And That's Why You're Single |
| Why Don’t Guys Just Cut Things Off Instead of Fading? Posted: 03 Dec 2013 03:11 PM PST Name: Lucy Comment: I am super annoyed by this guy’s texting habits!!! We’ve been on 2 dates since mid-October (he lives in Boston and I like coming over, since the scene in Providence sucks), and until now I haven’t cared very much, but my no 1 prospect dried up, so I moved him up the food chain. Which unfortunately means I’ve started to care. As usual, he’s a better prospect than No 1 (5’5, 10 years older, unathletic, non-douchey, has a couple annoying quirks, but wealthy, educated, and not ugly, so I’m in), but even better prospects are ephemeral. His sporadic contact worries me. I found him on cupid while I was out of the country, and contacted him first. We wrote each other every week, or every other week – I’d say pretty involved emails about our lives/interests, the tradition of which has carried onto the phone. We exchanged numbers once I got back, and he immediately wanted to meet (K, dirty secret – I was in Boston in the summer and my profile still lives there – but I told him eventually, and he was cool with it). I had to settle in first, so we met a month later. In the meantime he’d send me a text every once in a while to ask how I was doing and tell me what he was up to; once again, I’m used to guys texting me a lot in the beginning stages. The frequency of his texts would only pick up when we were discussing meeting up in real life. Another thing – he usually texts really late at night, apparently because of his work schedule, but in his line of work being inconsiderate is pretty much a prerequisite. So last time we went out a couple weeks ago (I’m busy on most weekends, so I couldn’t come down earlier), he gave me a very expensive spin about town, and I stayed over at his (kept my panties on, but did some of that high school stuff because, well, you can’t tell the guy you’re staying over and not do anything). He didn’t take me out to brunch the morning after, though he did make me coffee and walk me to the station, then texted me to see how I got home. I thanked him for the good time, he thanked me back (icky, I know). Nothing for a few days. The next thing he texts me feels like a blow off: sorry work’s been crazy, I haven’t had time to text, how’s life, hope to see you again soon. I’m cutting my losses and wondering why people don’t have the balls to Just. Cut. It. Off. if they’re pulling the Fade. But I text him back, we banter about life a message or two, then he leaves my last message unanswered until I give up and text him a happy thanksgiving on Thurs. (if he’s interpreting, it looks like a mass text, and if he’s not, then he doesn’t care enough anyway). He replies the same day, not at night, and we banter about Thanksgiving, and then he asks me out the following weekend. I respond saying I don’t know, what does he have in mind, and here I am, still waiting for a response. His behavior has changed, and that doesn’t bode well for his interest – should I toss him? You could toss him if it will make you feel better or if it will allow you to tell friends how you threw him back and not vice versa. However, the reality is that he lost interest in you first. There was a sign that things would end this way. Want to know what it was? When you revealed that you lied about where you live and he was “okay” with it, that was a red flag. We’ve talked about lying and fudging details before. Misrepresenting where you live is one of those lies that people aren’t typically thrilled about. It’s not like you live in Medford, a 20 minute drive from Boston, but said Boston. You live a distance away that involves a good 90 minute or more commute. That’s a game changer. It’s similar to a 42 year old woman saying she’s 37. Yeah, it’s only 5 years difference, but getting pregnant at 42 or 44 is a hell of a lot more difficult than getting pregnant at 37 or 38. Game changer. I’m not sure why you really care about this other than it’s a bruise to your ego. It doesn’t sound like you actually liked him. You liked the idea of dating someone “in the city” who could provide a lifestyle or experience that you can’t get in Podunk, Rhode Island. Here’s the deal, love. He doesn’t have to settle for you. First, he apparently makes quite a bit of money. Second, he lives in a metropolitan city full of educated women with high earning potential who are more on his level. It’s like people from Long Island or Jersey insisting upon dating people who live in Manhattan. Two different worlds, baby. Two different worlds. Want someone who will take you on an expensive ride around Boston and then buy you sex brunch? Move to Boston. Like you said, he sent you a message that you interpreted as a blow off message. Therefore, he did tell you. He just wasn’t explicit. And you knew what he was doing. You just didn’t want to accept that. So you manufactured a mass text and sent it out to him hoping he’d take the bait. What you wanted was an opportunity to act aloof and to possibly cut him off first. Here’s how you do that: you don’t respond to the initial blow off text. But you did. Therefore, you set yourself up to be blown off again. Do you see how you created that situation from the start? This isn’t about him not sacking up and being honest. When you said you didn’t know if you could see him, he said screw this and bailed. Nobody wants to go out and spend money on someone who acts like that. He was moderately interested at best and then little by little lost interest. And..scene.
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