Friday, March 14, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Red Flag 101: Guys Like This Don’t Exist

Posted: 14 Mar 2014 06:00 AM PDT


The other day I wrote a list of a few important dating realities. One of them was that if someone seems amazing and fantasticwaving-red-flag1 and they’re single, there is probably a reason. Of course, some people internalized that one and took offense. Because, see, they think they’re fantastic and amazing and they’re single and there’s nothing wrong with them. Allow me to clarify something. I’m not talking about your run of the mill great catch. I’m talking about people like the guy featured in these two articles.

Article 1

Article 2

Let’s highlight some of the major red flags.

From the article:

I opened his message on Wednesday morning, and immediately noticed how drop dead gorgeous he was. I'm talking tall, dark and handsome, straight-off-the-pages-of-GQ gorgeous

I’ve spoken before of how I raise my eyebrows at atypically good-looking people using online dating sites, but that’s not the red flag. The red flag is that he emailed her. If this guy is as gorgeous as she says, he’s being hit up by numerous women. We’ve discussed before about how people in high demand don’t typically have to send emails

After checking out his profile, I learned that he was my age, has a prestigious role at a well-known advertising company (which happens to be only one block from my office), that he's very well-traveled, has a great education, is witty, athletic, spontaneous and overall too good to be true. But what did I have to lose?

Next red flag? He seems too good to be true. What do we say about people like that? Right.

Before I knew it, I was agreeing to dinner and drinks the following night.

Dinner on a first date. They live in NYC. Who does dinner on a first date? Guys with no experience and guys who just want to get laid, that’s who.

I usually don't accept dates so quickly, especially with a guy that seems so out of my league,

I shouldn’t even have to continue beyond this. She said it herself. This guy is out of her league. Game over.  That’s all she needed to know.

"I'm actually going to Europe for the weekend. I have some friends and family in Italy that I've been meaning to see, so I'll fly out tomorrow morning and come back Sunday night," he told me, as if he were telling me he would be grocery shopping and doing laundry all weekend.He went on to tell me how he tries to travel as much as possible to escape the city and experience other cultures. And how Europe is a frequent destination because  he played professional basketball there for a while. Oh and also, he has an apartment in Italy that he needs to sell soon, since it's just been sitting there. I continued to grill him about his travels and his basketball career, hoping to catch him in an obvious lie, but I didn't.

Now, maybe this guy is telling the truth. He could be. But if he’s not, you’re not going to catch him in a lie. Why? Because he’s practiced this story. Plus, she’s already demonstrated that – despite knowing in her gut this guy is too good to be true – she went out with him anyway.

The bartender waltzed over to us and I immediately thought we were going to be scolded for the PDA, but instead, he looked at us and smiled. "I hope I'm not interrupting, but you two look SO happy together. What's your secret?"

Ok. People don’t do this. Not in real life. The hard-core cynic in me thinks this guy took her to a place where he knows the staff and that he got the bartender to come over to the table and say this. I actually hate myself for thinking that.

An hour later, we called it a night, though technically it was morning. We sent a few texts back and forth after we parted ways, and upon my arrival home, I immediately fired up my MacBook Pro to Google him, praying that I wouldn't find out that he wasn't real. I let out a deep sigh when everything he told me checked out. The next day while I was on the elliptical at the gym, I felt my phone vibrating from inside the cup holder. I opened it to find a photo of the Trevi Fountain at night, lit up in all of it's beautiful glory. "Thought I'd share," he wrote. "Next time, maybe you can see it in person with me."

?

On to the 2nd date:

After dinner, we went to a small bar nearby and snagged a corner booth where we were able to talk more about our experiences and failures in dating, drink some good tequila and sneak in some of those kisses that made me weak in the knees the first time we went out. "What are your plans next Saturday? I want to see you again," he said.

Planning the third date before the second date ends. Not always a reds flag, but in this situation it is a red flag. If you want to get laid, then it doesn’t hurt to feign interest in future dates.

When we finally decided to call it a night at 2:30 a.m., he wrapped his arm around me, kissed my forehead and said, "I think I'd like to take you off the market soon."

After two dates, before he’s slept with her. Okay.

GQ had extended an invitation earlier in the night to stay at his place, and told me to think about it, but I remained unsure. I didn't want to rush things, and I'd made it perfectly clear that I was looking for a relationship, not a hookup, so I worried going home with him on the second date might send mixed signals. But by the end of our date, I felt so safe and at ease with him that I knew I'd be in good hands. Things just felt natural. Even telling GQ that I had my period was easy."I just don't want to say goodnight yet," he admitted, "and if that means you wearing my sweatpants in my bed and just having you with me all night, I don't care about your period"

Yeah. Here’s the thing. A guy will be satisfied with a blow job. If he’s desperate enough to get laid, he’ll even plow through and have sex with a woman while she’s on her period. Most guys don’t really care about the mess or inconvenience. And, like I said, there’s always oral.

We stayed up for a while, slowly stripping each other out of our clothes and making out in every room in his apartment. We ended up in his bed, falling asleep to his iPod when I coerced him into telling me what we're doing on Saturday. It turns out, he bought to tickets to a Broadway show I'd mentioned I want to see, and crossed his fingers I'd be able to join him. If I couldn't, he figured he'd "cut his losses."

Oh. More money spent? Well then he must really like her if he’s spending all this money, amirite? To a guy who jets to Europe for the weekend, $200 tickets to a Broadway show means nothing. Since he works for an advertising agency, he probably got the tickets for free. He’s likely letting her infer that he spent a lot of money on the tickets.

The next day, GQ texted me to see how the rest of my day went and to tell me that he didn't want to wait to see me until Saturday. He invited me over for TV and takeout tonight, which I happily agreed to. The more time I spend with him, the easier things seem to get.  All of the other second (and third and fourth) dates I've been on with guys in the past have been full of questions, concerns and red flags that I've always tried to ignore, hoping that the guy would grow into being right for me. For the first time in years, I don't have to ignore anything. At least not yet.

But..she is ignoring red flags. She admits it.  He invites her over for their third date the night after their second date? How come this amazing guy who should probably be beating women off with a stick has so many nights available? Someone like this is not just picking anybody. If what he says is true, this guy has quite a bit to offer and protect. He’s not risking all of it for some random girl he met on OKCupid. Why? That’s the question any woman in this position should ask herself. Why si somebody who seems like such a catch a) single and b) so willing to commit so quickly?

The worst part is reading the comments on these posts and hearing all the women congratulating and encouraging this woman. There were only a few comments pointing out that everything about this guy feels wonky and off.

Maybe I’m just ridiculously cynical. Maybe this guy is some uber-wealthy,  Italian ex-professional basketball player  with model good-looks who jets to Italy for the weekend and professes his affection after 2 dates. Maybe. Or…this guy has his act down pat.

If you know someone is out of your league, and they’re making this much effort, something is off. I’m sorry. I’d love to push along those romantic rom com fantasies, but I can’t.

Guys like this don’t exist.

Am I being too suspicious?

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