And That's Why You're Single |
| Posted: 06 Mar 2014 05:53 AM PST Name: Am You seem to be standing on principle and waiting for him to bring up the topic of marriage. Let’s face it. The jig is up here. You have a child together. Initiating a conversation about the future is mandatory. There are matters and legalities that need to be decided upon and put in place so that your child is protected. Could your guy be hesitant about getting married? Yes. As he should be. As anybody should be. But the fact that you have a child together should make you throw away all of those outdated traditions and fantasies and buckle down and come up with a plan. If you feel marriage is the best case scenario for your relationship and your family, then you need to bring it up. I realize that encouraging the woman to initiate the discussion of marriage or getting engaged might ruffle some feathers. But the reality is that no one who wants to get married should just hang out and wait to see if they are on the same page with their partner. It’s not the man’s “job” to bring up this topic. The marriage (and possible repercussions) involve both of you. Even if you didn’t have a child together, I would still suggest that you take the initiative and re-open this conversation. You don’t have to propose but if this is something you want, then there’s nothing wrong with broaching this subject. I think the days of sitting back and waiting for the man to put this option on the table are gone. Both people have too much at stake to stick to outdated gender roles. We are now at a point where many marriages involve pre-nups or other forms of cohabitation agreements. Marriage isn’t just about a wedding and a ring. Marriage needs planning, too. I would wait for a moment when you and he can talk without interruption and revisit the subject. Don’t wait for him to do it. ETA: I published this and then was cleaning my apartment when a thought came to me. There were a number of things about my father’s probate case that were maddening and enraging, but nothing moreso than the fact that my two sisters sat back and just assumed my father would take care of their respective situations. My sister who just passed insisted that my father agreed to waive the balance of the promissory note once he and my step-mother had died. Unfortunately, he never put that in writing. My other sister is convinced that my father bought the condo where she lives for her, and therefore we should not even consider selling it. Once again, my father never adjusted any paperwork to state that she would be sole owner upon his death. She was never on the deed or title. These two women did nothing to ensure their respective security. They assumed that my father would just handle everything. They walked around thinking that a man would save them and take care of them. That is a dangerous way to live. I can not stress enough how vital it is for someone to ask those uncomfortable questions that we avoid posing because we don’t want to rock the boat. Never, ever, EVER let talks about finances, money, wills, housing, deeds, end of life planning, pre-nups, etc fall by the wayside thinking you’ll just cause a fuss. When emotions and money get involved, all bets are off. I don’t care how wonderful you think your relationship is. Grief, anger, and greed can and will throw your life and the lives of loved ones into upheaval if you do not take the steps necessary to ensure your security and that your wishes will be honored. I learned the other day that my father had purchased a grave plot for 4 people. That’s where he was supposed to be buried. My mother occupied one of those spots. My step-mother decided that he would be laid to rest across the pathway in his family’s plot. Why? She didn’t want to be in the same plot as my mother. I’m still kind of reeling from this information as well as from the fact that, you know, I wasn’t included in this conversation at the time. I’m telling you right now, no matter what you think of the person you choose to settle down with, the only thing that will guarantee that your wishes will be honored is to put it in writing. Don’t leave it up to your partner to handle that stuff, because there’s a really good chance they’ll do what is best for them, not you.
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