And That's Why You're Single |
| Beware The Man Who Says All The Right Things After 1 Date #atwys Posted: 01 Jun 2014 03:16 PM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): I’m Messed Up, You’re Amazing, Let’s Be Friends Comment: I met someone online about a month and a half ago. Their message to me was rare in that they clearly were not looking for just a hookup, but genuinely found me interesting. We hit it off and agreed to meet. He was the sweetest guy I had gone on a date with. We went to a restaurant, he bought me a cute gift, and we talked for hours. Our second date was just as great. All the while, we would text multiple times a day and have fun talking to each other. On our third date, we had established that we liked each other and we had sex. Afterwards he told me that he cared for me. We both had gone on a long weekend away to different areas, and when we had gotten back he had dropped a bomb. He said that he could not go further with an amorous relationship because his heart was still with a girlfriend who has died suddenly a few years prior (I had not known this fact). I was shocked and hurt. He was brutally honest in explaining that I was not the one, and that he tried to make it work because he likes me and thinks I’m amazing. He said he felt trapped and that it didn’t feel right. He said we don’t have to change our friendship that we had developed and that we should still hang out. I said I felt he lead me on. He said we can still do things he promised to do with me, like take me to his friend’s wedding and go to a friend’s party. He also said he wants to see me happy and also offered to find me a better job near him so I can work and hang out with him afterwards. He said that I deserve better and that he can’t offer much. It was at a point where he stopped it before it got too serious. I feel good about him being a friend, and I do want to hang out with him again. I personally have no problems repurposing our dates (never established a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) into a friendship. My question is, is it right? Is he still leading me on with helping me with finding a job? I’m kind of confused. I said I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but I’m not sure if he’s saying these things to ease the rejection, or if he genuinely wants the friendship with me.
Maybe he has a dead girlfriend, maybe he doesn’t. Who knows. Maybe he’s still heartbroken over the loss and, years later, is still morning her. Totally possible. Really. The only thing we know for sure is that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. Not a serious or committed one, at least. But he’ll be friends with you! He’ll take you to a friend’s wedding even though you and he have only had three dates. Because, I mean, who doesn’t do that? That’s totally normal! As is buying you a gift on your first date. Sure! That happens all the time!
This guy seems to have a penchant for going overboard and saying things he doesn’t mean. He gets caught up in the moment. I’m not sure why you should believe him when he says he wants to be friends when I’m sure he said equally effusive things when he was gaming to be your boyfriend. This guys just wanted to have sex with you. Once that goal was achieved, he was done. How does this scenario differ than others we’ve discussed? He tried too hard. I believe this guy has been out of the game for awhile. That explains why he’s so utterly shitastic at it. This guy badly wanted to get laid, so much so that he was making all kinds of promises that he never intended to fulfill. People with options don’t invest that much time and effort into someone they just met. PS? Who the hell agrees to go to a wedding with someone they’ve been out with two or three times? He offered to find you a job so you can be closer to him and so you can hang out with him more? What the wut? Normal people do not exhibit the behavior exhibited by this guy. Spoiler alert: he’s not going to help you find a job so you can move closer to him. I don’t even think he’s going to attend that wedding with you. You shouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Why? Because everything he is saying and doing is so far away from what is considered appropriate that you should be running from him. He’s going overboard with trying to prove he’s not a jerk because he doesn’t want to believe he mislead you. He probably does feel bad. That remorse is likely genuine. But what’s motivating him is a guilty conscience, not a sense of honor. Their message to me was rare in that they clearly were not looking for just a hookup, but genuinely found me interesting. Good thing he “clearly” wasn’t just looking for a hook-up, amirite? The lesson here is that people will say and do anything to get what they want. It was in his best interest to present himself as seeking something more than sex. Because, as you learned, he got it. It amazes me when people base their character judgments of people on 4 lines of text.Profile, schmofile. You’re never going to have an idea of their true character and intentions until you’ve dated them for quite some time. And even then you probably won’t know them completely. You’re never going to know if someone is guaranteed not to bail after sex until you have sex with them. Boom goes the dynamite. That’s why so many people like to delay sex. They think that it will make the person they’re dating become more invested. NOPE! That’s another myth that we hear all the time. Cut this guy off. He’s exhausting. He’s going to mess with your head until you don’t know which end is up. And he’s not your friend. Don’t buy into that either. He’s trying to cushion the blow by saying he still wants you in his life.
  
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