And That's Why You're Single

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Why Do Unavailable People Act Like They’re Available? Posted: 16 Mar 2014 02:27 PM PDT Tweet Name: Emma Website: Question: Sorry for a long post. So, about a year ago I noticed this attractive guy working in the same building I work ( different company). Since he was quiet and a little unsocial person with everyone I only gathered courage to break an ice a couple of month ago after plenty of eye contact, smiles and casual “hi”s during the past few months. Anyways he appeared to be an amazing guy by all means ( at least that’s what I thought) we were like close friends in just a few days( along with heavy flirting from both sides). We have been spending all possible time during business hours together but he never asked me out on a date. First I thought I was friend zoned, but based on what he have been talking to me and the way he looked I crossed out that explanation. During first conversations I indirectly asked about GF several times, he has not said straight up that he was single but he implied he didn’t have a GF. That seemed like a red flag but he was very judgmental about one guy who was hitting on me while hiding he had a GF and said that  he would have never done anything like that. So I neglected GF version too. Anyways, after spending hell of a lot of time with him for six weeks, showing genuine interest, positively responding his advances, sharing a lot about ourselves to each other, casually meeting few of his friends and in general spending an awesome time with him ( he said multiple times that he enjoyed being with me  a lot as well) as hard as it was I realized that I was getting used to him too much and considering he was not asking me out regardless of everything I decided to back off a little to wind out a little and also see what would have happened. Anyways after not seeing him for a few days we talked again and everything was awesome again but I don’t know why I just suddenly asked if he had a GF,( probably deep down I knew he had) and he said yes and that they were living together but not everything was going well. That day I managed to act cool and pretend I didn’t care, but I died inside and he probably noticed. Since then we talked few times but I avoid him as much as possible and whenever we talk I am as cold as I manage to be , and I manage well. Anyways My mind knows that that’s it I should move on because being a house wrecker is way beyond my boundaries , besides I don’t think a man who can be stolen from other is  worth having around , also  he lied indirectly by not disclosing the information I should have known, even though I have gave him plenty of opportunity to mention SO if he had one. But at the same time I just want and need to know why he did this, and if his entire personality I was attracted and impressed about was fake and total lie. I mean I am good at recognizing people , have never made a mistake during 25 years and this guy really seemed the most genuine thoughtful honest caring guy with high moral values and standards I have ever known. So I don’t get it why he did this . Meantime he seems to feel guilty (unless it’s an act too) most of the time respects my attempts of avoiding him, but occasionally still tries to talk and show interest. And it’s hard for me to keep not talking to him, I miss sharing my good and bad experiences with him and just talking to him as a friend, but I don’t think its a good idea to try staying friends with him. So my questions: why he have not mentioned gf and why my decision about staying as far away from him as possible is the only right choice right ?! P.s. And yes deep inside I’m looking for any kind of reassurance about cutting him off and yes because of that I’m questioning my moral values for secretly hoping he breaks up with his GF and tries to work it out with me. Hopefully I’ll stick with my right decision and don’t let him get close to me again. Thanks for your input! Age: 25 State: You’re asking why he did “this.” What did he do? He befriended you. Sure, maybe he flirted with you but…is that really such a crime? I was having this discussion with a friend the other night. I have said before that flirting when you’re already in a relationship or even married is pretty common and usually means nothing. Now, overt attempts to get with you while with someone else? That’s a horse of a different color. But flirting? It happens. It really isn’t the end all, be all that people make it out to be. And frankly, I think the people who get up in arms about married people flirting really just reveal how under-socialized they are. This is a thing, folks. It doesn’t necessarily mean the person doing the flirting who is unavailable is actually trying to get into your pants. He didn’t mention his GF because you didn’t ask him directly. Yes, he lied indirectly. Should he have brought her up? Yes, especially since he probably knew you were crushing on him. That’s the humane thing to do. Like you, he probably enjoyed the flirting. People going through rough patches in their relationships often look outside of the relationship for a little bit of reassurance or attention to help get them through. Again, this is a thing. The morally indignant parade can line up to the left if they think I’m justifying bad behavior. I’m not saying that it’s not problematic, but I’m also not saying it’s wrong and that people who do it are horrible, horrible people who deserve to be burned at the stake. Once you realize and accept that this kind of behavior exists and is common, then you can recalibrate your expectations and boundaries and you won’t get caught up in it as often. PS? Men and women are both guilty of this behavior. That seemed like a red flag but he was very judgmental about one guy who was hitting on me while hiding he had a GF and said that  he would have never done anything like that. Then maybe all that time he wasn’t hitting on you? Maybe he was just being friendly and you saw and heard what you wanted? The part about him being genuine and honest and how now he acts guilty sounds like you’re projecting what you’re  feeling on to him. Something I’ve noticed is that many people aren’t able to correctly identify genuine attention and interest. Which is why, I believe, so many people get confused or even hurt and offended when someone unavailable flirts with them. Some people just do that to get a reaction. Other people do it because they like to be thought of as charming or sexy.  And some folks to it because they want to cheat and have every intention of cheating. That last category? Yes, they suck. The other two? Eh, harmless. That is, as long as you don’t take it super seriously.  Someone genuinely interested will try to get to know more about you. If they aren’t actively trying to find out if you’re taken or single, then chalk that up to harmless flirting with no intent to follow through. You said yourself that you sensed he had a girlfriend. If that was the case, then you could have easily asked him about it. But you didn’t. Why? Because you didn’t want to know. That makes you complicit, too.  So own that. Every time I hear a story from someone saying that they were hanging out with or even dating someone for a period of time, like a few weeks or months, and didn’t know they were in a relationship or married my eyebrows raise to the sky. ORLY? Not buying it. On some level, we know. The reason you should stay away from him is that the more time you spend with him, the more invested you will become in the attention. When he doesn’t end up leaving his girlfriend, which might happen, you’ll be devastated. You don’t want to become that woman he turns to with all his problems. Let him get a therapist for that. Or he could do something revolutionary and talk to his girlfriend. If you’re feeling bold, then ask him to keep his distance for a little while because you developed a crush and don’t feel comfortable hanging out with him knowing he has a girlfriend. See what he does then.

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