And That's Why You're Single |
| Even If He Thinks You’re Nuts, He’ll Still F*ck You Posted: 06 Feb 2014 02:55 PM PST Name: Dori Comment: Dear Moxie, I am very confused by the further development of the ‘Why would a guy turn down casual sex?’ story. To summarize: I met a guy, he seemed into me, I responded in kind, on the second date I unleashed the crazy, he backed off and friend zoned me, I unleashed more crazy culminating in throwing myself at him, which he shot down and stopped communicating with me. But he did not unfriend me on a rather obscure social networking website which he introduced me to earlier. I was posting on it every day, and he would sometimes ‘like’ or comment on my posts (nothing flirty, just friendly but distant). I never ‘liked’ or commented on his posts. Few days later I unleashed more crazy (on that site). He asked for clarification, I unleashed even more crazy and he ceased ‘liking’ and commenting, but still did not unfriend me. I was surprised that he did not unfriend me, but thought that perhaps he wanted to monitor my mental state. So I pulled myself together, and continued posting whimsical, relatively sane, and increasingly cheerful posts. Then I missed one day, because I was busy dumping (or rather DTMFA-ing) my (now ex) lover of six months. Then I posted two more times, and then missed few more days because I was ill. Then out of the blue (three weeks after I threw myself at him, and two weeks after he stopped all communication) he commented on my next post, and on every post since. In one of these posts I mentioned my slowly returning sanity. He asked for clarification. I decided to ‘come clean’ (bad idea, I guess). I apologized for unleashing the crazy on him and sucking him into the drama he had little to do with. He asked for further clarification. I explained that for the last six months I was seeing someone, whom I dumped last week while I should have done it months ago. That while I genuinely liked him, the crazy intensity was most likely the result of the emotional turmoil due to that someone. And that I wish I met him when I was more sane. He asked whether I am more sane now. I said that I am getting there. Since then we are constantly in touch. He is being friendly and a little flirty, I am being distant and cautious. My propositioning him never comes up in conversation. In the mean time I continue dating other people. Questions: Thank you
I was going to ask what DTMFA meant. Then I remembered that I didn’t care. He thinks you’re crazy. That will never change. You’ve proven him right several times now with your little public melt downs on social networking sites. He follows you because he’s amused by your drama. And if you’re writing cryptic updates that sound like they could be about him, well, even better. Then he can get a visceral charge from thinking he made you bonkers. You’re looking for possible signs that he’s still interested in you. I totally get that. I have done that myself. This guy very well might be interested, but he’s interested in you for the wrong reasons. No respectable, sane, mature, rational person is going to seriously consider dating someone who goes on any kind of public forum and spews their crazy. Not happening. In the rare instances where it does happen, it’s because both people are out of the minds or somehow benefit from the other person’s instability. People like this guy will always resurface. Always. It’s what they do. It doesn’t surprise me to hear that he didn’t unfriend or unfollow you on whatever social media site you belong to. First of all, unfriending/unfollowing/blocking is nothing more than a petty and stupid way to tell someone that they hurt your feelings. It’s childish. And pointless. I doubt most people can even be bothered doing such a thing unless they truly felt threatened. Opportunistic people like this LOVE social media. Know why? Because it allows them to stay connected to people without actually being connected to them. It’s a way to keep tabs on people without making much effort. That way they can orchestrate run-ins and conversations without looking weird. They can keep up with your moods and day to day goings ons and strike when they feel the moment is right. This is one of the numerous reasons why I’ve ceased discussing my personal life publicly. It makes you vulnerable to people with bad intentions. Here’s an example. Last week I got an email from a guy I dated many, many years ago. He’s the one who showed up at my door at 3am a few months back. Turns out he was going to be at the very same bar on the very same night where an event we were promoting was being held. He emailed me to give me a heads up, lest I think that he had somehow planned for that to happen. He didn’t want me to feel “ambushed.” I replied and told him that it wasn’t a problem and that I wouldn’t be there as it wasn’t my event. But then a thought occurred to me. How did he know I was involved with that event? So I asked him. He said that the guy he was going to meet ran a meet-up group and posted the event and so he decided to plop the event title into the search bar to see what other groups were participating. Do I believe him? Nope. Just like I don’t believe the guy who said it was a coincidence that he randomly showed up at a bar one night where my company was hosting an event. Just like I didn’t believe the same guy who said he pre-emptively blocked me on Facebook because he read an article I wrote about social media and felt, due to my opinions on the platform, it would be best for all involved if I didn’t see his page. These guys wanted to create drama. This guy you keep chatting with? Yeah, he thinks you’re crazy. But he’ll still have sex with you. He doesn’t think you’re dangerous, but he definitely thinks you’re unhinged and desperate enough that he can get one over on you. You don’t want this guy. He’s pretending to care. I see guys do this all the time. They see a vulnerability and they prey on it. Get it together and stop discussing your personal dramas publicly.
