And That's Why You're Single |
| How Do You Go From “Cool & Casual Girl” to “Relationship Girl?” Posted: 06 Nov 2013 02:54 PM PST Name: Jessica Hey there! I stumbled upon your blog about a week ago and having been combing through posts ever since. I find your advice very insightful and realistic, so I thought I'd give you my issue for discussion. Some background: I've never been in what most people would call a serious/monogamous relationship. I just had fun in college, but I've been out and living back in my hometown for about two years now and find it harder to meet people — specifically boys. Especially when not intoxicated in a bar or club. So I joined an online dating site (OKC) about 3 months ago. I've met about 5 or 6 guys through the site, nothing serious, just casual dates and/or hookups, which I don't have a problem with. I'm not actively looking for a soulmate or a husband, but it would be nice to actually date someone for an extended period of time. Enter Country Boy. He messaged me on Saturday and we set up a date for the same night, just dinner at a casual restaurant and bar. The date was only two hours and totally exceeded my expectations. He was so much cuter in person (score!), funny, sweet, kind, smart, good conversationalist, opened doors, paid, carried my leftovers to my car, etc. We hugged, but didn't kiss, and set up a coffee date for the next afternoon, which I told him I was paying for. So our coffee date turned into a seven hour date-a-thon, with lunch, a movie, fro-yo, and ended with a heavy-petting make-out in his truck. He only let me pay for coffee. We parted ways saying we'd definitely like to see each other again. On Monday, we set up dinner for Tuesday, which I told him I was paying for. We had a great dinner, he went to the grocery with me because I had to pick up a few things, and then we spent about an hour talking/making out like horny teenagers in his truck. We have a date set for Friday. I guess I should also mention that he is a very enthusiastic texter. So when we're not together, we're texting. I don't really need this kind of attention, so Tuesday I told him that I wouldn't be able to text as much because I needed to focus at work and my boss was back in the office. He respected that and curbed the texts. I also slipped into our conversation on Tuesday that I was an introvert, and I enjoyed spending time with him because I didn't feel like I had to fill every moment with talking. That we could just be silent and it didn't feel awkward, which it doesn't. Another plus; he's just so easy to be around. Here comes my question: is this too much too fast? Three dates in four days with more planned? It doesn't feel like he's trying to rush a commitment, just that he wants to see me a lot. He did ask me if I was seeing anyone else and I answered no, because I'm not. He's not either, and we both still have our profiles up. We haven't had sex, and I'm trying to stay away from hanging out at his place, because the sexual tension is like WOAH FEELINGS IN MY PANTS. I like this guy more every time I see him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. But I don't want to rush anything or burn out before we even get started. Any advice for the introverted, commitment-phobe, relationship-challenged? P.S. He’s only 25
I don’t really think you’re any of those things. I think you’re a woman who wants a relationship and has convinced herself she’s cool with playing it casual. You know, like many other women. If you were truly just looking for something low key and casual, none of this would be confusing to you. You also wouldn’t be jumping head first as you appear to be doing. Three dates in four days seems excessive to me. But I’m a cynical spinster who has no feelings in her pants ever. (Seriously the best quote evah!)
You obviously like all of the attention, so why not just drop the pretense and just go with it? Do I think it’s moving too fast? Yes. I do. Does this guy not have a life? Why is he so available? I know that many people take this kind of behavior as a compliment, but to me it always sets off warning bells. But then, you’re much younger than me and maybe this is how people your age move. I’m not saying that sarcastically. I’m admitting to being somewhat out of touch with twenty-something dating. I don’t think he’s rushing commitment. I think he’s rushing sex. Self-identifying as a commitment-phobe is the real issue for me here. You’re clearly not afraid of commitment or of anything serious. You’re just a little inexperienced. Labeling yourself as a commitment-phobe sounds cool and all, but it’s not accurate. You’re just insecure and inexperience. Which is perfectly normal and common when you meet someone you really, really like. The other point that confuses me is why you’re hooking up with rando guys from OCK but terrified you won’t be able to restrain yourself if you’re alone in this guy’s apartment. That feels like maybe you’re not really waiting until you’re ready to have sex but afraid to have sex because you fear you’ll never see this guy again. Breaking news: That’s a definite possibility. If he’s going to bounce, he’s going to do it regardless. So you’re not really protecting yourself from anything. This is another sign that you’re really not okay with casual hook-ups. You’re going to have to bite the bullet and just see where this goes. If it works, it works. The problem is that you’re never going to know how this plays out until you go balls out and just say, “Let’s do this.”
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