And That's Why You're Single |
| Old? Overweight? Perpetually Single? You Deserve Love Like Everybody Else Posted: 23 May 2014 05:52 AM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): V Comment: I almost don’t know where to begin. I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been single for 14 years. I’ve been completely celibate that whole time, for a variety of reasons (young heartbreak, difficulty separating sex and love, enormous independent streak, lack of social circles that include bi/hetero single men, blah blah blah). I am considering getting back into the game, but I have NO idea where to start. I loathe going out to bars and shows and such at this point in my life, and I haven’t found an online dating site that I like. I have used OKCupid before, but my community is small enough that a lot of people (including my teenaged students and their parents)always end up seeing it, which makes me pretty darn uncomfortable. And being a fat chick on that site makes me feel way more vulnerable than I want to be in such a low-compassion environment anyway. So…I don’t know if you have any ideas to share. I don’t feel the need for anything serious right away– I’d frankly prefer to warm up to that with some casual dating first–but I’m not sure how to meet a sane guy to grab a beer with, not to mention how to explain that I’ve had one (not terribly long) relationship in my adult life, that ended over a decade ago, without sounding like a complete freak. I know this message is way too long, but I wanted to makes sure I shared all the relevant context. Thank you so much for any advice you can share.
The first thing I would suggest is that you cease requiring other people’s permission and approval to date. I understand your concerns in regards to your job and feeling uncomfortable with the idea of students seeing you on OKCupid, but let’s think about that logically. Why would your teenage students be reviewing profiles of 36 year old women? While anything is possible, the likelihood of that happening is slim. And even if it did happen…so what? What’s the worse they’re going to say that they wouldn’t or couldn’t say at any other point in time? So what if your social circle sees your profile. If they’re looking at your profile, that means they’re on the site, too. I happen to really like OKCupid and Tinder and have had a reasonable amount of success with them. I would take advantage of those two options when you’re ready to get back out there. You seem to be carrying a shame about putting yourself out there and wanting to find someone. That’s the root of this. All the other manufactured what ifs are just excuses to justify not wanting to make public your intentions and desires. Overweight, skinny, tall, short…none of that matters. You’re no less deserving of love and affection and sex than anybody else. You’re anticipating the cruel slings and arrows that okCupid has become infamous for, but I think you’re projecting a bit. No matter who you are, if you make yourself public in any way – be it a Facebook page or Twitter account – you make yourself vulnerable. That is the reality we all live in today. Granted, being a teacher comes with an added level of concern because there’s less wiggle room with what you can get away with because you’re dealing with kids. There will always be people out there looking to undermine someone. There will always be people out there with their biases and prejudices who falsely believe certain people have no right to do something because they’re this or that. To them, certain people need to fill certain requirements before they earn the right to do something. I happen to think what irks them most is the fact that the people they’re trying to undercut with their personal attacks display a level of confidence in an area where they lack it. I can not tell you how many people will ask me if I’m in a relationship or married. It’s rarely a sincere inquiry. The question is posed in an attempt to stop me in my tracks and question myself because they don’t like things I’ve said. To them, I don’t have a right to do what I do and should be less unapologetic. People who read think I should be less picky about the types of men I date. If you’re a “fattie” (which means anything other than conventionally slender) you don’t get to be choosey. How dare you not just be grateful for what you can get and accept scraps? Who do you think you are being over 40 and single and dishing out advice? You should be ashamed. I’m not. #sorrynotsorry That stuff isn’t about me. That’s about them and how they view the world. Yes, you might encounter some assholes. But, again, assholes are everywhere, not just online. No matter where we go, we might might be subjected to someone’s assholery. That’s life. Some people suck and are mean. Most people aren’t, though. Most people are decent and kind and good. You have to believe that. The problem isn’t that you don’t have many avenues in which to meet people. You have plenty. There’s Meetup.com, OKCupid, Tinder, speeddating, etc. The problem is that you have decided – before you’ve even used these methods of meeting people – that they won’t work and are fraught with landmines. Part of the reason you feel that way is the endless barrage of stories we hear about on blogs and social media about all the horror stories people have experienced. I can guarantee you that in at least 75% of those cases, you’re hearing a lopsided take on what actually happened. Yes, even these stories are attempts to undermine people. It’s unfortunate, but there is definitely a competitive and cut-throat aspect to dating, especially once you’ve hit your mid-thirties and over. People are frustrated and disappointed and all they want to do is lash out. You’ll never be able to stop these people. All you can do is become immune to them, and that starts with believing that you are as deserving of happiness as everybody else. If you know you’re a good person with a lot to give and offer, and you believe it, their words will, for the most part, bounce off of you. And stop listening to stories you read online about how awful online dating or dating is for certain people. Honest to God, the majority of what gets written and shared are lies. You don’t have to explain your lack of recent relationship experience. Again, this is a non-problem we worry about as a way to avoid doing what we want to do. People who do online dating regularly are probably in a similar boat. There are A LOT of people out there who haven’t had a serious relationship in many years. That’s a by-product of online dating. It’s no longer rare or weird to not have dated anybody in the recent past for a significant amount of time. If worse comes to worse, you can skirt the truth. Watch. “When was your last relationship?” asks your nosy, social incompetent date. “Oh, a few years ago.” Done. You’re not under oath. It’s okay to lie. If they date you for six months and everything is going well and you decide to tell them the truth and they bail, they were looking to bail anyway and are using the lie as an excuse. Once you answer the questions with something vague – which is a hint that you don’t wish to go in to detail – unless your date is ridiculously awkward and socially inept, they’ll drop the subject. Why did it end, they ask? We just wanted different things, you say. I’m telling you, people who ask these kinds of questions should be avoided at all costs. These simply aren’t relevant questions, and if they can’t stick it out for a few weeks to gauge your availability and stability, then let them keep it pushing. As I mentioned earlier, you seem to be coming with with reasons and excuses why you shouldn’t put yourself out there. I would suggest you tend to this issue first. Once you acknowledge and truly believe your desires are as valid as everybody else’s, you’ll have a lot more success.
  
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