And That's Why You're Single |
| Why Do Guys Say Things They Don’t Mean? Posted: 01 Dec 2013 03:01 PM PST Name: Oliviia He’s in medical school and I work full time, but my evenings are almost always free (and he’s usually in class or studying). So when I told him that I would actually be in his neighborhood the next day to grab lunch with a friend, he asked to meet up for coffee or something. I said that would be nice, and texted him the next day when I was in the area. His response was “As much as I want to see you today, I have to rush off to a group meeting – can we meet up later this week?” I told him it was no problem, but our schedules didn’t match up for the rest of the week so we didn’t meet up. That weekend I was away, but in the middle of the next week I let him know I was in town again. He made it seem like he’d like to meet up, but we didn’t. About two weeks later he texted me on a Saturday night saying he was in my neighborhood – I was out with friends at the time. I told him to meet me at the bar I was at, but he was already thinking of heading back and tried to convince me to come to him. I didn’t, even after he offered to pay my cab fare (which I really wasn’t a huge fan of). Fast-forward to three weeks later, no texting or talking. I was at a bar with some close friends very close to where he lived so a sent a quick text – and he was there in 15 minutes. The first thing he did was apologize for being so flaky lately. We had another great time, talked, and really seemed to hit it off again, but this time I was just a bit more distanced because I assumed if he didnt make a huge effort in seeing me, he must not care all that much. This time when he left the bar, I stayed with my friends. I walked him out, we kissed, and he asked if he could see me again on Monday – his break is coming up for school so he doesn’t have much in the way of studying or group sessions. I said sure and he said he couldn’t wait. After he left he texted me to tell me how great of a time he had, but come Monday – not a word. Im not sure what’s going on – If he was just looking for a hook-up I figure he would at least make that clear by inviting me back to his place, or following through on plans to hang out. On the other hand, he’s always the one to make plans to see each other again after a date – but also the one that doesn’t follow through. We don’t text or talk other than to make plans, which usually don’t amount to anything, and our second date was almost 6 weeks after the first. If he’s not really that into it (which is what I’m assuming), why is he so persistent about telling me how great of a time he’s had and making plans to meet up again after we actually do see each other? I assumed if he didnt make a huge effort in seeing me, he must not care all that much. Right. Exactly. You’ve just answered your own question. He did try to hook-up with you. He offered to pay for a cab to drive you to his apartment. He likely came out to meet you in the hopes you’d go home with him. That’s why he’s telling you how much fun he had and how excited he is to see you again. He’s going to say whatever it is he thinks will get you to go home with him or hook-up with him. This guy has made zero effort to actually see you save for the one instance when he was in your neighborhood. He only met you out at that bar because he thought you might go home with him. This guy doesn’t want to date you. He’ll sleep with you if the opportunity arises, but that’s it. He’s just saying what he’s saying to keep you on the hook. You’re just an option to him. You’re someone he’ll meet up with if he has no other plans. That might be how he treats all the women he meets. As for the larger question of why men sometimes say things they don’t mean, let’s look at this from a non-dating perspective. Have you ever had a conversation with someone you were iffy about – male or female – and had them say, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime!” and you really didn’t want to, but you found yourself saying, “Sure! That would be great!” And then you never follow up with them or respond to their email or make up some excuse? It’s kind of like that. This isn’t a guy thing or a dating thing. This is a people in awkward social situations thing. I don’t know how he suggested you meet for coffee or that you see each other again at the end of that first date. Something tells me that it wasn’t as emphatic as this letter implies. From the sounds of it, he made a throw away comment about grabbing coffee because you said you were going to be in his neighborhood the next day after he casually suggested seeing each other again. Think about that for a moment. He says, “We should do this again” and you jump in with, “Well, as luck would have it, I’m going to be in your neighborhood tomorrow.” He’s now put on the spot. So of course he once more tosses off a polite suggestion of meeting up, probably knowing that when you contacted him the next day he could hide behind his cell phone (as many of us are wont to do) and make an excuse as to why he couldn’t get together. The real red flag? The insistence that really wanted to see you. Orly? He was being disingenuous in order to soften his lie a bit. I’ve been in this very situation, with the guy insisting he wanted to see me again and making tentative plans only to bail. He was buying himself time and keeping me on the hook. If a convenient situation arose, he’d see me. But other than that? Nope. No interest. He’s being phony. That’s what is going on here.
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