And That's Why You're Single |
| Are Guys Threatened By Her Financial Situation? #atwys Posted: 30 Jun 2014 02:41 PM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): MK This may be a New York specific question, but here goes… I’m a 32 year woman who dates pretty regularly, primarily through OKCupid, but occasionally from meeting people out and about. I’m no model, but I’m pretty easy on the eyes, and get along with most people. I’m perpetually single, and I don’t altogether mind it, but it drives me bananas that I can’t figure out if it’s bad luck or something within my control. I think one potential issue may be that I’m typically more financially successful than the men I date. I’m an art school girl who landed a really fun, creative, flexible, lucrative job. I also own and manage several apartments and I’ve done a lot of traveling since childhood. I feel like on 80% of my first dates, the dude starts going on and on about trust fund kids and spoiled kids in Brooklyn. I’m not really a trust fund kid, but I know I’ve had it easier financially than a lot of other people. I also know I work really hard, don’t have fancy tastes, and don’t particularly care about a potential partner’s earning potential. I try to avoid mentioning the property I own, but it always comes out eventually. I’ve been renovating my home for the last three months, so I’ve been living in the basement, dealing with the nightmare that is renovation. If a date asks me about my day, and I omit the renovation, I feel like I’m basically lying, since it’s such a huge part of my life. The renovation is nearly over, but there’s always something, like shoveling snow all winter and dealing with tenant issues. I feel like the money stuff can get so alienating to men. Any advice on how to manage all of this?, I don’t usually love dating lawyers and finance types, but the money stuff doesn’t seem to work for the artsy boys. Here’s what I don’t understand. I don’t really buy that you feel compelled to tell these men about your properties or that you feel you’re being dishonest. I think you like showing off a bit. Here’s why I think that: because in one of your first sentences you say that you’re easy on the eyes. You don’t say frame it in a humble way. You brag. I can remember reading an article a few months ago by a woman who talked about receiving a large inheritance from her father and how she felt this inheritance often made people dismiss her grief, as though the money somehow makes up for it. She implied multiple times that the inheritance was sizeable. Sizeable enough to buy a Park Avenue apartment. But she insisted that she didn’t want to get into how much because it was just too inappropriate.
When I asked her how people even knew about her inheritance, she insisted that it came up in regular conversations. Now, as someone who also inherited money, I had to call bullshit on that. It’s just not something I talk about with guys that I date or random strangers. I don’t find myself ever bringing up the topic of how I inherited money to my dates or guys I’ve dated for only a short period of time. Nobody asks me how I can afford certain things. But that’s usually because I don’t tell them my spending habits. Plus, in NYC, it’s hardly uncommon for people to inherit money. Technically, I own property. I don’t tell people that because I inherited it. I didn’t buy it. Those are two completely different situations with different implications. Reading between the lines of your letter, I’m getting the vibe that you grew up upper middle class or come from a wealthy background. Hearing that you own several apartments immediately has me wondering how, at 32 years old, you came to do that. You very well could just make exceptionally great investments. My father did exactly what you did at your age. He bought several properties and managed them, then sold them. On a teacher’s salary. So it’s possible. My point is that just by revealing these bits of info, you’re telling more than you realize. And some people are going to judge you negatively for it. Last year, for the first time in my life, I bought myself an expensive Ralph Lauren leather purse. Love. It. I only take it out on special occasions and dates. I’ve had guys comment on that purse. That’s an immediate signal that they are forming an opinion of me. Which is funny, because I am so far from what they probably assume. People judge and bring their own stuff to the table. That’s out of our control. I’m not going to not use that purse. Personally, I don’t understand why someone in your financial position would want to date a guy who makes significantly less or doesn’t have a similar level of stability. It just makes things easier. I have zero interest in dating guys who are always looking for happy hour deals or live on such a tight budget that there’s little to no buffer to do fun things like go away for a night or grab tickets to a Broadway show (where we’d both pay half). My business allows me to be able to do stuff like that. I don’t want to date someone who needs a month to save up for something of that nature. I also give a side-eye to “80%” of your dates all happening to bring up the same issue of spoiled trust funders. That’s a pretty high percentage, so if it’s even slightly accurate, then more than likely – since you’re the only common denominator – you’re saying something that encourages that particular conversation. This is just not typical first date chit chat. It’s not. So, someway, somehow, you’re leading the discussion to that place. Possibly without even knowing it. You don’t have to tell guys that you’re getting your house renovated. You can say you’re getting your kitchen or bathroom re-done. Boom. Done. Or you could just date guys for whom that doesn’t sound atypical or weird. One of the first changes you need to make is to start using a paid site. OkCupid is great, but it’s free, which means it attracts all the cry poors, hipster artists, and joe schmoes. Go to Match.com and pay for a subscription. There you will meet other people who can afford $40 a month. OKCupid is where a lot of broke/marginally employed dudes go to get laid. The money stuff is only alienating if you’re always throwing it around or lording it over people. Nobody would ever know anything about your situation if you didn’t tell them. So either stop telling them until you and the guy are on solid footing or date more upscale guys. I know you said that you don’t like to date law/finance types, but I have to wonder if maybe the problem isn’t that you prefer not to date them or if you have a hard time attracting them. You’re probably not being obnoxious about it, but I do think you’re being too open about your financial situation. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you’re in the right company. Artsy dudes are not your target market. Not because they’re threatened by your financial stability but because your lifestyles are probably very different. Some might be intimidated by it, but I highly doubt all of them are. I think that’s in your head. Psst! Like our new Facebook page, please?   
One on One Dating Profile ReviewGet a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me. I'll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I'll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up. $45 – INCLUDES:
$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)
Let Me Write Your Profile For You$75 – INCLUDES:
$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)
|
| You are subscribed to email updates from And That's Why You're Single® To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google Inc., 20 West Kinzie, Chicago IL USA 60610 | |
No comments:
Post a Comment