And That's Why You're Single

Do Traditional Dating/Gender Roles Still Exist? #atwys

Posted: 19 Jun 2014 06:41 AM PDT

I read a blog post the other day that I’ve been meaning to write about but life has just gotten in the way. femi

Anywhoo, this is the blog post and here’s an excerpt.

I read an article today on a fellow bloggers Facebook page that was titled 8 Things Women Just Don't Do Anymore (that they should!) and it was quite an interesting read. Now, maybe I was just raised right or maybe it's because I am not a burn-your-bra man hating feminist, or maybe both, but I absolutely agree with the article. Now before you go throwing your burning bras at me or take my Vag card away (or whatever it is that female hating feminists do), hear me out.

Men will start being men, when women start acting like women! And before you say that those that live in glass whore houses shouldn't throw stilettos (or however the saying goes), I actually do each and every thing on that list except for my potty mouth. In my defense, I can clean up my dirty mouth in appropriate situations.

I cook and I serve the meals when I cook, I clean, I take care of myself, I compliment my lover when appropriate, I dress for the occasion, and I do my best to anticipate the needs of my loved ones.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a woman getting an education, working and being her own person, but believe it or now I also have very conservative views when it comes to gender roles, children and marriage. As women, we need to stop emasculating our men and start empowering them to be…men!

I think what stuck with me the most about this post is that it reminded me of me just a few years ago. I was one of those, “I don’t identify as a feminist” types, too, as I had similar ideas of what that meant. Then I branched out a bit and started to immerse myself more in the writings and teaching of other writers and began to realize that my world view was actually astonishingly narrow. I’ve been accused of being a bit of a turn coat by the manosphere, especially because I briefly wrote for xoJane and other similar websites. First, I’ve never been a follower in my life, and I don’t plan on starting to be any time soon. I’ve always made my own decisions and formulated my own opinions. It just took me longer to understand the big picture. What never motivated me was the need for male approval. Which is what I think motivates this particular blogger linked above. My insights were based on my experiences, but because I had never experienced any of the things so often bandied about in feminist forums, I dismissed them. Then I broached out of my little comfort zone and interacted with people who weren’t your typical dating blog types. I also began to grow exhausted by the same language and assertions being thrown about by the red pill/MRA community. Women are the gate keepers of sex. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Yes. We heard you. Mind you, as I’ve said before, I think there are problematic aspects to both sides. But what I know now that I didn’t know then was that the complaints we’d hear about the patriarchy and misogyny were far more widespread than I had realized. Staying in a little bubble prevented me from seeing that.

There will always be people that I lean too close to one side or the other. I can’t prevent that. Some people think I automatically side with men because I have issues with women. I’m sure to some degree they are correct. I do have issues with certain types of women just like I have issues with certain types of men. What I do here is try to present The Big Picture by speaking for whatever side is not represented in the OP’s letter. It just so happens, since a large majority of the people submitting letters are women, I’m often presenting the man’s POV. I push for accountability and self-awareness and critical thinking. That’s the goal.

Moving on…

As I said in my comment on her blog, it would behoove her to understand the general premise of feminism before trying to tear it down. I’m going to tread lightly here because I feel as though I still have quite a bit to learn. Get this: you can get married and take his last name and still be a feminist. You can enjoy dressing up and cooking and taking care of your man and still be a feminist. All being a feminist means is that you believe in choice and equality.

What this blogger doesn’t seem to understand is that feminism is part of the reason why she can write a blog about all the sex she has. It’s feminism that has assisted her in developing a sexual persona without feeling she has to apologize for it. No feminism, no bloggy blog about how she loves porn and has all kinds of wild and crazy sex.

The overall issue I had with her post is that she, like most dating bloggers who haven’t a fucking clue about the issues they’re talking about, is talking out of both sides of her mouth. She doesn’t like the changes in traditional gender roles and thinks feminism is all about being a man hater, but she takes advantage of both of those ideologies whenever possible. She can demean men by calling them “pansies” if they take too long getting dressed, but other women shouldn’t get perturbed if a guy tries to open the door for them. Women can take on what are widely considered masculine traits like cursing and being sexually assertive, but they should never have to pay for a meal on a first date. Because, see, they’re women. (I mean, seriously, can we please get past that one? Offer to pay your share. He probably won’t let you because he knows you’ll think he’s a douche. Contribute financially in some way and just get the fuck over it already.) A man should stand up for his principles and assert himself, but women shouldn’t. Except when they should, like when you want to write a blog post detailing how twee men and butch women have become.

The majority of women I know are unhappy because they want a man who is a man… they want Rhett Butler. Now there's man who knew how to spew those love words and woo a girl, but who would duel in the street if he felt you dishonored him or his family. Swooooon… oh those old-fashioned Southern gentlemen.

And herein lies the real issue. I believe the reason why so many men and women have warped ideas of masculinity and femininity is that they are basing those ideas on FICTIONAL FUCKING CHARACTERS and stories they’ve heard from friends who are almost certainly lying to some degree. The fantasy never matches up to reality, hence why so many people can never find what they’re looking for.

Just as there are no real dating rules anymore, there are really no traditional gender roles anymore. As the dating landscape changes, so do certain societal rules about what is considered masculine or feminine, appropriate or inappropriate. Either change with them, or continue to struggle and get weeded out of the pool.

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Thursday, June 19, 2014