And That's Why You're Single |
| Saying No Is Not The Beginning Of A Negotiation #Yesallwomen Posted: 26 May 2014 07:19 AM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): PK Comment: Hi, I really like this girl (19yrs). She is a bartender in a local pub. I tried asking her out, but she rejected me because she has a boyfriend. Well, I am not kind of a guy, who gives up quickly. I don’t generally meet the girls, I like a lot. She is probably out of my league, though she is in a long distance with a high school sweetheart. I have no idea, how long they have been together. *Note: The title of this post was inspired by one of the almost one million tweets that were part of the #YesAllWomen hashtag. I could not find the original tweet to properly cite the source. When I originally wrote the response to this post over 2 weeks ago, I think it’s safe to say that I wasn’t feeling nearly as frustrated as I am today, May 26th, 2014. If you have an internet connection or social media stream you follow regularly, then you are aware of the #YesAllWomen twitter response that occurred as a result of the USBC shooting over the weekend, the impetus for which was the rage and entitlement of one very deranged young man. In the days leading up to the killings, he posted video after video of his plan to seek retribution on all of the women who had denied him what he believed was his God-given right to sexual gratification. Make no mistake, this was just not yet another spree killing carried out due to the delusions of a mad man. This was an act of terrorism against women. To the people who say that more men were killed by this young man than women and that women are using this as an excuse to rage vomit all their vitriol, I implore you to read this guy’s terrifying missive where he details his plans to shoot up a sorority house and explains that all of his anger and frustration is to be blamed on the women who rejected him. I also give a big “NOPE!” to the PUA guys trying to use this as a means to shill their services. Way to miss the point entirely, brah. I would also implore that people stop looking for opportunities to make something about them. I can not stand when a certain topic is discussed here and someone says, “This post should have been called when people do this” or “This is like when men/women do XYZ.” Sometimes it’s not all about you, know what I mean? I firmly believe there are flaws in both sides of this conversation. But sometimes you just have to sit back and listen. As a result of this weekend’s events, I chose to completely rewrite my response to this letter writer. I will start by quoting a tweet that I failed to favorite and now can not find. The tweet read: When a man says no, it’s the end of the conversation. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of a negotiation. It shouldn’t be like that. As women, we’re constantly being fed message after message that we must tailor our behavior in such a way as to be considered attractive to men. It’s all about male approval. When we veer from that, we’re man-haters. Women are often expected to concede out of a desire for approval and acceptance. That includes debates with other women, too. I’ve lost count at how many women use the same sexist tactics on me that they rail against. That shit needs to stop, too. Men are encouraged to assert their positions in an argument or interaction. Women who do that are considered “difficult.” A woman who carries on with her life with no concern for what people think is often pegged as some kind of enigma or anomaly. A man does it and he’s “independent” or “confident.” For some bizarre reason, women are expected to prioritize male approval. I’ve said this before, I think of my childhood and how I was raised and how the whole notion of functioning in such a way as to not be considered threatening to men is foreign to me. It has only been in the last year or so that I truly realized how rare that was. I watched a movie over the weekend based on the love affair between Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky. When Chanel would walk through the opera house by herself, unaccompanied, people would turn their heads and then lean in to whisper. When she was brainstorming for her fragrance line, her female friend assumed the name she chose for the perfume would have something to do with the men in Chanel’s life. How wrong they were. Even Stravinksy, who was clearly obsessed and consumed with Chanel, would try and marginalize her when he wanted to hurt her. “You’re not an artist” he said. “You’re a shop keeper.” Oh, Igor. This is something people do when trying to coerce women to give them what they want. They try to undermine her confidence and sense of self-worth by attacking it. They want her to doubt herself. They want her to feel guilty. They want her to second guess. Dude, she said no. There’s your answer. If you write her a letter (and I highly suggest you don’t) then she’s probably going to go in to work every night dreading the moment she sees you at the bar watching her every move. That’s what actions like that do to people. By persisting, you’re going to take an already awkward situation and make it something darker. Rejection sucks. Nobody likes it. There are ways to reject a person without humiliating them. I don’t believe that the fear of any kind of retribution that would come as a result of rejecting someone is strictly one felt by women. Men have similar fears. But the difference is that women not only worry about possible discomfort and awkwardness, but all physical harm. I may be generalizing here, but I highly doubt men carry with them the same level of worry when they turn down a woman’s overtures. To the letter writer, leave her alone. Find another watering hole to frequent for awhile. No amount of pleading your case will be flattering to her or to you. Respect the boundary she set. But don’t do it because you think it will score you points. Do it because that’s what you’re supposed to do whenever anybody – male or female – says no in a situation like that. Once the word “No” enters an equation like this, that’s the signal for somebody to back off. It’s not about you or your ego. It’s about what is appropriate and respectful to the other party involved.
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