Attract Girls Now

Friday, October 18, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

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Do Men *Really* Want To Be Just Friends With Women?
Why Don’t Men Like To Date Women With Kids?

Posted: 18 Oct 2013 06:57 AM PDT

Do Men *Really* Want To Be Just Friends With Women?

Posted: 18 Oct 2013 05:43 AM PDT

Name: Steph
Comment: A little background:
I just started medical school in a new place, far from my boyfriend, family, and friends. I’ve had a hard time making new friends. But I’m normally a happy person who’s deeply interested in other people. My friends tend to be women, gay men, and literary types of all stripes. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a very happy two years. We’ve been long-distance for a year but we visit each other every month, Skype every day, and travel together twice a year.

Story:
Over the course of this fall, I met two extraordinary people whom I wanted to befriend. Both were male grad students in the humanities.

I met the first one in a cafe when I asked him to watch my stuff while I used the restroom. Our conversation lasted for two hours, spanning everything from opera and philosophy to current events and God. I mentioned my boyfriend several times. I gave him my number after he asked if we could stay in touch. We ran into each other the next day and had another lovely long conversation. Since then, I’ve only gotten a couple tepid texts/emails from him in response to my two dinner invitations.

I met the second one at a classical-music concert. He was extremely polite and kind. Everything about him—clothes, speech—made me think he could be gay. This conversation was also so much fun. He also asked to keep in touch, saying how refreshing it was to meet a kindred spirit. We exchange contact info and he suggested hanging out the following week. The next day, I emailed him specific times that I could meet. I haven’t heard from him since.

My question:
Am I doing something wrong? Is there some etiquette for making platonic male friends that I’ve forgotten? My boyfriend thinks they just happened to be busy/flaky. There was mild flirtation in both cases, but I never touched them except to shake hands and I certainly didn’t invite them over or anything.
I’m so sad to have lost these potential friends.

PS: Physically, all these guys are more attractive than me (me = 4, my boyfriend = 8, first dude = 10, second dude = 6). In terms of social skills, I’m a 9, my boyfriend = 6, first guy = 7, second guy = 6.
Age: 25
City: Providence
State: RI

Question: Do the women that you try to befriend act similarly? Are they receptive to your platonic overtures? If you’re experiencing similar reactions from both, then there might be something about your approach that is setting off some warning bells.

In this letter you’re focusing on your two attempts to establish friendships with men. Maybe there have been some examples of similar interactions with women. I don’t know. I can’t help but wonder why these particular situations have you so perplexed and whether or not it has anything to do with the fact that they are men.

Broad generalization alert: as men get older, few have little use for female pals. It’s one thing to have a pre-existing romantic relationship and to stay friends. It’s another to try and develop a friendship with some random guy outside of your social circle. When you’re in your twenties and group dates and social interactions are more common, it’s natural for friendships of the non-sexual variety to develop. There are commonalities involved that make the friendship easier. You shared a class together, he dated your friend or his friend dated your friend, he lived on your floor in college, etc. There’s a connection that justifies the friendship and makes it less complicated. There’s also a trust and understanding of each other. Things could still get sticky, but the men aren’t as suspicious of a woman’s intention when they share a background or social group.

These men don’t know you. They don’t know your boyfriend. They have no idea what your agenda is. Therefore they likely don’t fully believe that you just want to be friends. You made it a point to mention your boyfriend, so it could be that they don’t wish to appear to be jumping in on another person’s relationship or sneaking behind someone’s back. They also might be hesitant to be friends because they don’t want to be your replacement boyfriend while you’re away at school. Also? There’s little to no chance of sex. Most guys aren’t really down with being a woman’s gal pal. You might not think you were flirting, but your perception of these situations doesn’t matter. What matters is how they interpreted your actions.

Then there’s the fact that you reached out to both of them and tried to make plans. And not just plans, but in the case of the first guy, dinner. That doesn’t say platonic. That says intimate. Maybe next time suggest they meet you and some of your friends at a bar for happy hour first. You have to work up to making one on one plans. That first guy assumed you were trying to get a meal or a date out of him. He knew, since you repeatedly mentioned your boyfriend, that sex was unlikely. So he passed.

walker2

The second guy also probably felt a little put off by how eager you were to hang out again. If he is gay, that doesn’t mean that he’s fabulous and looking for women to hang with because he’s gay. That’s a stereotype. Not every gay man wants to be the Will to our Grace or the Jack to our Karen. (Though, let’s be honest, we’d all love to have Karen Walker as our friend, amirite?) Then there’s the possibility that he wasn’t gay. Not every guy who is impeccably dressed with a lilt to his speech is gay. Yay for more stereotypes.

