And That's Why You're Single

Do You Need Your Partner To Be Shiny & New?

Posted: 12 May 2014 01:59 PM PDT

Name: Dan
Website:
Question: I have dated a woman for one month who is 59. We have had 10 dates and are really having a lot of fun. Both of us showed lots of interest in the relationship and she even talked about me going to her 2 children’s upcoming weddings She made it very obvious that she desired an intimate relationship with me and I really want one with her.
She revealed to me that she had herpes prior to any physical relationship. I also have it and so it wasn’t a big deal. I told her at the same time that I have had some issues with erectile dysfunction, but that I had some medications that I used to resolve this .
She asked me to come over and spend the night and so I brought my medications and they worked fairly well but I don’t always have an orgasm and that night I didn’t have one . She seemed to be in ecstasy as I did get an erection and between that and using my hands she seemed very happy. The next day everthing was good and then the following day I could tell something was different. We met for dinner that night and she told me that the ED and my lack of orgasm made her uncomfortable and selfish as she said she really had some great orgasms. Her text messages the next day emphasized that. She didn’t know where to go with this but said she needed time to process this. I said I understood and that I would try to get some help to deal with the delayed orgasm issue. She said we’ll talk . I told her that the “ball is in your court”. It’s now been 6 days and I haven’t heard from her and I haven’t attempted to communicate with her at all. I really care for this woman and I feel very distraught …can’t stop thinking about her. Should I just suck it up and let this one go or should I try to reach her?
Age: 65
State: arizona

To me, it sounds like she doesn’t know how to handle the situation and desires a relationship where the sex is more “normal.” I don’t think she wants to deal with a guy who suffers from ED. She wants a typical sex life, the sex life she had heard about from friends and sees on TV. Which, FYI, is almost NEVER how it is presented.

Dating someone with any kind of sexual performance dysfunction can be challenging. Especially if you have to deal with the performance issue right out of the gate rather than over time. When you’ve been with someone awhile and they begin to show signs of challenges in the bedroom, you’re invested. Not just in them and the sex but in the relationship. It’s a lot easier to go from having a really consistent and satisfying sex life to a less than satisfying one as time goes on than to have a spotty sex life from the first night. She may be thinking that, if things are like this now, what will they be like a year from now? It’s hard to recover from awkward or uncomfortable sex when you have nothing else to compare it to.

The other matter complicating things, I think, is the idea she might have that she can find someone else. Maybe she can, maybe she can’t. This is a by-product of online dating and dating in general nowadays. We have so many avenues in which we can meet people that we falsely believe there’s always going to be someone else. She doesn’t want a fixer upper. She wants someone who needs very minimal maintenance upfront. Which is a somewhat reasonable expectation when you’re in your twenties and thirties. Not so much when you’re in your forties and older. While placing sexual compatibility is a totally acceptable priority for any age, there needs to be some awareness as we grow older that it might require a smidge more effort. Yep, they might need to use a personal lubricant or have to pop a pill. Oh well. Sorry you won’t be bangin’ in the bathroom of da club anymore.

With life comes experience, both good and bed. We divorce, we go through break-ups, we have kids. As we age, our bodies change. We’re not the same people that we were at 25. What also needs to change is our perspectives and expectations. Oh, you’re 42, 44, 45 and want to meet someone unmarried with no kids who still has the body and energy level they had at 30? Bless your lil’ entitled heart.

You can reach out to this woman, but my guess is that she’ll give it a go once or twice more and decide it’s not for her. But that doesn’t mean all women will be like that. You just have to keep at it until you meet one who places importance on developing other kids of intimacy as well as sexual intimacy. There are plenty of them out there, I assure you.

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Monday, May 12, 2014