And That's Why You're Single

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Just Because They’re Good Looking Doesn’t Mean They’re Not a Douche Posted: 04 Dec 2013 02:52 PM PST Tweet Gather round! It’s another installment of Article Roundup. This one come from The Frisky. "The first thing I noticed was your smile," he wrote. "A beautiful one like yours stands out from the crowd. Now what kinds of horror stories have you heard by opening yourself up to that question?" He was responding to the part of my profile where I opted to ask guys what they first noticed about me, rather than answering the question myself. Not only was his compliment well received, but his counter question suggested he actually read my profile. He made it past the pictures and the desire to message me something stupid just because I have boobs. He was interested in me. Refreshing. I think it’s unfortunate that so many men are either too socially inept or just plain classless that the “Sup girl” and “You haz nice boobies” type messages are so common. I think it’s more unfortunate that so many women think that because a guy crafted one well written sentence that that means he’s genuinely interested in her. Let’s continue. I read his profile and liked it, too. Like, really liked it. He's a police officer, good-looking, seems to have family values, went to a great college, and is witty. Under the "I'm Good At" section of his profile, he listed a bunch of typical things like cooking and changing flat tires, but ended strong with "handsoming" and "chivalrous deeds." Handsoming needs to be a real word. Ahhh. Now the pieces fall into place. He’s good looking. Oh, and look! He’s chivalrous, too. He’s just hitting alllll the sweet spots, isn’t he? Side note: he went to great college but he’s a police officer. Is that ringing anyone else’s bells? Just mine? Okay. (It reminds me of hearing that Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg’s son is going to Yale to be an EMT. YOU DON’T GO TO YALE TO BE AN EMT!!!) He also shares that one of the things he’s good at is “handsoming.” Really? For whatever reason, this is perceived as charming. Wait, the reason isn’t a mystery. It’s because he’s good looking. To me, this guy screams Douche. As I said in my comment on the article: I’m always turned off by guys commenting or complimenting me on my looks in their first email message. To me, it’s gross and disingenuous. I think sometimes, especially when we’re feeling insecure about our looks or bodies, we give good looking guys more of a pass or give them credit for stuff that we’d probably be turned off by if it came from an average joe type. The author goes on to say: From what I know so far, Officer Handsoming is kind. The first thing he ever said to me was a compliment about my smile— and that certainly hasn't changed. I didn’t want to burst her bubble and tell her that she really has no proof that he read her whole profile. Nor did I want to point out that compliments of a physical nature from complete strangers are usually considered suspect. But he’s good looking. So there’s that. It’s hard to keep up with what’s considered socially appropriate. If she were walking down the street and a cop made a comment about her smile, I think this article would have a much different angle. Compliments from guys on the street = bad. Compliments from jar head dudes on OKCupid = bad. Compliments from good-looking guys = good. I guess. Do I have that right? It’s not terribly provocative to say that attractive people have it a wee bit easier in this world than unattractive people. What’s problematic is that we give these people more credit and assign a bunch of characteristics to them strictly because they aren’t unfortunate looking. More troubling is how we rationalize all of this. Take this article from xoJane. It's not always about habits, either. Sometimes it’s frame of mind. I met this guy at a party of a mutual friend and he was gorge! Nice build, great smile, charming personality, and I started getting into the person he seemed to be. We would chat on the phone and text quite a bit initially. The message exchanges were cute and I was ready for the one-on-one interaction. The problem: He wasn't taking the initiative to set a date and meet up. After finally getting tired of waiting for him to ask, I brought it up. I hope I didn't sound like a kid begging for a piece of candy, but I wanted to know: "Why haven't you asked me out on a date?" His response was classic: "I don't date. I just hang out." Once again the focus is on the guy’s looks, and once again the man is presumed to be something he isn’t. We give good looking people the benefit of the doubt more so than the Average Joes we typically meet. Why? Well, for starters, there’s that social proof thing. Having a good looking person on your arm makes people wonder what you’ve got to snag someone like them. Then there’s the bragging rights for which plenty of insecure men and women would happily endure a chronic case of Jerkface just for the Facebook photos and updates alone. Finally, and this is the big one, being able to attract someone really good-looking means we’re really attractive, too. Or at least, more attractive than we secretly fear we are. Which is why we tend to draw these types in the first place. Not the good looking people. The good looking Jerkfaces. Now, maybe the men in these two examples save puppies from burning buildings. I don’t know. But I do know that when their looks are given so much mention and attention, it’s usually a sign of insecurity or a need to prove our value to people/strangers. But it’s that insecurity that encourages us to stick with people like this, thereby doing even more damage to our self-worth. It’s a vicious cycle that just keeps repeating itself.

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