And That's Why You're Single |
| Dating When You’re Uncomfortable With Your Body Posted: 11 Oct 2013 04:52 AM PDT Name: Kira When fully clothed, I look like I’m in good shape. I work out, I take care of myself, I have good genes and I look younger than I am (I have read enough of your blog to know you dislike when people believe this, so I had to make sure to include it just for fun – of course it’s totally true). I utilize Spanx and push-up bras to good effect – a stranger meeting me might assume I have a nice body. Men and women alike are surprised to find out I have as many kids as I do. But I don’t really have a hot body. I mean, I had multiple babies – some women come out of that unscathed but not me. The only guys who’ve been asking me out lately are younger (29-33) and I go out with them because it will be fun but I also freak out when I think about how they’ll react to how I look undressed. It ain’t pretty. I would like to start online dating and will probably look for men who are older than me and who have children, presumably because they won’t be AS shocked to see what my midsection looks like. Anyway, to get to the questions – how do I manage my hope to date someone who has the same level of athleticism and care of their body as me with the reality that, despite all of my hard work, nothing but expensive surgery is going to make the private body match what the public sees? Are all men going to be disappointed when they see the real me? Am I setting myself up for being dumped right after sex? Am I destined to only be desirable (even a little) to men who have worse bodies than I do? It’s so unfair that women don’t get rewarded with BETTER bodies after childbearing. I think you’re being smart by focusing your energies on men with kids. You’re right that they have experience dealing with post-baby bodies and understand that pregnancy can drastically change a woman’s body. The younger guys are not going to get it. I rolled my eyes when I listened to Miley Cyrus’s interview with Matt Lauer the other day. She went on and one about how she had heard that, when people turn forty, they become less sexual and stop having sex. That’s a by-product of her age and likely her own distorted ideas about getting older. Guys in their twenties and early thirties have little to cull from when it comes to dating older women. Everything they think is based on stereotypes and exaggerated stories they’ve heard from friends or seen in porn. They’re used to younger women and haven’t seen many if any bodies of women after pregnancy or after her metabolism slows down. A guy with experience knows that women use anything from make-up to a push-up bra to Spanx in order to help enhance their looks or body. They’re not shocked by her fresh face in the morning. They don’t expect her to look the same. There’s no outrage when she gets naked. She’s naked. They don’t care. They might be a bit shocked and a little disappointed if there’s a glaring difference, but if they like you, they’ll hopefully get past it. Only if they weren’t all that invested from the start or if they actually expected you to look exactly the same in and out of your clothes will they walk away. The only men who expect women to look identical in and out of their clothes are men who haven’t many women naked. I think it would be smart for you, when creating your profile, to post photos that are accurate. That means you should include shots that aren’t of you with Spanx and push-up bras. That way you’ll be attracting the men who already have a sense of your body and there won’t be much as much disparity involved with the reveal. Next, vet these guys as best you can. Take time to establish a rapport with them offline so you can get a sense of who they are and so you can be comfortable with them should things go to the next level. Finally, and most importantly, accept your body as is. You have to get to a place where you’re happy with your body. It sounds trite but if you’re insecure about your body, that will make guys feel uncomfortable with it.
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