Thursday, December 19, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

If a Man Commits Once, Does That Mean He’ll Do It Again?

Posted: 19 Dec 2013 02:56 PM PST


Name: Sarahmanneeds
Comment: I started dating a guy friend bout 4 years ago when he was fresh out of a relationship with a baby mama. He wanted to date really fast despite my desire for him to get out there and be single before dating me. He pushed me to meet his kids early on despite my wanting to wait. Fastforward 4 years and we’ve been on/off for a long time. He recently wanted to start dating again but his baby mama told him not to bring me around the kids despite my being around his kids. The baby mama has lied to the kids about me being the reason that their parents broke up, recanted, said she was lying, then started up with saying that I am the reason. Now his kids are full of her poison and say that they won’t be coming around if i’m there. So we know what happened, he started dating me but wouldn’t let the kids and me be together. Last night he told me that despite knowing that the ex is lying bout us, he isn’t going to tell the kids that they need to get on board with dating me. He says that he’ll always choose them and that he wants to be with me in the future, i’m his best friend, he loves me, and wants to get married some day but right now he needs me to wait on his kids’ needs. Basically he is offering to me nothing more than being his friend, with the hopes that maybe one day we’ll work out and in the meantime it would be great if we slept together because “it might make him want me around all week long”. Am I wrong for refusing to become a friends with benefits. He also says he can’t have a relationship with expectations right now and if I’m not happy with what he can offer me then i should move on and look for other people. I don’t have kids and am from divorced parents. He says that he refuses to tell his kids to accept me because he would rather they be happy. I’m mad because this other woman who told him that she didn’t love him is controlling his and my relationship and he seems content to go along with this lie of hers versus standing up for me.
Age: 34
City: Atlanta
State: GA

 

It sounds like this situation is causing you a great deal of stress and drama. Wouldn’t it be easier to just detach?The guy can’t offer you anything substantial. He’s telling you this straight up. The kids have already been poisoned against you. That won’t change until they’re adults and you can have some kind of mature discussion with them, and even then you’d be revealing that their Mom did something inappropriate. They’ll start hating you all over again. This will never change. He’s just trying to get you to take a back seat because that’s where he wants you. He’s not looking for a partner or girlfriend or wife.You’d hold a fixed place in his life, but at what cost to you? Do you really want to devote years to this guy and come up empty handed?

I keep trying to explain to women that a lot of men, especially divorced men with kids or men in their late thirties or older who have never married, don’t feel the need to prioritize intimacy. They’ll date, they’ll have sex, but they’re not in a rush commit. Why? Because they don’t have to be. They can afford to take their time. They’ve already done the marriage thing and they have their kids. And if, by 40 or so, they haven’t settled down they likely won’t unless they still want kids. This is why I chuckle at the idea that divorced men are somehow better catches because they’ve already proved they can commit. Right. They’ve already done it once. What makes you think, after a divorce, they’d want to do it again? Sure, maybe if they want kids, but what about the rest of them? Why would a man in high demand in the dating market place want to settle down? Better question: how amazing does his ideal woman have to be for him to do so and how long do you think it will take him to weed through all his prospects? Inquiring minds want to know. Internet, get on that.

This guy has his life pretty well maintained. His got his job, he’s got his kids, and he’s got his interests. Dating and sex probably aren’t much of a priority for him. Whatever he does have with you will be limited and contained. If you can accept that, and you want to be a target for his Ex, then stick around.

It sounds like you’re so used to being with this guy that you don’t think there’s anybody else out there. You’re never going to know that unless you try to meet someone else.

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