And That's Why You're Single |
| He’s Not Shy, He’s Afraid Of You Posted: 15 Oct 2013 02:31 PM PDT Name: Tracy : A few months ago as I was sitting at the reception there came a guy who is in the public eye, dated models etc. and when he saw me not only did he stare but as he left he’d push his face against the window just to take another look. There was noone around and he was looking at me–at that time I was pondering whether he mistook me for someone else. A few weeks later it happened again. Not much after this he had a book published and I commented on a review about it to which he wrote back, never knew he’d read comments, thanking me for my honesty and also for my kindness. The comment did include my full name but not my pic. Then a month later I again caught him staring at me from a hidden place (you know that feeling when after a while you just feel someone is watching you and you look somewhere and there is indeed someone staring. So he was). Then again, a month or so later as I was at the buffet buying a soda he was there with his friends talking so loud it was disturbing–yet, since he is a known person I would pass by not looking at him so that he would not feel uncomfortable someone is staring. Then I sat down, his friends left and then I saw from the corner of my eye that he was staring at me. So, although I am shy but also playful, I decided I would just sit there and wait what happens: he kept staring when a friend of his came and offered to give him a lift that he wanted to refuse by saying he was waiting for someone…but his friend insisted they wait together and since the person he was waiting for never came for half an hour, they left. In the gym I caught him looking at me quite a few times even if I avoid looking at him on purpose, but if I don’t know he came in I sometimes happen to look and if I would catch him looking at me and he would turn away almost in a demonstrating fashion. But then happened again something strange: as I entered one of my fave eateries close to my home there he was sitting alone at a table and when he saw me he immediately ‘sank’ to his plate. The owner came greeting me ushering me to a table but I declined saying I was in a hurry and not looking at him I ordered some take-away. In the meantime he was sinking more and more into his plate. However, when my food was ready, as the owner handed the package to me he jumped up, threw his tray at the counter where I was standing so that I had to jump back otherwise we would have bumped into each other and he rushed out even though the owner was calling at him saying he left his dessert there that they haven’t served him yet. I also rushed out as this almost bumping into him upset me…and I don’t even know why… Since then I haven’t seen him but I am much clueless, so any of your input I would greatly appreciate. Did he connect my name on the comment and at the gym and freaked out? Is it that I scare him? I really really try to avoid and I do avoid looking at him…However, if I did freak him out, what should I do so that he does not feel like it? It would be nice to talk with him once, maybe then all my uneasiness would go away…but how do I go about it? Thank you in advance for all your input and advice.
So, just so I have this straight. You see this guy in the gym, then “happen” to write an online comment about a book he wrote, then you “happened” to be in all these other places at the exact same time as him? I think he thinks you’re stalking him. He’s staring because he’s uncomfortable. You’re not randomly encountering this guy. You’re following him around and putting yourself in his orbit intentionally. While I don’t think you mean him any physical harm, I do think it’s alarming that you are relaying this story as though it’s all happenstance and coincidence. Tracy, you’re following this guy. It’s making him nervous. Stop before he decides to escalate things. There is no way to salvage this. You have been labeled a stalker. Leave him alone. Behavior like this is only considered cute in the movies. Like I said, I don’t think you’re dangerous, but I do think you sound wildly inexperienced when it comes to meeting men. This is not how you demonstrate interest. You have to respect other people’s boundaries and personal space. It’s one thing to create opportunities for you and the object of your affection to run into each other. That’s acceptable. It’s entirely another to do it over and over again. Nobody likes to feel like they’re being watched, and that’s probably how this guy is feeling. You can’t approach this guy. He’s going to get really freaked out. Back off now.
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| Finding a Man Is Not a Contest Posted: 14 Oct 2013 03:23 PM PDT Name: Amanda You’re not ready to settle down and don’t know what you want. That is the answer to your question. Maybe these guys aren’t 5 stage clingers or commitment-phobes. Maybe that’s just all in your head because you really, really enjoy and thrive off all the drama that dealing with these guys involve. You’re creating all this internal conflict yourself and performing for the masses instead of just being true to yourself. If you don’t want the guy to call every day and try to make plans, then nip it in the bud and either make plans with him or tell him you’re not interested. Prolonging this is not only completely unfair to him but only keeps you stuck in this drama-fueled place in your head. You don’t want a relationship right now. Just accept that and act accordingly. Stop listening to people tell you what you’re supposed to want and who try to scare you into settling down. Don’t engage in stupid contests about who is dating whom and who got engaged and who is pregnant. Nothing is more poisonous to women than that. Understand this. Many (not all) of those stories you hear and read about are written with the intention of making you feel bad about yourself. Meanwhile, she’s had her man for a year, maybe two, and she’s planting some flag of victory. I’m so tired of the ways we try to one up each other under the guise of helping or sharing. It’s destructive. No, I don’t want to read your gravitas filled articles about how to plan a quickie wedding or whether or not you’re going to change your last name because you married a dude you dated for a couple months whose visa is expiring. Sorry, it’s not the same thing as a formal proposal or marriage. It’s not. Get over yourself. But stories like that pop up all over the internet, day after day. Women who meet men overseas and decide four months later to get engaged despite barely spending anytime outside of Skype with them. 22 year olds jumping head first into marriages with guys who repeatedly cheated on old girlfriends and who hang around the Twitter feeds and blogs of exes hoping for a mention. Or something. Mazels! You got a winner! I’m so sure that will last. But it’s a relationship! It means being able to show off a ring or photos on Facebook. More than that, it’s admission into some exclusive club. It’s not an expression of devotion and commitment. It’s a humblebrag. Look at me! I got a guy. That must mean I’m okay and better than you. Thank God I no longer have to DATE! Oh, you poor slobs! Here..do what I did! Do I sound bitter? I suppose I am. Not because I’m not married but because I fall for this stuff just like everybody else. I allow myself to spiral down that rabbit hole and wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t snag myself a dude desperate for a green card or why I deluded myself to being with that person who treated me so poorly and oh god did I waste too much time? Why was I so lonely that I accepted that? Why didn’t I just get myself knocked up and he would have married me like he married his next girlfriend who got pregnant? Why did I ask him for more? Why didn’t I stick it out with him even though I knew we weren’t right for each other? I end up questioning myself, my life, and my choices. Even though I know the majority of those stories are told for the benefit of others and that I would never in a million years want to be in those situations, I still beat myself up. Which is the purpose of telling many of those tales, whether women will admit that or not. Coupled up or on your own, you’re just fine. Commitment and Marriage are both tremendous undertakings that should be regarded and respected. They should not be used as a way to prove your self-worth to anybody. If you decide you truly want a relationship, you’ll be able to find one regardless of your age. But right now, you don’t. And that’s perfectly okay. That’s why you keep finding yourself in these situations. Take some time to just figure out what you want and stop paying mind to stupid scare tactics. Trust me, there are far worse things that can happen to you than to end up alone with cats. And PS? That’s not really a thing.
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