And That's Why You're Single |
| How Thick Does Your Skin Have To Be To Date? Posted: 09 Oct 2013 02:51 PM PDT Name: JJ 1. I’m definitely not a clingy or passive-aggressive type. If I’m not interested and I sense that you are, I’ll tell you as politely and directly as possible that I don’t feel there’s any chemistry. If I am interested I try to keep communication as I would a friend, week-to-week ish. 2. The men do sometimes ask to come home with me after the kiss, which I always say no. Sexual attraction and chemistry is very important to me, but so is everything else. I want to at least have a couple more dates before we jump into bed. 3. I do not dress provocatively (I try to look nice), nor do I conduct myself sexually in action. I don’t feel that a kiss at the end of the night is a signal of sexual promiscuity, but maybe you think differently. I really don’t try and push the sexual agenda right off. If anything I’m sometimes afraid that I might not show enough that I am in fact interested because I’m so busy being polite. 4. I know I seem to stress politeness a lot, I just feel like manners have become a dying trait in people especially here, and I was raised to always be polite and well-mannered and conduct myself so that I won’t regret it later. However this does not mean I am not direct or unfriendly. I’m a sincere person and try my best not to mislead anyone in my intentions but I am usually a very nice and considerate person. Am I being too naive and just need to adopt a thicker skin? Is this just how dating in NYC is? Are these men not replying because they didn’t get sex and that’s all they really wanted? Is it a matter of just continuing to go on dates and finally finding one man who will communicate back? Is it something about the way I conduct myself that needs to change? I’m alright if the man is not interested in me, but just tell me (politely). I’m finding the kiss and after-date communication misleading, and am completely confused as to why they just cut communication without any word afterwards. Is it a matter of just continuing to go on dates and finally finding one man who will communicate back? Yes. Obviously there’s more to this. But without seeing you or knowing the men I can’t determine what. If you’re not getting any second dates, then there’s a problem. Guys will go for the kiss or ask you to come home with them strictly because you’re there in front of them. It doesn’t mean they’re all that into you. So if I had to guess what the problem is, I’d say that these men aren’t feeling the connection you’re feeling.They’re maybe moderately interested in the moment, but the next day decide they’re not. Or they had other coals in the fire and just decided to focus on someone else. Or they were out of your league. It could be that you’re picking guys who are mostly one and doners. They go out on dates hoping for sex, don’t get it, then disappear. If you’re meeting them all online and never getting second dates, then it’s also possible that your pictures aren’t accurate. I can’t pinpoint what the issue is because I have limited information. So, I’m going to go back to my opening statement and say that you definitely need to develop a thicker skin. As frustrating as it can be at times, this is dating. You can’t over-think it to the degree that you did in your letter. You’ll drive yourself crazy. Just because you act a certain way doesn’t mean other people will. That way of thinking is also probably hindering you. Take pride in your politeness, but don’t use it as a benchmark as to other people’s value or worth. You’re you. They’re them. I would actually start with this issue first. You might be expecting too much or putting all of the onus on the guy to make things happen. If you want to go out with someone that you met, ask them out. Don’t send baiting or leading texts. Be direct. Don’t take a passive role in this aspect of your life.
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| Posted: 08 Oct 2013 03:10 PM PDT Name: Dori Comment: How to politely upgrade the date? Dear Moxie, I keep being asked out for first date coffee, and I am in full agreement with you that coffee dates are lame. Usually I make a joke, and suggest meeting for drinks instead to which the guys always acquiesce. I decline appetizers, drink one glass of wine, and reach for my purse at the end of the date (some guys allow me to pay my share, some don’t, it is no big deal for me either way). Now I am being asked out for first date coffee again, but I am going to be busy in the foreseeable future. I would like to suggest meeting him for lunch on a weekday instead. I am however concerned about coming across as someone looking for a free lunch, which I am not. I will happily pay for my lunch, but how do I navigate this conversation? Thank you.
If you’d like to meet for lunch, then suggest lunch. And then..wait for it..pay the bill. You want lunch? You pay for it.There’s no rule that says he has to pay even if he was the one to initiate interest. If you’re going to eat a meal and bring him to a venue where he’ll probably feel obligated to order food, then offer to pay. Grab that check when it comes and say, “My treat since you were so great to agree work around my schedule.” Because that’s what he would be doing. Forget about rules and protocol and how it will look and what will he think. Just tell him that lunch time would be ideal for you given your schedule. Don’t tell him how you’re going to be busy for the forseeable future and that’s why it needs to be lunch. He’ll probably bail. I would. That’s actually kind of rude. It puts a damper on the whole prospect of meeting. Not that I think lunch dates are ideal. I don’t. They’re worse than coffee dates. They’re usually held in the middle of a work day and people only have a specific window of time. It doesn’t lend to a relaxed experience for either party. To be honest, if you’re schedule is that jammed that you can only do a lunch date then why not just post-phone meeting until your schedule frees up a bit? Personally, if a guy tells me in advance how busy he is or that he’ll be heading out of town in the very near future, I suggest we wait until his schedule is more flexible and he’s around. Momentum is very important. It’s hard to maintain a good momentum when there are these long gaps between the first date and second, third, fourth date.It’s also not fair to drag someone out to meet you if you know you won’t be around or accessible much in the coming days after that.
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