I have two thoughts about this:

1. You’re looking for a guy to hang with because you miss your boyfriend.

2. You’re coming on too strong and scaring these guys off. Personally, if I were to meet a woman or man out at jury duty or at the gym and exchanged info with them and they immediately jumped to contacting me and suggesting we go out, I’d be hesitant. I have issues with stuff like this. I don’t like to bring anybody into my life who seems too needy or anxious for friends. I’m not good with having people become that dependent on me that quickly. I just don’t like it and it makes me feel obligated and pressured. Friendships are not much different from romantic relationships. You need to appear as though you have options and that you are choosing to include them in your already well rounded life.

I would set up some group situations and then try again with these guys. Give it a couple weeks or so and then organize a night out with classmates and invite them along.

Why Don’t Men Like To Date Women With Kids?

Posted: 17 Oct 2013 03:18 PM PDT

Name: M. bedcouplekiss

Question: Ok so here’s my dilemma and I would like an honest answer from men.

I just turned 37 and I am a single mom of a 5 year old boy. Everyone that first meets me thinks I’m in my late 20s and for that I am thankful. I take good care of myself and so forth. However on the dating scene, I am not having much luck. I was dating a guy for about 10 months but he was also 10 years younger than me which is the first for me. I was totally weirded out about it but he assured me he didn’t care and that he loves kids and all of that and to be honest we had a very good synergy to the point that the age didn’t really matter. Well so..that didn’t work out and when the it came down to it, it was my age and the fact that I had a kid. Ok thanks for that. Anyway, I have since talked to a few other men (my age group) and I’m getting alot of hesitation because I have a child. Why is that? I am a good looking woman, I have a good job, I take care of my home and my kid so why is that an issue? Is it because a man won’t get all of my attention all the time? Because if I’m dating someone that I like and want to get to know, I make time, even if it’s in the evening for a few hours to hang out. This is starting to annoy me and I would just like to know what the REAL issue is here because I feel like I’m starting to lose faith in men and I don’t want that. I want to find someone I can share my life with.

Thanks.

-M
Age: 37
State:

People are hesitate to date someone with kids because it’s difficult.Scheduling dates is inordinately difficult, there’s a lot of concern about staying over, weekends are almost out of the question depending on their child’s age and their custody agreement. It’s tremendously difficult. Somebody 35-45 years old doesn’t have to tolerate any of that because they have enough options.

Guys your age can still get women who don’t have kids and with whom they can have their own. They don’t have to (nor do they really want to) financially support another person’s child. And no matter what you say, in some way they will be. That’s your answer in a nutshell. You need to be dating men in their early/mid-forties or older. Preferably divorced men with kids of their own who understand your lifestyle and that your child takes top priority.

Yes, younger men will tell you that neither your age nor the fact that you have a child are an issue. They will lie. Or they’ll be too immature to be thinking more than a step or two ahead and won’t consider what dating someone ten years their senior with a child entails. Nobody gets it until they do it. It’s a daunting proposition for many.

The solution for you is pretty simple. You’ll just have to let go of your desire to date men your age. It’s one of the tougher things about dating as a single woman over 35, but it’s crucial.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

How Come We Have The Best Sex With The Worst People?

Posted: 17 Oct 2013 12:34 PM PDT

Name: Ale
:
Comment: Hi there!

Great website. It´s the only one I´ve seen which has a Friends with Benefit section. How cool!

And speaking of that matter…

Here´s my question.

I´ve known this guy for 11 years. (Eleven years! I know…)
It was lust at first sight for both of us.
We became a couple short aftewards, and sexual attraction has been the best of my life. (same to him).

Relationship was really intense, and like all intense things, quite temperamental nevertheless. We were fighting or having sex.

I moved to London so we split up.
Since then, relationship has been on and off.

During those years, every episode we saw each other went more less like this: sex-laughter-fight-drama. I made all dating errors known to date. Nagging non stop, chasing him, writing him over dramatic emails…sigh.

