And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 29 Jun 2014 02:43 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Scarlett

Comment: I met this guy online, we chatted, both not looking for a relationship, but not against one either. We decided to try being exclusive “special” friends. We met, texted for a while and then finally hooked up. We then got into a disagreement because he said he deleted his profile and he hadn’t. We stopped talking for about 2-3 weeks.
I contacted him to see if we can try it again and he was game. Here is where it all changed for me. He was dealing with his child being very very ill and during this time visited me. He was obviously vulnerable and it kind of got me more involved emotionally. His child has since recovered, but he is now different with me. Very little to no response to my texts etc…
I asked him if were still on the same page ” not dating anyone else”.
His response was that I was making it weird… What happened?
Age: 34
City: San Francisco
State: CA

What happened is that you said too much.

Let’s start with the “special friends” agreement. I’ll warn everybody that I’m about to make a broad generalization here. When a man says that he’s looking for something casual but is open to more, more than likely he’s just looking for something casual. When a woman says she’s looking or open to something casual but also open to more, she’s looking for the “more” part. She accepts casual hoping/thinking the guy will decide she’s someone he wants to date seriously if he just spends enough time with her.

nope3

Forget any story where the woman was able to convert the guy who stated upfront he was looking for something casual into something more. Also ignore the stories from women who insist that they were the ones who held off on committing to a guy, told him as much, and that he just stuck it out and waited around until she was ready because she was so special. In 90% of those cases, you’re not getting the full story. You’re getting the woman’s interpretation of events. Remember, a lot of women love to present themselves as exceptions to the rule for the sake of elevating themselves above other women.

People who make such declarations like “Looking for something casual but open to more” in their profiles or initial conversations really should be approached with caution. As we discussed a few weeks ago the, “I’m looking for a relationship but open to FWB arrangements” are usually traps used by people who have probably struggled to find a relationship and so have resorted to using the lure of sex as bait. These are people who say they can handle casual but usually can’t. Same goes for people who state explicitly in some way that they’re looking for casual but are not opposed to something serious “down the road.” Let me tell you what’s down the road: heartache, confusion, mixed messages, and frustration. It’s one thing to think it. It’s an entirely different ball of wax to say it, capiche? That’s the distinction to keep in mind.

My guess is that this guy wasn’t so much exclusive with you as he was just not proactively sleeping with other people. I’m not sure what the purpose of agreeing to being exclusive special friends other than it allowed you to think whatever you wanted to think. What does “exclusive special friends” even mean? The whole label is contradictory. How can friends be exclusive? Oh, right. They can’t. Therefore, his agreeing to being super secret wonder twins or whatever was just, you guessed it, words. It meant nothing. He agreed because it got him what he wanted. And he probably lied when eh said he took his profile down. Because, like, people lie. That’s something else that people need to write down and burn into their brains.

“But he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship!”He lied.

“But he said he really liked me!” He lied.

“But he said he was afraid to get attached and that’s why he broke up with me!” He. Lied.

When he said that you were making things weird, OP, what I think he meant is that you were agreeing to be casual but showing signs of treating the situation as though it were serious.When his child was ill, you saw an opportunity to try and make yourself indispensable. Essentially, you tried to use his vulnerability to your advantage. No, the child’s illness is not why you got more involved emotionally. That’s a lie you’ve told yourself because you want to believe you were always okay with the arrangement from the start. You were always involved emotionally, which is the opposite of “casual.” See? We even lie to ourselves. Your attempt to back door a way into a commitment didn’t work. It never does.

If you were truly okay with things being casual, whether or not he took his profile down wouldn’t matter. You tipped your hand by bringing it up. PS? You would have only know this if you had gone looking for his profile or logged in to your account as well. So either you’re snooping or you’re also still using the site. You had no leverage in the argument.

As a very wise friend once told me, there are times when we have to take someone’s word at face value, because unless we have hard reliable proof otherwise, our statements to the contrary would not hold up. The debate would result in nothing but an exhausting back and forth with nothing being resolved. The next time you or anybody else wishes to make pointed accusations, remember that your feelings are not fact. You can say you think something is the case, but then they can come back at you and lie and – without proof – you have no actual defense. You are forced to accept their word, leaving you frustrated. That’s why these petty arguments and points that people like to throw at folks they’re dating usually end up with the person being accused turning things around and making it about you and your crazy. You achieve nothing.

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Sunday, June 29, 2014