Name: Dori
:
Comment: Desperate or Practical?
Dear Moxie,
A quick question, which hopefully is relevant to some of your readers.
I decided to try creating a profile on match.com
They offer two options: regular and deluxe. The price difference is negligible and deluxe option offers various nice features, but one of these features was a bit disconcerting. Deluxe members have profiles with green background, which is supposed to increase visibility. But… would not I come across as desperate? On OKCupid there is (I think) no distinction between paid and unpaid members. What would you advise?
Age: 42
City: Suburbia
State: MA
Personally, I don’t think people really notice the highlighted profiles. During my recent stint on Match, I can say that I don’t recall coming across many profiles that appeared to have a green background. And while I might have recognized what the different colored background signified, I’m not so sure that other people would. You could choose this option, but I honestly don’t feel it would make a difference in your user experience.
The one thing that will compel someone to click on your profile when they’re doing a search is your primary photo. The picture below is the thumbnail version of my primary photo. This is what people see when my profile comes up in a a search. Why do they click on it? Because I’m standing in front of a white curtain wearing a black dress. The picture, because of how the curves of my body pop due to the background, draws people’s focus.
You want your primary photo to stand out. Here are some ways to do that:
Get a professional to take a few head shots. – I know that I’ve said in the past that having professional shots is a no-no. But now that more and more photographers like the one I used take photos specifically for online dating profiles (and even use these sites themselves), I don’t think one or even two professional shots can hurt. The goal is to get people to click on your profile when they do a search. That’s why a great primary shot is crucial. They just can’t be the only photos you use. You’ll need to compensate for the glamor shots by posting an additional 3 or so candid photos. I keep the shot of me in the pink top to show what my hair can actually look like when not blown out. See how the lighting seems off and how the picture quality varies from the others?? That’s one way to tell that a photo is over 2-3 years old.
Make your primary photo a clear shot of your face/head. – Your primary photo should not be one taken of you at a distance. If someone can’t see your face, they’re going to pass by your profile. Your head should not be turned at an angle. It needs to be a straight on shot of your face. You want people to have a good idea of what you will look like up close.
Smile. - A tight lipped smile will immediately ring warning bells for me. Teeth are very important to people, so make sure to show them that you aren’t hiding a mouth full of crooked or discolored teeth.
Your face/head should not be obscured in any way. - That means no hats, no sunglasses, you bars across your eyes, no cropped shots, etc. Honest to God, if you’re too afraid to post your face on a dating site, stay home. You people are way more trouble than you’re worth. And guys? Stop taking pictures of yourself lying on your bed or driving your car. Sheesh.
Do not use photos where you’re posing with other people. – Not for your primary photo, at least. I don’t want to have to guess who you are and end up disappointed. Nor do I want to think you’re trying way too hard by posing with some buxom brunette that you never in a million years. Nor do you want men to see that photo and think you’re the least attractive of your social circle. You do not want to distract the viewer. You want them, for just a few seconds, to think there’s nobody else to consider.
No gym shots. – I suppose there are some people out there who appreciate a good bicep. I’m just not one of them. You end up looking like a jar head gym rat.
Wear an eye catching color/top. – Yes, we all know that red is the supreme color of choice for profile photos. Whatever it is that you wear, it needs to draw attention. This goes for both men and women. Guys, if you post a photo of you in a white t-shirt, then expect to be ignored. It’s boring and a little slovenly. And for the women? One word: boobs. The hint of boobs never hurt. When I want to switch out my primary pictures, I use the one below.
Now let’s talk headlines. The words “fun loving” and “laid back” should be stricken from your online dating vocabulary. Your headline should also be an attention grabber. Keep it short, but give it punch. Just don’t come across combative or arrogant. You can even tease viewers a bit. Yes, that means be suggestive. The point is to get them to click. Enough with the quotes and song lyrics, too.
Finally, let’s discuss usernames. I’ll say this right now: anybody with a series of numbers in their username is an automatic no for me, as are people who use their real name or variation of their real name. So, sorry Mike45578, you’re a simpleton bore who couldn’t even think of a clever username. That goes for you, too, GeneSmith. Show a bit of humor and personality with your username. One profile review client of mine loved the water, so we did some research on various deities involved with the sea and sailing and came up with a profile alias that was both original and intriguing. I use a variation of JoanHolloway because we have similar personalities (no nonsense, amirite??) and body types. Viewers of “Mad Men” will get the reference.
Since we’re talking dating profiles, I’ll link to mine so that you can see what I’ve written.
Notice that I filled in all of the Details Options. You should do that so that you increase your chances of coming up in as many searches as possible. A lot of people leave things like salary and religion out. Don’t do that. The details listed on the right hand sidebar of OKCupid and on Match are there because they are popular search criteria. By not populating those fields, you will remove yourself from a lot of searches.
As you can see, I use words like “arousing” and “carnal” in my profile. As I’ve said, you can use sex as a lure. It just should never be taken by someone as a promise. You should only put that out there if you feel comfortable doing so. If you’re going to second guess someone’s motivation and fear they have certain expectations, don’t do it. I like my men on the slutty side, so I don’t find don’t sexual references a deterrent. I find that hinting at sex is far more effective than actually explicitly talking about sex. It’s a fine line, one that takes some trial and error to master.
People who read profiles and see a specific occupation, salary range or innuendo and show up to a date expecting that person to put out, monetarily or sexually, really show their inexperience and entitlement. If you act pissed because that lawyer took you to a moderately priced bar or that woman who was somewhat lascivious in her profile didn’t offer to go home with you, you can be sure there won’t be a second date.
Your About Me summary needs to be appropriately filled in. This is where you talk about you, not what you’re looking for. Don’t write a couple of sentences thinking you’re clever or because it’s too hard. Everybody has to do it. People who don’t do it should be approached with caution. There are certain rules involved with online dating. People who willfully choose to ignore them are usually trouble makers. I like the bullet point format because it made writing about myself easier. Choose things that showcase your interests and personality. Don’t tell people how funny you are, show them. Give specific examples.
The TV/Movies/Books section is something you really should fill in, as that’s where many people find the personal nuggets to reference in their intro emails. That’s also a place where popular key words appear. Game of Thrones, House of Cards, David Sedaris, movies, music, directors, authors. People can and often do search for specific films and musicians because they are seeking someone who shares a similar interest.
Thoughts?
“
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