And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 23 Apr 2014 02:30 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Lily

:
Comment: Is it bad to have a no strings attached arrangement with a guy who told you he was not looking for anything serious (when he knew that you were), with a mutual understanding that you would continue to go on dates with other guys to find a relationship. Then, if you met a guy with relationship potential you end the no strings attached fling?

I ask because this is my current situation and I have no intention of ruining what could be a potential relationship just to be with some guy who is not offering anything worth sticking around for. I don’t feel bad because I made it clear from the beginning what I was looking for and would continue to look for while having a fling with him. I would of assumed that he would understand that our arrangement would end at some point (how sustainable are these flings??) when I met someone with whom there could be a potential relationship.

I had no intention of sleeping with him while seeing where things go with this other guy I met. However, when we initially discussed our arrangement I didn’t tell him I would end it when I found someone with relationship potential. Was I supposed to spell that out for him? He knew the whole 4 months we were doing this that I was meeting other guys and I reiterated to him several times that I was looking to be exclusive with one person, in a relationship.

Is he just dumb or was I not clear enough?? It’s called ‘no strings’ for a reason right? This guy is giving me a hard time about this. It’s getting quite annoying.
Age: 35
City: Toronto
State: Ontario

Why don’t we begin by admitting that you’re not even remotely annoyed by the fact that your no strings guy is “giving you a hard time.” Let us also establish that this supposed “hard time” you’re getting is either in your head or is, at best, tangentally connected to the fact that you’re dating someone else.

We’re supposed to infer from this letter that your no strings guy is somehow jealous because that’s what you’re inferring from his reactions. But that doesn’t make much sense given the fact that he was the one to tell you he didn’t want a relationship with you. So, if he said that, why then would he be annoyed? I could see him being annoyed if you were cancelling plans on him or otherwise treating his disrespectfully. However, that doesn’t mean he’s jealous. It means he’s annoyed with your behavior. Which, let’s be honest, is possibly what you’re going for. You could be trying to rattle him so you can use his reaction to support the narrative in your head.

I had no intention of sleeping with him while seeing where things go with this other guy I met.

And yet, you did. So you know what that tells me? It tells me that this guy you keep saying has relationship potential actually doesn’t. You’re sitting here saying that you don’t understand why the no strings guy is upset because you didn’t honor your own terms. If he is frustrated, it’s likely because you’re playing a game. You are completely wrapped up in Mr. NSA’s feelings and seemingly unaffected by the fact that you slept with someone else while dating a guy who you imply actually wants something more with you. If you’re not sleeping with that guy but are sleeping with Mr. NSA, that’s even more evidence that you’re not really into Relationship Guy. Don’t waste your time saying you’re waiting because Relationship Guy has potential and you don’t want to ruin things, because by sleeping with NSA Guy you are complicating the situation.

However, when we initially discussed our arrangement I didn’t tell him I would end it when I found someone with relationship potential.

Is your NSA guy impaired in some way? If not, then the dissolution of the arrangement when you found someone with relationship potential was implied. If you continue to engage him and argue about this non-existent point, then you’re not really annoyed. You’re pretending to be because, secretly, you’re enjoying the drama. What’s frustrating you is that NSA guy isn’t saying what youw ant him to say. You’re hoping that if you poke and prod him enough, he’ll confess his love.

There is no problem here other than the one you are manufacturing. If you want to end things with NSA guy, end things. If you don’t, don’t. It sounds to me like you’re using Relationship Guy as a way to force NSA guy’s hand, and I highly doubt that will work. If you want to know if NSA guy has feelings for him, then ask him. If he says no or that he doesn’t want more, then focus attention on Relationship Guy. This is all very simple.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2014