He contributed to the crappy dynamic as well. His routine was: contact me, propose a date, be really enthusiastic about it, firing me up… and ended with a last minute cancellation. M o s t of the times. Needless to say, I went ballistics.

Two years ago, I had another relationship who taught me so much. I became assertive, and learned how to comunicate myself much better.
I became very clear on what I would invest in a relationship and what I was willing to tolerate or not.

All lessons I learned (with someone else) were put to the test last year. He (the 11 years guy) was living in Paris, and invited me to visit him. He sponsored every penny of that trip.

We had a fantastic time. We didn´t fight, not once.
Along the time we spent together and natural frictions arose, I was able to pick up my battles, ask for what I wanted in a clear and easy way, and must of all, enjoy every bit of it. He was astonished.

We became much closer, and sex became second plane.
We even admitted we had feelings for each other (yeah, zillion years later).

During my visit, he confessed me he was not having a good time in France, but he was too proud too admit it and go back home. I had a pep talk with him, told him life was too short to spoil it suffering, blah blah blah.

After the trip, we kept in contact permanently, something absolutely new and unusual in our relationship. Two months later, he rang me to say he had quit, and was coming home on summer.

This year, we spoke two or three times a week at least. We finally got to the point to speak out our minds no drama involved.

He arrived on september. I was counting the days to see him. He contacted me one day after he got back.
We set up a date. Needless to say, I was euphoric to see him.
It would be the first time we are ok, living in the same city. No drama involved.

Day came by, and he cancelled on me last minute. A G A I N.
He texted me saying a meeting came up, he couldn´t cancel, bla bla bla. Same old, same old.

I didn´t even reply to him. I was not willing to go back to that crappy dynamic again.
My logic was: if he doesn´t value my time nor my attention, I just won´t give them. Full stop.

If it had been his first cancellation, I would´ve understood. Everyone has unexpected affairs everyday. But he has done it too many times, and I´m sick of it.

He rang me that afternoon, and texted me a couple of times on the following days. No response on my end.

I can see he is really confused. My old response would be yelling, telling him off, etc. But not anymore. He has no clue what to do with my “new” reaction.

I could sense he is quite mad with his last text. He said: “So what? Are you giving me the silent treatment?”

I didn´t reply nor have heard from him since.
It really saddens me to see three texts are all effort he´s willing to make for me.

I just can´t get why he makes all this fuzz to end up doing the same bloody thing.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks a lot!
Age: 37
City: Mexico
State: Distrito Federal

Thoughts?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

The Savvy Dater: Don’t Get Ahead of Yourself

Posted: 16 Oct 2013 06:17 AM PDT

Name: Dori

Comment: Multidating quandary

Dear Moxie,

Few months ago I returned to OKC after a longish break. My intent was to find myself a lover (casual sex blended with romance), as I did not think that I can find enough time and energy for an LTR (kids, work, commute, etc.), and few weeks later I found just what I was seeking.

But here is the catch. We are not in relationship, hence are not exclusive, and both are active on OKC. So I am continuing going on dates with other men. Yesterday I met a new guy, and for the first time I had a feeling that with him I actually would be interested in exploring something long term. So assuming he is interested too (which obviously is not yet clear but not outside of realm of possibility), at which point would I have to stop seeing my current lover?

Thank you,
Dori
Age: 42
City: Suburbia
State: MA

You’re putting the cart before the horse. It’s been all of one date. Don’t start thinking ten steps ahead, or you will most assuredly botch this and end up dancing alone.

You went from thinking you didn’t have time for a full-time relationship to now thinking that you do. That’s a drastic change in a short period of time. It seems to me that you’re dying to tell this lover of yours about your potential new boyfriend. Why? Because you want to see how he reacts.

That you can go from wanting something part-time to full-time so quickly tells me that you were always capable of and interested in having a full-time relationship. But this guy you’re casually dating can’t offer you that. So now you’re hoping that you can light a fire under his butt to get him to offer more.

If this were a real quandry – which it’s not – you would stop seeing your lover once you and the other guy agree to be exclusive. Simple. The answer is quite clear. You’re creating a problem where there is none in order to provoke a response or progress in the current situation you have going on.

One date is not enough time to be thinking this far into the future. Right now, you should only be thinking one or two steps ahead. The more you over-think and over-analyze scenarios like this, the more likely it is that things will backfire. Take things day by day and feel these men out. More importantly, dig a little deep and determine what it is you really want and can offer. It’s as if the slight whiff of a possible relationship gets people worked up into a frenzy. Just because it’s being dangled in front of you doesn’t mean you have to bite.

