And That's Why You're Single

How To Avoid The Email/Text Vortex With People You Meet Online #atwys

Posted: 15 Jun 2014 01:47 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Maxx

Comment: Hi Moxie,

Just looking for some additional insight on this. I’ve been online dating on and off for almost a year and have found recently that some guys I message with on the sites want to quickly move the conversation offline to texting or BBM. I normally don’t like to do this unless or until a plan is made to meet in person. I’ve chatted offline with a couple guys recently, but those led nowhere and I’d rather not get caught up in a “textlationship”. What are your thoughts on this or how do you normally handle it?

Thanks!
Age: 38
City: Toronto
State: Ontario

I have to say that I never encounter this particular problem. I think that has less to do with my standard rule of never giving out my email or number until the day before a date and more to do with the fact that I learned how to avoid the people who are more likely to try and suck me into some Text Vortext.

What type of people, do you think, have the greatest propensity for “textlationships?”

There’s the folks who aren’t capable or interested or ready for face to face human interaction. They reveal themselves in various ways. Such as:

They state in their profile that they are just our of a relationship.
They mention in their profile or messages that they’re new to online dating or are “just looking to meet new people.”
They express overall concerns about the medium of online dating as a whole.
They don’t have any photos of themselves outside of their home or office.

Then there are the scammers or people looking for wank material. How do you spot them?

Their profiles are barely filled out.
The live several states away and contact you any way.
They’re out of your league or not what you typically pull with minimal effort.
They try to ply you with compliments, especially ones that focus on your looks.
The ask inappropriate questions.

And, finally, you have your garden variety attention seeker. They’re easy to identify.

Their photos include shirtless pics or ones where they’re posed provocatively.
The deflect all attempts by you to take things off line.

Most of these clues are interchangeable within all three categories.

How do you handle it if someone asks for your number or offers their’s and you don’t want to give it to them? You use your words.

“As a general rule, I typically keep all communications to the site until I meet someone. Hope you understand. Why don’t we meet for a drink next Wednesday or Thursday?” Done and done. If they push or fade, then you have a pretty good idea of what they’re really looking for.

There’s another, more important, reason why it’s best not to exchange extra emails and texts once a date has been set. That is to avoid the conversation taking a weird or bad turn. A friend of mine was emailing/texting back and forth with a woman from OKCupid for a few days. After about three days of messages (yawn) she asked him two questions, one of which was what he did for work. He answered the first in his email response, but not the second. Of course, this sent up a red flag for the woman. She asked why he didn’t answer her inquiry about his job, he said that he wanted to save some stuff to talk about when they met.

*eyeroll*

Of course, this jettisoned her concerns even higher. Because, well, wasn’t that the point of his evasiveness?

“But it’s a red flag that she even asked me” he said.

“How’s that? You list your income in the details section of your profile. She knows what you make. Now she just wants to know how you make it. What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s a test” he said.

“Yes, and you’re testing her right back by not answering” I countered.

“It’s like if I asked her if she believed in the 3 date rule” he said.

“It’s actually nothing like that, but okay. Whatever.”

“She used the safety excuse” he said.

“Well, yeah, because you were avoiding answering a question” I said. Like, how doe he not get this?

I told him that I felt he set her up to fail. It’s not like it was one of the first few questions out of the gate. That, I agree, is bad form.

This is a perfect example of why you need to exchange a few emails, set a date, then keep communications limited until you meet. Eventually somebody gets too comfortable or conversation lags and things get said or asked with no actual motivation or agenda behind them and they end up getting misinterpreted.

Remember:

Set the date. Don’t communicate. Get their number in case you’re late. Leave the rest up to fate!

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Sunday, June 15, 2014