And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 07 May 2014 03:33 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): SingleMan
Comment: I am 46 and have been single for over 10 years.
I have done everything; personal ads, meet up groups, volunteer groups, bars, etc., all to no avail.
I don’t know why this is, but I do know that dating gets harder as one gets older.
I also think that my not wanting children and my not making a lot of money may also be factors in why I am still single.
Are we just kidding ourselves when we try to believe that there is someone out there for everyone? And should I just resolve myself to a life of solitude?
Age: 46
City: NYC
State: NY

I don’t really have an answer for you. When somebody tells me that they’ve exhausted all kinds of possibilities in an attempt to meet someone and come up empty handed, my honest assumption is that there’s something about that person that is preventing them from finding what they want. If, after ten years of searching, they haven’t found anyone, then that’s probably because they are drastically lacking in self-awareness.

I think, if taken at face value, that the myth that there is someone for everyone is misleading. It’s one of those things we say to friends who express a sense of hopelessness about finding a partner. It’s meant to help them buck up and keep at it, but many people take it as gospel. They also mistakenly take sayings like that literally. Yes, you could probably find someone to be with if you really, really wanted to. But there are a lot of factors and a great deal of compromise and settling is involved with making that happen. If you just want any old relationship, you can have it.

That said, I think there are a number of reasons why some people are perceived as “always” single.

1. They don’t talk about their personal lives - I have friends who have been dating people for a very long time. If they didn’t make passing references to these relationships, I wouldn’t even know and I’m their friend. Of course, these are male friends. I attribute their discretion not just to their individual desire for privacy but to the fact that there is less societal pressure on men to have someone in their lives than there is on women. The desire for male approval and attention is a by-product not only of social conditioning but, I believe, intra-gender competitiveness. Having a man is a feather in a woman’s cap, as one friend aptly described it the other night.

2. There is something off putting about their presentation - Maybe they’re unkempt in some way or perhaps their social skills are poor. Whatever it is, it’s giving off a vibe that is turning people off.

3. They don’t know they’re audience or they know they’re audience, but refuse to accept it – Nothing will keep someone single like not knowing and accepting your league. They keep shooting for people they’ll never get, which burns them out and frustrates them.

4. They have trust issues or other baggage that holds them back – A lot of people carry with them the years of bad dates and disappointments. Not only do they not trust most of the people they date, they don’t trust their own judgment.

5. They think they want a relationship but really don’t - There’s an alarming amount of cognitive dissonance out there. It’s not uncommon for people to truly believe they want a relationship who their actions never match their intentions.

6. They can’t get past the same point and keep making the same mistakes – Instead of pushing through the pain in order to see where things are going, they either bail or self-sabotage.

As for the part about whether or not you should just give up, I’m not taking that bait. Sorry, but this a pity-party free zone.

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Personal Post – Put It In The Book, Honey

Posted: 07 May 2014 06:21 AM PDT

I’ve mentioned in passing that I’m writing a book, right? I’ve stopped and started so many times before when I was writing a book2 dating-advice type book. I had zero passion for it, having written these words so many times. But this time it’s different.

In January I hired a writing coach. We meet every week. I have page count/submission assignments every week. I work best with structure, another reason why this go round has been a completely different experience. Paying someone to hold me accountable works best for me.

I had a few directions in which I could go. I could go the dating-advice/self-helpy route. Snooze. Sorry, but those books don’t sell as people can cruise the internet to get the same information for free. Personal memoir was also a possibility, but come on. I hear of people in my niche writing about their lives as dating coaches and my eyes roll into the back of my head. Yes, do write a tome about the lessons you learned from relationships you had at 22 or 23 and how you met the supposed love of your life at 26. Your struggle is real. I couldn’t think of anything more self-important or tedious than thinking people would pay $25 to read about my or anybody else’s pithy life as a single gal.

I chose fiction, mainly because I wanted to have fun writing the story. I also chose to base the story on my life, including some of the details of the last couple of years. I mean, come on. You couldn’t write a better drama than that shit show. While that won’t be the focus of the story, it contributes to it. I’m also having way too much fun, uh, infusing certain characters and scenarios related to the dating niche with a decent amount of punch and snark. (But to be clear, nobody gets thrown under the bus more than me.)

