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| Should You Tell Them You’re Sleeping With Other People? #ATWYS Posted: 27 May 2014 05:52 AM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Arnie Comment: Been dating successfully on Match for about two years, with the goals of meeting several exceptional-looking women, having fun (i.e., not in GF seeker mode), and hoping to eventually find an LTR. Two 7-month relationships have been good but failed for various reasons. My question is about figuring out sexual compatibility while dating multiple women. I’m not trying to be player, but sexual compatibility is important enough that it would be ideal to figure it out before “going exclusive.” I think, however, that the types of women I’m interested in meeting would take a dim view of me sleeping with them but also having sex with someone else concurrently. Standard guy protocol is likely to be “Don’t ask don’t tell” and go ahead and sleep with whomever. My bent toward honesty makes that difficult. The last time this scenario came up, with two possible women to go exclusive with, I explicitly told them I wouldn’t have sex because I was seeing someone else too, and it didn’t seem fair. That worked all right, but carries its own risks too. Am I just creating a problem for myself that may not exist, or am I right to be concerned? If so, how to navigate these waters?
Let’s start here, shall we? I’m not quite sure what this means or what purpose this alleged honesty serves. My initial gut reaction to your letter is that you’re one of those people who says they’re looking for a LTR but is actually quite satisfied with casually dating different people. You somewhat admit to this by saying that your goal is to date many exceptional looking women (*eyeroll*) and have fun with the hope of eventually stumbling across someone truly exceptional and settling down. Which..I mean..okay. Whatever. You’re 48 and single. You do the math on that one.
Oh? And how did that work out for you? See, this is why I’m not really buying the whole, “I’m a really honest person” thing. I don’t know why anybody would admit to this if in fact they were hoping to develop a committed relationship with that person. Radical honesty seems counter-intuitive in a case like this. Not only that, but it’s totally not going to get you laid. So, why would you do this? If the goal is to determine sexual compatibility before you commit to one of them, then why would you say something that will almost ensure you won’t have sex? Either you don’t want sex or you don’t want commitment. Why on earth would anybody on earth make such an announcement other than to make themselves look good or to avoid having sex? I don’t get it. I truly do not understand what you’re hoping to achieve by not having sex with either of these women and telling them you won’t have sex with them other than you’re trying to make yourself look good. If you’re not having sex with them, then who are you having sex with, because I simply don’t believe that a human being would go celibate by choice until they decided which woman to date long term. I think you’re either getting it somewhere else, have some kind of sexual hang-up, or sexual compatibility isn’t the priority you’re making it out to be and this is all one big manufactured non-problem. That dog don’t hunt, as my Ex from Mississippi would say. There’s absolutely no reason to be this honest with someone you’re dating. There’s no need to rub it in their face that you’re dating other people. It’s just rude. Maybe you like making the women feel like they need to up their game somehow? I don’t know. What if you said nothing and slept with both of them and they both turned out to blow your doors off in bed? Then what? Is there another test you perform to decide of they’re LTR material? When do the tests end?
Standard protocol for men and women is likely to be “Don’t ask don’t tell.” There. Fixed that for you. Being discrete and playing your odds isn’t a guy thing. It’s a people thing. Women do that too. Or did you think you were the only person they were dating? If you’re trying to score points by being honest and telling women how you want things to be fair for them, then I would say stop doing that. For one, it feels disingenuous to me. For two, it’s spectacularly stupid. I’m going to suggest you do something that, to some, might seem a little wild. Are you ready? It’s going to blow your mind. Don’t speak. Don’t say anything. Sleep with both of them. Decide which one you want to date. Then break things off with the other one by telling them your dog died or you recently learned you’d be moving to Guam and your signal will be weak and you’ll never be able to accept their messages or texts. Tell them anything other than the truth. That’s what most people do, and it works pretty well as long as they don’t go over board with the details. Thoughts?
  
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