Wednesday, March 19, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

What “You’re Too Picky” Really Means

Posted: 19 Mar 2014 02:35 PM PDT


Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Lucywomaneer-flirting

Comment: Dear Moxie,

You have helped me a lot with dating questions in the past, mainly by showing how immature I have been. I appreciate that you tell it like it is and don’t just tell me what I want to hear. If you have time to answer this, I would appreciate it very much.

So here is some background to my question. I’m 24 and I recently lost 50lbs. I’ve also gained a lot of confidence. I dated some abusive men in the past and was very needy for a man and unable to have my own life. I’m not like that any more but I’m finding it difficult to find someone because I don’t need a man for my self-esteem anymore so I don’t have a reason to find a relationship. I am getting more positive reactions than I ever have done before. I want to settle down and find ‘the one’.

I’m not in love with myself. I’m not an arrogant person, but I find that I have become really picky. My friends have warned me that I have to be less picky regarding looks – they don’t think I’m shallow but they think I’m all about instant attraction. In all honesty, I do try to give a good guy a chance. Recently I met a lovely guy and I really want to feel a spark and to like him romantically and I just can’t no matter how much I try – and we have been on 6 dates so far (have kissed but it didn’t feel right to me). That’s just one scenario. The other scenario I regularly deal with is meeting men I do have the hots for, but they are always only after one thing from me. I have become better at filtering for these guys but they are still there. I’d like to meet someone I feel a spark for and like his personality too – not just someone with either one or the other.

My friends think my over focus on finding ‘the one’ and the fact I’m unemployed is making me too picky. I’m scared I’ll be alone forever. I’m scared that I’ll have to settle for someone I don’t feel a spark with and always be looking over my shoulder for someone I like better. I don’t want to do that to a guy and I feel people deserve better than that. I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t have a passion for. But it’s hard for me to find what I want.

I have committed misdeeds in my past that make me feel like damaged goods. I once dated a man that I didn’t find attractive but I liked his personality. We almost got to the stage of getting engaged but he wasn’t treating me right. He didn’t spend any time with me for the last 2 months of our relationship and I ended up cheating on him because I got too sexually frustrated. I confessed immediately afterwards and that relationship ended. I haven’t had a serious relationship ever since. I feel stupid that I acted out, and did that, rather than acknowledge my own feelings and end it myself. I have learnt my lesson from that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here but I just hope you can help me see where I’m going wrong. As I say. your answers in the past pointed out my immaturity but gave me a lot of insight too. I wonder what your thoughts are on this.

Love from Lucy
Age: 24
City: Edinburgh
State: Scotland

TL;DR version: Can I still date hott guyz?

My friends have warned me that I have to be less picky regarding looks -

The other scenario I regularly deal with is meeting men I do have the hots for, but they are always only after one thing from me

These two things are very telling. It’s not the fact that you’re underemployed that makes your friends think you’re being too picky. That’s probably what they’re saying it is, but it isn’t. Guys don’t really care about that unless you’re expecting them to spend serious bank on you.

I am of the belief that often times when someone tells a friend that they should be less picky regarding looks, what they’re actually saying is, “You aren’t attractive enough to get the type of person you want.” I’m going to guess that’s exactly what they’re trying to tell you, especially since the men you are attracted to just want to have sex with you. See, that means you’re shooting out of your league. You’re going for guys who will take you out once or twice, depending on their options at the time, who might not be all that attracted to you.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here

You’re asking for permission to continue doing what you’re doing. You want me to tell you that you shouldn’t give up on your pursuit of that spark so you can keep going after guys who are way out of your league. You might even want me to tell you that you’re friends are sabotaging you. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.

I’ve seen this kind of behavior before in people who recently lost a significant amount of weight. They want to make up for lost time, so they pursue people that, before, didn’t look twice at them. These people are expecting things to be different because they have slimmed down. What they don’t ever consider was that their weight wasn’t what was truly getting in their way. As I’ve told you before when you’ve submitted other letters, I think you’re a bit of a drama queen and like attention. Now that? That’s a problem if you’re looking for The One. Because The One isn’t going to tolerate that for long. Cheating on your Ex and then telling him reeks of drama. I think that, more than anything else, is why men get tired of you and ditch you.

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