And That's Why You're Single |
| It’s Okay To Be Hurt If He Blows You off After Sex Posted: 20 May 2014 05:43 AM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Fallinaa I really like your blog and always find useful insights from you and the commentators here. I joined a cycling group a couple months ago and participated in their training program (ride on every Saturday). A couple rides later, a guy started to approach me. He's a doctor in his early 40's, originally from the Caribbean but has lived here for almost 20 years. He would always ride behind me, sit next to me during lunch break, ride home together with me, help me fix my bike etc. During the week he would invite me to ride in the park together and have dinner afterwards. This went on for 3 to 4 weeks. He seemed to be interested in everything about me: education (I have a MBA from a top business school), profession (a nice job that entails international travels), experience (have lived in 3 countries and traveled to ~20 countries, multilingual), hobbies (biking, hiking and other outdoor activities), and I guess the look (I am Asian, petite, and considered very attractive by many people). The day after the second-to-last ride he asked me out for dinner (he couldn't make the last ride since he was going to Vegas for a seminar). We went back to his place after the dinner. It was a Sunday. He didn't contact me the next day. Then on Tuesday he texted me saying he had a great time that night and he wanted to give me the dentist info (I asked him before whether he knew any good dentists). I asked him whether he would like to get together before he left. He said he couldn't but would like to after he came back. So I said no problem and wished him a nice trip. He flew out the next day and came back on that Sunday. I thought he would contact me later but he didn't. I didn't contact him either because I believe if a guy is thinking about you or wants to see you, he will let you know. Also he mentioned that his ex-girlfriend was very needy (she's 13 years younger) and always wanted him to text or call her. A few days later I couldn't help myself and texted him. He replied right away. I then asked him whether he would like to ride together on the weekend. He said yes maybe on Sunday. I also told him that I would be going with two team members on a cycling trip organized by the group. I said he's more than welcome to join us. He asked how long the ride was. Anyway, after this text conversation, I've never heard from him again. I think by now it's clear he's not interested anymore. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years last December. After five months I thought I am ready to date again. This is like a blow to my face. It's especially frustrating that a guy disappeared after he slept with you. I know I should let it go. I plan not to go to any future rides that he signs up for. But next month there will be a party to celebrate our completion of the program. I know both of us won't miss it but it might be embarrassing. I am wondering what has happened and what I should do.
First things first. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have no idea why he didn’t follow up. Don’t start connecting dots that don’t exist. To me, it sounds like this guy did get scared off a bit, but it’s important to realize that regardless of how you played this, he was probably still going to fade. Just because he got spooked doesn’t mean you actually did something to spook him. He’s bringing his own stuff to the dynamic, and you can’t possible be expected to know exactly what’s going on in his head. He knew he’d probably have to see you again. That’s why I don’t think this was a calculated plot to pump and dump you. I think he’s skittish, and any sudden move was going to freak him out. You go to the party. You do not stay home because you don’t want to run in to this guy. Never let someone that inconsequential determine your decisions and actions. He probably won’t even go because he knows he blew you off after sex. If he does, and if you cross paths, you say hello and engage in polite chit chat. Then you excuse yourself to go to the bar or the ladies room or to make a call. And scene. Done. You don’t try and talk to him about it at the party. You act as if you’re over it. Eventually your head will catch up and you will be. If he tries to sweet talk you or hook up with him, go with your gut. You want to get laid? Go for it. Just see him clearly and understand that this guy probably will never deliver what it is you want him to deliver. You can still date someone casually even if they aren’t The One. There’s no rule against that. You probably wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable if you hadn’t slept with him. The solution to this is to either not sleep with a new guy this soon or to stop attaching any importance to the sex that occurs this early in a relationship. As I’ve said before, the only thing most men expect after sex is more sex. They don’t attach emotions or feelings to it. But many guys are concerned that the woman they slept with will become attached. That’s what leads many of them to freak out. They assume that, because sex occurred, that text she sends or invitation she extends comes from a place of trying to lock the guy down. That’s about them. There’s no point in trying to alter your behavior. People are going to react the way they react, and no matter what you do or don’t do, you’re not going to be able to change that. The only thing you can control is how you proceed after sex and what you expect once you’ve slept with someone. Try to stay objective and not make assumptions. It’s just sex. Sex doesn’t have to mean something until you want it to. Let me be clear about one point. No matter how detached you become about sex, it still stings when someone shows a lot of attention, then sleeps with you, then doesn’t show much attention. I’m not sure that ever goes away. You can choose to agonize over it or you can just shrug your shoulders, learn something, and then say, “Okay. Next!” And then you just go find someone else armed with the lesson you took from the previous experience. Trying to figure out if you were duped or tricked is pointless. That doesn’t do anybody any good. It’s wasted energy. I’m not quite sure how most men handle situations like this – and they do happen. Does it bother them? Do they just shrug it off? I don’t know. I don’t want to encourage the idea that women should have sex like men because there is no such thing. Men just have sex. A lot of women like to say they think “like a guy” when it comes to sex but that’s because they like to believe that they are the rare unicorn with a vagina who doesn’t get all fucked up over sex. They think it makes them better, and it doesn’t. They are not beating the system because there’s nothing to beat. It doesn’t make you weak or sad because you do get bothered by being blown off after sex. That hurts. Feel the way you want to feel, just don’t feel that way for too long or beat yourself up. That’s the turn many of us take that screws us up most. You didn’t do anything wrong, nor did you come off “easy.” You went with your feelings, just like the other person did. So if you did something wrong, so did they. Nobody comes out of it looking better than the other just because one person wanted to get together again and the other didn’t. Stop seeing it as a win/lose scenario and choose to see it as either a lose/lose or a win/win.
  
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