And That's Why You're Single |
- Do You Even Know What Sex Positive Means?
- Oh, Bitter Dudes. Never Change.
- Which Is Worse: Emotional Betrayal or Physical Betrayal?
- Dirty Talk: Why Can’t Women Talk/Write About Sex Without Being Judged?
| Do You Even Know What Sex Positive Means? Posted: 21 Apr 2014 01:45 PM PDT So, today I was reading this post and decided to leave a comment. Instead of approving it, the woman who writes the blog  decided to delete it. Therefore, I’m going to publish the comment here and use it as a spring board for discussion.
Now, I haven’t always been as sex positive and free to be you and me about this whole topic. Like this blogger, I was guilty of some slut shaming myself. But the more involved I became in certain communities, and the more voices I heard, and the more smack talk I read, the clearer it became that I had my own personal hang ups about sex and how female sexuality was perceived. I loved talking about sex, but I didn’t want anybody – especially men – thinking I was slutty. I used it for validation. And then something switched. I stopped believing all those myths and rumors we’ve all heard about how sex or sex too soon impacts our love lives. If I wanted to have sex, I had it. If I didn’t, I didn’t. I didn’t put much thought into what the guy thought. In fact, I pretty much stopped taking their opinions about me into consideration at all. I took all of the experiences I’ve had over the years and developed my own personal code, and I’ve been pretty happy since. I no longer over think things, nor do I care if someone might “use” me for sex. But the most important thing I did was stop allowing so many other people to define me by what I put in my vagina or mouth and when. And yes, John, I love me a hot creamy facial from time to time. I like being told what a slut I am as he yanks my hair. I. dig. that. shit.
That’s what sex positivity is about. You want to pick someone up in a bar and do it in the bathroom? Do it. You want to wait until you’re married? Do it. As the great Missy Eliot once said, “Ain’t no shame, baby, do your thing. Just make sure you’re ahead of the game.” The only caveat involved with being sex positive is that you’re responsible and mindful of the responsibilities of the sex. Got those things covered? Fuck away, my good friend. What makes me beyond stabby is when I read posts like this. First of all, the author doesn’t even have a clear understanding of the topic on which she’s writing. She has an agenda, and that agenda is to convince people that casual sex is bad. Why? Because that will level the playing field for her. And you know what? I’d have more tolerance for this bullshit if she just came out and said that rather than playing both sides.
Except, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT SEX POSITIVE MEANS. From Urban Dictionary:
So, you see, being sex positive means not applying any kind of restrictions or rules on people’s sexual choices. Dude, I don’t mind if you have a certain opinion, but for fuck’s sake actually know what you’re talking about instead of using buzz words to sound hip.
 Oh. I see. So somebody who does speak positively about sex who also chooses lovers based on criteria that you don’t deem important is better. Gotcha. Thanks for explaining that to me. Translation: I’m not like the rest of those sluts. Dude, what ever.
Ugh. Look. I’ve been there. And you know what? I can honestly say that when I’ve made it a point to let guys know what I do and what I talk about, I was using it. At one point I was using it to get attention. And then when those guys would make a move or show interest in sleeping with me, I’d get all offended and fucked up and oh my god they think I’m easy. I know my people. They like using sex to be seen a certain way, but when it comes time to ante up, they play the I’m not a slut card. I can’t be bothered to be offended by people who make such assumptions anymore. When I did get offended, it was because I knew I was putting something out there that I didn’t fully own. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more liberating than owning your sexuality and not giving a shit what people think. Try it. But the truly unfortunate thing is the mixed message being dispersed. Talk about sex indiscriminately, but don’t have it indiscriminately. Use sex to get something, but don’t use it for pleasure. I’m so god damn tired of this. Own your shit and deal with it. Finally, if you’re so desperate to make people believe that nobody disagrees with you that you didn’t allow my comment, get a fucking note book and leave your thoughts in there. You and your little disclaimer saying, “No negativity!” can both suck my dick.
