And That's Why You're Single |
| Just Say No To The Flakey First Dates Posted: 14 May 2014 02:14 PM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): sarah Comment: I was asked out for a drink by this guy whom I had previously met at a party. We had kissed at the party and he had indicated he’d like to take me for a drink sometime. He had added me as a Facebook friend at the party but didn’t ask for my phone number. Following the party he messaged we over Facebook and asked what I was doing the following weekend and if I wanted to get a coffee/drink drop him a line. I said I had plans for weekend but might be out Friday. In the meantime I had some things on and he messaged me Friday asking was I going out that night. I told him I was busy with a friend but I’d like to go for a drink and I’d let him know how I was getting on time wise. He said he was going training for an hour and to drop him a text when I was done. I texted him when I was leaving my friends house asking if he was still on for that drink. He said yes but he would be an hour and suggested a bar. I replied that was fine but suggested another bar to meet. I went home and got ready. I got a message from him about half an hour later saying he was on his way into town and would see me in one or other of the bars. I messaged back and said see you in ryans….’be there’ jokingly and he just replied the name of the bar he was in. I messaged and asked him was he there with friends and fifteen minutes later that message had still not delivered to him so I figured he had no Internet signal. This was all through Facebook messenger. I was feeling like there was no concrete plan for meeting. It was a very rainy evening and I was a bit shocked that he expected me to be going into different pubs looking for him in the rain. I decided against going despite being ready. It was late at that stage about half eleven and I was afraid I would not be able to contact him if he had no Internet signal so I went to bed. Between quarter to one and quarter past two in morning I got a number of messages on Facebook from him saying ‘where was I even’….’was I in the bar he was in’ and then a ‘hello’ when I wasn’t getting back to him. When I woke up and saw the messages, I replied this…. ‘Hi, I read your messages last night and decided to give it a miss. I thought we had arranged to meet for a drink and that’s why I was coming into town……but when I realised there was no concrete plan it just put me off. Trapsing round in rain looking for you in different pubs wasn’t my idea of being asked out! You have every right to have your own plans but it felt to me as if meeting me wasn’t high on your agenda and it was a case of ‘see you wherever at some stage of the night’. That didn’t interest me. It was nice to have met you before and I hope you had a good night. No reply out of him at all …..was I too harsh …..did I over react??
I wouldn’t say you were too harsh or that you over-reacted. I think being annoyed in this situation is justified, as the guy clearly expected you to do all the heavy lifting and pursue him. I don’t think he intentionally tried to mess with you. I just think he’s flakey and immature and casually interested but wasn’t going to go out of his way for you. Where I cringed is reading the manifesto of a text message you sent him explaining why you and he never met up. First, you never let a relative stranger such as this guy know that they got you that upset. You also don’t let them know how you went out of your way for them or altered plans or did anything out of the norm. That indicates a level of investment that is disproportionate to the length of time you’ve known him. In a situation like this, where the guy is barely reciprocating, you never show your hand that soon. I’ll also add that the fact that you never exchanged numbers and instead relied on Facebook Messenger as your means of communication is also a red flag. That’s like the people who won’t give you their phone number and insist upon communicating through the dating site only. There’s something suspicious to me about that. Obviously, exchanging numbers would have probably made the whole thing less convoluted. So why didn’t he or you suggest texting via phone instead of Facebook messages? Maybe it was as simple as it never occurred to either of you, but next time get a phone number. Don’t rely on social media or dating sites to communicate. Somebody genuinely interested in meeting up with you isn’t going to be this loosey goosey about it. You felt like there was no concrete plan for meeting because there wasn’t one. Neither of you made any effort to set up a solid plan for the night. It was all fly by the seat of your pants. This, too, led to all the confusion. My take on this is that there was casual interest on his part, but that he’s disorganized and maybe even a bit self-centered, and so he didn’t give much thought to what you would have to do to come out and meet him. Next time, don’t accept these kinds of plans unless it’s with someone you already have been out with. None of this, “I’ll shoot you a text when I’m done with dinner/friends/whatever.” Nope. 90% of the time, that always leads to people getting caught up in something or having a couple drinks and not wanting to move to another place, etc. If you want to meet up with someone, you say, “How about Day X at nine o’clock?” If they respond by saying they have this or that going on, you choose another night. You don’t try to shoehorn in a time to meet, as it often leads to confusion and changed plans and waiting for texts. NOPE!
  
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