And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 22 Apr 2014 02:47 PM PDT

itsnotme Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Red

Comment: I started talking to this guy on Tinder almost two weeks ago. We met for coffee on a Saturday evening about 3 days from when we started talking/texting. I laid out my boundaries upfront and so did he, I want to take things slow and enjoy the dating part. He is 39, 3 kids (2 of which are fully grown and have moved out, 3rd kid is 9 and lives with mom, his ties with the mom are strained). He had his son over this past weekend. Last week we set a date to meet for lunch this Friday. Over this Easter weekend we were both very busy, I had plans and he had his son. Sunday afternoon he texts me asking if I would meet for coffee after my Easter dinner plans. I told him I am not sure when dinner would be and what time I will be free. I was actually a little irritated by the request. However my response back to him was would love to see you, we both have had busy weekends lets try for during the week (we still have the friday lunch date). He writes back ok cool, totally understand and he is leaving the ball in my court.

Feeling bad, I agreed to coffee on Tuesday (today). However I am still a little annoyed. As I feel things could be progressing too fast too soon. He asked me if I liked him last week and he also asked me yesterday what my thoughts on him are.

After ONE coffee date and texting every day – does not equal to a relationship or progress in my books. How do I explain that or convey that without being mean? My gut tells me to ditch him, but I could be over-reacting and just painting him with the same brush as my past guys (who have all chased me pretty well and then they pull the “fade” after 2 – 3 months) I am maybe trying to control the pace too much or am I not?
Age: 36
City: CGY
State: AB

All he did was ask you to meet for coffee. What’s the big deal? I think you’re making more of this than necessary.

I will also say that anybody who “lays out their boundaries” on a first date is an automatic dismiss for me. A first date is supposed to be fun. It’s neither the time nor the place for talk about boundaries or expectations. As DMN said recently about Tinder, there’s really no need for women to say things like, “I’m not just looking to hook-up” or “I’d prefer to take things slow.” Neither of those things will actually prevent you from meeting people who just want to get laid or who want to rush into a relationship. Because, see, people like that aren’t really thinking about you and your feelings. They’re thinking about themselves. If anything, those kind of proclamations so early in the game will get you labeled as having issues. You’ll then be considered too much work and the people you’re meeting won’t even bother.

It’s fine to want to control the pace. You just shouldn’t tell someone that you’re trying to control the pace. All that will do is put people off. You control the pace with actions, not words. He sends you a text on Sunday asking to meet for coffee and you don’t want to meet? You wait until the next day to reply and you make up an excuse. “Oh, sorry, my phone was off and I didn’t get this until late last night.” Is it a lie? Yes. Do people know it’s a lie? Probably, but only an idiot would challenge you. You don’t respond to messages right away. You give them dates and times your available without being rigid. That’s how you buy yourself time.

I would also re-think the whole lunch date/once a week date/coffee date thing. One coffee date is okay, I suppose. But you can’t make that a trend. People who do that are usually trying to avoid having a “real” date because they don’t trust themselves. You’re trying way too hard to keep everything on a schedule. You’re not allowing for things to evolve organically. By doing these things, you’re probably sending off messages that you’re closed off or uninterested.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2014