Take your time and allow things to play out organically. If you do keep seeing this second guy and wish to pursue things on a deeper level, say nothing to the first guy until you’re sure you’re on solid ground. You’re not breaking any laws or promises by dating both of them. That’s how woman see these situations.

Women, when they are on the receiving end of this, say they’d want honesty and full disclosure. First, no they wouldn’t. Second, the guy usually isn’t obligated to offer either. The women just think they are. I can assure you that most men don’t play out various possibilities in their head. They date both until they decide what they want.

That’s what you should do.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

He’s Not Shy, He’s Afraid Of You

Posted: 15 Oct 2013 02:31 PM PDT

Name: Tracy

:
Comment: Any of your input/opinion would be greatly valued because I am a bit confused. Here’s my story:
I started going to the gym again and though I am no ‘gym-bunny’ and might appear a bit serious/conservative I much enjoy it and I guess that’s the reason why I seem to get quite a lot of attention from men there. Again, let me stress I am by no means a beauty, might have a pretty face but no model-body.

A few months ago as I was sitting at the reception there came a guy who is in the public eye, dated models etc. and when he saw me not only did he stare but as he left he’d push his face against the window just to take another look. There was noone around and he was looking at me–at that time I was pondering whether he mistook me for someone else. A few weeks later it happened again.

Not much after this he had a book published and I commented on a review about it to which he wrote back, never knew he’d read comments, thanking me for my honesty and also for my kindness. The comment did include my full name but not my pic.

Then a month later I again caught him staring at me from a hidden place (you know that feeling when after a while you just feel someone is watching you and you look somewhere and there is indeed someone staring. So he was).

Then again, a month or so later as I was at the buffet buying a soda he was there with his friends talking so loud it was disturbing–yet, since he is a known person I would pass by not looking at him so that he would not feel uncomfortable someone is staring. Then I sat down, his friends left and then I saw from the corner of my eye that he was staring at me. So, although I am shy but also playful, I decided I would just sit there and wait what happens: he kept staring when a friend of his came and offered to give him a lift that he wanted to refuse by saying he was waiting for someone…but his friend insisted they wait together and since the person he was waiting for never came for half an hour, they left.

In the gym I caught him looking at me quite a few times even if I avoid looking at him on purpose, but if I don’t know he came in I sometimes happen to look and if I would catch him looking at me and he would turn away almost in a demonstrating fashion.
Anyways, I did not want to be bothered by something silly as this…

But then happened again something strange: as I entered one of my fave eateries close to my home there he was sitting alone at a table and when he saw me he immediately ‘sank’ to his plate. The owner came greeting me ushering me to a table but I declined saying I was in a hurry and not looking at him I ordered some take-away. In the meantime he was sinking more and more into his plate. However, when my food was ready, as the owner handed the package to me he jumped up, threw his tray at the counter where I was standing so that I had to jump back otherwise we would have bumped into each other and he rushed out even though the owner was calling at him saying he left his dessert there that they haven’t served him yet. I also rushed out as this almost bumping into him upset me…and I don’t even know why…

Since then I haven’t seen him but I am much clueless, so any of your input I would greatly appreciate.

Did he connect my name on the comment and at the gym and freaked out? Is it that I scare him? I really really try to avoid and I do avoid looking at him…However, if I did freak him out, what should I do so that he does not feel like it?
And why does he stare? I really do not think I fall into the category of women he is after.
I also never would consider a known person as a potential guy to date. But then why am I so upset about all of the above? Can it be I fancy him just deny it even to myself?

It would be nice to talk with him once, maybe then all my uneasiness would go away…but how do I go about it?

Thank you in advance for all your input and advice.
Age: 36
City: New York
State: New York

So, just so I have this straight.

You see this guy in the gym, then “happen” to write an online comment about a book he wrote, then you “happened” to be in all these other places at the exact same time as him?

I think he thinks you’re stalking him. He’s staring because he’s uncomfortable. You’re not randomly encountering this guy. You’re following him around and putting yourself in his orbit intentionally. While I don’t think you mean him any physical harm, I do think it’s alarming that you are relaying this story as though it’s all happenstance and coincidence. Tracy, you’re following this guy. It’s making him nervous. Stop before he decides to escalate things. There is no way to salvage this. You have been labeled a stalker. Leave him alone.