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| Oh, Bitter Dudes. Never Change. Posted: 21 Apr 2014 05:39 AM PDT Author : Hardtruth Here goes ladies, men are, who we are and many of us operate in an opposite partner value system to women. In most cultures men value the chastity of women. The farther they were away from that ideal, the less they were valued on the marriage market. A form of this chastity value system still exist to some degree with many, (MANY) men today. Ladies, even though you feel or may look young, your looks and vaginal value has a diminishing value. While when young many women bartered these attributes, (like Berkshire Hathaway stock) into snagging high value alpha males, while dismissing a slew of (at the time) unacceptable also ran suitors. Ten years later, two or three kids out of the womb, their stock can barely get a listing on a (metaphorical) commodities market. Fortunately today, men know they don’t have to accept any kind of women or be shamed by being called selfish for not wanting to raise someone else’s prodigy. Is there a double standard in regards to single dads and single moms, absolutely. You see, a man can have five children with a woman and he’ll display no visual or internal physiological effects. While a woman having five children, quit often will have weight issues, stretch marks, C-section scars, loss of vaginal elasticity, and other physiological issues. Most men like their mates vagina tight and right, I rarely hear of men seeking to (throw their hotdog down a hallway) when having sexual intercourse. Don’t get me wrong, I know with kagels and other forms of exercise, some recovery can be done to address some of these issues. But considering all of the other potential issues with dating single mothers, many men will just take a pass at the gate. I find this matriarchal social conditioning distasteful at times. If a man without children marries a woman with several children, he’s lauded by women and universally called, a good men. So does that mean that men who won’t date these women, are no good or selfish for not giving these women a chance? About that seeking out older men, men like myself and George Clooney, we don’t date women with young children either. Save the comments to me about how shallow I am. I know how to make a woman feel very special. I’ve never had any problems finding women, my problem has been finding quality women. I used to turn down numerous flirtations, (with tact) from women with some frequency. No one else wanted to go where I went with my comment, but it is, what it is. If you didn’t know, now you know.
Honestly? I don’t think most people give this subject nearly as much thought as you do. Your opinions don’t really faze me. What’s annoying is this idea that you have that you’re dropping some kind of truth bomb on us. It’s that sort of self-indulgent gasbaggery that strips any wisdom or insight from your comment. You’re not unique or rare or special or brave for delivering “the hard truth.” As for categorizing yourself with George Clooney, I just…okay. Whatever, dude. You and George should just go and enjoy his villa on Lake Como and brah it out, then.
And just to be clear..I’m not offended by anything you said. It’s the same repetitive garbage you guys spew on a regular basis whilst pretending to nail super models. It’s a bunch of buzz words thrown in with a few “brutal truths” for good measure. And it’s tired. We get it. The world has been unkind to you because you’ve all been so oppressed. You’re all single or divorced because women just, like, don’t get you, man. What the fuck ever.
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| Which Is Worse: Emotional Betrayal or Physical Betrayal? Posted: 21 Apr 2014 05:08 AM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): AR Comment: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about three months. He’s charming and I like him very much. However, there’s something that drives me nuts about him; his best friend is a girl–we’ll call her Sarah. Since we began dating he’s been talking about Sarah non-stop. (Btw, my boyfriend is 33 and Sarah’s 23, and they’ve only been friends for a year). He tells me that he tells Sarah everything, that she’s amazing, beautiful, and he even pities the “difficult” life she’s had (barf). When I first started dating him, he told me that he had stopped seeing a woman several months ago b/c the woman he was seeing had started lies about his relationship with Sarah. He never told me what sort of lies, but I could guess that he was hinting at romantic lies, that they liked each other or something. When he told me that he had stopped dating her, I felt scared and waited until our relationship was established to tell him that I too felt weird about it. So, when I told him how I felt, he was obviously upset, but as we talked it out, he seemed to want to work for our relationship and make modify his relationship with Sarah in order to make me feel comfortable. Despite the fact that he seemed understanding, something changed after I confided in him and things got weird. It just wasn’t the same. He became defensive and withdrawn. He wouldn’t tell me if he had gone out with her or seen her. I shouldn’t go too in depth, but to make this clearer, theres another friend involved who is deeply in love with Sarah. Sarah, however, doesn’t like him. So, my boyfriend, the other guy, and Sarah go out together all the time, just the three of them. He does so to make me feel comfortable, but he has also hinted that he feels chaperoned and that it’s not the same as just hanging out with Sarah. Also, I forgot to mention, Sarah and him text about 30 times a day (according to my bf). And yes, when I’m with him he constantly receives texts from her that he answers almost immediately. Anyways, I recently met her at a bar that they all frequent. It was my first time there. My boyfriend was excited to have us meet. She came up to me shook my hand and said, “That was awkward,” made a u turn and left to sit in the patio alone. After she left my boyfriend asked me to go with him to get her and ask her to sit with the rest of us (there were more people there and she knew all of them but me). Ever since then, I’ve grown to dislike her even more. I thought she was rude and immature. Is it normal? Am I being too judgmental? Why do I feel like