And That's Why You're Single |
| How Long Do You Date Before You Get Engaged? Posted: 11 Mar 2014 06:10 AM PDT Name: Ashley I feel quite hurt about a few things and I’m not able to let them go. For instance I wanted to go on vacation with him, he said we could use some vacation time and then planned a ski trip with his buddy. He later planned a big vacation with me but it took 90 days since I expressed a strong desire to go on vacation. I feel like that is too long and it frustrates me. In addition, he was going to leave his military career to a reserve + civilian job so he’d be home more for a family. He accepted the job but now seems like he’s waffling. He’s depressed about his career. I really wanted this to work but it’s nearing our 1 year anniversary and I feel like I should end things that we won’t marry -he has no plans of proposing soon even though we talked about it before, the topic of marriage just isn’t given enough weight to me. He’s not a great communicator but that is him..it’s hard to decide what to do. He is my best friend and ha most all of the quality of my dream man except I’m not sure he will ask me to marry him. What do you think is the right plan of action? I feel I should break up with him because I can’t risk not getting married and having kids to wait for a guy that may not marry me. It sounds like you just want to get engaged. You don’t appear to really care if the whole marriage things actually works out. A year isn’t a very long time. In my personal opinion, it’s not enough time to determine how compatible a couple is. The first year is Easy Street. You know how parents always fear the “terrible twos?” Do you know why that is? It’s because, by year 2, the baby is developing an independence and personality. Babies are all kinds of adorable when all they can do is sit in a swing or wobbly chair and coo. They’re not as cute when they’re tearing down the curtains because they’re using the sheaths to gain their balance. They’re cute when they find their foot or nose. They’re not so cute when they throw their strained peas on the floor because they don’t want to eat them. Right now, your relationship is the cute baby. You’re just beginning to cut your teeth. In the first year, it’s all about going along to get along. The second year is when the growing pains start. A year from now, I can assure you that there’s going to be something that happens that puts a strain on your relationship. Maybe you’ll search for a new apartment together or one of you will change jobs. Whatever it is, some kind of shift will occur. That’s when the rubber hits the road. There’s a distance between you and your guy. You don’t see each other every day. You get to have an ongoing Honeymoon period. Spend a few months together in the same city and see each other every day with no breaks. That’s when you and your partner will really learn just how compatible you really are. The last thing you want to do is rush to get engaged and then be locked in to getting married before you and your partner have really begun to understand each other. The other thing I want to add is that it’s probably unwise to be this fixated on getting engaged. Okay, so maybe all your friends from high school or college are engaged or married or having kids. Good for them. Half of them will be divorced in ten years. I read updates and tweets from women every week bemoaning yet another engagement announcement on Facebook or how the relationship they’re in now is so special/different/better than any other they’ve other had. These public announcements and declarations are the equivalent of publicly holding a gun to their boyfriend’s heads. Don’t you dare break up with me. Propose or else. It’s painful to watch. Not only are these women making themselves look like horribly insecure, but they’re making their boyfriends look weak and passive. Just because you had a conversation once about potentially getting married or how you want to get married doesn’t mean that a proposal is on the horizon. You have to understand that a lot of people, when faced with an awkward conversation, might just say whatever it is they think their partner wants to hear to avoid a fight.You also need to understand that there is no such thing as being “pre-engaged.” You’re either engaged or you’re not. The last thing you want is for someone to propose to you because they’re afraid they’ll lose you if they don’t. |
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