And That's Why You're Single

Re-Post – I Have No Desire To Be a Man’s Placeholder Girlfriend

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 12:39 PM PDT

Name: NB

Comment: Moxie,

I’m a 40 yo single woman who has usually had a boyfriend, hence, I just started online dating about 5 months ago. Needless to say, it has been a disappointing and discouraging experience. I’ve never proactively dated, so I’m on the naive side. I do look 6-10 years younger,(and yes, I know every girl says this, but I’m happy to attach pictures to confirm)and am often asked out by men in their late 20′s to early 30′s. I recognize that these men have no interest in a relationship, but I’m always up for a fun night so I occasionally go. When I first started online dating the endless parade of dates was fun and exciting, but it got exhausting fast. 80% of them were unattractive or incompatible, and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand. Mind you, OKC was my site of choice.. so now I’m trying to limit myself to men who want more than a one night stand and to that end, will be upgrading from OKC to match.

My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material, or should I limit myself to 45+ yo men? As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.
Age: 40
City: Brooklyn
State: New York

and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand.

I’m going to blow your mind right now. Ready? I will bet any amount of money that Mr. Relationship was part of that 20%. Here’s why I know that: because most women haven’t a clue as to how to determine whether a man is just looking to laid. Unless these men came out and told you they just wanted a one night stand, you have no evidence to back up your theory. All you have is years and years of crappy advice from your girlfriends. Something you’ll need to understand about men and dating now is that they prefer sex to happen sooner than later. If it doesn’t, or there’s too much challenge presented, these guys won’t think twice about Fading on you and looking elsewhere. Because they can. They have options that you don’t. So while these men in the 20% might have made a sexual comment or two or invited you back to their place, what I bet many were doing was testing the waters to see how you reacted. If you got uptight or defensive, they assigned you a high level of difficulty and mentally kicked you to the curb. I happen to think that the days of men judging women for having sex too soon are pretty much gone, save for the men here and there with the fragile egos.
My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material,

For the most part? No. Certainly not if they want children. But you’ll pursue them anyway, I’m sure because you’re convinced that you look young enough to be considered relationship material by them. That’s why you made it a point to mention your youthful appearance. You were setting up your defense. (And mind you, I wrote that part before I even read that last line.)

should I limit myself to 45+ yo men?

I don’t know if I would say that you should “limit” yourself to them. I think a better word is “focus.” You should direct your attention and efforts to meeting men in the 45+ range if you seek something committed and long term. If you seek a relationship, then you need to be looking at the Divorced Dad crowd and the guys in their mid/late forties to early fifties. Which isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t understand this whole thing about not wanting to date guys in their mid-forties. Yes, I know. You’re really active and fit and still dance like nobody’s watching, like when you were 25. You know what is the best thing about dating men 45 and older? They actually want you. Unlike those 38 year olds you’re hanging your hopes on who might date you for a few months until someone younger comes along. Because she will.

As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.

Nope. They pretty much still prefer younger women. The ones who are open to dating a woman of 40+ are in pretty high demand. If you want them, then be ready to go to the mattresses, because you will have stiff competition. Age trumps hotness, I’m afraid. Except with the younger guys. They just want to bang you for the story and experience.

I realize that this isn’t what you wanted to hear. But the fact is that you’ve had a string of boyfriends and nothing appears to have resulted in what you wanted. Or maybe it did and you’re just looking for a guy to date for a little while. I don’t know. What I know is that you’re now 40 and you’re doing what you can to find reasons why you can’t meet someone appropriate. It’s not OK Cupid’s fault. Welcome to dating at 40. Match isn’t going to be much different, especially if you try to get the guy in his thirties. This is what it’s like. You had 15+ years to find your Mr. Right. For whatever reason, none of those worked out in the way you wanted. Now you’re hoping that lightening will strike again.

The problem isn’t an algorithm or a website. You’re grappling with facing the reality that this is how dating is for you now. I’ve noticed that the women who return to the dating scene at some point in the last few years struggle the most. The dating landscape has changed and will continue to change change rapidly. It’s just..harder now. Especially for women our age. I’ve said this before: the 37-44 year old men in Manhattan and even Brooklyn aren’t looking for us. You’re going to have to branch out and start looking in Connecticut and New Jersey or even further. If you insist on local, then you have to channel your search and make yourself available to the 45-50 crowd. A lot of men 40-45 are still hanging on to the possibility of having children. Even if that pang to reproduce is faint, those guys are going to naturally seek out women they believe are of optimum child bearing age.

Dating isn’t like a vending machine. When the last Snickers bar is gone, the universe doesn’t magically put 10 more in your path. Your choice is to wait around for someone to come along and refill that option or select the Twizzler or Baby Ruth. Yeah, it’s not what you originally wanted. Someone came along before you and bought that Snickers before you could have a chance. That’s what it’s like to date at 40 in Manhattan or probably any other major city where there is an overage of single women to single men.

You can continue to pursue the late thirties to early forties guy. I’m not saying that getting one of them to commit is impossible. What you have to ask yourself is whether the frustration you will experience by holding out for them is worth your time. You also have to consider is whether or not you want to take those hits and run the risk of becoming less available and more impatient. There really is nothing more sad than listening to a woman in her mid-thirties and older complain about online dating and dating in general. The stench of bravado and remorse in her words is a pungent one.