Behavior like this is only considered cute in the movies. Like I said, I don’t think you’re dangerous, but I do think you sound wildly inexperienced when it comes to meeting men. This is not how you demonstrate interest. You have to respect other people’s boundaries and personal space. It’s one thing to create opportunities for you and the object of your affection to run into each other. That’s acceptable. It’s entirely another to do it over and over again. Nobody likes to feel like they’re being watched, and that’s probably how this guy is feeling.

You can’t approach this guy. He’s going to get really freaked out. Back off now.

Finding a Man Is Not a Contest

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 03:23 PM PDT

Name: Amanda
Comment: I think I might be my own worst enemy. I recently started dating a guy I’ve known for years, but only as an acquaintance. He has every quality I’ve learned I want over my past serious relationships. We went on a first date and he was a perfect gentlemen and we have a ton in common. But he’s doing one thing wrong – contacting me too much. He wants to hang out every day, he texts/calls every day….but isn’t that what I should want? I’m ready to settle down (with the RIGHT person), and I really want that, but I am somehow only attracted to the men who don’t want me. The way to my heart is to ignore me and barely give me any attention it seems. Am I just not into this guy enough or do I need to stop being a pain in my own ass and go for it? I think a part of me is scared to hold out and see if there is anyone else because the good ones are all slowly being taken away from us – and this guy is a Good one! A part of me loves being single right now but I don’t want to end up with 8 cats alone in my apartment. I’m at the age where it seems like things don’t move slowly – in the past, I’ve led guys on only to end things and have them hate me because it didn’t end in marriage. I don’t want to do that again but I need more space/time from guys. Why are some of them so stage 5 clinger and others so commitment phobe?! I guess I don’t know what I’m asking you really, but any wise advice for my age group?
Age: 26
City: Dallas
State: TX

You’re not ready to settle down and don’t know what you want. That is the answer to your question.

Maybe these guys aren’t 5 stage clingers or commitment-phobes. Maybe that’s just all in your head because you really, really enjoy and thrive off all the drama that dealing with these guys involve. You’re creating all this internal conflict yourself and performing for the masses instead of just being true to yourself.

If you don’t want the guy to call every day and try to make plans, then nip it in the bud and either make plans with him or tell him you’re not interested. Prolonging this is not only completely unfair to him but only keeps you stuck in this drama-fueled place in your head.

You don’t want a relationship right now. Just accept that and act accordingly. Stop listening to people tell you what you’re supposed to want and who try to scare you into settling down. Don’t engage in stupid contests about who is dating whom and who got engaged and who is pregnant. Nothing is more poisonous to women than that. Understand this. Many (not all) of those stories you hear and read about are written with the intention of making you feel bad about yourself. Meanwhile, she’s had her man for a year, maybe two, and she’s planting some flag of victory. I’m so tired of the ways we try to one up each other under the guise of helping or sharing. It’s destructive. No, I don’t want to read your gravitas filled articles about how to plan a quickie wedding or whether or not you’re going to change your last name because you married a dude you dated for a couple months whose visa is expiring. Sorry, it’s not the same thing as a formal proposal or marriage. It’s not. Get over yourself.

But stories like that pop up all over the internet, day after day. Women who meet men overseas and decide four months later to get engaged despite barely spending anytime outside of Skype with them. 22 year olds jumping head first into marriages with guys who repeatedly cheated on old girlfriends and who hang around the Twitter feeds and blogs of exes hoping for a mention. Or something. Mazels! You got a winner! I’m so sure that will last.

But it’s a relationship! It means being able to show off a ring or photos on Facebook. More than that, it’s admission into some exclusive club. It’s not an expression of devotion and commitment. It’s a humblebrag. Look at me! I got a guy. That must mean I’m okay and better than you. Thank God I no longer have to DATE! Oh, you poor slobs! Here..do what I did!

Do I sound bitter? I suppose I am. Not because I’m not married but because I fall for this stuff just like everybody else. I allow myself to spiral down that rabbit hole and wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t snag myself a dude desperate for a green card or why I deluded myself to being with that person who treated me so poorly and oh god did I waste too much time? Why was I so lonely that I accepted that? Why didn’t I just get myself knocked up and he would have married me like he married his next girlfriend who got pregnant? Why did I ask him for more? Why didn’t I stick it out with him even though I knew we weren’t right for each other? I end up questioning myself, my life, and my choices. Even though I know the majority of those stories are told for the benefit of others and that I would never in a million years want to be in those situations, I still beat myself up. Which is the purpose of telling many of those tales, whether women will admit that or not.