they have something? He’s 33 and she’s 23? Not only do I find romantic pairing s with that kind of age difference questionable, but I also find platonic relationships with that kind of age range suspect. I have no idea if your boyfriend secretly harbors feelings for Sarah. But he does sound immature, which is equally as troubling. He’s placing her comfort level over that of the women he dates. That’s problem Number Two. But here’s the other situation that’s making this difficult. You don’t like her. And she probably knows it. I wouldn’t be surprised if your boyfriend, believing he’s doing the right thing, is telling Sarah how annoyed all his girlfriends are by her presence. This is the clusteriest of clusterfucks because your boyfriend doesn’t appear to know how to navigate this and keep the peace. Which means the onus is on you to rise above it all. I know. It sucks. But if you ever do walk away from this, you want to be able to do it with your dignity intact. You do not want this to devolve into a contest for this guy’s affections. No woman should ever compete with another woman for a man. Ever. In the end, that man is never worth all that drama. Sarah likely doesn’t understand that, when a close friend of either gender gets into a relationship, the boundaries change. There’s no more calling them after a bad date or expecting them to join you for happy hour so you can get laid. Their relationship is now a priority and the friendship drops down a bit. That doesn’t give a friend permission to drop out of sight completely, because that’s a shitty thing to do. But, as their friend, we allot them some leeway. I don’t call my married friends after a certain time on weekdays or during weekends. That’s their time with their partner and children. I don’t call friends who stay at home with their kids after 2pm because I know they’re preparing for their kids to come home from school. Nothing going on in my life will take precedence over helping a child with homework or enjoying a glass of wine with their partner after a long day. When we do talk, it’s usually early morning or late at night when kids are in bed or their partner is asleep. With the exception, of course, of my married male friends. There are no late night phone calls. That’s a recipe for trouble. What bothers me most about your situation isn’t that there’s the potential for attraction. That threat is always present. Physical betrayal wouldn’t upset me nearly as much as an emotional betrayal. Sex with someone else other than me? Eh. It’s sex. People like sex. People like variety. It’s an understandable desire, which is why I’m a proponent of open relationships. The sex doesn’t faze me. Establishing and building an emotional connection to that person would. I’m their port in the storm, not them. You want to fuck someone else? Godspeed. Use a condom and we’re cool. But you want to mimic the emotional intimacy you have with me with someone else to whom you might develop an attraction? Nope. Beat it. I don’t give that to just anybody. It’s the emotional attachment and possible ensuing dependency and not the sex that is the threat to a relationship, in my opinion. That’s is what concerns me about the scenario you are depicting in your letter, AR. Your boyfriend has a dependency on Sarah. Even if he doesn’t want to have sex with her – which is unlikely – there’s still a level of intimacy there that would make me nervous. He’s already made it clear he won’t give her up. That, too, is problematic. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can say that you should think hard about whether or not you wish to continue this relationship, as I don’t see Sarah going any place any time soon.
  
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| Dirty Talk: Why Can’t Women Talk/Write About Sex Without Being Judged? Posted: 20 Apr 2014 03:43 PM PDT The other night I took part in a Twitter Chat about Dirty Talk and Phone Sex.
I like talking dirty. I especially like writing dirty talk. I’m good at it. So good, in fact, that I’d like to try to get paid for it. All of the postings across the various sites I searched all listed erotic fiction writing jobs that paid less than $50 for 2,500- 5,000 words. Not only that, but the sites all stated that they would retain the rights to the work. As a writer, neither of those two things thrilled me. Not only that, but I felt there was something unfortunate about not being able to take credit for my own work. I like compliments, you see. Then I thought, “Well, why not publish your own stories and sell them?” Yeah, I could do that, too. But trying to do that anonymously is tricky. And frankly, I hate that I would even have to make up a pen name. I mean, why? I know the answer. I’m not dense. I’ve been down this road before. “Those things define you” someone once said. But why do they have to? Plenty of authors include vivid and graphic sex scenes in their novels. What’s the big deal? I’ve written enough opinion and essay style pieces that writing erotic fiction would just be a part of my repertoire. It wouldn’t define me. Would it? I could write it anonymously, of course. But there’s no such thing as anonymous these days. Plus my writing voice is usually detectable. It’s an effort to write something so that it doesn’t sound like me. I also insist upon being paid for it. If I am going to catch heat for it, it’s got to have an financial upside. I don’t want to ghostwrite it because most sites want the author to give up their rights to the work. Uh uh. No way. That means they can turn around and make a bundle off my love of facials and whatnot and not pay me anything. No bueno. Would people judge me for it? Probably. I’m judgmental as hell. I’m judging you right now, in fact. Would people develop preconceived ideas about me? Yup. But I feel as though I’ve come into my own in the past few years where this is concerned. I’m more ready to own it and not feel ashamed of it. I’ve proven myself, haven’t I? It’s all in the presentation. I don’t want to write just Penthouse Forum type stuff. I want to create characters and stories with plots and shit. I like the idea of developing characters that put a spin on conventional or traditional ideas that people have about women (especially women over 35) and sex. Plus I give damn good dirty talk. Thoughts?
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