And That's Why You're Single |
| If Someone Blows You Off, Should You Contact Them Again? Posted: 03 Feb 2014 02:48 PM PST Name: Lisa I would either eat the loss or re-gift the puzzle. You’re looking for an excuse to reach out to him, but you’ve already done that and it doesn’t seem like you got the response you were looking for. Continuing to try and create or orchestrate conversation will make you appear like you’re trying too hard. If he wasn’t even gracious enough to respond to a text that you sent him after you went out a few times, then why reward him? All that will lead him to believe is that he can blow someone off and they’ll still seek out his attention and approval. In the future, don’t reach out to people to chastise them for not responding to you. Maybe he thought it was the more humane way to handle things. Maybe he’s just a jerkface. The why doesn’t matter. Confronting people like that will always, and I mean always, make the person doing the confronting look bad. It’s one thing to follow up one last time just in case something got lost or overlooked or forgotten. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But guilt tripping someone you barely know rarely ever ends with them offering a sincere apology. Nor does it typically lead to another date. I would also avoid buying gifts for people that you are casually dating. Not only does it often lead to situations such as yours, but it reveals a level of investment and interest that might be premature.
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| Lying Is An Essential Part of Dating Posted: 03 Feb 2014 05:12 AM PST Name: BNina Fast forward four months later, and we have been texting almost every day since we met. (He initiated the texting). Although it is for the most part sexual/superficial texts, he does keep saying things like “I can’t wait to see where this goes” and mentioning meeting up (he travels a lot for work)to which I told him I was able to and willing. Then, four months into this, one day he doesn’t respond to a text. I waited a week before sending him off another one and no response. Finally a week later I text him again to say hi and ask him if he is done with this to which he responds “No! Please don’t stop texting! You just need to bear with me when I get slammed at work and have to travel. I’m sorry I haven’t texted”. Ok. But then it happens again. So now he’s texting every week. Fine. But I think it’s weird given it was almost daily, and also, when I just say hi, in this day and age of cell phones, it should take him a second to say hi back, not a whole week. I’ve had plenty of men pull the fade on me, but usually after a week or a few dates. Never after 4 months of almost daily contact. I’m getting mixed messages. Why say he DOES want to keep texting? Why say things like he can’t wait to see where this goes? Why does he mention meeting up but won’t make concrete plans? What’s in it for him? He’s in his 30′s, has a really good (but demanding) job. He travels a lot for work. I’m sure he gets laid alot. Why would any guy do this for four months straight? I’m experienced enough where I don’t build illusions or waste time on one night stands esp. ones that live so far away. But I’m not sure why I can’t shake this one off – a gut feeling tells me this is special and there’s something there.
Why say he DOES want to keep texting? Because that’s more polite than saying that he doesn’t. What’s in it for him? Attention. I’m sure he gets laid alot. Exactly. Why would any guy do this for four months straight? Do what? Send texts? This doesn’t involve any kind of Herculean effort on his part. Bee boop bop bop. See? I just wrote a text. I’m experienced enough where I don’t build illusions or waste time on one night stands Are you sure? Because this letter says otherwise. a gut feeling tells me this is special and there’s something there. Ah, yes. The “gut feeling.” Also known as our worst enemy fueled by too many rom coms. You have built illusions around this guy and the night you spent with him. To him, you’re a woman he met in a bar that he tried to have sex with. He took your number or offered his because, why not? It’s the polite thing to do in those circumstances. The text flirting is a fun and a nice ego boost for him. But for you it’s something more. It means something, as you consider the time and effort involved to hint at true investment. That’s where most of us go wrong. Engaging in months long text exchanges really doesn’t involve or require much effort. When you broke the week long silence and asked him if he wanted to stop staying in touch, of course he was going to say no. That’s what most people would say. He’s trying to detach from the situation. So let him. As I’ve mentioned many times now, sometimes people just..say things. The words they form sound right at the time. They might even believe that what they’re saying is true. They’re not trying to be misleading or hurtful. I would guess that often times they don’t even know why they’re saying what they’re saying. That’s why you can’t read too much into them. Where situations like this go wrong is when people take responses to the next level and become effusive and disingenuous. When you asked him if he preferred to cut off the texting, he could have and should have said, “Sorry, work has me out of touch for the foreseeable future.” Boom. Done. BTW, that would be a lie. He’s lying when he says he’s too slammed to text with you. That’s why saying something like, “No!! Please don’t stop texting!” is unfair and inappropriate. He’s encouraging you to text knowing he’s “slammed” with work and that you’ll have to “bear with him.” People aren’t wrong or bad to lie in these situations. But they are wrong to pretend to be more interested than they actually are. Lying and diplomacy are two very important skills to master in order to date successfully. Take a step back from this and listen to yourself. Other than the several months worth of electronic messages, what about this is special or unique? What has he done – done, not said – to make you think he thinks this is special? You can’t shake it off because you believe that his willingness to text you for so long must have meant something. It did. To you. To him? Probably not so much.
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