Last night during my session, my coach asked if I was comfortable with so much of the character’s back story reflecting my actual back story. (Mostly in relation to my family, but not the probate case.) He was more concerned that I have a buffer between me, the writer and me, the Narrator. Up until that point, I didn’t even have a name for her. I called her Kristen because, duh. I agreed that her name needed to be changed.

The first name to pop in to my head was Francesca. I knew I wanted her to have a name that had roots in Italian culture. I often look up names when writing trying to find appealing ones for my characters. I once looked at a list of names a few weeks ago while trying to name another character for something else I’m writing for another site and Francesca was on it. So that’s why it must have popped into my head last night. I went through the 50 or so pages I’ve written and replaced Kristen with Francesca. Then I decided to look up the origin and meaning of her name. Here’s what I found.

Francesca is a particularly secretive and reserved woman who is surrounded by an air of mystery. An introverted individual, she is inclined to much soul searching and is sometimes bothered by worry and anxiety. Very often, she is fascinated by philosophy, spirituality and metaphysics. It is certainly true that more than anything else; Francesca has a gift for analysis and possesses a critical mind which means that she is likely to take an interest in the natural sciences. On the other hand, if she doesn´t make use of these faculties through intellectual activity, her acutely sensitive nature could make her prone to depression. She is highly selective about the people that she gets close to and chooses her friends according to the amount of spiritual or cultural affinity that she feels. She is anything but superficial and friendship is sacred, in her eyes. However, she tends to be a more or less solitary character who is rather unusual and sometimes turns this to her advantage. She is extremely intuitive and often experiences gut-feelings or premonitions which could confer her abilities as a medium. She seeks to acquire wisdom, however she is terribly shy and emotional – leaving her somewhat unarmed in the face of reality, which can be challenging at times. She avoids confrontation like the plague and tends to become withdrawn at the slightest emotional shock. This is undoubtedly why she is attracted to groups and movements that share her values and aspirations. As a child, Francesca is emotionally fragile and often lacks vitality. Domestic harmony is necessary to her very equilibrium so a parental disagreement could have disastrous consequences on her happiness. With an active imagination that can sometimes lead to anxiety or inhibition, Francesca is inclined to ask a lot of questions, to which answers must be provided. She is naturally studious and quite disciplined so she could go far in her education, as long as no emotional problems or health issues crop up along the way.

What does she like?
She appreciates privacy and enjoys tranquillity while she is fascinated by psychology, religion, esotericism or any other subject that is out of the ordinary or satisfies her craving for magic and mystery… unless of course she finds herself on more sinuous roads… Romantically speaking, she entertains so many fantasies and imaginings that she often has difficulty making her dreams come true in the material realm. Her marginality could just be a fact that she will have to learn to live with… Francesca is liable to experience solitude – even if it means being “alone together”; unless she chooses a partner with whom she has plenty of common ground, which would be the ideal situation.

What does she do?
Her objectives are less than easy to achieve and her orientation won´t be terribly conformist. She is therefore likely to be drawn to a career in connection with avant-garde technology or a specialization (such as robotics, if she chooses a scientific profession); occupations in relation to psychology, parapsychology, medicine as well as those involving night work or unusual hours…, and lastly those where the art of diagnosis is essential, whatever her chosen professional field.

The other bonus to this name is that there is a male derivative of it – Frankie. That, too, ties in to my own back story of having a name and a voice often confused with being masculine. The character will often be referred to as Frankie and she’ll have to correct them, much like I have to do every freakin’ day.

To people who know me, actually know me not internet know me, the definition of the name aptly describes me. So much so that I sat here reeling for a bit at how I could have been so spot on my first guess out of the gate. And then I surprised myself by crying. Like, weeping. For me, this was validation that my instincts are better than good, and that I do know what I’m doing. It made me feel like I was on the right track, as though someone was guiding me.

This will sound all kinds of silly to some of you, but it felt like my father was somehow speaking to me. I know. I KNOW. Crazy. It was as if he was checking in somehow and saying what he always used to say.

“You’re such a smart girl. You know what to do. You just have to do it.”

Attract Girls Now

Wednesday, May 7, 2014