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| Should He Tell Her She’s Not Tight Enough For Him? Posted: 06 Feb 2014 05:41 AM PST Name: Otter Comment: I have been dating a girl for the last month and it’s gotten physical a few times now, but it’s somewhat unsatisfying. I’m a decent sized fellow, if you get my drift, but she still seems rather…loose. She isn’t having any problems with how the pieces fit, but I am. Is there a polite way to tell a girl you’ve recently started sleeping with that she needs to do kegels? I’d like to keep seeing her but sex is an important part of the relationship. It needs to be good for me to stay and right now it’s definitely below average. Or should I just move on?
This question reminds me of the comments we got on a post about oral sex. Some guys were insisting that that they looooved going down on women…as long as she had recently showered and shaved and was all “clean.” Those guys truly believe that they are all down with going down, but they’re not. Saying that a woman has to be recently showered and “fresh” in order to orally pleasure her reveals way more about a guy than he realizes. To a guy like that, the vagina is dirty and smelly and gross or they feel inadequate in some way and are just looking for an excuse not to perform oral sex because they fear they won’t be able to satisfy their partner. If we only ever went down on someone if they were neatly groomed and “clean” we’d almost never go down on someone. Reasonable and experienced people know this. Mature folks are well aware of everything that occurs in that region and understands all the possibilities of what could pop up in terms of what we smell and taste. But guess what? We do it any way because either we love it or we know our partner loves it or both. Yep, might have to deal with a stray hair between your teeth or chaffing or could catch a whiff of something a little musky. It happens sometimes. But we work through it. If you’re into it and you care about your partner, an initial slight stench or change in taste doesn’t deter you. It’s the human body, not a field of roses. Same goes for the idea that a woman isn’t “tight” enough. Orly? Are you packing a rolling pin? The problem isn’t her perceived “looseness.” Well, that’s not true. The problem is her perceived looseness. But it’s the figurative “looseness.” Get my drift, wink wink nudge nudge? Otter fears his partner has “been around” since her vagina doesn’t possess some sort of Kung Fu Grip. Because that’s a totally reasonable expectation to have of an adult woman who has had a healthy, normal, active sex life, right? I mean, it’s our job to keep our pelvic floor nice and tight so we can please our man, amirite ladeez? We have to make sure we can accommodate all of their girth..because that’s a given, right? That every man we ever sleep with will be well endowed and we’re never, ever, ever disappointed? Oh, wait, it’s not? You mean, sex isn’t like what we’ve seen in porn? Well, that’s disappointing. Look. The problem isn’t your partner’s vaginal muscles. The problem is your insecurity and fear that she’s had more experience than you and that you might not be able to satisfy her. That’s it. Just by submitting this question you’re revealing your own inexperience. Date someone for any extended period of time and have a regular sex life and guess what? It won’t feel the same as it did in the beginning. Science, bitch. You’d know that if you dated anybody for longer than a month or two. But since you actually think this “problem” is a problem and want to suggest to your lady friend that she do kegel exercises, I’m going to guess that your relationships don’t last very long. Oh, hey, want kids? Yeah? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there’s a real chance that the mother of your children might experience some changes “down there.” Oh, you thought her vagina would stay exactly the same or think that it’s okay if that’s what causes her vagina to be less tight? You. Are. PRECIOUS. How about you just be grateful for the fact that you managed to find someone willing to sleep with you and quit yer’ bitching? Take it away, Lafayette.
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