Coupled up or on your own, you’re just fine. Commitment and Marriage are both tremendous undertakings that should be regarded and respected. They should not be used as a way to prove your self-worth to anybody.

If you decide you truly want a relationship, you’ll be able to find one regardless of your age. But right now, you don’t. And that’s perfectly okay. That’s why you keep finding yourself in these situations. Take some time to just figure out what you want and stop paying mind to stupid scare tactics.

Trust me, there are far worse things that can happen to you than to end up alone with cats.

And PS? That’s not really a thing.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Should He Wait To Tell Women He’s Divorced?

Posted: 13 Oct 2013 02:54 PM PDT

Name: Bob
Comment: I am 32 and have been divorced for a year. We started dating in high school, so my ex is the only person I have really seriously dated. Since this is the first time I have been single as an adult, and I have no clue where to begin, I figured online dating would be a good way to get back out there. I have tried OK Cupid, Match, and eHarmony for a few months with various levels of success. I think my profiles are fine, I have decent pictures and consider myself a somewhat attractive guy, so getting responses from emails isn’t a problem. My problem seems to be getting past the second date.

I have so far gone out with about 15 different girls, and I really can’t say I have had a bad date. They have all been over coffee, drinks, or a light meal, and none have lasted under 2 hours. It never seems like we run out of things to say or have any awkward moments, I always pay the bill and walk them back to their car, and I always come away thinking we both had a good time. After a day or two, I call and say I had a great time and would like to get together again. Half of them I never hear from again, some call or text back a couple times, but we never seem to find a time that works, and after a couple weeks it seems any momentum from a good first date is gone. I’ve only gone back out with about 4 of them for a second date, and none past that.

My only hypothesis is that being divorced at my age is a major turn off. Either that or I have been so far away from the dating game that I completely misinterpret what I think is a pretty good date. If I were 45 and looking similar aged women, there might be more of an expectation or acceptance of divorced men. But women in their late 20s or early 30s aren’t really putting divorced men at the top of their list.

There is nothing in my profile that says I am divorced (other than on Match which gives you the option for marital status), but I have always mentioned it during a first date, usually around the time we start talking about how long we have been doing online dating, what we think of it so far, etc. No one has really seemed taken aback when I mention it, but I don’t know what else could be causing all these girls to disappear after a date or two.

Should I try going a couple dates before mentioning my divorce, or does that seem like I am trying to hide it? Should I be more direct at the end of the first date and say something like “I would like to see you again, but will I be wasting my time when I try calling in a couple days?” Is there something else I am missing?

Thanks!
Age: 32
City: Seattle
State: WA

I’m not so sure that the fact that you’re divorced is the key to this. While I don’t doubt that it might give some women pause, I don’t think all of your dates are losing interest because of this. There’s a good way to gauge whether it is having an impact, and that’s to keep that fun fact to yourself for a few dates and see what happens.

A woman in her late twenties to early thirties can afford to seek something shiny and new. She has enough options where she can do that and risk the oh so dreaded ending up alone thing. Of course, by not telling her you might end up being deemed suspicious or shady. Because of you keep that to yourself why then you must be harboring a fugitive in your apartment or have a few Cayman bank accounts full of stolen money. By not revealing it, you are trying to hide it. A lot of people will understand that. But a lot won’t because they’re suspicious and looking for monsters around every corner and have horror stories of guys like you that they’ve heard from their disgruntled friends. People will have preconceived notions and opinions of you because you’re divorced. That’s normal. The question is whether or not you want to date those people.

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about an idea I had. I said that I wanted to create an FAQ page for this site for all the men who meet me online and either read this site once I give them the link or who figure out who I am before hand. (Feel free to leave your thoughts here about that page.) I’m at the point now that I regularly receive emails from guys telling me they recognize me, or that they showed my site to female friends who recognized me, etc. While I would never link to the site in my profile, I am upfront about it before we meet so that guys don’t feel they were tricked in some way. My plan is to address the common concerns men have. I could do that in my profile, but that will just ensure that they’ll read the site and it’s over before it started.

