And That's Why You're Single

To Succeed In Dating, You Have To Be Able To Ask The Tough Questions

Posted: 06 May 2014 02:58 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Eyecandy

Comment: I met this guy at work. When we first saw each other we both thought the same ‘He/Shes hot.” One day we ended up working a lot together and he started flirting with me. We ended up flirting the whole day together, having conversations and getting to know each other a little. He would joke around to the customers saying I was his girlfriend. Long story short, I ended up giving him my number. That same day he texted me and told me upfront that he was attracted to me. We kept flirting and conversating over the phone.
The next day we end up going on a date. We go out to eat and go to a pool. We were all over each other due to the amount of attraction but nothing serious, harmless. Before I go back home, we have a pretty intense makeout session but nothing serious happened. The day after we ended up sleeping with each other. And the day after that I went to his house to hook up.
I didnt expect to be sleeping with him already since i just met him but I dont regret it either.
He says he likes me and calls me babe and sometimes acts like my boyfriend by holding my hand, giving me rides home and calling me to let me know what hes up to and so on. But then theres times where I feel that all he thinks about is sex.
He said he doesnt want a girlfriend and he just wants to go with the flow with me but that if we were to ever end up official that it would be great. Weve only gone on one date and all the other times have been hook ups. I went away on vacation and he made a comment of “who am i supposed to sleep with while youre gone?” and i said “youre an attractive guy, you can find someone in the mean time” and he admitted that he only has interest in sleeping with me.

So my question, does this guy just see me as a fuck buddy or does he enjoy sleeping with me but theres a possibility of a future? Im confused. Because I dont want to keep developing feelings if he is just in this for a fun time.
Age: 26
City: Tampa
State: Florida

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Flowerchild

Comment: I am online dating at 28 and met this really nice guy but he travels to California for work and lives in Texas. He’s really honest that he will probably stay in Texas but I’m not interested in moving outside of CA. Is that a big problem? I’m not a fan of long distance but so far he seems pretty genuine and sweet. I need advice!
Age: 28
City: santa cruz
State: ca

My answer to both of these questions is that I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know.

Letter Writer #1 – I don’t have access to the guy you’re dating, nor can I read his mind. If you want to know where you stand, you’re just going to have to ask him. My opinion? He’s not interested in anything serious. The writing is on the wall. Keep it pushin’.

Letter Writer #2 – I can’t tell you what is or isn’t a big problem for you. It’s your life. You said it yourself: he’s never going to move and you’re not a fan of long-distance relationships. Boom. There’s your answer. You can hope against hope that he’ll pull a Clooney, but I don’t even think Clooney pulled a Clooney. That still is yet to be seen.

I apologize for not devoting more time or head space to these questions, but I just refuse to do the heavy lifting for you two. You’re coming to me because you don’t want to make decisions on your own, and I’m just not down with that. You’re never going to have any success in relationships if you can’t assess a situation without crowd sourcing it.

You’ll struggle even more if you cower in a corner out of fear that you might rock the boat if you ask any questions or dare to express your own needs. If that’s how you feel, then you’re with the wrong person. Full stop. If you don’t feel that a conversation about the direction of a relationship can be had, then you have your answer already. You don’t (or at least you shouldn’t) need me to point you in the right direction.

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Why Is It So Hard To Let Some People Go?

Posted: 06 May 2014 05:51 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): JustMe bostonaccent00
Comment: Hello,

Eight months ago I relocated to Boston from NYC. My ex-bf broke up with me as soon as he found out I was moving to his city. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who shares common interest, yet he was OK with being in a 3.5 year long distance relationship with me. Since I've moved to Boston, we see each other very frequently (most weekend,Holidays,special events, vacations, etc.) Yet, he doesn't seem to want to get back together with me. I told him I need space because I am still in love with him, even after I found out he cheated on me. He still finds excuses to contact me via text or email. I do not know what to do?! He is 10 years older than me and I am scared he will never change. Should I make a final attempt or move on? How can I get him to love me again?

-JustMe
Age: 28
City: Boston
State: MA

This is a real no brainer.

Move on.

I’m not sure you can get him to love you again if only because I doubt he ever truly loved you in the first place. If he did love you, he wouldn’t have let you uproot your life to another city to be with him. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be torturing you by staying in your life knowing he’s got one foot out the door the whole time.

As long as you were four hours away in NYC, the relationship wasn’t real. He could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted because you were just a voice on a telephone line or an occasional visitor. Now that you moved closer to him, he can no longer deny that you and he have been in a relationship. Having you in closer proximity means he doesn’t have the freedom he once had. He broke up with you upon hearing the news that you were moving to Boston because he never intended for the relationship to become permanent or real. I would guess that is the basis for most long-distance relationships like this. They’re a fun diversion and an excuse for a road trip. They’re contained. They’re safe. And they are extremely easy to manage. That is, until the person who cares more moves closer in order to be with them.

I’m not sure how the decision for you to move came to be, but it doesn’t sound like one that you and he came to together. In fact, this whole relationship appears to be one where you stuck it out and clung on despite no real signs of him being truly invested. The guy broke up with you, yet you’re still spending copious amounts of time with him. If he cared for you, he wouldn’t allow this to continue. It’s cruel.

JustMe, this guy doesn’t want to be with you the way you want to be with him. He probably never will. He’s not going to magically change his mind one day. Nor will he feel the loss of your presence in his life and realize what a tragic mistake he has made. He’s out. He’ll hang out with you and have sex with you because you offer it. But he’s not promising you anything in return. You have to let him go.