And That's Why You're Single |
| How Do You Date With a Fussy Libido? Posted: 17 Nov 2013 02:54 PM PST Name: NailPolish I’m a 40 year old American expat living and working in Asia. This is a big, international city with lots to do and it’s not that hard to meet single men from around the world. There are also many more Western men in Japan than there are Western women, so I have to novelty factor in my favor, too. Here’s my problem. I have a very fussy libido. I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t want to be a princess and I’m not looking to be spoiled. But I can’t have sex with someone I don’t have a strong connection with. I mean that I physically cannot. I hate to be graphic because I haven’t seen other posts like this on here, but I am dry as a bone and actually physically too tight for sex sometimes. And it takes some work and connection and relaxation to make it work. But once I’m good to go, I’m good to go. But how on earth can I get to that point with someone? When and how I can explain it? Naturally I don’t want to just go announcing it to everyone, but only to people I can truly trust not to use the information to hurt me, or to tell other people, etc. All I read here is, give guys sex or get out of the way. And I WANT to have sex with a guy. I just physically cannot have sex right away and I don’t know how to bring this up without sounding like a head case and scaring men off. But if I don’t bring it up, I’ll be considered a tease or a game-player. I suppose I am wondering if being sexual dysfunctional makes me undeserving of a relationship. Or not “undeserving” of course, but…unlovable. I’m pretty, thin, have had good relationships in the past, and until physical arousal became so difficult for me (about two years ago, due to early onset of peri menopause), I had very satisfying sexual relationships. I’m kind of devastated and wondering what others would do.
First things first. Obviously, if you’re experiencing any kind of pain during intercourse, you need to go to a doctor. You need to discuss this with a physician. If you’re self-diagnosing yourself, then you’re messing with your mind that much more. Go talk to a specialist to get peace of mind. You don’t mention being on any medications or suffering from any existing medical or emotional conditions. These are the things you tell a doctor to help them determine what, if anything, might be going on. There are dozens of reasons that might explain why you’re not getting properly aroused. Some are physical, some are emotional. You’ve got to talk to someone to get to the root of the problem. I am going to address the rest of this response as though you have determined, with the help of a medical professional, that there is nothing physiological at work causing this issue. Needing to feel a connection with someone in order to feel comfortable having sex with them does not mean you have a fussy libido, nor does it make you weird. It doesn’t even make you unique. You, like a lot of people, just can’t get aroused unless you feel you’re in a safe situation. If you’re getting wet and able to have sex once you feel comfortable with someone, then you’re probably not “sexually dysfunctional.” Step away from WebMD and every freakin’ online community forum where women like to share all of their problems. You can only have sex with guys that you like that you know aren’t using you. Not weird. Not atypical. Not special. If anything, this sounds psychological, not physical. But again, I’m not a doctor. I am, however, a bit of an intolerant asshole when it comes to this subject. I apologize if I seem curt with my response. It’s just that a lot of this feels exaggerated to me. Naturally I don’t want to just go announcing it to everyone, but only to people I can truly trust not to use the information to hurt me, or to tell other people, etc. Why would any reasonable adult person ever use that information to hurt you or tell other people? This makes you sound paranoid, to be honest. There’s no need to bring this up at all. Figure out what it takes to get to the place you need to be in order to have sex, and then have it when you’re ready. There is absolutely no need to wave your “problems” around and wear them like a merit badge. Trust me. You will not be the first woman not to have sex on the first few dates. Most experienced men know the ropes by now. You don’t need to get into the specifics should you find yourself in a situation where things are getting hot and heavy and you want to put on the breaks. All you need to say is that you aren’t ready, but that you really like the guy and want to continue spending time together. That’s it. As I said initially, go to a doctor to determine if there is something medically off with you. Get that out of the way. In the meantime, try not to over-think this. You’re going to freak yourself out and make everything worse. For all you know, the peri-menopause symptoms might not even be connected to this. It might not even be peri-menopause at all. But you won’t know until you talk to a doctor. Start there.
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| Posted: 17 Nov 2013 06:08 AM PST
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| Posted: 17 Nov 2013 05:37 AM PST My sister passed away yesterday. I’ll be in and out over the next few days. The picture on the right is a ceramic Hummel that my father bought for my mother right after I was born. Four young girls playing ring around the rosy, with the baby sister in the middle. It was to represent my four sisters and I. My oldest sister, the one we lost yesterday, was always the one in the blue kerchief. To me, at least. When my father was moving a few years ago, he placed the Hummel in a box and told one of my sisters that the piece was to go to me. Under no circumstances, he said, was anybody to take it. My father didn’t make statements like that because he knew our tendency to fight over things. Hah. Oh, Dad. You knew what we were thinking long before we even had time to formulate a thought in our heads. I don’t care if it’s broken or old or dirty. My father thought of me when he looked at it, and now I will think of him. And, yes, my sister. All of my sisters. The circle being broken is in some way fitting. My father was what held us together. When he died the cracks that were always there finally gave way. There’s a lot I can say about my sister’s death. I’m trying to reconcile my feelings of grief with everything that has gone these past 18 months. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know how I feel right now. But I do know this: she fought until the very end. Being there for her kids was her top priority, and she was not going to give up without a fight. And, boy, did she give one. My mother didn’t fight. In fact, she cowered. She gave in to the fear, despite having a golf-ball sized tumor growing in her breast. She didn’t fight for us. My sister swore she’d never repeat that, and she didn’t. Chemo, radiation, needles. Bring it on. She wasn’t going to leave her kids. You guys have been around through the losses from this past year and a half to know that I don’t ever really take a break. People tell me to do it and I laugh and tell them I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I lie down to rest here and there and my mind floods with things I should be doing. My Dad was like that. So, I’ll be here. That’s it, I guess.
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