How does this relate to you? Well, my point is that these people are going to find out eventually that you’re divorced. Some might bail, but you probably didn’t want to date them anyway. That’s a lot of time and money wasted. Which is why I would state in your profile that you’re divorced, that the relationship is amicable and that it’s been awhile since your divorce. The fear, I think, about dating someone your age and divorced is that you’re not over it. The divorce itself isn’t the problem. Women just don’t want to deal with residual anger or trust issues or whatever. Just by bringing it up you’re ringing a bell. On a date, your divorce should not be a topic.

No, you shouldn’t ask a woman point blank if she’s going to reject you. That just makes you look insecure. If the date goes well, then you follow up the next day and ask her out. You don’t dilly dally with nice nice talk and allow the conversation to flail and wander.

Protected: Visiting Hours

Posted: 13 Oct 2013 12:14 PM PDT

Friday, October 11, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Dating When You’re Uncomfortable With Your Body

Posted: 11 Oct 2013 04:52 AM PDT

Name: Kira
:
Comment: I’m recently divorced after a long marriage and I have children.

When fully clothed, I look like I’m in good shape. I work out, I take care of myself, I have good genes and I look younger than I am (I have read enough of your blog to know you dislike when people believe this, so I had to make sure to include it just for fun – of course it’s totally true). I utilize Spanx and push-up bras to good effect – a stranger meeting me might assume I have a nice body. Men and women alike are surprised to find out I have as many kids as I do.

But I don’t really have a hot body. I mean, I had multiple babies – some women come out of that unscathed but not me. The only guys who’ve been asking me out lately are younger (29-33) and I go out with them because it will be fun but I also freak out when I think about how they’ll react to how I look undressed. It ain’t pretty.

I would like to start online dating and will probably look for men who are older than me and who have children, presumably because they won’t be AS shocked to see what my midsection looks like.

Anyway, to get to the questions – how do I manage my hope to date someone who has the same level of athleticism and care of their body as me with the reality that, despite all of my hard work, nothing but expensive surgery is going to make the private body match what the public sees?

Are all men going to be disappointed when they see the real me? Am I setting myself up for being dumped right after sex? Am I destined to only be desirable (even a little) to men who have worse bodies than I do?

It’s so unfair that women don’t get rewarded with BETTER bodies after childbearing.
Age: 36
City: St. Paul
State: MN

I think you’re being smart by focusing your energies on men with kids. You’re right that they have experience dealing with post-baby bodies and understand that pregnancy can drastically change a woman’s body. The younger guys are not going to get it. I rolled my eyes when I listened to Miley Cyrus’s interview with Matt Lauer the other day. She went on and one about how she had heard that, when people turn forty, they become less sexual and stop having sex. That’s a by-product of her age and likely her own distorted ideas about getting older. Guys in their twenties and early thirties have little to cull from when it comes to dating older women. Everything they think is based on stereotypes and exaggerated stories they’ve heard from friends or seen in porn. They’re used to younger women and haven’t seen many if any bodies of women after pregnancy or after her metabolism slows down.

A guy with experience knows that women use anything from make-up to a push-up bra to Spanx in order to help enhance their looks or body. They’re not shocked by her fresh face in the morning. They don’t expect her to look the same. There’s no outrage when she gets naked. She’s naked. They don’t care. They might be a bit shocked and a little disappointed if there’s a glaring difference, but if they like you, they’ll hopefully get past it. Only if they weren’t all that invested from the start or if they actually expected you to look exactly the same in and out of your clothes will they walk away. The only men who expect women to look identical in and out of their clothes are men who haven’t many women naked.

I think it would be smart for you, when creating your profile, to post photos that are accurate. That means you should include shots that aren’t of you with Spanx and push-up bras. That way you’ll be attracting the men who already have a sense of your body and there won’t be much as much disparity involved with the reveal.

Next, vet these guys as best you can. Take time to establish a rapport with them offline so you can get a sense of who they are and so you can be comfortable with them should things go to the next level.

Finally, and most importantly, accept your body as is. You have to get to a place where you’re happy with your body. It sounds trite but if you’re insecure about your body, that will make guys feel uncomfortable with it.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

Protected: It Never Ends

Posted: 10 Oct 2013 10:25 AM PDT

You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong. He’s Just A Douche.

