And That's Why You're Single |
| Posted: 10 Oct 2013 10:25 AM PDT
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| You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong. He’s Just A Douche. Posted: 10 Oct 2013 06:08 AM PDT Name: Feeling Pathetic Fast forward to 7 months later, I am blind-sided when he tells me he needs some space. We live a hour away from each other and I only seen him on the weekends for the most part, I was confused by the “space” he needed, but I gave it to him because he was focusing on his job. A couple of weeks later, after still calling me every night like clockwork, professing his love and telling me I am the greatest girlfriend ever. I tell him I need to see him and he asks me to meet him at one of our usual spots. When I get there, he is telling everyone that I am the love of his life and how beautiful I am, we’re dancing and he’s singing in my ear, whispering that he loves me, kissing me. Acting lot more “in love” then usual. I go back to his house, he makes me a drink and cooks me dinner. I drink, he pours me another and after my third drink, dances, and jokes…and after I’m feeling really great, he lays it on me: he’s still in love with his ex from two years prior! He then tells me that he’s talented and women love what he does, and that he just wants to be single and live life. Still processing everything, I’m confused and I ask him if he’s been with anyone else, and he tells me he did sleep with someone (but not to worry, she’s no one he knew at all) and it was after we broke up (I didn’t know we actually broke up). He then fed me a bunch of malarkey about how I’m the best woman he’s ever been with and he wants to be with me in the future still. So here are my questions: 1. Who does that?
You feel like garbage because you gave him the benefit if the doubt and he abused it. You’re right. He blind sided you to some degree. He told you he wanted his space but then showered you with affection and attention. That’s why you’re so dizzy. He played the push and pull game. Watch out for inconsistent behavior like that. You’re blaming yourself because you feel like you should have known better. Here’s the thing. People like this do what they do with the explicit intention of creating an image of something that doesn’t really exist. You’re supposed to be distracted. That’s the point. And now, even after the fact, you’re still thinking about him. That, too, is the intended result. This is what people who act like this want. He wants to leave an imprint on your brain. He’ll probably follow up with you or keep himself in your orbit in some way just to make sure you don’t forget about him completely. He likely justifies his brutal honesty by telling himself that you asked him questions and he’s just a really honest person and didn’t want to lie. If there was ever a reason to fib, it’s when the woman you just broke up with asks you if you’ve slept with anyone else. There was no reason for him to tell you that other than he wanted to brag to some degree or thinks so highly of himself that he just had to be honest because he wants to be a stand up guy. And that, in and of itself, is the crux of this guy’s problem. He thinks he’s a really good guy. In my opinion, it’s people like this who are the most toxic in relationships. They’ve spent so long telling themselves and others how honorable and popular and well liked they are that they become oblivious to just how inconsiderate and insensitive they truly are. Nobody should have to tell you how regarded they are by their peers. You should be able to determine that on your own. They self-identify in this manner because their behavior doesn’t typically reflect the level of character or charm they believe they possess. He romanced and wooed you with the dancing and singing and all the rest of that sort of douchey behavior because he knows a lot of women eat that crap up. It’s disingenuous. Behavior like that is usually performed with the intention of making women think he’s the most romantic and amazing boyfriend ever. That’s what he wants. He doesn’t want to be loved. He wants to be adored. While many people will probably jump in with an arm chair psychological diagnosis, I’m just going to rule this guy a douche and leave it at that. Please, please, please don’t get caught up in all the stories you’ll hear from other people about the sociopath/narcissist that they dated, too. Just don’t. Avoid those people as you work through this. Maybe in some cases the perpetrators can be classified as such, but most are just your run of the mill dickbags. Do not self-victimize here , even though you are a victim of his bad behavior, because that will keep you stuck. Yep, you fell for it. Many of us have. But the benefit is that this one experience will catapult you to a whole other level of insight if you let it. Which means this won’t happen again. That’s why you don’t want to get too consumed with trying to figure him out. There’s nothing to figure out. He’s a douche. That’s the explanation. Now take what you’ve learned from this and move forward.
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