NOTE: My opinion on this has not changed a bit. I have no desire to be somebody’s Ms. Right Now until they find their Ms. Right. Nor do I have the energy to deal with the dramatics involved trying to compete with women 10 years younger than me, especially when the “prize” is a man. Oh, so you’re 38 and date men in their twenties and thirties? Spectacular. When one of them marries you or settles down with you long-term, do come back and let us know. Because that’s what women like the one who wrote this letter are looking for. Looking for something casual and short-term? Great. Godspeed. You won’t have much of a problem getting a guy under 45 who wants marriage and kids. Personally, I don’t have the stomach to be someone’s placeholder.

Personal Blog – You’ve Got Issues

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 12:37 PM PDT

I got word yesterday that my Brother in Law had been approved as administrator to my late sister’s estate. This only came sexy_feet_wine_bottle after he ignored all attempts made by my sister to file for the position himself. She had to file to have the court appoint a representative. Then and only then did he decide to take action.

I was asked to submit an letter testifying to the various ways we had attempted to open lines of communication concerning the balance owed on the promissory note we had inherited. I backed out last minute, choosing to disengage from all of this. The money I’m owed is just not worth the problem that it is created. My sister accused me of not honoring my father. From the moment my Dad died I made a promise that I would honor him the way I knew was most important to him, and that was living up to my potential. That’s what I have been doing. And doing exceptionally well.

When my sister’s health took it’s final bad turn, one of my first thoughts was that she needed a power of attorney and a will. The process to turn the deed and title of the condo where another sister lives had just been completed. My four sisters and I were now equal owners of the property. The decision was made months before that to sell the property, as the sister who resides there was not able to keep up with the payments required each month. The risk of each of our financial futures was too great to hold on to the property given my sister who lives there having a very, very modest monthly income. (Oh, her inheritance? Yeah, that’s gone.) The plan initially was to sell the condo and my other sister would rent an apartment for the sister leaving the condo. That plan got shot to shit whet tensions between those two sisters reached a fever point and my sister who was going to lease the apartment reneged due to my other sister’s persistent financial issues and flair for creating drama.

Which brings us to yesterday. My Brother in Law is saying that he paid the 150K promissory note in full, which for all we know could be true since there’s no record of anything. My personal opinion? There’s still a balance on the note owed to the estate. But that’s just my opinion. Of course. And on top of that, just as we were about to list the property that my two sisters and I have been financing for 9 months, my sister currently living there refuses to sign the purchase and sale agreement. So now the sister who was going to lease her an apartment is going to file to evict her. Because, why not just make all of this that much more ugly? This process means that we would lose close to 50% of the fair market value of the property. So basically, nobody cares about anybody but themselves. All of this stopped being about my father a long time ago. Oh, hey. Remember him? Don’t worry. Everybody else forgot him, too.

In the comments last night somebody brought up “my issues” and how I don’t think I’m deserving or worthy of love. You know, maybe they’re right. Not about the last part, but the first. I have issues. As a girl friend told me last night, I have lived an especially closed off life. Now maybe you can begin to understand why.

I would never describe myself as closed off. Cautious, maybe. Guarded, for sure. But I let people in. I just don't let a lot of people in. I never needed to. I suppose that stems from growing up and being shown, time and again, that the only person I could ever really count on was myself. My sisters were all much older than I was and my Dad worked a lot. That's probably because being home with us reminded him that my Mom was gone. After my mother died I pretty much had to fend for myself. I learned not to need much in terms of an emotional support system.I never really saw that as a negative. I still don’t.

I was talking to her about my writing project and how I’m trying to make one of the scenes have a particular impact on the reader. She said that I needed to take the character beyond a cliche. She needed to be more than some woman who didn’t need a man or who wasn’t comfortable being vulnerable. That’s something I’ve known from the moment I started this project. I made it clear to my writing coach that the narrator would not be a cliche. In any case, I had to go back and re-tool a few scenes so that, when the do learn of one or two specific plot point. they will be a gut punch. Sunday’s episode of The Good Wife (Oh. My. Gardner.) made me realize just how invested in characters people can become if they are well-crafted. That’s the effect I want to achieve. But to do that, well, I had to do some emotional spelunking. With all of yesterday’s dramatics, it wasn’t difficult to find that place. I am the way I am after a life time of conditioning. Take it or leave it, folks. But that doesn’t mean that who I am is broken in some way.

For the most part, the comments here are tame. I honestly can’t bring myself to have a reaction to the very rare mean-spirited ones. Sorry, but I’ve been through too much in the past two years to muster much of a reaction. I am just about bullet proof. Again, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it will keep me single for the rest of my days. Maybe it will keep my going until I do meet someone. I don’t know. I’m not terribly concerned with that right now. My priority is carving out a life for myself in case that doesn’t happen.I’m finally working on something that has me excited, that I look forward to writing every day. That’s enough for me.

Everything else, the family shit storm, random commenters, dating, etc are way down on the list.

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Thursday, March 27, 2014