And That's Why You're Single |
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- Dating & Schadenfraude: Admit It…You Like It When Single Friends Struggle
- The Assumptions We Make That Keep Us Single
| Posted: 22 Oct 2013 03:20 PM PDT
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| Dating & Schadenfraude: Admit It…You Like It When Single Friends Struggle Posted: 22 Oct 2013 06:05 AM PDT Name: Emily (for the purpose of posting, but you can see my real name in my email address) Basic background information: She claims that she wants desperately to be in a relationship and is lonely. However, here’s what happens: Another strange thing about her relationships with men – she never refers to men by their names. She gives them juvenile sounding monickers, such as “diabetes guy” or “christian rock dude”. She won’t even refer to my boyfriend by his name – she came up with some dumb nickname for him too. When I try to talk to her about her dating issues, she always chalks it up to her age (claiming that after she hit 36, men were no longer interested in dating her). What does this sound like to you?
So, these are your two most recent comments. Here and here. My impression of you based on your comments and this letter is that you are passive aggressive. You’re trying to get at someone with your statements and this note. You’re not looking to help your friend. You want to make her (or someone else) look bad and then sit back and enjoy the schadenfraude. What this letter demonstrates is the subversive way people like to compete with each other when it comes to the opposite sex and dating. You read this blog to get insight into your single friends love lives? You draft a mini-manifesto because you’re concerned for her apparently dysfunctional dating ways? Well, aren’t you the nurturer/caretaker.Why do you care this much again? Because I can’t figure that part out. Your male friends all describe her as unattractive? Hmm..maybe they do that because they know that’s what you want to hear? I don’t trust your perception or POV. If this friend exists, you clearly resent her. Any time someone has to defend their presence on a dating blog or in the comments of a dating related article with, “Well, I’m married/in a relationship so I don’t really need dating advice but…” they’re being condescending. Or they’re lying. Remember, we can all be whomever we want to be on the internet. As I’ve said before, married or non-single people who flock to dating advice articles or ingratiate themselves into the lives of their single friends “to help” aren’t trying to help. They either like to revel in the lives of these struggling single people or they fear they’re missing out on something. Trust me. They aren’t there doling out their wisdom out of the kindness of their hearts. They’re hate-reading or hate-listening. Then they go somewhere else and mock the single person with the problem or feign sympathy while internally snarking on them. This is one of the multitude of reasons I don’t publicly discuss my personal life in any depth. Usually, that type of thing is done to legitimize someone’s life. I don’t need to do that. It’s also done to one up and compete with others, something else I feel no need to do. They’re story isn’t mine and vice versa. The main reason I don’t offer such tid bits is because I’m not going to spoon feed people like the OP any information so they can turn around and deconstruct me under the guise of caring. That kind of “help” can ultimately be the undoing of any blossoming relationship. This is something we all do. I’m certainly not above it. But I don’t pretend to care about that person’s welfare. People who are critical to be critical out of dislike and own it have my respect. At least they’re honest about it. Nothing makes me want to give someone the “Orly?” face more than pretend concern.
I can not state more emphatically that this kind of behavior is something single people should avoid at all costs. It is destructive. I read it here and on various sites and I just want to flick every single one of these people pretending to care about the single person’s issue in the forehead and tell them to beat it. Emily, you don’t care about your friend, if this woman even exists. You’re looking for something else here. Not sure what that is, nor do I feel like expending the energy trying to figure that out. People like you are fatiguing in your ways. If you have something to say, just say it and spare everybody the agony of having to decode and decipher your intentions.
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| The Assumptions We Make That Keep Us Single Posted: 21 Oct 2013 03:32 PM PDT A conversation with a friend today made me realize that there are assumptions that we sometimes make in the dating process that ultimately 1. Picking an expensive restaurant or bar at which to meet that cute doctor you met on OKCupid.- Just because someone works in a field that is known for it’s high income bracket doesn’t mean you should take advantage. This is a great way to lose points with a new possible partner. 2. Showing up for a date that was scheduled around dinner time and expecting that a meal is included. - Eat before you go out. Never expect that dinner will be included unless the invitation included a meal. Nobody is obligated to feed you except you. 3. Arriving at their apartment for your “dinner and a movie” date and expecting sexy time. – I’ve said this one before, I don’t go over to a man’s apartment unless I plan on sleeping with him. But not everybody thinks that way. Plan accordingly. The flip side to that is… 4. Inviting someone over to watch a movie and order take out and being shocked that they want to get naked. – Of course they do. That’s a big part of why they’re there. That doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them or that you’re obligated to have sex. Just understand that your guest is probably hoping for a little naked Twister. 5. Expecting to spend the night after you’ve had sex for the first time. – Not everybody does a full sleep over the first time. Often, especially for men, they weren’t planning on sex and so they didn’t bring a toothbrush or contact lens case or they have to be up early, etc. If they get up to leave, don’t necessarily think they’re trying to blow you off. If they said they had fun and want to see you again, believe them until they give you a reason not to. 6. Thinking you and they are exclusive – Unless it’s stated explicitly, you’re not exclusive. Read it. Learn it. Live it. You and they are both free agents until the terms of the love contract have been communicated and decided upon verbally. 7. Expecting them to look just like their photos. – Nope. Few people ever do. They might look better, they might look worse. 8. Calling them when they offer you their phone number. - Nowadays, it’s best to text first. If someone you meet online gives you their mobile number, don’t assume that means they want you to call them. So many people are phone avoidant these days that they probably won’t even answer 9. Freaking out because 24 hours has gone by and that person you normally talk to every day hasn’t contacted you. – First, you can always contact them. Second, sometimes people get busy or are thrown curve balls. If several days pass and you don’t hear from them, then freak out. But not after just one or two. 10. Thinking it’s a coincidence that a particular ex popped up just around the time you broke up with someone or happened to show up somewhere . – It’s a safe bet that an ex is keeping tabs on you in one way or another. If they show up mysteriously close to when you said something via social media about being recently single or right after you ranted at The Universe for sitting home on a Friday night, there’s a really good chance that person saw it and seized the moment.If you tweeted that you were going to be at a certain place at a certain time and they “happened” to shop up there, it likely wasn’t by accident. 11. Believing it was fate when someone says that you “popped into their head” or something similar and that’s why they decided to reach out to you. – If you have heard hide no hair from them in a very long time, then their re-appearance probably wasn’t motivated by nostalgia. They’re recycling. And I guarantee you weren’t the first person they reached out to and gave that line. Any others?
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