And That's Why You're Single |
| What Do You Do When You Catch A Man In A Lie? Posted: 29 Oct 2013 05:55 AM PDT Name: Jennifer Comment: I met this guy online and we finally met in person. Our first date was amazing—so much so that he wrote me after our date to tell me he thought I was amazing, that I exceeded all of his expectations and that he can't wait to see me again. We scheduled our second date for that following weekend and I was as giddy as a school girl. As it turns out, he wrote one of my friends on the same dating website a few days later and set up a date with her for the same evening him and I planned to meet. He then cancelled our date, claiming he had plans to take his son trick or treating. I know he won't be trick or treating with his son because he set up this date with my friend. My friend and I are equally matched—we're both very attractive and successful women, we have a very similar look, as people think we are sisters when we go out together. The coincidence is frustrating, but the fact that he lied to me and cancelled our date to go out with someone else frustrates me even more. I know we've only been on one date, and I expect that he's going to date other women until he settles on one (plus, I'm dating other men right now too, and rightfully so), but it shows me that he's willing to push me to the side for someone else in a heartbeat. Plus, the fact that he professed such a strong interest in me after our first date, then quickly turned around to go out with my friend (who is very similar to me) makes him seem insincere. I'm debating on whether I want to continue seeing him as he wants to reschedule our date. It's tough because it's too early for me to care about him seeing other people, and it's just unfortunate that I know that he's lying. My friend plans on ditching the date—she plans to just not show up and not call—she's pretty pissed about the whole scenario. I won't tell him that I know about this—at least not until down the line, assuming that we continue seeing each other. Like I said, I am dating other men, but he is/was definitely a front runner. I really liked spending time with him, our conversation was amazing, we have so much in common, he's very attractive and successful and other than this oddball situation, I think he's great. What do you think would be the best course of action for me to take? Age: 33 So, you’re saying that this guy you had one date with also happened to randomly contact your friend who also uses the same dating site around the time you went out with him? Wow. That’s a staggering coincidence. Was Jack Tripper hiding behind a door at any point listening to your conversations and there was some big misunderstanding that culminated with him dressing up in drag and trying to catch this guy in the act?
Let’s pretend for argument’s sake that this scenario played out exactly the way you’re saying it did. This is an example of why I say that most women don’t really want to know the truth. This guy you met has options and he was exercising them. Had you not “accidentally discovered” that he was also talking with other women, you’d be none the wiser. He’d still be doing it, of course. You just wouldn’t know about it. You’re doing the same thing. But, as often is the case in these situations, the person who perceives themselves as being slighted forgets that. Yes, it sucks that he lied and that he wasn’t as eager to meet up with you again as you were. But that’s dating. Somebody came along that piqued his interest and, before he got too invested in you, he wanted to explore that possibility. Sounds like dating in 2013 to me. For future reference, effusive feedback after a first date should probably set off your bells. You’re right, if he really was that interested he wouldn’t have bumped you for someone else. So either he’s disingenuous or you completely misread the situation and his words. I’m thinking it’s a combination of both.
Should you and he continue to date never, ever, EVER admit to any of this. Not sure how you’ll manage to skirt this since he’d eventually meet your friends if this becomes a regular thing. Personally, I find it very suspect that you even knew that your friend was talking to this guy in the first place. Maybe this has to do with my age, but I don’t typically share with my friends the identity of people I meet online until they become a regular part of my life. But for you, dear Jenn, I am going to suspend my disbelief. Write this date down, folks, as this doesn’t happen often. The reason you shouldn’t come clean about this is because he won’t believe it was a random coincidence. Your friend needs to contact him and make up some story about how something suddenly came up and she can’t meet with him. Not showing up is just stupid and childish. If you do continue to see this guy, you’re just going to have to get past this indiscretion. Yes, he lied to you. I don’t think he was being deceptive as much as he was being diplomatic. If you do bring it up, he will drop you like a bad habit and assume you’re an oddball who was way too invested after a first date who cooked up a plot to test him. My honest opinion? I think you created a fake profile and tried to catch him in a lie. Either that or you had a friend contact him for you to see if he was communicating with other women. If this friend is real, that was a foolish thing to do, as he’ll eventually meet her and your little plot might be revealed. Which is why I’m going with the former explanation and guessing you constructed a phony profile. The thing about trying to trap men in lies is that it always ends up blowing back on us. Just by setting the trap, we look crazy. Reveal our plan and we tip our hand. Which means we’re left with knowing this secret and having it eventually gnaw away at us. That voice telling us he’s lying will never go away. In situations such as this, when you really like someone you’ve just met, the only option you have is to wait and see how things play out. It’s hard and it can drive us out of our minds with anxiety, but that is our only option should we want to build something lasting and authentic. Maybe that guy will stick around and return our interest. Maybe he won’t. What you always have to remind yourself is that, regardless of his decision, you’re okay. With him or without him, you are just fine. You are enough.
