always a possibility. Take your time and get to know you new love interest before you met them, it will also make you look less desperate. 5. Don’t send too many messages – If you send too many messages too soon you will come off as desperate and needy. No one wants someone who is too needy. When chatting online, you have the opportunity to take your time and think out your messages. To end this post... I wish you the best of luck with all your new dates my eager little friends !

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