Posted: 10 Oct 2013 06:08 AM PDT

Name: Feeling Pathetic
:
Comment: OK so, I started dating this guy for about 8 months. When we first started dating, he was absolutely wonderful. He took me on nice dates, danced with me, sang to me, called me every night. I met all of his family, all of his friends and he was happy and excited to call us a couple.

Fast forward to 7 months later, I am blind-sided when he tells me he needs some space. We live a hour away from each other and I only seen him on the weekends for the most part, I was confused by the “space” he needed, but I gave it to him because he was focusing on his job.

A couple of weeks later, after still calling me every night like clockwork, professing his love and telling me I am the greatest girlfriend ever. I tell him I need to see him and he asks me to meet him at one of our usual spots.

When I get there, he is telling everyone that I am the love of his life and how beautiful I am, we’re dancing and he’s singing in my ear, whispering that he loves me, kissing me. Acting lot more “in love” then usual.

I go back to his house, he makes me a drink and cooks me dinner. I drink, he pours me another and after my third drink, dances, and jokes…and after I’m feeling really great, he lays it on me: he’s still in love with his ex from two years prior! He then tells me that he’s talented and women love what he does, and that he just wants to be single and live life.

Still processing everything, I’m confused and I ask him if he’s been with anyone else, and he tells me he did sleep with someone (but not to worry, she’s no one he knew at all) and it was after we broke up (I didn’t know we actually broke up). He then fed me a bunch of malarkey about how I’m the best woman he’s ever been with and he wants to be with me in the future still.

So here are my questions:

1. Who does that?
2. Why did I let this make me feel like garbage?
3. Why can I not stop thinking about this jerk?
4. Why do I keep blaming myself?
Age: 29
City: Austin
State: TX

You feel like garbage because you gave him the benefit if the doubt and he abused it. You’re right. He blind sided you to some degree. He told you he wanted his space but then showered you with affection and attention. That’s why you’re so dizzy. He played the push and pull game. Watch out for inconsistent behavior like that. You’re blaming yourself because you feel like you should have known better. Here’s the thing. People like this do what they do with the explicit intention of creating an image of something that doesn’t really exist. You’re supposed to be distracted. That’s the point. And now, even after the fact, you’re still thinking about him. That, too, is the intended result. This is what people who act like this want. He wants to leave an imprint on your brain. He’ll probably follow up with you or keep himself in your orbit in some way just to make sure you don’t forget about him completely.

He likely justifies his brutal honesty by telling himself that you asked him questions and he’s just a really honest person and didn’t want to lie. If there was ever a reason to fib, it’s when the woman you just broke up with asks you if you’ve slept with anyone else. There was no reason for him to tell you that other than he wanted to brag to some degree or thinks so highly of himself that he just had to be honest because he wants to be a stand up guy.

And that, in and of itself, is the crux of this guy’s problem. He thinks he’s a really good guy. In my opinion, it’s people like this who are the most toxic in relationships. They’ve spent so long telling themselves and others how honorable and popular and well liked they are that they become oblivious to just how inconsiderate and insensitive they truly are. Nobody should have to tell you how regarded they are by their peers. You should be able to determine that on your own. They self-identify in this manner because their behavior doesn’t typically reflect the level of character or charm they believe they possess.

He romanced and wooed you with the dancing and singing and all the rest of that sort of douchey behavior because he knows a lot of women eat that crap up. It’s disingenuous. Behavior like that is usually performed with the intention of making women think he’s the most romantic and amazing boyfriend ever. That’s what he wants. He doesn’t want to be loved. He wants to be adored.

While many people will probably jump in with an arm chair psychological diagnosis, I’m just going to rule this guy a douche and leave it at that. Please, please, please don’t get caught up in all the stories you’ll hear from other people about the sociopath/narcissist that they dated, too. Just don’t. Avoid those people as you work through this. Maybe in some cases the perpetrators can be classified as such, but most are just your run of the mill dickbags. Do not self-victimize here , even though you are a victim of his bad behavior, because that will keep you stuck.

Yep, you fell for it. Many of us have. But the benefit is that this one experience will catapult you to a whole other level of insight if you let it. Which means this won’t happen again. That’s why you don’t want to get too consumed with trying to figure him out.

There’s nothing to figure out. He’s a douche. That’s the explanation. Now take what you’ve learned from this and move forward.