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| Posted: 28 Oct 2013 03:46 PM PDT I’m a rather newish convert to Pandora. For those of you living in a cave, Pandora is an application that allows users to create various mixes of Last Friday, I selected my Sade channel again and prepared to do a tad bit more damage to my credit card by shopping online. The first song that played was “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak. I stopped what I was doing and poured myself some more wine. That song shot me back to the months before my senior year in college. My two closest friends and I all decided to stay in Boston for the summer rather than head home for the break. I lived in my apartment that was directly across from the resident hall where my friends were housed. Residing on the same floor as my two girlfriends was a guy named Teddy (not his real name.) Teddy was a year younger than I was and in the professional fraternity at our school. They wore blazers and carnations and were all very stuffy and elitist. During the beginning of my junior year Teddy and I had a minor fling. That was back in the day where touching breasts and making out constituted hooking up. Teddy was lanky, with a smile that hinted at things to come. He had a preppy hair cut and Harry Potter glasses. And braces. Braces. I. Know. Somewhere between those evenings of awkward fumbling in my creaky bed and the hot summer nights of June and July of 1990, Teddy changed. One night, I decided to have everybody over my apartment for dinner. Teddy tagged along. That way we could all drink without getting into trouble. A game of Trivial Pursuit became a drunken game of I Never. Teddy would tease me and say suggestive things, and I would shoot something back. This Teddy was different. He was no longer nerdy or awkward. The braces were gone, the hair was a bit more shaggy. I had heard the rumors, of course. The stories from some of the women he had slept with. Each one of them went on about the size of his penis and the rather masterful way he used it. For 21-year olds, this was scandalous news. Imagine us all hiding behind our fans, our breasts heaving in our corsets, as we giggled over tea. After a bit, people decided to leave. Teddy pretended to take off, but then snuck back out claiming to his floor-mates that he was meeting some of his fraternity brothers. He was extremely private. He had just been elected to President of the Student Government Association and would take the role once school began in the fall. It was all very “Gossip Girl” meets “House of Cards.” It was my first taste of intrigue. I don’t know why or how, but Teddy and I ended up in my bathroom. That’s where we started to kiss. Other than my sophomore year boyfriend, I had never had a man undress me. Teddy slowly unbuttoned every button on my top and pulled off my skirt with the finesse of, well, a 25 year old. What I remember most in that moment was how my hands began to shake. I was so inexperienced. I wasn’t just unsure of my own prowess but genuinely had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. The other thing I remembered were the beginning chords of “Wicked Game” playing on the radio I had left on in my living room. What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way. There I stood in front of him in just panties and bra. The more he looked my body over, the more pronounced the flutter in my stomach became. I wasn’t smitten. I was aroused. Ridiculously and intensely aroused. I had never felt that before in any of the various trysts and dates and hook-ups I had had up to that point. I almost felt dizzy. He towered over me by several inches, and so I had to stand on my tippy toes to be able to meet his mouth with mine. He would stop every few seconds to look at me, that smile creeping back on his face. He knew he had me. He knew how turned on I was. He had all the power. It was his turn to get undressed. He took off his t-shirt and unbuckled his belt. This was it. This was the moment. I was finally going to see It. When he was just down to his boxers he suggested we head to my bedroom. It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do. That’s what I heard as we made the way to my bed. My room was dark except for the street light coming through the huge round window just over my bed. He artfully reached behind me to unclasp my bra with one hand while removing my panties with another. I sat down on the bed, naked, not quite sure what was coming next. That’s when he took off his boxers. My eyes immediately darted to his groin. There it was. There It Was. Everything the girls had said over way too strong margaritas at our sorority socials had said was true. It was as long as my outstretched palm to well past my wrist. That’s when the panic began to set in. What was he thinking he was going to do with that? What was I supposed to do with that? He could sense my trepidation and sat down on the bed to kiss me. From there I followed his lead. Every time he touched me it sent a jolt down my body. By the time his head was between my legs I had lost all inhibitions. This was what the fuss was about. This. The world was on fire and no one could save me but you. By the time it came for him to penetrate me my head was buzzing. As he hovered over me, slowly trying to slide inside me, the light from the window was cast on his face. He had this look. It was a mixture of desire and fear. It was a look I grew to recognize well into my adulthood. One that I anticipated. That look signified the moment he realized he was no longer calling all the shots. It took a few minutes and several inquiries in the vein of, “Are you okay?” and “Does that hurt?” before we established a rhythm. Yes. It did hurt. But I liked it. Our first time didn’t last very long. We lay there talking for a bit before doing it again. We continued to meet secretly here and there that summer. We’d pass each other in the hall or he’d pop into my friend’s rooms when I’d visit and we’d pretend as though nothing had happened. I think that made it even hotter. During one of our clandestine sessions in his room he gave me a step by step instructional on the art of fellatio. He wasn’t being conversational. He was tutoring me. So, after a night of bourbon and an Eric Clapton concert, I decided to show him just what excellent notes I took. This time I had a male friend sleeping in the living room. He had come with us to the concert and was passed out after getting stoned. One by one, I completed the steps he had shared with me. Keep the shaft wet. Check. Use your hands and mouth. Check. Tease the tip. Checkity check check check. But most importantly…bring him to the edge and stop. Which I did a few times before finally allowing him to finish in my mouth. And then I completed my test by swallowing. In the seconds before his climax he grabbed a pillow to cover his mouth to muffle the groan he emitted as he came. I can clearly remember kneeling at the foot of the bed and watching his chest heave up and down. Her lay there, eyes open wide, mouth slightly open, breathing heavy. That smug smile that Teddy used to wear was now on my face. That was the moment that went on to define me sexually. It was when I learned that there was so much more to sex than just orgasms. There was a power dynamic to sex. And in that moment, witnessing Teddy stumble to try and speak, I felt powerful. I never knew it could be like that.
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music by creating channels based on their favorite artists and songs. One Saturday afternoon as I waited for all my events to finish, I got the urge to hear some Sade as I searched for a dress, necklace and bra to buy for an upcoming date. These channels that you create don’t just play songs by that particular artist. What you end up with is a mix of artists and songs that are all similar to the one you chose.| You are subscribed to email updates from And That's Why You're Single™ To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
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